This year, we are doing it all over again! We have 26 entrants with a total of over 30 different unique fiters! Robots, animals, monsters, and yes, even a few humans, have all gathered together to fite for the right to became this year's champion! This is the Big Bar Brawl!
Our fiters were busy finishing their preparations in the locker rooms. All eyes were glued to the two sets of doors on either side of the arena. When one side's doors finally swung upon, the crowd let out a deafening roar or applause. The fiters began to leave the room, each one greeted by new cheers.
Oceanus and Gamera entered together, the giant kaiju holding both his torch and the robot's robot shark. Clippy drove his tank into the arena with Widow Maker riding on its side to provide cover fire. The sheep did not enter from the locker room. Instead, one of the clouds in the overcast sky morphed into the ungulate and dropped down into the arena. Ravage roars as IronicHide rides him into the arena. Some fiters like Erebus enter with a calm air about them, while others like Major Failure milk the crowd for praise. And then there is Contestant R, who somehow got into the arena when everybody must have blinked at the same time because I sure didn't see that mysterious fellow enter!
Samson and Constantine enter together. Their deal meant that Samson would protect the emperor, and Constantine was going to keep the Scotsman close in case someone tried to get him from the get-go. Doomrider roars in on his bike, doing a tongue-stand on the handlebars. Devil Ed and Flamedog walk in rather quietly, but only because Waspinator buzzing past and Rainbow Dash soaring by would drown out their words and/or barks anyway.
The remaining fiters fly, walk, or shuffle into the arena. The 25 fiters all stood near the middle, waiting for the official announcement to begin. But we are not quite ready yet...
Before we begin, let me introduce our band, who will be providing music throughout the match! Say hello to Mac Tonight and the Midnight Snacks!"
The band begins to play, and anyone who was here for the last Big Bar Brawl might just recognize the tune. Everyone please stand, for the Fite Yer' Mates National Anthem...
"When the brawlers, come to kill friends
A major bloodbath, Murder! –don’t be late!
Yeah, at Zoofights, the voters will fight – killer!
At Gezora’s! Showtime, it's Fite Yer’ Mates!"
As soon as the song ends and all 2 people who actually stood for it sit down, the fiters turn to each other and are ready to tear each other apart. But wait! We seem to be missing one of our entrants. This year's team of Mystery Fiters! From the opposite end of the arena, the second pair of locker room doors finally swing open. Steam pours out of the locker room as the laughing of five different voices can be heard. Ladies and gentleman, prepare to meet this year's team of Mystery Fiters...
"LADIES AND GENTLEMAN, THE CHALLENGERS FOR THE ULTIMATE FITE, ALL THE WAY FROM MORON MOUNTAIN, THE MONSTARS!"
And with the unveiling of our Mystery fiters, this battle can finally get underway! Big Bar Brawl 2 has begun!
Many fiters had entered with a good idea who they were going to go for first. Sine goes to fite with Jaxx, but the Monstars entering the arena have separated her from him. Jaxx casually walks towards her. He's in no real rush to begin, so he'll let the muscular aliens bounce around a bit before he begins killing anyone.
Constantine quickly runs to where the sheep had fallen from the sky, ready to fulfill his bargain early and free up his options for the rest of the brawl. Oceanus and Gamera go for Erebus, who was trying to take off into the air to join Pit and Waspinator in what was about to be an aerial battle. Widow Maker begins to instruct Clippy on the best target to aim his cannon at, and soon Doomrider finds himself driving around the arena to dodge the Newgrounds tank's AOL trial disc ammunition. IronicHide pushes Ravage to go towards Major Failure, but an overly drunk Gezora is serving as the Major's bodyguard and assistant, making it hard for the interviewer and his robotic ride to get close enough to hurt the Major.
But out of all the fiters predictably going towards their first battles, there was an oddball or two who stuck out. Mainly Blanko, the densest and tallest of the Monstars. The buck-toothed all-star was dribbling his basketball, weaving around as if he was playing a basketball game in the middle of the stadium! Most of our fiters were content to ignore him for now, but the big blue Monstar had drawn the attention of one fiter. Richard remembered the piece of advice he had received before the brawl had begun: Watch out for the weird ones. And no one in the arena was being as goofy as Blanko right now.
Richard ran towards Blanko, readying one of his many badges. By the time Blanko saw that Richard was coming towards him, the tiny bandit detective had jumped high into the air. Blanko jumped up and sent his basketball sailing through the air as he did so, and while the jump shot would have probably been a decent three-pointer, the orange ball failed to connect with Richard. Blanko seemed to be happy it hadn't hit the detective though, but Richard was too busy preparing his attack to notice. A badge on Richard's trench coat glowed as the boots of the bandit came crashing down on Blanko's head.
The move was called Dizzy Stomp, and its effects were immediately obvious. Even though Blanko never really handled himself with any grace, the alien now twirled around and almost got tangled in his own gangly body. Now that his foe would be incapable of even pointing at him, Richard was able to swap out his badges again. Blanko's dull stare and ridiculous body were the epitome of what Richard considered goofy, and if silliness was equal to strength in this arena, than the bandit could not take risks. He equipped a powerful badge and hurled one of his coins towards the feet of the blue bumbler.
"Woah dude, something feels weird..." Blanko was no longer dizzy, but it still felt like the ground was coming out from beneath him. That's because it totally was. The Power Quake badge had allowed the coin to create a miniature fissure beneath the alien's feet, and as soon as Blanko looked down to see that is what happened, he began to fall down the crack like Wile E. Coyote as he screamed like Goofy.
Speaking of our Mystery Fiters, one of the remaining four was making himself known amongst many of our fiters. And by making himself known, I meant bugging the crap out of them. Designate, Hanz, and Meagher did not mean to meet up like they had. They each had gone for a different mystery fiter: Designate after Bupkus, Hanz after Pound, and Meagher after Bang, but the tiniest Monstar had begun to bounce around the three before they could approach their targets. Nawt's constant barrage of "Watchugot?"s and "Bettawachout!"s had forced the three into a corner. None of them were frightened, but the alien moved too quickly to catch and he was far too annoying to avoid.
Their salvation came down from the sky on rainbow wings. Or rather, blue wings, but with rainbow hair. Rainbow Dash, murderer of last year's mystery fiter Mac Tonight, was now ready to take down another one of the surprise entrants. Nawt was tiny enough for Rainbow Dash to know she could fite him without risking being crushed by gratuitous muscle. The filly flew by, taunting Nawt with her own "You can't catch me!"s and "You're too slow!"s. The fastest of the Monstars was also the easiest to goad like this, and Nawt quickly abandoned the three fiters he was taunting and chased after the pegasus. Rainbow Dash flew just out of reach, trying to force Nawt to abandon his weapon, but the red alien was not willing to part with the ball.
Rainbow Dash decided to test just how fast Nawt was and hopefully wear the little guy out. The pony began to speed up, and Nawt dashed along the ground underneath her. The Custard Kittens riding on her back screamed with glee as they reached higher and higher speeds. As the speeds got more ludicrous, the kittens had to hold on tight to remain on Rainbow, but one kitten didn't have the ability to hold tight at all. The frozen Custard Kitten had no use of its arms, and it began to slip towards the back. Without even realizing it, Rainbow Dash accidentally bucked the frozen cat.
Nawt was pulling himself together when he saw Rainbow Dash flying towards him like a bullet recolored for Gay Pride Day. Nawt tried to dodge out of the way, but a slight adjustment of her trajectory was all Rainbow needed to headbutt Nawt into the sky. She flew after him and readied her hooves for an awesome kick, but the red alien grabbed onto her with one hand and began pummeling her face with the basketball he held in the other. Rainbow tried to kick her foe, but the constant assault to her face made it too difficult to aim properly. She began to flip about in the air, trying to shake Nawt. Eventually, the Monstar's grip slipped, but as he was about to fall down, Rainbow Dash bit down on the alien's arm.
Nawt was screaming, but not from pain. He was doing that thing some cartoon characters do where they were falling and screaming and they still scream a bit after they are caught. After he is done yelling though, he wonders why the pegasus even bothered catching him. The fall could have done a lot of damage. Rainbow Dash's teeth strained to hold up the basketball player, and her mouth was full of a mix of his blood and her own. She wanted to spit really bad, but she had a plan. She began to swing Nawt around, and once the Monstar was in the right position, she slammed her hooves down on him. The speedy pony's feet were just as fast as her wings, and before Nawt could even feel the knock back of the first kick, a thousand more from each hoof dug into him. The speedy stomping dug four holes into Nawt, just enough to kill the Monstar before he could even realize what Rainbow Dash was doing.
But if we solved the mystery of the mystery fiters, surely we can solve the mystery of the Orb of Mystery. Contestant R was wiggling the sphere around, trying to activate whatever powers it may have. It almost seemed as if no one had ever even told our anonymous entrant what his weapon can do! He jimmied it, he rustled it, he wiggled it, he jiggled it. No matter what he did, the Orb continued doing absolutely nothing. Without many other options available, Contestant R began to bang the sphere against his own body. Slamming it up and down on what I can only call his base, the mysterious fiter seemed convinced that hitting something will make it work.
But everyone knows what really happens when you hit something to make it work. It breaks.
In its oddly fingerless hands it held... A pager!
After all this kerfuffle, the fiters seem to have spaced out a bit, taking their conflict to multiple parts of the arena. Since they were so spread out now, Sine had no problem approaching Jaxx. Their fite was about to begin...
Bang, Bupkus, and Pound had occupied themselves with fiting Ed, Flamedog, Samson and Richard, so Sine and Jaxx had to work their way through the crowd to fite on the same side of the Monstar's current battle. But as the fites between them got more intense, the crowds spread out as if making way for Sine and Jaxx to meet. Once they had reached each other, there was a moment of silence. When a battle is built up like theirs, sometimes it is difficult to know how to start it. Jaxx discarded his cigarette, the last one he had brought with him.
"I'm as ready as I'll ever be," The Sentinel said. Sine readied The Rig, a backpack like object that fed into a glove. The glove could shoot an electric beam that bound anyone who got hit by it. Jaxx's powers would make him tough to handle, but Sine was confident in her ability and her weaponry.
"Alright Jaxx, I'm not holding back, and neither should you. If this is to be our final fite, than let's make it one worth remembering." Sine lifted her glove and prepared to shoot the beam out.
"Wadduyou want, you sun-dried raisin?" Bang was more than happy to stop chasing Richard to pick on a nun. He stood over her, trying to intimidate her with his size, but of course that is not going to work, she's blind and bat-shit crazy.
Alice didn't do anything. Bang was breathing heavily as he awaited an answer, but as the time went on the silence became more painful than any blow. Bang grabbed the blind nun and hoisted her up to his face. "I asked you a question! You deaf? Do I need to break your bones to make you speak?"
"Now listen here 'Bang'. You are the stupidest damn thing I've ever met, and believe me I have met some stupid people. These people here in the arena are capable of killing the biggest and baddest damn things you'll never meet, and you and your team of blobs squished into jerseys think you can come in here and kill even one of us? Your grotesque muscles mean nothing. The strongest people here are lean and more skilled than you could ever be. Your dumbass skills in basketball pilfered from all-stars no one will remember in 10 years mean nothing in this arena. You'll be lucky to escape with your body intact.
Two of your buddies were already killed by a boy and a pony. A BOY AND A PONY. If those weak pieces of shit were able to take out two of you, imagine what one of us with even a bit of strength can do to you. And I assure you Mr. Innuendo-For-A-Name, the moment I'm done chewing your ear off I'm going to rip you to shreds."
Despite her threat, she allowed the message to sink into Bang's thick skull for a minute. When she was about to break free of his hold and attack, she found that he had already let go of her by his own volition. His eyes were teary, and as he walked away from her, Bang threw his arms up and blubbered out the words...
By the time Bang's brawl in the audience is broken up, Sine has once more approached Jaxx in the Big Bar Brawl arena. "Alright then Jaxx, THIS time is really the last time we'll ever fite, so... yeah, let's do it." The interruption by Sister Alice had sucked some of Sine's vigor away, but her will to fite was rekindled as soon as Jaxx swung forward with his trademarked long distance punches. Although his fists never went further then the ends of his arms, the impact flew toward Ms. Cosine, who was quickly pummeled backwards. She activates the Rig and fires the beam forward, seizing Jaxx by his stomach.
Sine tries to pull up, but Jaxx has actually seized the beam with has bare hands and is pulling it away from his body. "You'll have to do better than that if you want to actually win this battle." Somehow, Jaxx is able to actually throw the beam away from his body. The beam slams into the frozen custard kitten, who was surprisingly close to the battle between the two. The poor cat is electrocuted and tugged around a bit before Sine can disable the Rig's current beam. Sine quickly apologizes to the cat, but since the cat can't move, she can't tell if her apology was accepted. She also cannot tell from her angle that the beam took out the poor kitten's eye.
Jaxx takes Sine's moment of weakness as an opportunity to close in on her. However, is still a good distance away when she fires another beam from The Rig. This time the beam seizes his arm, and before he could try and tug it off like last time, he is pulled into the air. Sine spins him around in the air a bit before she begins slamming him down repeatedly, the arena's hard floor bruising the Sentinel but failing to break anything. After a bit of being whipped around, Jaxx is able to recover his wits and lands on his feet. Before Sine can lift him back up again, he pulls his trapped arm back to pull Sine to the ground.
Breaking the beam off his arm, Jaxx dashes over as Sine gets better acquainted with the ground. Her nose is broken, but you don't need a nose to win a fite. Jaxx reaches her prone body and is about to stomp down when Sine twirls around and seizes Jaxx's leg with both of hers. She flips Jaxx down onto the ground and pins him. She aims the Rig's beam right at the back of his head, but Jaxx reaches back and snaps her left arm. The bone is broken instantly and is enough to buy Jaxx the time he needed to throw her off and stand back up.
