And, in the southwest corner, needing little introduction: Meat Boy. An inexplicably agile cube of rapidly-respawning meat known for surviving the impossible on the twenty-odd try!”
The arena is empty. Utterly so. Empty enough that one can see the pebbles bouncing up and down as the arena floor vibrates...
“By corners I don’t mean actual corners. Just directions. Because they have yet to arrive. Apparently there’s an issue involving the relative sizes of the arena door and Kirby’s tankbot, compounded by his lack of thumbs to steer with. In any case, after everything that’s been going on, I have made sure to ghostproof the arena, which has the effect of annoying Jumpropeman and trapping myself inside until I take down the psychocordon.
As for a little bit of rules clarification: whomever is immobilized or slain by their opponent first wins. No outside help. And, lastly, most importantly, both contestants have made sure– “
THWONK
“Sorry about that. Rebecca here. With all due respect to Comrade Skullface, this commentary has gone far enough. It’s a crime against public spectacle. I’m going to let the fight speak for itself unless I feel compelled to yell at something, which I may.”
“Give that to me. I hadn’t finished with my–“
THWONK
“...fine. Just know that I can’t feel pain, so that chair’s getting singed for nothing.”
THOOM
This time, it’s a bit bigger than a chair.
Meat Boy grins hugely as Little Horn raises the tank up and pitches it backwards across the arena- and Kirby vaults out of the cockpit, the lighter-than-air combatant passing right over the stunned beast as his tank is launched backwards into the wall with a sound like metal thunder. Meat Boy is always alert to sharp objects, heavy objects, or anything moving at any speed, really, and leaps over Kirby onto the edge of Little Horn’s forehead. Kirby slides forward in a low kick, and Meat Boy jumps over him again, as Little Horn reaches up to deal with the tiny enemy and is stopped short.
It appears Kirby activated the tankbot’s autopilot, as it just let out a volley of missiles right into Little Horn’s massive, misshapen features, the explosions making a horrific organic popping sound as they detonate undead flesh. Tankbot revs forward at high speeds, slamming Little Horn backwards in turn, his long and dripping arms straining to hold back the machine. Kirby somersaults down onto Little Horn’s arm, pursued by a furiously charging Meat Boy. The two pummel each other wildly, Kirby favoring long, hooking kicks and aerial maneuvers, while Meat Boy tries to land punches with his stubby-but-strong fists. All the while Little Horn’s arm pitches and shakes as the tankbot revs mindlessly forward, driving the meat-amalgamation back.
For a moment, there is silence as the dust settles. The air tastes of salt and iron.
Little Horn is shot full of holes, the whole thing dripping and barely mobile.Meat Boy jumps onto its head and tries to spur it on, but to no avail. The massive mouth drools red slurry and groans mindlessly. Kirby meanwhile has taken the controls again and has the tankbot halfway out of the hole, and is slowly turning the damaged war machine to face Meat Boy.
“Wait, what the hell is this!? MEAT BOY JUST THREW HIMSELF INTO HORN’S MOUTH! IS THIS A SURRENDER!?”
“Well, technically no... it has to be Kirby who takes him out.”
“What? Alright, Comrade Skullface, what’s going on then?”
“Well, Meat Boy is quite good at regenerating...”
Splortch. Meat Boy respawns... And a small hole in Little Horn is suddenly filled by the former Meat Boy body. He jumps into the massive mouth again... and again... Kirby is frantically trying to make the tank move faster. Little Horn isn’t entirely whole, but it’s standing up, the huge mass looming over the dented machine. Kirby throws the missile bay open, and one last rocket shoots out to splatter a few more feet of arena with red. Little Horn roars defiance, and leaps into the air, coming down in front of the tank with a thunderous splatting. Kirby leaps out of the cockpit again, just in time to avoid a massive two-handed smash that puts the tankbot halfway underground. Little Horn brings his fist down in a hammerblow, and Kirby can barely avoid it. Then the red rain begins, massive fist after massive fist leaving an abstract pattern of red splodges across the arena floor as Kirby runs, jumps, and slides for his life. Meat Boy, more alert after Kirby’s hand-to-hand attack last time, is making his way sneakily towards the tankbot. If he shuts off the autopilot that even now has all its servos whirring to pull itself out of the ground, there’s nothing to worry about.
Except Kirby. The spherical creature dodges left, right, right again, and stalls as the massive Little Horn ceases the barrage. It grins, and raises its arms spread wide, and brings them together with the sound of a skydiving elephant moments after his parachute fails to take hold. Kirby is nowhere to be seen... until the great hands move aside to reveal the pink circle of a perfectly flat puffball where Kirby had ducked under the attack. Leaping up, he delivers a solid kick to Little Horn’s eye and inflates, quickly gaining altitude beyond Little Horn’s reach. The creature moans, holding its eye, and Kirby relaxes and scans the arena.
On the ground below, Little Horn gets an idea. Stomping over to the tankbot, he slams his hands down on either side of the struggling machine, and heaves. Straining to lift the tank over his head, and ignoring the blows of its fists on his massive hands, Little Horn takes aim, and hurls the tank upwards.
Kirby hears a slight whistling sound before the tank plows into him, but it’s too late to respond. The tank arcs lazily overhead, with Kirby pinned to it, and lands on the far side of the arena. Meat Boy lands, dazed but still alive, and turns to face his pinned foe. Kirby pulls himself free, sets his feet, and the two face off. Little Horn looms up behind Meat Boy, and the tankbot, its treads totaled in the crash, swings its fists futilely.
Kirby inhales.
The sound starts small, like air whistling through a cracked window, but quickly rises, shooting past the sound of wind through the trees, the roar of a wind tunnel, the howl of a typhoon, until the air seems to tear itself apart. The audience cling desperately to their stands, loose articles of clothing flying down into the ring, and the structure itself moans in agony. Meat Boy is running hard away from the pink black hole, and not making any ground. Little Horn, too massive to be affected, shifts forward and begins to raise an arm to crush the immobile foe... and a chunk of meat flies off.
Kirby stops inhaling, and lets out a satisfied puff of air. Meat Boy is left standing in the ruin of his horrific creature, and the tankbot is pulling itself up into place for combat.
Kirby grins, and waves. Meat Boy’s eyes narrow.
“Oh, looks like Kirby’s got that cube right where he wants him. Meat Boy’s got no real offensive capacity. The only question is, how long will it take Kirby to catch him? That blob can dodge pretty much anything!”
“I thought you weren’t going to commentate.”
“Shut it, it was appropriate to the moment.”
Meat Boy charges, amid the wreckage of Little Horn, but Kirby easily avoids him. The tankbot takes aim as Meat Boy runs past. Kirby, chasing Meat Boy, smiles hugely. The little red survivor has nowhere to run; he spins, facing his opponent, and charges again. Kirby, rather than trying to avoid him, lashes out, and the tankbot launches one last punch before its batteries die.
MEAT BOY WINS!
WHIRRRRRRR
"This meat isn't rotten, it has experience! Come get your Meatshakes to celebrate Meat Boy's victory!"
A second later, Kirby pops up next to Meat Boy with a splort. Looks like that meat gave him instant respawn powers!
He still lost, though.
