Fite 45 (Guest Writer: Designate_5)- Tiny Guys with Giant Rides (Meat Boy on Little Horn vs. Kirby in Tankbot)

“Welcome to the arena! I am your announcer tonight, Designate Five. After the live commentary for the big race, I thought I might try my hand. Today we’ve got two of the Bar’s most geometrically regular regulars. In the northeast corner (I checked): the pink spheroid that is known as The Devourer of All, Mouth of Eternity, Ravener and Preserver, the Hungering Champion of Dreams, the Pink Singularity, Kirby!

And, in the southwest corner, needing little introduction: Meat Boy. An inexplicably agile cube of rapidly-respawning meat known for surviving the impossible on the twenty-odd try!”

The arena is empty. Utterly so. Empty enough that one can see the pebbles bouncing up and down as the arena floor vibrates...

“By corners I don’t mean actual corners. Just directions. Because they have yet to arrive. Apparently there’s an issue involving the relative sizes of the arena door and Kirby’s tankbot, compounded by his lack of thumbs to steer with. In any case, after everything that’s been going on, I have made sure to ghostproof the arena, which has the effect of annoying Jumpropeman and trapping myself inside until I take down the psychocordon.

As for a little bit of rules clarification: whomever is immobilized or slain by their opponent first wins. No outside help. And, lastly, most importantly, both contestants have made sure– “

THWONK

“Sorry about that. Rebecca here. With all due respect to Comrade Skullface, this commentary has gone far enough. It’s a crime against public spectacle. I’m going to let the fight speak for itself unless I feel compelled to yell at something, which I may.”

“Give that to me. I hadn’t finished with my–“

THWONK

“...fine. Just know that I can’t feel pain, so that chair’s getting singed for nothing.”

THOOM

This time, it’s a bit bigger than a chair.

Kirby bursts through the wall of the arena, the tankbot’s engine growling. Simultaneously, the floor of the arena itself erupts into two massive, meaty fists as Little Horn punches its way right up out of Hades, Meat Boy standing tall on its back. The thing is less monster than moving mountain, a massive stitched-together bulk of solid undifferentiated red meat, punctuated by glowing red eyes and a screaming mouth like a car-crusher lined with tombstone-sized teeth. Kirby steers hard to the left, the tankbot barely swerving aside in time to avoid the gaping jaws. Meat Boy gesticulates wildly, and Little Horn swings, raw red fist barely missing the speeding tank and spraying red juice across a swathe of the audience. Kirby hits the brakes and swings right, lining up a massive haymaker from the tankbot’s pneumatic fist.

 Reeling, Little Horn braces itself and brings a spongy crimson fist around, hammering the tank to one side and follows up with another. Kirby blocks one with a metal fist, then another, and the two get to exchanging massive blows. Tankbot is driven back, hammered back and forth to the boom of connecting meaty fists. Every strike is deafening; if Kirby had ears, he’d be in incredible pain. Nevertheless, the machine gets in a few surgical jabs of its own, sending a few more of Little Horn’s teeth flying. Kirby isn’t doing so well, however, as every buffet from the swinging beast still sends the Dream Warrior flying across his cockpit dome. Meat Boy is sitting pretty on Little Horn’s shoulder, letting the beast carry the day. He gestures, and the massive thing grapples the tankbot, holding it back with one hand while it wails on the cockpit. Silver cracks spread in a web over the glass, and Kirby frantically hammers the controls as the monster shatters his protective cover.

Meat Boy grins hugely as Little Horn raises the tank up and pitches it backwards across the arena- and Kirby vaults out of the cockpit, the lighter-than-air combatant passing right over the stunned beast as his tank is launched backwards into the wall with a sound like metal thunder. Meat Boy is always alert to sharp objects, heavy objects, or anything moving at any speed, really, and leaps over Kirby onto the edge of Little Horn’s forehead. Kirby slides forward in a low kick, and Meat Boy jumps over him again, as Little Horn reaches up to deal with the tiny enemy and is stopped short.
It appears Kirby activated the tankbot’s autopilot, as it just let out a volley of missiles right into Little Horn’s massive, misshapen features, the explosions making a horrific organic popping sound as they detonate undead flesh. Tankbot revs forward at high speeds, slamming Little Horn backwards in turn, his long and dripping arms straining to hold back the machine. Kirby somersaults down onto Little Horn’s arm, pursued by a furiously charging Meat Boy. The two pummel each other wildly, Kirby favoring long, hooking kicks and aerial maneuvers, while Meat Boy tries to land punches with his stubby-but-strong fists. All the while Little Horn’s arm pitches and shakes as the tankbot revs mindlessly forward, driving the meat-amalgamation back.

Kirby swings again, connecting, just as Little Horn backhands the tankbot away, landing it crooked in the hole of Meat Boy’s dynamic entrance. Bruised, Meat Boy goes flying off the titanic fleshbeast, but Kirby is sent spinning by a backhanded wave of the arm as Little Horn flails into a sitting position.

For a moment, there is silence as the dust settles. The air tastes of salt and iron.

Little Horn is shot full of holes, the whole thing dripping and barely mobile.Meat Boy jumps onto its head and tries to spur it on, but to no avail. The massive mouth drools red slurry and groans mindlessly. Kirby meanwhile has taken the controls again and has the tankbot halfway out of the hole, and is slowly turning the damaged war machine to face Meat Boy.