The Rig's glove was on the right hand though, so even if Sine couldn't use her left hand, she could still use her weapon. She shot the beam out of the glove once more, still aiming for Jaxx Tantra's skull, but now that he wasn't pinned, her aim was not going to be as true. The beam shot forward and grabbed Jaxx, but not by his head. The beam had grabbed both of his eyes.
Jaxx was pissed. Well, more pissed than before. Although he could no longer see, he had a vague idea where Sine was. His long-range punches shot forward once more, but without his eyes they did not even hit close to where he wanted them to. Sine was being punched in places no other combatant would ever try to hit. Her armpit got a sharp blow, and she got a punch to the bones connecting her foot to her leg. Despite the odd points of impact, the hits were very effective, and Sine could not stifle her yelps of pain.
The sound was all Jaxx needed. He was over there faster than a soccer mom going to a Tickle-Me-Elmo sale. Sine shot out one more beam from the Rig, but Jaxx was close enough to grab the machine off of Sine's back and crush it. The glove fizzled and sputtered as it began to overheat. Without the accompanying backpack it could not handle the electricity. Sine tried to pull the glove off, but it was too hot for her to even touch. As she struggled with the failing tech, Jaxx reached an arm out silently. The hand phased right through her back and grabbed onto something inside of her.
Even though her hand was receiving increasing degrees of burns, Sine froze up. She knew what had happened. Jaxx had just seized onto her soul. The dimension-hopping delivery woman's soul would reincarnate if she died, but not if Jaxx destroyed it.
Jaxx smirked, "Looks like I got you there Sine."
"Fuck no. You thought I was just being cocksure coming to this battle with no weapon, didn't you? Well that's not the case. I had something much better in mind. Sine..."
Jaxx yanked on Sine's soul, ripping it out of her body and leaving her body a lifeless husk.
Sine's soul had tried to escape to be reincarnated at first, but as it lingered in Jaxx's hands, it began to take on Sine's appearance and personality. Before Sine's soul could even comprehend what's going on, Jaxx snapped it out and forced it to take on the shape of a sword.
"What the- Why the hell are you doing this?" Sine's soul seemed perfectly able of talking, but it was locked in the shape Jaxx had forced it in.
"If I am fiting the rest of this brawl, then I'm taking you for the ride, and I'm going to make it a living hell for you. Ready to stab your friends to death, Sine?"
Sine began to scream as Jaxx ran off into the arena, relying on his hearing alone to guide him. Sister Alice could not help but admire that smooth move of dickery, but she had more fiting to do as well. She ran off into the arena, presumably guided by hearing alone as well, but it would be foolish to try and understand how she functions.
Rainbow Dash had returned to where she first confronted Nawt by now. Designate and Hanz had already wandered off, but Meagher was still there, drinking some whiskey and watching the others tear each other to shreds. Rainbow Dash didn't think highly of someone just sitting on the sidelines. Rainbow Dash dived forward, targeting the ghost of General T.F. Meagher.
The main problem with Doomrider right now was not that he had to dodge the CDs being fired by a paper clip in a tank, but that the paper clip was getting help from a mantis with a gun. Even on a bike like Doomrider's you can only dodge constant firing for so long. Doomrider swung by Ed and Flamedog, sweeping the two up to have them help him out. The two at first tried to strike the biker, believing he was executing a sneak attack, but after a quick explanation they began to shoot down the ammunition of Clippy and Widow Maker with their laser eyes and fire breath.
Meagher was watching this particular exchange with interest. Doomrider was definitely someone he needed to watch out for since he was one of the few that could damage the general while he was immaterial. If the other fiters could just eliminate Designate, Doomrider, and perhaps Jaxx and Alice, Meagher felt he could waltz through the rest of the match without taking a single hit. T.F. Meagher lifts his bottle to take another swig, but there is a quick blur and suddenly his bottle is on the ground shattered. Meagher looks around, but finds no source for the bottle destruction. Drumming it up to some sort of spiritual drunkenness, the ghost pulls out another bottle and prepares to drink once more, only to have it happen again. He repeats this a few more times, but when he pulls out his last bottle, he readies his rifle with the other hand.
He slowly pulls the bottle up to his lips, and as soon as the whiskey is up to his mouth, he begins to fire with his rifle.The bottle shattered all over his face as Rainbow Dash came in for a crash landing. The bullets had nicked her wing, messing up her otherwise simple run to smash another bottle. She could still fly, but the sudden change was enough to screw her up. She tumbled right through Meagher, hitting the glass shards that did not stick in the face of a non-solid specter. Rainbow Dash quickly recovers from the fall and is back in the air by the time Meagher's rifle has a bead on her.
The pony had a reputation as a speed demon for a reason. Even as T.F. Meagher's rifle sights followed her with impeccable accuracy, the bullets were actually too slow to catch the pony. Meagher cursed his gun's limitations as he began to hover up into the air, trying to get rid of the y-axis from the aiming equation. This proved to help him a lot, as the bullets began to skim the edges of the pony's hooves and hair. Rainbow knew that she would get tired eventually, and since ghosts don't get exhausted she'd either have to slow things down or risk being riddled with bullets.
Rainbow decided that slowing down is for chumps and being riddled with bullets is also for chumps. Rainbow Dash shifted up her flight pattern to go straight towards the general. The Irish Brigade member did not expect the sudden assault, so he is only able to get off one shot before she closes the distance. The bullet hits one of her back hooves with a vengeance, but if she stayed in the air then the rear injury shouldn't cause too many problems.
Now then, the reason the pegasus closed the distance between her and a ghost she couldn't kick lies in the the material weapon he is using. Her front hooves kick the weapon out of Meagher's hands, sending it sailing down to the arena floor. Meagher is quick to drop down in his attempt to retrieve it, but Rainbow Dash begins to fly circles around him. A miniature rainbow tornado forms around Meagher, and the sheer force of the winds within it begin to tug on his spiritual body. It may not be able to hurt him, but the tornado could dissipate his spirit form into nothingness.
As Meagher struggled to keep himself together, the air around Rainbow Dash gets unusually cold. Rainbow pays it no mind, but when she suddenly comes face to face with a ghost horse, she is unable to keep up the tornado. Rainbow Dash plummets to the arena below as Meagher reforms. Wondering what stopped the filly, he looks around, only to be greeted by a plethora of friendly faces.
"Today, my brothers, we shall fight together once more!" Meagher signaled for the Brigade to move forward. The ones with long range weaponry began to fire at Rainbow Dash, who scrambled about on the arena floor as she tried to take off again. While taking off, she had kicked the rifle even further away, making it even harder for Meagher to retrieve his weapon. If he wanted it now, he'd have to get between Gezora, the Major, and IronicHide.
Meagher kept his mind on the task at hand though: exacting revenge on the pony. One group moved to the left to try and flank her, but once again the y-axis made things too difficult. Rainbow Dash was back up in the air and above the brigade members. She had an idea, but it would be a huge risk. The Irishmen were firing at her constantly with weapons that could kill her with one good hit. Even the ones using tools instead of conventional weaponry could hit her hard if she slipped this up.
The two horse riding ghosts were charging towards her, and she decided to test it on them. Flying as fast as she could, she tears right through the two horsemen. The two soldiers disappear entirely, but the horses reform, their souls too big to be taken down by the assault. "No problem," thought Rainbow Dash, "I'll just need to go faster." Rainbow Dash's body begins to blur. Soon, she looks half pony, half rainbow.
That's right everyone. She's pulling a Sonic Rainboom again this year.
Breaking the speed of sound and the speed of color apparently, a rainbow ring shoots out. The Irish Brigade think the ring is the attack, but that would be their fatal mistake. Or, rather, their second fatal mistake, since they probably already made one when they were alive. Rainbow Dash tears through one bunch of Irishmen, dissipating their souls. She makes a hairpin turn and comes back around, regaining the little bit of lost speed and creating yet another Rainboom next to her other one. She's created a Double Rainboom.
The two rainbows fade. Rainbow Dash is fluttering near where they used to be, but its clear two Rainbooms took a lot out of her. She was exhausted, and her fatigue gave the dwindled Irish Brigade the hope they needed. Half of the brigade flew off to the left and the rest to the right, with Meagher going up the middle. Rainbow looked at their movements and tried to figure out a counterattack. There was one more move she had in her arsenal, but she didn't know if it would work and she did know it would suck almost all of her remaining energy to perform it. But as she noticed that the Brigade members were forming a sphere around her and preparing to attack, she figured she might as well try.
No one ever saw what she did next, but they did see the bright light that it created.
"BUCCANEER BLITZ!"
On the other hand, many other fiters in the arena had those organs, and they were suffering for it. Dazed fiters tumbled about and had to cease fiting as they waited for their vision to return. Jaxx and Alice had no clue what happened but suddenly felt much cooler for having missed out on whatever made everyone else stumble like drunkards. The two fiters who were most affected seemed to be Widow Maker and Clippy. One had humongous eyes and the other was pretty much just eyes with a thin metal body. Plus, one of them was driving a tank. No longer able to see where they were going or where their former target was, the duo drove through the arena wall and out into the streets.
Back in the sky, the lightning around Rainbow Dash finally clears up. The exhausted pony can barely keep herself aloft at this point, let alone strike back. The Brigade members float around the pony as the General moves in towards her. She tries to lower herself, but the general is quick to dive in towards her. He phases through her, but before he has gone completely through her, he turns solid for a split second.
Doomrider's eyes clear up from the Buccaneer Blitz in time to see Meagher floating down to the ground. "Killing ponies? Not cool man, not fucking cool!" Doomrider's bike roars over. He pulls up to Meagher and his remaining Brigade members. "'Sup dudes. I'm here to kill ya."
While Doomrider's battle with Meagher begins, so too does Constantine's with the sheep. With only two entrants eliminated so far, it's still anyone's game! Except Rainbow Dash's and Sine's, but you know how it is...
Constantine was one to give credit where it is due, and the last emperor of Byzantium is giving some to Samson. As per their arrangement, Samson was defending him from the assaults of other fiters. Using his shock baton alone, Samson was able to keep both Pound and Bupkus at bay when they had tried to take Constantine and Samson on. Constantine had been biding his time in killing the sheep to keep his bodyguard around, but seeing Samson struggle with both Monstars motivated Constantine to finish his end of the deal. Perhaps having a bit of haggis would motivate Samson enough to finish off those two Monstars!
The Sheep was busy grazing, but not on grass. There is no grass in the arena. Ripping up the concrete and chewing it like cud, the Sheep seemed perfectly content at the moment. Constantine began to casually approach the mammal, his hand on the curved knife he was concealing so he wouldn't spook the creature. Once he reached the Sheep, he began to pet it on the head. The sheep enjoyed the petting, and let out a bleat that sounded like a baby's coo. Slowly, Constantine pulled Kali's knife out. Before the sheep could react, Constantine slit the animal's throat.
Blood gushed out of the wound, because that's what happens when a neck is slit. However, something else happened. The blood propelled the Sheep up into the air, and soon the sheep was flying about in the air like a balloon that had its end untied. That does not normally happen when a neck is slit. Constantine had no idea what the proper reaction to a sheep propelled by arterial blood is, so he began to run around beneath the creature hoping to catch it when it ran out of blood. The sheep flew higher and higher in the air.
Pit and Waspinator had been going back and forth for a while. Waspinator's rusty RPG pistol missed way too often, and Pit's EZ Cannon only seemed to harm Waspinator if he charged it, which left him vulnerable to the RPG Pistol. This had led to a stalemate. What they hadn't expected was a blood propelled sheep flying slowly past them. Unsure if it was dead or alive (somehow), they both fired at it, but their ammo was swallowed by the wool. Shrugging, the two decided their time was better spent in a stalemate then worrying about the bloody sheep blimp.
The sheep continued to sail through the skies, a very confused Constantine still following the blood trail it left on the ground below. He passed by Contestant R, who was still waiting for the pager to do something. He walked by Richard, who was still recovering from being blinded by the light. Constantine went on a long trek around the arena, only to find himself back at the point where they had started. The sheep slowly landed right in front of Constantine and began to munch on the now blood-drenched concrete. Anybody with an aerial view might have seen a very crude image drawn in the blood. It looked like Constantine falling on a sword just like the old suicide method.
As the sheep ate more concrete only to have it fall out of the gash in its throat, Constantine considered another method to kill it. He went to the side of the sheep to try and begin to gut it, but suddenly the ammo Waspinator and Pit had fired into the sheep's wool shot outwards out of the fleece. Constantine only barely dodges it by diving to the ground, but before he can get back up, the sheep is on top of him, nibbling on the emperor's helmet. Constantine pushes the sheep off, but it's mouth does not move. Even as the rest of its body stood a few feet away, the mouth was still stretched over and chewing on the helmet.
Constantine was getting tired of the Sheep's silliness, so he pulled his knife back around and tried to cut the Sheep's mouth free from the rest of its body. As soon as the knife touched the Sheep's mouth though, the creature was propelled over like it was fired by a slingshot. The sheep went up and over the emperor, but as soon as it hit the ground, it arced back over Constantine. The Marble Emperor was not amused, and as the Sheep bounced over his head over and over, he began to feel like the fence the sheep jump over when you count them to go to bed.
Regardless of what sort of fence he felt like, Constantine had one thing a fencepost didn't: a knife. As the sheep got ready to bounce back over his head, Constantine swung his arm in an arc. The knife cut right through the stomach of the animal, and unlike last time, this slash seemed to do the trick.
After the long process of gutting a sheep, Constantine carries the edible organs over to Samson, who was still holding off the two alien all-stars. When the two basketball players saw Constantine coming though, they had to cover their mouths to suppress the nausea. Constantine presented his armful of guts and blood to Samson.
"I have done it, as per our arrangement. I have brought you your food."
Samson looks at the organs and cannot help but guffaw. Constantine looks at the Scotsman, confused by his sudden fit of laughter. "Ah'ament gonnae eat that! That wis a joke! Besides, ye didnae even prepare it or wash it properly!" Samson slaps his knee as he continues to laugh at Constantine, and even the two Monstars begin to laugh at the emperor. The blood-drenched emperor did not find it so funny though.
Hefting up the offal, he pelted Samson in the face with the sheep's innards.
Meanwhile, Kali's knife began to glow. The pile of sheep guts that Constantine had not tried to serve to Samson were beginning to congeal into a mound of flesh and bone.
Of course, the Oozing Flesh moves at a snail's pace, so let's and observe the heated battle going on elsewhere in the arena. Gamera and Oceanus versus Erebus...
Erebus has spent almost his whole life training to be a perfect warrior, so fiting either Gamera or Oceanus alone might be a fite he could win. But with both fiters coming at him at once, he was unable to keep up. Oceanus has his five fingers of doom spraying to keep Erebus from getting in close with his lightning claws, and Gamera was dual-wielding a stone torch and a robot shark. Poseidon was quick to try and bite Erebus, and many times during their battle so far Erebus would have been devoured if not for the sturdy armor he wore.
His helmet was keeping track of the positions of each threat as they came in. Erebus had to constantly rely on his jump pack to dodge one blow, only to be sent into one made by the teammate. This isn't the first time he's regretted shirking ranged weaponry in favor of melee, but he hadn't given up yet.
Oceanus charged forward, his fingers spraying acid to try and dissolve the space marine's armor. Erebus dodged the spray and ran towards Oceanus, but Poseidon came swinging around. The shark bit down on Erebus and lifted the Chaos Marine into the air. Gamera held Poseidon still so he could spank Erebus with the Statue of Liberty's torch. Surprisingly, the blows did more than humiliate the marine. The armor on his rear began to crack, and Poseidon's teeth began to crack the chest plate. The armor had weathered too much and it was beginning to wear down.
While inside the maw of the robo-fish, Erebus activated his lightning claws. He could not slash them out while he was confined in the machine's jaw, but the lightning claws sent a ripple of electricity through the robot and caused it to ease up. Erebus slipped out and grabbed Gamera's torch. He hurled it at the kaiju's nose, which gave a Gamera quite the boo boo. Gamera dropped Poseidon and forced Erebus to slip back down to the ground. Gamera rubbed his nose as Oceanus went in for an attack.
Erebus looked like he might not expect a punch to the face from the robot master, so Oceanus took his chance and launched himself up into the air. Sailing towards his foe, Oceanus balled up his fist and prepared to punch Erebus in the face.
The area around their fite was now slick with oil, and the flames roaring out of Oceanus's broken finger did not help the situation. Once his body finally ran out of fuel to run the fire, the area around the three was a raging inferno. Incidentally, no one in the current scuffle was harmed by regular flames due to armor or their physical makeup, so they continued their battle like nothing really happened.
Oceanus tried to run towards Erebus, but the ground was too slippery from oil. The robot already had trouble walking with flippers for feet, but now he slipped off and away from the fite. Gamera decided to leave his torch to the side and continue fiting with just the shark. Erebus readied his jump pack so he could fly up to eye level with Gamera, but a sudden shark to the head put an end to that.
Poseidon now had to face Erebus alone, but thankfully the shell of Gamera was slippery enough to allow Poseidon the freedom of movement he had not had the whole fite. Poseidon propelled himself forward, but Erebus easily dodged the shark's advance. Jamming a fin into an indentation in the shell, Poseidon was able to swing himself around and ram into Erebus. His jaw failed to catch on the armor though, and Erebus managed to kick out a few teeth as the marine tried to keep himself from being devoured.
The constant spinning of Gamera's shell was making Erebus dizzy, but Poseidon was unaffected. No inner ear means no balance issues. Rocketing itself forward once more, Poseidon also kicked it's fins out to launch itself in the air. It's trajectory was calculated perfectly, and soon Erebus was almost entirely within the shark's body. Erebus began to push and punch the shark's insides, denting the shark enough to allow the Space Marine to jab his claws into the sides. He used his claws to lift the shark off of himself, but the still spinning platform they fought on caused him to trip before he could shred the shark.
The shark slid away and tried to repeat its move, but Erebus had not even stood back up yet. The shark sailed over Erebus, and the Chaos Marine barley managed to launch himself into the air. Poseidon thought it had just witnessed a suicide-by-shark, but Erebus slashed forward with his claws. The lightning talons cut through the robot's middle, splitting the shark in half.
Erebus took off with his jump pack, deciding to leave Gamera to play with the longest oil slick ever. He had no idea where Oceanus had slipped off to, but he had new targets in mind. Erebus was going off to face the two other fliers: Pit and Waspinator.
We now return to the CRAZY adventures of the OOZING FLESH! Starring Constantine, and guest starring Doktor Hanz!
That's right. After Constantine went off to seek a new opponent, Doktor Hanz had decided that the emperor would be a suitable opponent. A blow from Hanz's giant weiner signaled his intent to fite, and after Constantine found out he was being challenged and not being pelted by Samson with a retaliatory organ chucking, the two began their fite. All the while, the Oozing Flesh was closing in on Constantine...
Before we check in with Hanz and Constantine, let's see how Widow Maker and Clippy are doing in the city streets...
Both fiters had only just recently recovered their vision and realized how badly lost they were. The two were now trying to navigate the city streets and find their way back to the arena, but they were having more than a few problems.
"No no no Clippy! I said take a left on Marauder Street!"
"My left or your left?"
"Clippy, we have the same left! I told you you should have taken that right on Maul Street!"
"There are many rights on Maul Street! I didn't know which one you were talking about!"
"You were supposed to take the third right, like I said!"
"Your third right or my third right?"
"That doesn't even make sense! Don't you have GPS or something?"
"What's GPS? Grams per Second?"
The tank continued to roar through the city streets, making pretty much no progress on returning to the arena.
Back in our arena though, the accordion-headed German was showing off that trademark nimbleness I insist he has. Constantine had no weapon to fite Hanz with, and although the Doktor did have the sausage he could bash people with, it still was just about as strong as a good punch. Hanz did have the reach advantage, and as the Doktor circled around the Despot of the Morea, the meat was able to get in a few good hits. Constantine's armor provided enough defense to make the meat's hits mere slaps.
Constantine needed a weapon if he wanted to hurt this dancing Doktor, so he removed his helmet and placed it on his fist like a boxing glove. It wasn't much, but now his punches would pack a punch! Constantine began a series of hooks with the helmeted hand, and they connected with the accordion head of his opponent. The accordion honked repeatedly, but Hanz used the moment to trip up Constantine. A quick kick to the shins was enough to let Hanz get in a good smack with the meat on the now unprotected head of Constantine.
As Constantine staggered from the dizzying blow, Hanz began to swing the schnitzel with new vigor. Blow after blow hit Constantine, knocking the emperor to the ground and leaving him even more open to the assault. Constantine tried to punch back, but the hits bounced uselessly off of the packaged meat product.
Behind Hanz, the Oozing Flesh was lying stagnant. It had worked its way over when no one was watching it, but it did not want to be found out so it stopped moving when it was spotted. Constantine was suspicious of why the sheep remains were so close all of a sudden, but he saw his knife sticking out of the top and didn't want to jinx good fortune. He let Hanz get in a few more free hits before he found a break in the barrage. Leaping up to his feet, Constantine began to jam his helmet into the chest of Doktor Hanz, Hanz took these blows a lot harder than the ones to the head.
Constantine used Hanz's momentary stun from the chest blows to run towards the Oozing Flesh. He was just a few meters away when Hanz came back with a vengeance. The meat hit the back of Constantine's neck, a painful blow to say the least. Constantine put his helmet back on as he recovered from that blow. He wouldn't need the improvised weapon now that his old one was so close. Hanz punched forward with his free hand, catching Constantine off guard again as a man so accustomed to being slapped by the schnitzel should be.
Hanz began to mix his moves up even more. Constantine found himself trying to block kicks and even attempts at grappling. As he did his best to defend he pushed the fite closer and closer to his knife. It seemed as if the knife got closer on its own sometimes too. Once they finally were near the mound of sheep organs, Constantine kicked Hanz in the groin. A dirty tactic, but necessary at the moment. As Hanz keeled over, Constantine turned and tried to pry the knife out of the offal.
The knife was now blade up though, so he had to try and dig in the sheep flesh to find the handle. As he dug into the flesh, his hand began to blister and become numb. He was able to pull them out before anything else bad could happen, but now he could no longer move his fingers. He turns to Hanz, who did not look happy about the kick to the nuts. Constantine attempted a few punches to the chest, but his ruined hands were incapable of producing anything stronger than a slap. Without a word, Hanz swung his sausage around, nailing Constantine directly on the face.
Constantine stumbled backwards, right where the Oozing Flesh currently sat. He tripped on the mound of organs, and fell right onto his own knife.
Hanz's weapon now cracked forward with a new strength, sending the Armor construct of the Oozing Flesh tumbling back into the mound. The flesh begins to flee as Hanz and his Frankenweiner chase after it, both eager to continue the fite.
Meanwhile, Jaxx is busy trying to fite with Richard. The Sine Sword is proving to be the opposite of Hanz's loyal schnitzel. Whenever he is about to cleave the detective with her, Sine bends her body the tiniest bit to make the blow ineffective. Jaxx's blindness did not help the situation either, and he was still chocking up the misses to his own inaccuracy.
The pig squealing gave him pause though. After dodging a telegraphed Hammer Throw from Richard, Jaxx raises a finger to try and tell the bandit he wants a time-out.
"Hey Sine. Help me out, is there a pig in the arena?"
He points the Sine Sword in the general direction of the sound. "I'm not helping you Jaxx. I may be your sword, but I'm going to be the least helpful sword that ever existed!"
"Wait a minute... That's why I'm missing! I should have killed that kid ages go, but you keep messing me up!"
"Hey!" says Richard, but as just as quick as he pipes up, both Jaxx and his sword shush him. Richard decides to just walk off, hoping to find an opponent he can actually hurt. Richard's coins had been deflected easily by Jaxx, and even that Hammer Throw was wasted. He really needs to be quieter when he uses his badges and coins.
The schnitzel squeals again. "There it is again! Fine, if you won't tell me if someone's brought bacon in the arena, I'll go find it myself!" Jaxx tried to follow the sound of the squealing, but suddenly his ears were assaulted... with bad singing.
"Lollipop lollipop
Oh lolli lolli lolli
Lollipop lollipop"
Sine was singing as loud as she could as terribly as she could to try and throw Jaxx off the trail of the other fiters.
"Stop singing that damn song Sine. You may be a spirit right now, but that doesn't mean I can't still fuck you up."
"I'm not going to help you at all Jaxx. I'm going to make sure you don't hurt anyone else! I would rather be reincarnated as a pickle than keep being your sword!"
As soon as she said that, Jaxx snapped her ghostly back. With all the pain of a human back breaking, Sine couldn't help but scream. Jaxx snapped her back to fit her back into her sword position. "Alright then, that should make you more cooperative. Where's the damn pig?"
Sine was very quiet now. Her earlier spunk had dissolved after the spine-snapping. "There is no pig."
As those two began to work together (to an extent), Meagher and his ghosts were struggling to come up with a way to counter the craziness of Doomrider...
It was a good thing that Meagher had retrieved his rifle, or else there would have been no way he and his men could have made it this far. As soon as Doomrider began to attack them, he grabbed one of the ghosts and sent him through the engine of his motorbike. T.F. Meagher had no idea that a ghost could turn to ash, but Doomrider was only getting started. After his gun was back in his hands, the General was able to keep Doomrider from closing in by shooting the servant of Slaanesh, but the ammo would only last so long.
Doomrider's face was riddled with bullet holes. He wasn't as fast as Rainbow Dash, so the General's aim was spot-on when he fired at the biker. Doomrider stuck a thumb in his mouth and blew, and the bullets shot back out of his face at full speed. The ghosts had nothing to worry about, being ghosts and all, but a frozen Custard Kitten elsewhere in the arena got quite a surprise as it scooted along trying to find its comrades.
Seeing this, Meagher had to think of something new he could do. He called in the remaining Brigade members and started to tell him his plan.
Doomrider came racing towards them, but suddenly they all slipped into the ground. Doomrider got off his bike for a moment and stuck his head in the ground like how an Ostrich never has ever done in reality. He fails to see where the ghosts have gone, and he also fails to see that four of them have just purloined his bike. Before Doomrider can pull his head out of the ground, the bike has been tossed into the stands and into the lap of Bang. Bang, who hadn't been watching Meagher vs. Doomrider, is angry enough from the random attack to crush the bike with his bare hands. He tosses it back into the crowd, and soon the audience members are hitting Doomrider's balled up bike around like a beach ball at a concert.
Doomrider was looking around for his bike for a while, never bothering to consider the audience. During this time, a few other ghosts went over to Designate 5 and tugged on his feet. Designate followed the group over to Doomrider without knowing who they were.
"Oh hey! Blue haired guy! Came to let my have some of your fuel rod I hope!"
Designate shook his head and looked around. He knew Doomrider would not be so sneaky in pulling him over, so he figured there must be other forces at work. He wandered off, and Doomrider was left hanging. That part of the plan hadn't worked, but now Doomrider looked sad, and that was just as good!
As Doomrider moped around, Meagher had dragged over the head of Poseidon. The group of ghosts lifted it up and dangled it above Doomrider, trying as hard as they could not to make a sound. But then Doomrider's hair flared up extremely high. Two of the ghosts were instantly vanquished by the flame. Doomrider was screaming about having no fun, but when he heard the sound of a shark head dropping a little off target, he whirled around.
"I think I know the problem. I'm losing my buzz." Doomrider grabbed the head of Poseidon and crushed it to dust in his hands. He takes a big huff of the dust, and he begins to twitch and twirl about. Once he has finished, he has big metal teeth. Seriously.