“Wait, what the hell is this!? MEAT BOY JUST THREW HIMSELF INTO HORN’S MOUTH! IS THIS A SURRENDER!?”

“Well, technically no... it has to be Kirby who takes him out.”

“What? Alright, Comrade Skullface, what’s going on then?”

“Well, Meat Boy is quite good at regenerating...”

Splortch. Meat Boy respawns... And a small hole in Little Horn is suddenly filled by the former Meat Boy body. He jumps into the massive mouth again... and again... Kirby is frantically trying to make the tank move faster. Little Horn isn’t entirely whole, but it’s standing up, the huge mass looming over the dented machine. Kirby throws the missile bay open, and one last rocket shoots out to splatter a few more feet of arena with red. Little Horn roars defiance, and leaps into the air, coming down in front of the tank with a thunderous splatting. Kirby leaps out of the cockpit again, just in time to avoid a massive two-handed smash that puts the tankbot halfway underground. Little Horn brings his fist down in a hammerblow, and Kirby can barely avoid it. Then the red rain begins, massive fist after massive fist leaving an abstract pattern of red splodges across the arena floor as Kirby runs, jumps, and slides for his life. Meat Boy, more alert after Kirby’s hand-to-hand attack last time, is making his way sneakily towards the tankbot. If he shuts off the autopilot that even now has all its servos whirring to pull itself out of the ground, there’s nothing to worry about.

Except Kirby. The spherical creature dodges left, right, right again, and stalls as the massive Little Horn ceases the barrage. It grins, and raises its arms spread wide, and brings them together with the sound of a skydiving elephant moments after his parachute fails to take hold. Kirby is nowhere to be seen... until the great hands move aside to reveal the pink circle of a perfectly flat puffball where Kirby had ducked under the attack. Leaping up, he delivers a solid kick to Little Horn’s eye and inflates, quickly gaining altitude beyond Little Horn’s reach. The creature moans, holding its eye, and Kirby relaxes and scans the arena.

 Almost, Meat Boy, almost. Kirby deflates, letting his enemy fly past. A round foot comes up to meet him, and Meat Boy abruptly and painfully changes trajectory with a soggy thwack. Meat Boy is helpless as Kirby ducks and spins around him in midair, pummeling his spongy body. Trapped by the vagaries of Newton, Meat Boy can do nothing but drop at 9.8 meters per second, as Kirby flaunts natural law with impunity. Kirby air-juggles masterfully, and it looks like Meat Boy can’t take much more of it.

On the ground below, Little Horn gets an idea. Stomping over to the tankbot, he slams his hands down on either side of the struggling machine, and heaves. Straining to lift the tank over his head, and ignoring the blows of its fists on his massive hands, Little Horn takes aim, and hurls the tank upwards.

Kirby hears a slight whistling sound before the tank plows into him, but it’s too late to respond. The tank arcs lazily overhead, with Kirby pinned to it, and lands on the far side of the arena. Meat Boy lands, dazed but still alive, and turns to face his pinned foe. Kirby pulls himself free, sets his feet, and the two face off. Little Horn looms up behind Meat Boy, and the tankbot, its treads totaled in the crash, swings its fists futilely.

Kirby inhales.

The sound starts small, like air whistling through a cracked window, but quickly rises, shooting past the sound of wind through the trees, the roar of a wind tunnel, the howl of a typhoon, until the air seems to tear itself apart. The audience cling desperately to their stands, loose articles of clothing flying down into the ring, and the structure itself moans in agony. Meat Boy is running hard away from the pink black hole, and not making any ground. Little Horn, too massive to be affected, shifts forward and begins to raise an arm to crush the immobile foe... and a chunk of meat flies off.

 The eldritch stitching holding together the physical residue of Meat Boy’s failures begins to unpick under the strain of Kirby’s inhalation, the frankensteinian creation dissolving as its component parts are ripped free of their mooring. In a wave of mutilation the entire thing loses definition, Little Horn collapsing in a flood of chunky redness.

Kirby stops inhaling, and lets out a satisfied puff of air. Meat Boy is left standing in the ruin of his horrific creature, and the tankbot is pulling itself up into place for combat.

Kirby grins, and waves. Meat Boy’s eyes narrow.

“Oh, looks like Kirby’s got that cube right where he wants him. Meat Boy’s got no real offensive capacity. The only question is, how long will it take Kirby to catch him? That blob can dodge pretty much anything!”

“I thought you weren’t going to commentate.”

“Shut it, it was appropriate to the moment.”

Meat Boy charges, amid the wreckage of Little Horn, but Kirby easily avoids him. The tankbot takes aim as Meat Boy runs past. Kirby, chasing Meat Boy, smiles hugely. The little red survivor has nowhere to run; he spins, facing his opponent, and charges again. Kirby, rather than trying to avoid him, lashes out, and the tankbot launches one last punch before its batteries die.

And it looks like this was Meat Boy’s plan! Kirby has been flattened, and Meat Boy is still standing, albeit a few teeth worse for wear.

MEAT BOY WINS!

WHIRRRRRRR

It appears Gezora is blending something... Wait, are those dead Meat Boys from Little Horn's body?

"This meat isn't rotten, it has experience! Come get your Meatshakes to celebrate Meat Boy's victory!"

A second later, Kirby pops up next to Meat Boy with a splort. Looks like that meat gave him instant respawn powers!

He still lost, though.