"Oh yeah, that's one helluva high!" Doomrider gnashed his metal jaws a bit before he turned back to the ghosts. Meagher lifted back up his rifle and began to open fire, but Doomrider closed in and pinched the gun's muzzle closed. "Sorry babe, but that gun is out of service."
He grabs the gun and tosses it away. He lashes out with his temporarily metal jaws, but two Irish Brigade members bravely sacrifice themselves to save Meagher. Meagher backs off and tries to fly away, but he cannot abandon his allies. Doomrider was devouring the spirits of his soldiers, and he wasn't going to stand for it. He dived back in to battle, hoping he could maybe stop Doomrider before all the brigade members were gone. Doomrider finished chewing on the last of the bunch though, and Meagher was to be dessert.
But he had more planned for Meagher. The shark buzz was wearing off quickly. Meagher was flying right towards his face, so it did not take much effort for Doomrider to begin to snort the ghost. Meagher was sucked in, and no matter how hard he fought it, he could not escape the pull of such an experienced drug user's nose.
Meanwhile, the Irish Brigade members who were tasked with disposing of the bike could only stare blankly. They had seen Meagher get inhaled, and in addition the utter disrespect of it all, they were horrified that he could do that. Their General had fallen, and they were the last four soldiers serving.
One of the members pointed out the discarded gun. The group took a moment of silence to pay their respects to the greatest soldier they had ever known...
But of course it won't be. The three remaining members quickly phase into the ground and begin to tug Designate in after them. Although it may look like damned spirits trying to tug him to Hell, Designate remained calms and dipped a hand into his blue flame. They continued tugging him down deeper and deeper into the ground, and soon it was impossible to see Designate at all. For a while, there is nothing to see there. Some audience members write him off as dead, but eventually two of the brigade members come soaring out of the ground. They were fleeing, and the reason why breaks open the arena floor. Designate held his fuel rod in one hand, but in the other was the burning blue ghost of a brigade member who didn't know he wasn't supposed to tug on the hand.
Once that ghost had completely burnt up Designate set his site on the two remaining ones, stalking off into the arena. The ghosts had looked for a safe place to hide, and in an arena with so many murderers, a nun looked like a safe bet. Of course, the only nun in our arena is also one of the few other fiters capable of tearing apart immaterial ghosts. As they cowered behind her and asked her for protection, Sister Alice reached down and grabbed one by the throat. She looked him over, considered him for a moment, and then slashed forward. Her metal fingernails tore through the spirit, meaning that the last member of the Irish Brigade was now behind a murderous nun.
He only just escaped a shredding himself by phasing into the ground once more. Alice spat at the place he had hid in, and when she saw Designate coming, she pointed him to directly to the spot. The sister watched with interest as Designate put out the fire on his hands and prepared to dig through the arena floor. The ghost was cowering in the ground and saying prayers to the many saints he had learned in Sunday School, but that was not enough to stop the necronaut from uncovering the ghost's hiding spot. Before the spirit could fly off, Designate seized him and pulled him up to his head.
Although Designate 5 killed the last Brigade member with little to no emotion, Sister Alice could not help but cackle at the fate of the "faithful".
Boy oh boy Contestant R sure has done a lot this match, huh? Those were the kind of sarcastic thoughts I'd like to imagine our mystery competitor thinking right now as we draw our attention back to him. But why do we draw our attention back to him? Because of the man who just walked into the arena. This was the man that Contestant R's pager had called, and he had finally shown up.
Contestant R had trouble recognizing him at first, but it is a face we all recognize. A short, portly man with a big mustache walked towards Contestant R. Members of the audience gasp, surprised to see him in the arena. One of Sintendo's stars had arrived, but why had he come to help Contestant R?
This man, nay, this HERO, is....
"Hey... Do you have any idea what time it is? I was sleeping..." Professor Hector rubs his eyes and yawns. He seemed really out of it, and as Contestant R tried to explain what had happened with the Orb of Mystery by arm motions alone, it seemed that the good professor was beginning to nod off!
Before Contestant R could communicate his situation or try to ask any questions, Professor Hector was out like a light. The professor had fallen asleep standing up, but that is not all. He begins to sleep walk away. Contestant R catches onto one of the corners of the labcoat and begins to scale the scientists. Maybe Professor Hector was supposed to be sent by the pager as some sort of loyal steed?
As Contestant R positioned himself on Professor Hector's nose, he began to try and figure out how he was going to attack anyone from his position.
When you are coming down from a high like Doomrider just had, it often involves literally coming back down. On his way down though, he bumped into Erebus.
"Dude! How you doing in this dogfight?"
"Not well, Doomrider. They have ranged weaponry, so whenever I try to get in close, I get blasted away. If it wasn't for my armor, I would surely be dead."
"Dag, yo. That is some fucking messed up stuff. Well, I can't hover around here forever. Maybe I'll see you again someday on the ground!"
And with that, Doomrider continued falling down to Earth. Erebus spared a moment to look down at the arena below. Some people were fiting, but for the most part it looked like a mess of blood and fire. Gamera seemed to have just discovered that he was sliding around pointlessly, and he reunited with Oceanus. Gezora still made it impossible for IronicHide to close in and fite the Major, and there was some new guy with a mustache in the arena. Whatever it was, he would deal with it later.
Waspinator had spent most of the aerial battle being too shocked by how unharmed he is to really devote his energies to winning. Pit was too busy dealing with the double trouble of Waspinator and Erebus to ever get in a charged shot, and Erebus was too busy struggling with the range issue to ever get in close enough for a hit.
Erebus considered the situation for a minute. Every time he tried to do something tactically sound, the others had an answer for it. He needed to think differently, he needed to think outside of the box... What Would Doomrider Do?
Erebus charged forward and as the inevitable projectiles came towards him, he cut his jump pack, he began to plummet. Waspinator decides to give chase, which finally frees Pit up to dive off to the side. Both fire their weapon, but the trajectory is off for a rapidly falling target. Erebus allows himself to get dangerously close to the ground before he starts his jump pack back up. His toes skim the floor as he starts rocketing back up. Waspinator and Pit are not able to reverse their dives quickly enough, and as Erebus goes soaring upwards, his electrified claws scrape them both. Pit begins to spasm from the shock, and the spasms send his jetpack off on a weird course. Waspinator, on the other hand, begins to plummet as his systems fail.
Erebus readies his jump pack to chase after his opponents now that they were the ones dropping. He decide to pursue Pit, since it seemed like Waspinator would die from the fall without his help. Pit was still shaking and swerving about when Erebus reached him. The Chaos Marine closed in and was ready to decapitate the angel when the young man stops twitching and quickly flips over the marine and kicks him away. Without missing a beat, he twirls around, a charged shot from his cannon already loaded from the time he spent pretending to spasm. The blast goes straight for Erebus's back.
Waspinator had copied Pit's ruse, right down to the purpose of it. The RPG slammed into Pit's jetpack.
One fiter who was most assuredly powerful was Samson. He had been keeping both Pound and Bupkus at bay the whole fite with his shock baton and willpower alone. The Monstars had long since lost their basketballs, having hurled them at Samson in a sad attempt to do damage. Samson was rather tired, but he had to keep fiting. The moment he let up is the moment the two muscular brutes tear him apart.
As if they had sensed someone needed back-up, Devil Ed and Flamedog entered the scene. Lasers and fire distracted the purple Monstar enough to make him let up on Samson. As Bupkus went to fite Ed and Flamedog, Pound and Samson were left to fite one-on-one.
"Now I can crush you all by myself!" laughed Pound.
"That's whit you'd think, isn' it?" Samson cracked his knuckles and charged at Pound, who was quick to try and pound Samson with his fist. The Arbiter slammed his rod against the Monstar's fist, electrifying the alien and dulling the attack's strength. Samson had no problem weathering the wimpy blow that ended up hitting him, and he slid under the Monstar's legs.
Pound looked underneath himself to try and find Samson, but the Arbiter had expected this. As the face reach the point it could see between the gap, Samson rammed his shock baton into the Monstar's face. The electricity dulled Pound's senses and allowed Samson the time he needed to scale the giant orange monster's back. As Pound finally mustered the strength to stand back up, he found that he had a Samson necktie. The Scotsman dangled from Pound's neck by his hands, but by the time Pound tried to smack his new neckwear, Samson had swung himself around and back onto the alien's back.
Using his shock baton like a garotte, Samson began to choke Pound. Pound tried to reach up and stop it, so Samson was forced to apply the electricity, even though it meant he'd shock himself. The Monstar's arms were unable to move properly as the electricity coursed through his body, and Samson was only able to hold on just long enough to kill Pound.
Samson charged across the arena and smacked Flamedog out from Bupkus's grip. Ed scowled at Samson, partly for coming to take his opponent away, but mostly for hitting Flamedog so hard with the baton. Ed ran off to make sure Flamedog was okay, but Samson now had to face Bupkus without the help of a distraction. An arm as thick as he was swung towards Samson, and the Arbiter tried to repeat his earlier tactic of weakening the arm with a shock, but there was too much meat on the arm to be weakened significantly enough. Samson is floored easily.
Bupkus plants a foot on Samson's face and begins to twist it, laughing as he does so. Samson repeatedly strikes the leg with the electrified baton, but still no progress was being made. The Monstar still stood tall. Bupkus lifted his leg and was prepared to sit on Samson to up the humiliation, but the Arbiter was quick to roll away. Bupkus sat down on the ground, and Samson used the oppurtinity to swing his baton against the Monstar's face.
Still.
Nothing.
Bupkus stood back up and grabbed Samson, pulling him up the few extra feet that was required for them to be eye level. Bupkus began to laugh, "Without your pixie stick, you couldn't hurt a fly! Although it does feel like you're swatting flies when you hit me with that thing!"
Bupkus begins to squeeze Samson as he laughs harder and harder, his big stupid mouth wide open. Samson was getting pretty tired of that guy's grin. That's guy laugh. He managed to wriggle an arm free. Even if it wouldn't shut him up, at least he'd stop smiling. He lifted the shock baton and jammed it into Bupkus's mouth.
Stop.
Bloody.
Smilin'.
Samson stretches as he tries to fix the problems being almost crushed can cause to your body. Meanwhile, I'm sure we all want to know how IronicHide is doing in his quest to take down Major Failure...
I'm sure by now you understand the drunken cuttlefish known as Gezora has been a constant cause of woe for poor IronicHide. The guys just wants to kill our benevolent dictator and creator of Zoofights! Is there anything truly wrong with that?
Well the time for a change is coming, and it's name, is "Gamera and Oceanus, who probably need a really cool name for the duo". After recovering from the Erebus Incident, the two had no reason to really stay together, but Oceanus felt Gamera owed him something for getting his shark killed, so they stuck together. Gamera and Oceanus lumbered around the arena, discussing who would be awesome to fite. When Gezora came into view, it became clear: "EPIC KAIJU BATTLE!"
IronicHide had hopped off of Ravage a while back, hoping to distract the bartender with his mount as he snuck by to fite the Major. The Major had been trying to help Gezora, tossing his hammers like a Hammer Bro, but the ones that did go off always seemed to be the ones that accidentally hit Gezora. A regular minefield of explosive tipped claw hammers existed between IronicHide and Major Failure, and it made it easy for Gezora to keep an eye on the interviewer even as he devoted half his tentacles to fending off the jaguar-like robot.
The only problem with this set-up is what happens when a giant turtle comes up to you, ignoring the exploding hammers beneath his feet, and bops you on the head with the Statue of Liberty's torch. Gezora's tentacles ease up, allowing both IronicHide and Ravage to finally get past Part 1 of the Approaching Major Failure Gauntlet. Gezora turns to Gamera, confused, and the giant turtle strikes a pose. Gezora is to drunk to get what Gamera is going for, so Oceanus guesses that's the closest we'll get to the EPIC KAIJU BATTLE STANCE this brawl.
IronicHide hopped on board of Ravage again now that the giant that blocked their path was gone. They easily navigated the minefield of hammers by going around it, but Major Failure stood ready to cream them if they got close. He still had plenty of hammers in the old sack of his, and their explosions were strong enough to blow up IronicHide's robotic mount. IronicHide would have to take the cautious approach, and by that I mean he ran along the hammerfield/minefield scooping up the wasted hammers for his own use. Major Failure pulled up his steel bin shield as if that could protect him from the hammers, but hey, at least he brought a shield.
Most people didn't.
IronicHide began to chuck his hammers at the Major, but the dictator planned his deflections perfectly. He slammed his shield against the hammers, but since they hit the handles or the claws, they did not activate the explosives. Ravage was beginning to close the distance between the two. Major Failure had decided standing in one place was not a good battle plan, so he began to charge towards his approaching opponents. He held multiple hammers in his hands and he tossed a few at IronicHide. Ravage's quick movements made the hammers miss, but as they hit the ground, they exploded, Ravage was blown off to the side, and IronicHide leaped off his ride to avoid the tumble.
IronicHide charged towards Major, swinging his hammers wildly just hoping one would make contact. Major just backed up some at first, but IronicHide was not stopping his assault. Major decided to trip IronicHide, but at the same time the interviewer had decided to do the same. They both tripped each other, falling down and dropping the hammers they held in their hands. The claw hammers detonated all around them, and both fiters tried to use the other's body as cover. After the explosions stopped, the both looked at each other and let out a nervous laugh.
And then IronicHide clocked Major Failure on his hippo chin. Major Failure opened his mouth and bit down on the hand that had just punched him, and IronicHide began to frantically beat the dictator with his free hand to try and get the Major to ease up on his bite.
Major Failure briefly opened his mouth, but only so that he could get IronicHide's other hand in there too. Now both of his hands were stuck. Major Failure began to fish around in his bag for some hammers, but suddenly the Tripredacus Agent returns! Ravage tackles the Major, forcing him to spit up the interviewer's hands. Ravage's fangs began to cut away at Major Failure's face, but the dictator reached for his bag... It wasn't there!
When he had been tackled, the bag of hammers had slipped off. As IronicHide recovered from his hand injuries, he picked up the bag and filled both hands with two hammers. He was going to make the Major light up like yesterday's fireworks! However, Major Failure did have something in his hands still. The creator of Zoofights whipped his trash can lid shield around and jammed it into the ravenous maw of the Decepticon. Ravage pulled back to try and remove the bin from his mouth, but the dented old thing was stuck to his teeth.
Ravage removed the trash can lid from his mouth (for the most part) and charged towards the Major again. But unlike last time, he no longer had the element of surprise. Ravage leaped up to tackle the dictator, but Major swung IronicHide around to take the blow instead. Ravage accidentally floored IronicHide, knocking the bag of hammers loose once more. As IronicHide scolded his assistant, Major pulled out on of his hammers and walked slowly over to IronicHide.
IronicHide scrambled to his feet and fuddled around his person. He realized that he didn't have the bag anymore a bit too late. Major was within swinging distance. The creator of Zoofights was bringing his hammer down, and IronicHide did not have much time to think. Instead of running away or trying to fite back, he tried to go for the double KO. He ran in towards the swing, but Major Failure had gotten just enough of a head start. The hammer made impact with IronicHide's head, blowing it to smithereens. However, IronicHide's end gambit had done one thing: the blow took out one of the Major's arms.
"He has died before me... What am I supposed to do now?" asked Ravage.
"Why are you asking me? You could go smell the dog's butt I guess." replied Major Failure.
"You know I am based on a feline, not a canine, right?"
"I didn't say you had to enjoy it."
Ravage walked off, not to smell a dog's butt, to hopefully find a purpose for him in this massive brawl.
Major Failure took a while to treat his wound, but as he did so, he was watching the battle his ally Gezora was engaged in.
No matter how many times he did it, bopping Gezora on the head with the torch never got old. The cuttlefish was busy trying to make important strikes against its opponent, aiming for vitals or going for the KO shot. Gamera on the other hand was content playing Whack-A-Gezora. If Oceanus hadn't put an end to it, it might have gone on for the rest of the Brawl.
Oceanus had begun to scale Gezora's back, and Gezora was forced to split the target of its many tentacles. Half of its attack arms tried to stop more torch boppings as the other half tried to swat Oceanus off of its back. If Gamera had been trying to kill Gezora, he probably could have easily done so while his opponent was distracted. Oceanus called out for his ally to do something.
"I am doing something! Boppin' him!"
Oceanus facepalmed and climbed to Gezora's top. He seized the torch before it could slam down again, and he chucked it over into what looked like a pile of organs. "No more Gamera! I am not going to get killed because you were playing around!"
"God Oceanus, I thought you were cool." Gamera crossed his arms, but as the two allies squabbled, the bartender took his chance to grab Oceanus and chuck him at the pouty turtle. The robot bruised the turtle's nose, but Gamera was kind enough to catch his ally before he could fall down and possibly get hurt more. The two agreed to get serious.
Gamera backed up and pulled Oceanus up like he was about to pitch. Yes, this is them getting serious. Winding up the pitch and spitting out some Big League Chew no one ever saw him open, Gamera threw Oceanus right towards the cuttlefish's face. Oceanus had been cheated out of a facepunch earlier today, but a high speed kaiju pitched super punch would make up for it.
But it's not like Gezora just let down its guard when it saw a kaiju winding up a pitch. Gezora at first considered striking a catcher's pose, but without a mitt Oceanus could just go sailing through its tentacles. Instead, Gezora dangled its tentacles in front of itself like fishing hooks, and as the Oceanus rocketed through the air towards Gezora's face, one of those hooked tentacled caught something.
Gezora sighed and waved goodbye to the only opponent it could face of equal size. It turned around to help Major Failure with his fite against IronicHide, but all it saw was the dead body of the former opponent and the dictator struggling to make a tourniquet with one arm. Major spared a moment to give a thumbs up, but the tourniquet came loose as he did so. He continued to while away at it, one of his pant legs getting ever shorter as he needed more and more cloth to stop the bleeding.
Gezora realized something as it finally got a break from fiting. It had over-prepared for the brawl in the drinking department, but the giant cuttlefish was starving! It had expected to have eaten a few more fiters by now, and so far it had a grand total of zero in its stomach. Gezora scanned the arena and considered its options. There seemed to be a pile of Oozing Flesh moving about, and Doktor Hanz was tenderizing it too! With a weiner! Oh what a smorgasbord! But, the area they were fiting near was near the oil fire. Gezora had been working on its weakness to flames, but with so much alcohol in its system, it was probably flammable on alcohol content alone.
The Gezora saw him. Samson. The Scotsman had clearly fought a hard battle recently, and he looked like he had been cooked a little too. Either way, Gezora had picked its midfite snack and it was not going to let anyone come between it and this meal. Gezora walked over to Samson, and the Arbiter could not help but scream in surprise. He had just finished fiting strange beings much larger than he is, and this cuttlefish was just way too much.
But that did not mean he wasn't going to fite it. Samson charges towards Gezora, waving his shock baton and letting loose a war cry. Gezora did the same, except without the shock baton and the war cry was more of a war gurgle.
The bartender shot out its longest tentacles to try and get an early hold going, but they were batted aside by the baton. Samson continued to bat away the tentacles as more and more attempted to assault him. Once Samson had closed the range gap he began to scale one of the bartenders chunkier leg tentacles. All the other tentacles came towards him, but he quickly hopped over to the other leg. Soon, tentacles were getting tangled with each other, and Samson hadn't even been trying to cause it to happen.
Scaling the rest of the leg tentacle, Samson reach the kaiju's eyes. He prepared to slam his shock baton in them, but Gezora had two tentacles almost reflexively pop up to block its eyes. The blow from the baton still hurt its eyes, but it didn't lose them. Instead, its tentacles shot forth in a peekaboo motion, dislodging Samson from his perch atop a tentacle and grounding the Scotsman once more.
Once more, Samson had to fite his way through a veritable jungle of tentacles to reach Gezora again, but this time, he did not attempt to scale the beast. Samson was running his electrified shock baton along the supporting tentacles like a boy running a stick along an electric fence. Each leg gave out from the shock, and soon Gezora came tumbling down. As the cuttlefish fell, Samson saw the beast's mouth and readied his shock baton. He was about to chuck it into the maw of the bartender.
He readies his throw like a caber toss, and as soon as he let it go, Gezora smacked the shock baton out of the sky. "That takes care of that," says the bartender. Samson was about to chase after his weapon when a tentacle seized the Arbiter. With no weapon to disable the tentacle, Samson was forced to punch and bite it in a bid for freedom. He could not escape though. Gezora pulled the man towards its mouth and took a big bite out of him.
At around this time, the Custard Kittens trek to find their lost brother was getting too much for the two to handle. Squinty eyed cat told bent cat to rest. Bent cat could not go on much longer, so it was all too happy to follow this advice. Squinty eyed cat continued on the journey, but as the bent cat rested, an opponent approached from behind. Flipping a coin, Richard was ready to take down another goofy character.
Richard stood over the bent cat, deciding which badge he would have to use to take down such a formidable foe. To last this long, this kitten must have something that makes it hard to kill, or something that lets it kill others very quickly. Now was not the time to hold back. If the silly characters are the strongest ones, Richard could not imagine what this cute cat made of custard might be capable of. He equipped one of his strongest badges: The Mega Smash. Another hammer based badge, the badge would turn his coin into a powerful hammer that should squish the kitten before it even knew he was coming.
The bent cat just so happened to turn around at that moment. It wanted to see how the other fiters were doing, and it had no clue what to do when it saw the detective standing above him with a coin in his hands. The bent cat began to try and scoot away, but Richard was not about to let this dangerous opponent escape. Flipping his coin down towards the cat, a giant hammer appeared and reduced the cat to a gooey pile of custard.
Tentacles came at Jaxx from each side, and even though Jaxx successfully severed a few with Sine's head, the others seized the Sentinel and hoisted him up. Jaxx's immense strength was letting him escape from their grip, but as more and more tentacles began to constrict him he could no longer break free of their hold. Gezora began to pull the Sentinel towards its mouth when Jaxx began to call out.
"Alice! Alice! Where are you, you worthless hag?"
Sister Alice was not that far off actually. She slowly walked over and watched as Jaxx got closer and closer to Gezora's mouth. Tentacles snapped and were replaced with such surprising speed it was a wonder there were any left. Sister Alice takes a moment to bask in the hopelessness, but she did owe him the one boon, "I'm here. Why the hell are you bothering me. I'm very busy."
Sister Alice wasn't busy at all, but she loved playing pranks on blind people just as much as the people who tried it with her. Jaxx screamed out, "Kill this goddamn squid! Kill it now!" Gezora did not appreciate being called a squid, and it began to pull Jaxx even harder towards its mouth. Alice sighed and walked over to the scene of the fite.
She hadn't done much fiting per se just yet, but now she was going to let loose. She ran up to Gezora and used her sharp nails to slash off the many tentacles that held onto Jaxx. Jaxx tumbled to the ground and backed off a bit. Sine began to yell at Sister Alice for not letting Jaxx die, but Jaxx threatened to snap her back again and that shut her up quickly.
Gezora was already dangerously low on tentacles by now, and most of the remaining ones were required to support its weight. Sister Alice, on the other hand, was relatively untouched by any other fiter. Alice charged forward, but she was knocked back by one of the beefy leg-like tentacles Gezora still had left. This was only a momentary problem for the blind nun. She charged right back towards Gezora, only to meet another one of the beefy legs. She repeated this assault a few more times, and after a while even her metal bones were beginning to dent from the assault.
She charged forward again, and Gezora shot a tentacle forward as if it were routine by now, but this time it missed. Sister Alice had slid under the leg. By making herself so predictable, she made her next move even harder to guess. While under the cuttlefish, the mouth snapped forward in an attempt to eat Alice. Alice was too busy to be for dinner though. She span around in a circle, her arms outstretched. Her metal nails cut all the remaining tentacles, leaving Gezora as just a living head.
Alice came out from behind the cuttlefish and opened her mouth incredibly wide. She reached into the darkness of her maw and pulled out a platter. She quickly tossed what remained of Gezora into one of the nearby fires, and waited for him to cook. When he was done, Alice retrieved what remained and placed in on a plate.
"Try to eat me, I'll eat you."
"There is your boon Jaxx. Don't expect me to go easy on you now." Alice finished her meal and threw the platter aside. She stood in a battle stance, ready to take down her biggest threat in the fite.
But before she could even go for a first strike, a huge charged shot flies past her. Jaxx barely dodges the blow. Alice turns to see Pit, who without his jetpack was now limited to ground combat. Alice cracked her knuckles and turned to him. "I forgot about you angel boy. You are on the top of my list of people I need to kill here. You think you are quite the angel don't you, with your-"
"Can it, bitch!" Pit opened fire with another charged shot, but Alice dances around the blow and begins to run towards him. Pit's gun begins to fire tiny bullets instead, trying to slow down her approach. Many of them hit her body, but the habit hides any damage they might have done. The angel tries to spin around as it looks like Alice is about to go for a back assault, but the nun had intended to dupe him into believing that.
"You're no angel, Pit, so you won't be needing these!"
Turning around with a straight face, Pit began to open fire on Sister Alice. Alice dodged the first few blows, but Pit was slowly marching towards her, making the EZ Cannon's shots harder and harder to dodge. She was dodging so much that she didn't realize that Pit was backing her into a corner. Once she was there, she realized just how badly he had got her. Much of flesh was removed by the first barrage, and now Pit was charging a large shot in his cannon.
"All you ever do is feed off people's misery. I hope you enjoy feeling miserable yourself, because things are about to get a whole lot worse." Pit's cannon fired a massive blast at Alice, who tried to climb the wall only to find that her legs had all the muscle blasted off of them. She could no longer move them, and she fell back to the ground. She looked up at Pit, and realized she would not be able to keep on fiting. Instead of trying to whip out some final move, she instead flipped Pit the bird as the EZ Cannon's flash scorched the last bit of flesh off of her.
"Hey kid, stop gushing. You killed a withered old bat. Nothing special." Jaxx could hear Pit from pretty far away, and the Sentinel figured that since he could hear the angel, he might as well go and try to kill him.
Meanwhile, our good friend Contestant R still rode Hector through the arena. Surprisingly, no one had bothered him yet. He had no problem with that per se, but he seemed to want to get in on some action. The anonymous entrant began to tug Hector's nose, pointing him in the direction of Richard.
Waspinator was getting tired of reigning over the skies that nobody wanted. Diving down toward the battlefield, it decided to target the mysterious Contestant R. As it raced over towards the tiny scientist riding contestant though, it's wing systems began malfunctioning. Although it had been faking a malfunction earlier to trick Pit, prior to that it really had been malfunctioning. Waspinator came in for an unclean landing, and he landed quite off his mark. Instead of hitting the mystery contestant, Waspinator tumbled down the path Hector was traveling and hit Richard instead.
Richard had not expected Predacons to fall from the sky, so as soon as he found himself tangled up in a ball with one, he quickly fiddled for a badge. Grabbing the first one he could find, Richard leaped up and brought himself down on the clumsy robot. Waspinator's eyes closed as it entered sleep mode, for Richard had used his Sleep Stomp ability. The Predacon was no longer going to be a problem, but in the tumble many of his coins and badges has fallen loose.
As Richard picked up his valuables, Contestant R was getting nearer and nearer to his target. He was so ready to fite, even though it feels like something should be saying that Contestant R will in no way harm you. However, since no such disclaimer came up, Contestant R continued on his course. What he didn't expect was a Custard Kitten carrying ANOTHER Custard Kitten to run by. The squinty eye cat had finally retrieved the frozen one and was ready to show bent cat, but it could not find bent cat where it had left it. Squinty eyed cat set down the frozen one so it could search the area more quickly, and the frozen cat sat right in Hector's path.
Contestant R tried to urge his sleepy steed away from the obstacle, but there was not enough time. Hector tripped over the icy cat.
Richard fumbled for a badge and quickly place one on. None of the fiters made a mad dash for him, but the masked fiter seemed to be trying inch itself over by wiggling. Professor Hector walked up to Richard. "Hey kid, I'm Professor Hector. I'm uh... looking for an Orb of Mystery I believe."
Richard saw this as a perfect chance to get in a first strike. With his badge still equipped, he began to put on an act. "Oh my sir, you look positively sick! Please, come with me, I'll get you some proper treatment."
Hector looked flummoxed at this, "Well, I don't feel sick, but then again I am not a doctor. I am a professor. Two entirely different things, yes."
Richard went over to hug the Professor, "Don't worry sir, everything will be alright." As soon as he touched the professor though, things were the opposite of alright. The badge Richard equipped was the Zap Tap badge, and wearing it made its user shocking to the touch.
Hector breathes his last breath. Contestant R would pay his respects, but he's near a bandit who thinks anyone who looks silly is the worst threat to mankind, so Contestant R begins to dig through the pockets of the Professor, hoping to find the weapon he is still waiting for.
No.
No, don't go digging through his wallet R. Come on, you don't need his ID card. Okay, so maybe that money could be useful, and that giftcard for Denny's shouldn't just go to waste. I don't see why you need the pictures of his family though. Oh come on now! You do not need his comb! HE did not need his comb!
The anonymous fiter continues to dig through the other pockets, and eventually he finds... yet another pager! It looked different then the last one though, and he was quick to send a page. Unlike last time though, he quickly receives a page back! Whoever is on the other end of this pager is a much quicker fellow!
As the silly fiters dilly dally, the heavy hitters are congregating around the center. Erebus has gone after Major Failure, Gamera and Oceanus have gone after Devil Ed and Flamedog. Even Pit and Jaxx's battle seemed to be drawn towards the center. Doomrider was having fun running around the many battles and screwing things up however he could. Blocking an attack, messing up a shot, hurting a fiter while they are down or turning the tides in a skirmish. No one had the time to deal with him, but everyone was getting bothered by him.
One battle that was slowly on its way to the center was the one between Designate and Hanz. After Hanz and his living schnitzel failed to do anything but making the Oozing Flesh move about, he had decided to let the Flesh do whatever it wanted. The Flesh scooted off to find Designate 5 and Hanz decided that he should take out the necronaut before the flesh could do whatever it had planned with him.
Hanz's living hot dog was swung to hit the armor of Designate, but the sausage itself willed itself into the fire. The knock to Designate's skull did more damage than a tap to the armor would, but the schnitzel burned now with the blue flame. It shrank in mass and was difficult for Hanz to hold onto, but it became apparent that the blue fire surrounding it made the hot dog able to deal damage to even Designate's suit. In order to protect his body from being destroyed, Designate resorted to deflecting Hanz's strikes with his nuclear fuel rod.
It came down to a battle of who could withstand the other's weapon longer. The accordian-headed German continued to strike Hanz as much as he could, but the once plump dog he used to batter the necronaut was dwindling into a shrivel that wouldn't even qualify as a sausage link. Meanwhile the more damaged Designate's weapon became, the more damage it did to the Doktor.
The sausage link squealed a final squeal to Hanz. It tried to urge itself towards Designate, to sacrifice itself in the name of Han'z cause, but Hanz couldn't let it do it. The Doktor tossed the link out of harms way. The tiny thing yelped, it wanted to help Hanz, but because of their brief time together, even Doktor Hanz could learn to love the most insignificant of things...
He was now barehanded in battle against Designate, and he knew there was no hope. He dodged the rod a few time, trying to get the hang of it, but he was becoming woozy. He could not see straight. By the time he was able to grab onto his opponent's weapon, he was too weak to continue. He intended to break it, cause a nuclear reaction, but the radiation had ruined him. Designate was protected by his suit, but the German was not so lucky. Hanz fell down at his opponent's feet.
It crumbled. The tiny link was gone, just like its master. Maybe in heaven, you get to meet your sentient meat products...
But back on Earth, Richard was preparing to strike a sleeping Waspinator, the loud grumbles of a disgruntled audience member scoring what was about to be a cheap kill.
Bang could not believe how Richard was fiting in the Brawl. The guy only seemed to be picking on the weak and helpless fiters, running from the battles with the truly strong opponents and using his strongest abilities on those he probably could kill in much less violent ways. Now he was about to pick on that sleeping robot. He didn't care about the robot, but Waspinator reminded him of Blanko.
Blanko was clumsy and silly, but he had no idea his team was entering a brawl. He thought he was at a basketball game, even though the arena did not suggest so in anyway. They just didn't have the heart to tell Blanko he'd fite to the death. As Bang sat their thinking about this, his indifference to the fite gave way to rage.
Richard readied the S. Jump Charge, a super strong jump move that had a bit of a charge time, and that bit of charge time just so happened to be the amount of time it took Bang to make up his mind. The green Monstar climbed out of the stands and began to run towards Richard, a fresh new anger boiling in his heart. As Richard is about to land the KO shot on Waspinator, he finds his face hit by an illegal reentry!
Bang stood over Richard, the earlier intimidation tactics he tried to use on Alice now doing their job. Richard reached into his pocket and plopped on a badge. He tried to use it, but it did nothing. Richard had not been keeping track of his Flower Points, and now as an angry muscular alien gave him a death glare that could peel skin, he had no abilities at his disposal. He began to look through his bag for the badges that did not cost any Flower Points, but Bang stole the bag and poured them down his throat. He burped, as if to emphasize that now Richard would have to fite him with his own strength.
Richard is not a weak man without his badges, but he is no giant basketball player from space. Richard tries to leap up onto Bang, but the Monstar slams him back down with his fist. Richard prepared a strong punch, but as he leaped to try and uppercut the alien, Bang had grabbed him by both sides. Richard was unable to do anything as the Monstar balled the bandit detective up and began to dribble him.
"Now all I need is a basket..."
Bang looked around the arena. There sure were a lot of corpses laying around, but they wouldn't work. Bang's attention was drawn to Ravage, who was still wandering the arena looking for a purpose now that his rider had lost.
"Hey panther, open up your mouth!"
Ravage usually had his mouth open anyway, but he opened it wider to try and help this fiter out. Bang ran up to the Decepticon, dribbling Richard between his legs as he went. When he was close enough, he leaped up into the air and slam-dunked the bandit detective in the mouth of the robot.
Of course, he's still technically eliminated. Like Sine, and the Sheep, and however many other eliminated fiters we might still have walking around here.
As the two walked towards the center, very few fiters remained around the outside of the ring. Contestant R was there, waiting for whoever he had paged. Waspinator was there, still asleep from the Sleepy Stomp. The Custard Kittens were there, just trying to stay out of trouble.
Out in the city...
"Damnit Clippy, I hope we weren't disqualified because of all of this. Wait! What's that?"
"That's rubble Widow Maker. It is produced when-"
"I know what it is, but this must be our track backwards! Follow it Clippy! Follow it back to the arena!"
"You got it!"
The Newgrounds tank began to retrace its tracks, following its earlier path of blind destruction as is searched for the way back to the Big Bar Brawl.
Designate 5 had done nothing since he had killed Hanz. His fuel rod was cracking, and with his suit in such shabby shape from Hanz's attacks, the necronaut was not willing to take many risks. He saw the Monstar and Decepticon coming towards the middle and knew there was bound to be trouble there soon. Designate decided to set off and see if he could pick off some of the stragglers who hadn't made it to the middle. He could swear he saw Waspinator out there doing nothing. That would be his target.
As Designate made his walk, Contestant R watched him intently. From where he was sitting (pretty much right next to Waspinator) it looked like the necronaut had come to kill him. Contestant R pressed the pager button over and over, despite having already received the confirmation that he had been heard. He had no way to fite Designate, and he was afraid he'd die before his assistance got here.
Designate did indeed make it there before Contestant R had received any sort of aide. Designate realized Waspinator was asleep and began to try rousing him, but by the time the time the mystery contestant had realized Designate wasn't here to fite him, he was already banging his arms against the legs of the skeleton. Although in most cases such a pitiful assault would be fruitless, Designate's bone structure was weakened by his confrontation with Hanz. Just a few taps move a vital foot bone out of place, and Designate's lower leg came undone.
The necronaut fell to his knees. He hadn't come to kill Contestant R, but he now had a pretty good reason to want to. Swiveling around on his knees, Designate began to swat at Contestant R with the rod. The rod began to crack more and more. It was getting dangerously close to reacting...
That didn't stop Designate though. He brought his rod down one more time, swinging it as hard as he could towards the mysterious fiter.
Well, the place might still blow. Designate's fuel rod was glowing too brightly for his tastes now. He lifted it up to inspect it, seeing if it was ready to blow. Looking it over, the nuclear fuel rod should have blown already, but after all the abuse, it still somehow managed to keep itself in one piece.
As Contestant R watched Designate inspect what seemed to be a defective weapon, he felt a wave of relief wash over him. He was worried that he was about to meet his end, but even after he got in such a good blow, the tiny fiter was still alive. Suddenly though, someone pulled him away from where Designate was. Contestant R could not see what was going on for a while, but then he was tossed down on the arena floor. After the kidnapper help right the anonymous fiter, it became clear who it was.
The person who was sent to answer the second pager call had arrived.
"Hey, I got your page. Is Hector anywhere around here?"
Contestant R motioned over to where Hector's corpse still lay. "That's a shame. Was he at least able to fix your orb?"
Contestant R did not know how to respond. It tried to communicate through charades that the pager was in the orb and that's how this chain of events began. Eventually, Vector seemed to get the gist of what happened.
"So you broke open the Orb of Mystery, ey? You know that pager wasn't what you were supposed to do it with it. That pager was in there in case the orb was broken by an opponent and you needed Hector to fix it for you. That orb had the power to shoot lightning and manipulate gravity! It's part of Sintendo's new line of Orbs. Hopefully they catch on...
But yeah, you were supposed to press the dot on the question mark like a button. That's what activates it."
Contestant R's body seemed unable to convey the sheer anger he felt right now. He could have had an amazing weapon, but his whole mystery gimmick led to him being stuck with a string of professor assistants who do jack shit. But Professor Vector was not done.
"I was on Hector's pager in case something went wrong when he repaired your orb, like malfunctions or if he died, which seems to be the case. I am not here to repair or fite or anything. I'm here to bring you some new weapons. I was told to bring Stack-Up blocks, but I have no fucking clue what those could be used for so I'll just hang on to those. However, I was also asked to bring some Gyromites. Spin them fast enough and their edges can cut open flesh."
Vector placed the gyromite tops near Contestant R. Who knows why he was given these odd Sintendo weapons despite having no affiliation with them, but he was glad to accept them. As he began to spin the top, it seemed as if he was born to spin those tops. He looked around, but the only people near him were Vector, who was now leaning against a wall and smoking, Designate 5, who was still inspecting his fuel rod to figure out why it was behaving so oddly, Waspinator, who was snoozing, and the Custard Kittens, who he didn't even bother assessing.
Contestant R decided to try and knock Designate's skull off. He shot the top up at the necronaut's face, but the skeleton lifted his fuel rod up once more for another inspection.
The top hit into the fuel rod. The last little bit of damage it needed to blow had been added.
The fuel rod erupts. Designate is too close to the explosion and is decimated immediately.
"Hello? Hello! Yes, this is Jumpropeman here. So that nuclear blast sure was something huh? But nobody worry, I am perfectly alright! Nukes have nothing on ghosts like me!
Oh, and it seems Tut-Tut is fine too. He was just cowering behind me the whole time."
"I'm so sorry sir..."
"I guess you want to know how everyone else is doing though. Hm... well it seems our band is nowhere to be found. It's alright though, they were slacking anyway. I hope this boombox with googley eyes stuck to it will serve as a superior substitute."
I guess the all-important question you really want me to answer is the one about our fiters. Well it seems out of everyone who got caught up in the blast, I can only currently confirm two kills. Designate 5 was blown to pieces by the blast of course. Can't survive being that close, even with all the necrotechnobabble in the world. Another body we cannot account for right now is Bang, but nobody is really looking for him anyway. If he's dead, then good riddance.
That's what you get for breaking arena rules, mister!
Okay, while I cannot make out quite who is still in our arena, since there seem to be more bodies in there than there are remaining fiters, I can tell you that the remaining fiters seem to be on one side of the giant crater or the other. It almost looks like an even split, but lord knows I ain't counting.
That crater, on the other hand, is making me worry. There is something in the middle of it, and it is glowing like a discotheque on LSD..."
Indeed, there was quite a psychedelic lump in the center of the crater. The Oozing Flesh had been pursuing Designate earlier because it sensed the potential of the fuel rod, and now the Flesh was pulsing with an eerie glow. It had absorbed the bulk of the blast's radiation, inadvertently protecting the other fiters from fatal doses as it used the rads for its own personal gain.
The Oozing Flesh began to mutate, growing in size. What was once a large empty crater begin to fill with a slurry of irradiated offal. Even after that crater was completely full, the flesh continued to grow, forming a mountain of corpse meat in the arena.
It was around this time that Clippy and Widow Maker had finally made their way back to the arena. Unable to find their previous exit, they decided to make yet another hole in the wall as a way to announce their grand reentry.
"Great, another godbeast. I swear to Elohim we better keep this shit from happening next year. Maybe a screening process or something..." Widow Maker hopped off of Clippy's tank. "Well, shit seems to have gone down here. Everyone's on the floor! Clippy, you go to the other side of Meat Mountain and see if anyone is alive over there. We've got a huge problem and we'll need all the help we can get."
Clippy gave Widow Maker a salute and began to drive off, but the paper clip brought the tank to a halt when it saw what the mountain was doing. Sheep made of cancerous tissues began to pop out of the side of the mound, and the sheep quickly scurried to claim the corpses of the fallen. Some of them climbed into the stands to retrieve the corpses of the unimportant, while others scoured the arena, dragging Bang's corpse to add to the power of the Oozing Flesh.
Clippy began to open fire on the flesh sheep with his tank, hoping to stop or at least delay their flesh collection ritual. Widow Maker was walking around the bodies of her fellow fiters, trying to rouse them from unconsciousness. One fiter she found was perfectly fine, but I wouldn't call him conscious. Doomrider had consumed a lot of the blast's strength. The combination of his hedonistic consumption and the Oozing Flesh's gluttonous absorption had turned a nuclear blast into nothing more than a particularly strong shock wave.
Widow Maker tried to get Doomrider to help her fite, but the servant of Slaanesh was not really comprehending her at the moment. What he did notice was Ravage fending off a group of flesh sheep. Ravage had lost yet another companion after Bang's death, and he had tried his best to protect the corpse, only to see it consumed by Flesh Mountain. Doomrider thought Ravage was kickass, and with a nuclear blast still coursing through his system, he went to help the Tripredacus Agent in his struggle to kill some sheep.
As Widow Maker went about to try and wake some other fiters, she fired her bolter to fend off as many of the sheep as she could. They seemed to have collected all the corpses and were moving on to approaching the unconscious fiters. Although Widow Maker and Clippy did their best to fend off the scavengers, a group of flesh sheep came across an interesting find. Amidst the rubble of a broken balcony were the bodies of Mac Tonight and the Midnight Snacks. The band had been knocked down by the force of the blast, but they weren't quite dead. Each one barely clung to life, but that shred of life was not enough to let them fite back as the flesh sheep began to envelope them with their own bodies.
Mac Tonight, Yummy Mummy, Birdie the Early Bird, and the Kool-Aid Man all begin to turn a sickly red as the flesh sheep merged their bodies with the nearly dead band members. Once the fusion was complete, the group stood up. Still clutching what they had of their instruments, the possessed band began to shamble over to the other unconscious fiters, hoping to add more to their legion.
Contestant R is still a mystery to us, but we do know where his weapons come from.The gyromites are from Sintendo, and it has long been rumored that the company had access to a secret element known as Sintendium that made their products near indestructible. Perhaps Contestant R had learned to tap into this legendary element, or perhaps his will to live is just more powerful that a nuclear blast. Either way, he was still dangling from a light, and he seemed to be having a lot of trouble . On one hand, his head was spazzing about, the bright spotlight must have been too bright for him to handle, because he kept looking at the one next to it, only to turn to look at another. It seemed no matter where he looked, there was always a bright light shining at him. Also, he had odd blocky hands, and it was difficult to hold on to stuff with them.
The mysterious entrant was about to slip when he noticed Waspinator. The Predacon with a reputation for being blown to pieces seemed pretty alright after such a catastrophic explosion. Perhaps after all these years, he had gathered some sort of explosion karma, and since he had paid his dues with smaller ones, he was spared from this enormous one. Or he got lucky. Needless to say, the explosion had put an end to his sleep from earlier. The Predacon was going into wasp form so he could fly down to the arena and investigate what had happened to the others. Contestant R tried to plan his fall just right...
And he did. Contestant R fell right down on top of Waspinator's abdomen, but the bug's stripey rear quickly snapped from the tiniest bit of pressure. The abdomen came loose and fell down the ground below. R's fall to the ground was not graceful, but it did not hurt the contestant at all. Waspinator began to buzz angrily and he followed the anonymous fiter down to the ground. His shift back into his humanoid form was jerky without a butt to balance it, but Waspinator was still able to assume the form properly. Waspinator pulled out his rusty RPG pistol and was ready to attack Contestant R when he saw the blood red body of Mac Tonight approaching.
As Waspinator was distracted by the moon-headed musician, Constestant R was able to shift his body so he fell to his side. He then pushed at the ground with his arms, sending him into a roll to get as far away from the angered Predacon as possible.
As he rolled off though, the mysterious contestant bumped into one of the many fiters who was still knocked out. The bump was enough to rouse Pit, and the angel stood up to try and figure out what had just happened. Before he even sees the massive flesh pile or any of the other weirdness going on in the arena, he sees the 24 cm. tall fiter who had bumped into him.
"Well look who it is! I am going to enjoy this way more than you could ever imagine!" The wingless angel readied his EZ Cannon and began to charge a shot aimed directly for the contestant's masked face.
Back with Waspinator, Mac Tonight seemed to be as good at combat as he ever was. That is, he was not able to do much against his metal opponent. Mac Tonight had started their confrontation by throwing his sheet music in Waspinator's face, but no matter how awesome Scotland the Brave and the theme to Space Jam are, the sheet music for them can do little to help you in a fite. Waspinator was a bit frazzled by the papers, but a quick beat of his wings sent the sheets scattering in the wind. The evil Mac ran towards Waspinator now, but the Predacon was able to deck Mac on his moon head with little effort. The Flesh could not have picked a worse vessel to pit against Waspinator.
The Predacon used Mac Tonight's crescent shaped head as punching bag, and the possessed singer could do nothing to retaliate. After adding a huge uppercut to finish the assault, Waspinator pulled out his gun once more and aimed it right at Mac Tonight. The RPG slammed into Mac's neck, severing the former mystery fiter's head and ruining the first vessel of the Oozing Flesh.
Meanwhile, the other McDonald's mascot from the band was seeking another vessel for the Flesh. Birdie the Early Bird was not too far away from where Waspinator had fought Mac Tonight, but the Flesh possessed bird had no time for foolish ideas like vengeance. She had found a host far superior to the musician for the Flesh to control. Laying on his back, Gamera groaned and moaned to a sympathetic Oceanus. The robot master was unable to find out what was wrong with the kaiju. He was resistant to the fire of the explosion, the radiation of it, and the shock wave shouldn't have really harmed such a massive creature. Oceanus was perfectly fine after the blast, and he didn't care to ask why.
Birdie knew if Gamera was close to death that the Flesh could incorporate him, but the robot trying to keep him alive was going to be a problem. Birdie could possibly get the drop on him though. Taking to the air, she readied her bass guitar for use as a bludgeon. Oceanus was to occupied with Gamera to notice her approach, so the bird was able to smack her bass over the robot's head with ease.
The only problem is that it's still just a guitar smashing over a robot's head. It had no dizzying or dazing effect. All it really did was destroy the bird's weapon and alert Oceanus to her presence. He readied his arm mounted tridents and launched both at the bird's wings. Her skewered wings were quickly pulled in by the trident with a tow cable. She had not only lost her weapon, but also her aerial advantage.
Once she was completely reeled in, the green robot headbutted the bird to try and free her from his weapon, but she tugged them down with her. The tridents were stuck in her good, and it seemed that whatever essence the Oozing Flesh had contributed to her was actually aiding in her fite abilities. The tridents were trapped, and Oceanus was forced to free himself from his own weapon to prevent being hooked to a sickly red bird for the rest of the match.
Even without those weapons, Oceanus was still well armed. His cannon arm was still full of Bubble Lead, and he had four remaining fingers of doom. Birdie tried to tackle Oceanus, but the robot quickly popped open one of his fingers. The steam not only cooked the bird's face a bit, but it also propelled her backwards. Birdie was quickly back on her feet though, and she had one ugly face now. Burnt bird face with a dash of necrotic flesh possessing it: not a good recipe.
Oceanus had missed his earlier punches, but this pitiful creature would be impossible to miss. Especially if she was frozen solid. Another one of his fingers popped open, this one spraying liquid nitrogen all over the Early Bird. After he closed up his finger, he readied his fist and dashed towards Birdie to try and land his first facepunch of the match.
But Oceanus should recall that his feet are terrible for running. The flipper feet are quick to stumble once the robot has picked up too much speed, and the robot master tripped into the frozen bird instead of executing a punch to the face.
Meanwhile, Pit's battle with Contestant R was going much different than he expected. His first charge shot had been aimed directly at his tiny opponent, but the anonymous entrant had shot out a Gyromite top right as the charge shot had been fired. The two cancelled each other out, and the Contestant was able to reuse the intact (albeit scorched) top to deflect the next few charge shots. After a while though, Contestant R began to launch the tops as an offensive maneuver as well. Even though he was fiting a stationary opponent, Pit had to run around the fiter to avoid his attacks with the tops.
The angel really wished right about now that his opponents from earlier weren't so focused on keeping him grounded. Even if he just had his wings, he could flutter briefly above Contestant R and stay out of range of the fiter's attack. There only seemed to be a small angle of movement the anonymous entrant could work with, and it definitely did not include right above himself. If only Pit could get on top of his tiny foe...
Many Flesh Sheep were running past the two in their quest to find hosts, and they ignored the two fiters who were too full of life to properly possess. Pit's spunky attitude and youthful vitriol made him undesirable, and Contestant R was obviously teeming with organic strength and resolve. Even if they had chosen to ignore these two fiters, Pit had not ignored their presence. He began to leap on top of the sheep, jumping from one to the other as he tried to make his way over to his opponent. Contestant R continued to fire his tops, but the angle Pit was at was too high, so Contestant R was only able to shred the fleshy stepping stones of the wingless angel.
Pit's plan seemed to be working so far, but Contestant R had quickly come up with one of his own. He anticipated the next sheep Pit would try to jump to, and slayed the creature as Pit was midjump. Pit tumbled to the ground and was face to face with the mask of R. The masked fiter revved up another top and was ready to grind Pit's face with it, but Pit had pulled his cannon around to try and fire off a few small bullets to stop the top. Instead of stopping the top though, the bullets went wide and knocked the Contestant over, but not before he had launched his weapon. The Cannon was suddenly clogged with a top, and Pit had to yank it off of his arm before it could misfire.
Even though he was now weaponless, Pit still had a huge size advantage. He walked up to the now prone Contestant and was prepared to stomp on the fiter when he realized there was another top revving in those blocky hands. Before Pit could back away, the top shot up into the angel's stomach and shredded him up.
Meanwhile though, many of the conscious fiters were focused on the Oozing Flesh. The army of Flesh sheep realized that there were most likely no other bodies they could possess, so they had decided to return to the bosom of Flesh Mountain. With no more agents of its will available, the Oozing Flesh decided to finally get its revenge. It hadn't forgotten you, Devil Ed...
Even though the legion of sheep had retreated back into the mound, there were still two agents of the Flesh stalking about in the arena. One such agent was the Kool-Aid Man, who was giving Widow Maker a surprising amount of trouble. She had already used way more ammo than she should have on the army of sheep, and she was not going to waste anymore on someone who was technically not even a fiter.
Kool-Aid Man was wielding his drumsticks with style, and whenever Widow Maker tried to close in to try and break his glass body, she was greeted by a drumroll on her face. It figured a man who burst through walls all the time might have quite a bit of strength. Widow Maker looked around, hoping to find something that she could use to fite a pitcher of fruit-flavored drink with. Clippy had shifted his fire towards the giant Oozing Flesh, but the trial discs seemed to be making little progress. Doomrider and Ravage seemed to be discussing something, and they were too far away to call for help. The only other fiters she could see nearby were Jaxx (who would probably kill her), Vector (who was just Contestant R's assistant and probably not willing to help a different fiter), and Flamedog (who was scampering away as soon as Widow Maker saw him). There was also...
No, she couldn't possibly get any help from the squinty eyed Custard Kitten. It was close, and it was better than wasting bolter ammo, so she decided to give it a shot. Widow Maker began to lead Kool-Aid Man away from where they were fiting so she could get closer to the cat, who was just coming to. The squinty eyed cat rubbed its squinty eyes as it tried to make sense of what was going on in the arena around it right now. But before it could properly get caught up to speed with things, Widow Maker scooped the kitty up and began to talk to it.
"Alright little kitty, I don't know if you have a name, but I need you to help me out. I'm gonna toss you into that pitcher of red drink over there, and I need you to keep him busy by swimming about in there. Got it?" Before the kitten could respond, the mantis has chucked it into the Kool-Aid Man's body. The pitcher began to freak out, trying to reach up to his head to pull the cat out, but his arms were too short. Meanwhile, the kitten bobbed in the Kool-Aid, its custard body absorbing the liquid and discoloring the kitten to be a bright red. Even though it was not swimming, the cat was keeping the Kool-Aid Man busy, and that's all Widow Maker needed.
She figured she could spare exactly one bullet on the Kool-Aid Man, so she fired one at the distracted pitcher. Oddly enough though, the normally explosive rounds got lodged into Kool-Aid Man's glass body without detonating. The Oozing Flesh had many tricks like these to keep its agents from being shot to bits. Widow Maker realized her gun would be no good against an opponent who would just absorb the bullets anyway. Widow Maker activated her cloaking and began to sneak around the living glass.
However, the squinty eyed cat in the Kool-Aid also realized something.
The bullet was lodged in the glass, meaning the kitten might be able to detonate it if it swam down to it. A cat made of custard had multiple reasons to hate entering a liquid of any kind, but this kitten fought through the instinctual urges to freak out and try to leap out of the water. Its body wasn't made for swimming, but it successfully pushed through the red liquid and found where the bullet had become stuck. One tiny kitten punch was all it took.
The Custard Kitten was forced back as the bullet exploded, but the glass was still only cracked. Kool-Aid Man clutched at his belly, but when he realized he was not hurt too badly, he laughed. It was at this point Widow Maker appeared right in front of him. The Kool-Aid Man stopped laughing abruptly, only to find that the bug had rapped a single claw against the crack in the glass. This final tap pushed the glass to the point of breaking. A huge chunk came out of Kool-Aid Man's front, and the Kool-Aid in his body spilled out.
When we saw Flamedog earlier, he was scampering off to who knows where. Well, it turns out that Devil Ed had ended up on the other side of what was once a crater. As Flamedog worked his way around the giant mountain that now filled the crater, he encountered the last of the Oozing Flesh's agents. Yummy Mummy held up his hand to try and stop Flamedog from going to join Ed. The Oozing Flesh was preparing to attack Devil Ed, and it did not want Flamedog to accidentally get caught up in the attack.
Of course, such advanced things were lost on the tiny dog. Loyalty was guiding him back to his master, and he could care less about what some mummy was trying to do in stopping him. Flamedog had first tried to go around the mummy, but Yummy Mummy just kept walking back into the way. Flamedog then tried to go through Yummy Mummy, and that is when he was forced to use his wrappings to tie up the dog. Yummy Mummy left the tied up dog and was prepared to walk away when he heard Flamedog barking after him.
Yummy Mummy's wrappings were absolutely delicious, and as soon as Flamedog was wrapped up in them, the dog had found that out himself. Now, with the taste of fruity goodness in his mouth, the dog craved more delicious mummy wrappings. Flamedog ran up to the cereal mascot and began to bite his leg. The mummy began to bat the dog's head with his microphone, and this overt act of violence was enough to make Flamedog resort to his fire breath.
Yummy Mummy began to run around as he burned like a biblical bush. The mummy could not put out the flames, and Flamedog was on him before he could try any advanced fire fiting methods. Flamedog began to consume the burning mummy, enjoying the very unique taste of cooked fruit roll-ups.
As he did his best to dodge the offal bombing, Ed tried to cook up a plan. His eyes were doing damage, but the flaw in using them was the limitation it had in that it drew off of his lifeforce. Perhaps if he were to just use one large blast to take out the mound he'd be able to defeat the monstrosity and still preserve enough of his energy to continue fiting. Ed tried to consider his best angle of attack, but as he did so he failed to notice that the fleshy meteorites were congregating behind him.
When the flesh bombs started to roll back to the crater, Ed was right in their way. Ed did not have enough room to run away from the giant balls of meat and he was pushed closer and closer to the giant pile of guts. Before he could be pressed into it though, he managed to blow up the balls of organs that were shoving him towards the pile. At first he was going to run off and try to pick off the mountain from afar, but a lightbulb in his head went off telling him the best place for him to attack would be from the top of Flesh Mountain.
Ed began to crawl up the mushy mound, and found it to be a lot easier than he thought it would be. The mountain tried to shoot things out at him, but it appeared to have no defenses other than that. It did begin to try and change shape though. The sides of the mountain begin to pull up into the air to try and form an arch it could slam down on Ed, but a few blasts from the laser eyes removed the arch and got rid of a good chunk of the Oozing Flesh's available necrotic makeup. When Ed finally reached the top, he stood on the face of the original sheep. Kali's knife was still sticking out of it. The knife swung at Ed, and it began to hack away at his legs. The flesh around him was growing up as well, trying to suck in the half-demon so it could devour him.
But Ed wasn't going to allow it. Even as his legs were torn to pieces, he prepared the biggest blast from his laser eyes he could muster. He aimed down at the sheep face and let loose with all his might. The pink beams scorched the flesh and disintegrated it, freeing what remained of Ed and destroying everything that had been dragged into the meat pile. Ed's beams began to get weaker and weaker as Ed himself got weaker, but the blast had done it. Where once there had been a mountain of meat now there was a tiny puddle. What was once the sheep let out one last defiant bleat before Ed silenced it with another shot from his eyes.
Now that the giant flesh pile was kaput, let's get back to conflict between our remaining fiters. While there were still a few fiters like Major Failure and Erebus who hadn't fully recovered from the explosion yet, the two fiters who had been stuck in the lighting were now about to go toe to toe even if neither of them had any toes...
Waspinator was ready to avenge his fallen abdomen, and Contestant R could do nothing to stop the Predacon. He was out of weapons, and as Waspinator readied his rusty RPG pistol to shoot Contestant R, all the tiny anonymous entrant could do was try to shift himself onto his side again.
It just so happened that today was the day that it was not properly able to launch the RPG. However, the RPG did go off, just not at its intended target.
The broken pistol exploded right there in Waspinator's hand.
Contestant R got deja vu as he looked down at the ground from much too high a height. The antenna he had grabbed onto was not enough to support his weight, and he began to slip off. But before he could, Waspinator's remaining arm seized the anonymous entrant by the head and pulled him away. Contestant R tried to take the antenna with him, but not only would it have been pointless, but his blocky hands had no way to securely grasp much of anything. Waspinator continued flying higher and higher as Contestant R tried to squirm out of his opponent's grasp.
Waspinator held out his arm and let go of Contestant R...
Only to have the tiny competitor seize onto a few of Waspinator's longer fingers. Waspinator began to shake his arm around, trying to free his hand from the grip of the anonymous entrant. R was beginning to slip off from the force of the shaking, but luckily Waspinator had pulled him back up to try and dispose of him a different way. Instead of just straight up dropping him, Waspinator headbutted the anonymous entrant.
The strength of the two heads hitting was enough to send them both falling, so even if Contestant R had somehow found a way to seize onto Waspinator now, it would not matter much. Unlike Contestant R though, Waspinator was able to recover from his free-fall, his wings carrying him more easily than ever without so much weight to lug around. Contestant R fell for hours! Or at least it seemed like hours. His whole life probably flashed before his eyes, and the lights in it were very distracting. The ups, the downs, the limited angular movements, Contestant R had enough time to reminisce on days gone by as he fell.
But the ground was an inevitability. Falling right in the center of the crater, Contestant R broke into a bunch of tiny little pieces.
"Now it'zzz time to find out who you really are!"
Waspinator ripped the domino mask from Contestant R's face.
"IT'ZZZZ...
IT'ZZZZZ....."
It take a minute or two for Waspinator to piece together who it was. But once it finally clicked in his head, he held the head up in the air and screamed...
That explains everything.
Except why it had entered under the guise of a dashing young anonymous entrant. Perhaps the fame had gotten to him, or he figured it was his only protection. Whatever it was, Waspinator had solved the mystery, and the result was something we could have never seen coming.
As Waspinator internalizes the fact that he had just defeated last year's Big Bar Brawl champion, the fiters in the rest of the arena were preparing for the last few battles of the match. One such fiter was Devil Ed, who despite his current state, was ready to fite until he could fite no more. Flamedog did his best to bring his master closer to two rather vulnerable looking targets: the belly-aching Gamera and his distracted ally Oceanus.
"Get up Gamera! And stop whining, we are gonna get killed if you don't try to fite through the pain!" Oceanus was getting fed up with his ally, and if he didn't shape up soon, Oceanus might just KO him himself. Gamera sighed and tried his best to pull himself to his feet, but the sharp pains he felt continued to bother him. As he began to stumble away towards the crater, Oceanus finally found out the cause of the turtle's troubles.
Lodged in the kaiju's shell was the frozen Custard Kitten. Oceanus brought this to the attention of the grumpy turtle, who quickly reached back and tried to pry the kitten loose. It was stuck in there good, but after a bit of jostling the kitten finally popped out. Like a lion with the thorn removed from its paw, Gamera felt much better almost immediately (and I guess he was indebted to a mouse somewhere too). Gamera pulled the tiny cat that had caused him so much pain forward to take a look at it.
The frozen kitten was in terrible shape. It had been the whipping boy of every other fiter in this match, and it looked like it too. Blood was splattered on it, hair was stuck in it, it was covered in dirt and detritus. This cat had seen so much since it had been bucked from Rainbow Dash's back, and it had long since stopped being happy to be here in the arena.
The two laughed, realizing the beams were nothing to be afraid of. The two approached the legless half-demon, but Flamedog hopped out in front of him, protecting his master as best he could. Oceanus got hit by a strong blast of flames, sending the robot master down to the ground. His chassis was super-heated by the intensity of the fire, and his body was too malleable at the moment to allow his parts to function together. Gamera saw his opponent laying on the ground and mistook it for an impromptu sun-tan session.
"And you got after me for laying down on the job!" Gamera walked up to Flamedog, who belched fire at the kaiju. Since these flames were not mystical in nature, all it did was warm up Gamera a bit. Lifting the dog up by the tail, Gamera let the dog belch fire on some of the colder spots of his body. The dog did not realize he was being used as a heater, he was just doing the best he could with a bad situation.
As Gamera kept the dog busy, Oceanus tried to pull himself up. His body was still a bit off from the super-heated blast, but he could walk towards a stationary opponent like Devil Ed with relative ease. Ed's eyes were glowing pink, and for once it seemed Oceanus had a tactical reason to clock his opponent in the face. If he could shatter those laser eyes, he would be disarm Devil Ed and make his victory against him almost assured. Rather than going for his normal straight punch, Oceanus decided an uppercut might change his luck in the "punch someone in the face" department.
But there was a reason Ed's eyes were glowing, and that's because he was charging his laser. His earlier shots failed to do any damage, but this charged blast had enough knockback to put an end to another one of Oceanus's failed punch attempts.
Gamera had finished with Flamedog's heater service, and he chucked the dog far off into the arena. It was at this point that the kaiju saw how poorly his robot friend was faring against half of a man. Gamera decided he was going to put an end to the pitiful display and began to run towards the fite. Devil Ed could easily see the turtle approaching, but there was not much he could do with what was left of his strength. Gamera leaped up into the air and curled up into a ball.
"CANNONBALL!!"
Gamera came sailing down towards Ed, who now directed all of his might into a laser shot meant to blast the kaiju off target. Although the blast was strong, the beam only managed to suspend the turtle in the air for a few seconds before he came crashing down. Devil Ed had used up all of his strength to try and prevent the turtle's dive, and when the shell of the beast came crushing down on him, surviving any longer was beyond impossible for the worn out young man.
Major Failure was the last to come to on his side of the crater. The fiters on his side were quickly killing each other off, and now Oceanus, Erebus, Major Failure and Gamera were the last living fiters on their side. The other side of the crater still had many fiters recovering from the blast, and Flamedog had recently been tossed over there by a rather warm turtle. The Major pulled up his bag of hammers and began to walk around the arena. He had seen Waspinator in the center of the crater, but he didn't bother with the bot who looked like he had already lost.
Major Failure was looking for a worthy opponent, and Erebus seemed to fit the ticket. Erebus would have been a good choice, but the Chaos Marine was busy sneaking up on Gamera and Oceanus. Major Failure decided he could wait out the confrontation between the three and take on the one who emerged victorious. They were all powerful fiters, and all would probably die if a hammer hit them hard enough.
Oceanus and Gamera had no idea they were being watched as they talked. Oceanus was trying to pick a next target for the group to pursue, but something had been bugging Gamera.
"I notice you keep trying to punch people and you always fail! I think I can help you with that!" Oceanus was overjoyed to hear this from his ally. Their fastball special did not work out so well earlier, but maybe Gamera's new idea would work much better.
Gamera stood behind Oceanus and seized the robot's arms. Before he could even realize what had just happened, Oceanus found his arms being yanked out of their sockets.
Oceanus was too shocked to respond. He began to walk off, his ally may have had good intentions, but to Oceanus it felt like a major betrayal. The robot seemed to be completely helpless now, and he needed a spot where he could hide and hopefully come up with some way for him to hurt the others. Oceanus sat down on the slope of the crater and hunched over in thought. Gamera was busy shadowboxing with his former ally's arms. He had no idea he had just lost his pal.
Erebus was happy to see this development. Unless Gamera had some way to operate the weapons in Oceanus's hands, the turtle had just gotten rid of those annoying ranged attacks that had plagued Erebus all match. The chaos marine was able to get behind Gamera without being noticed, and he electrified his talons. Leaping up onto the turtle's back, Erebus began to scale the huge turtle using his claws to support his weight. The electricity gave Gamera a start, and just as soon as he had acquired them, he dropped the robot's arms.
He began to slap at his back, trying to dislodge the marine. Erebus was able to avoid them at first, but his need to maintain a hold as he got higher up the back became his downfall. As the space marine had both of his claws in the turtle's hard shell, a smack from Gamera pushed the talons in too deep. Although it pained Gamera greatly, it also made Erebus unable to move any higher. All he could do was continue to send an electric pulse throughout the turtle's body, and even that was starting to only annoy the turtle.
Reaching back, Gamera located where Erebus had gotten stuck and pressed two fingers together around the Astartes's head. The helm was able to hold off the initial pressure, but as Gamera pressed harder and harder, the helm began to crush Erebus's face in. Erebus had to slip his helm off or risk having his head crush. Gamera popped the helmet off as Erebus wiggled his head free. Gamera pulled it forward to look at it, and he was disappointed to find that there was no head within the crush helm. He tossed it aside and leaped up into the air.
Gamera replicated his body slam from earlier, but this time he did so to crush Erebus. The armor of the marine cracked even more from this, but it also managed to snap his talons off. Now free from the kaiju's back, Erebus rolled away before Gamera could body slam him again. Erebus grabbed one of Oceanus's discard arms and ran towards the kaiju, hoping it would still be able to fire. It did! Bubble Lead came pouring out of the cannon, but Gamera hopped up into the air and dodged it all completely. Before Erebus could move out of the way, the mouth of the giant turtle came slamming down on top of him. Scooping up a bit of the arena with his meal, Gamera swallowed the space marine.
Erebus plopped down into the kaiju's stomach. He had no weapon to do internal damage with anymore, but he tried to punch the stomach's lining in an attempt to harm Gamera. The stomach seemed too strong for a few punches to bother it though. Erebus's boots began to dissolve in the stomach acid, and the space marine desperately tried to find some way to free himself from the turtle's insides. He could go out the rear, but by the time he came out he might not be quite the marine he once was...
Something caught Erebus's attention though. Lodged in the lining of the stomach was an all too familiar face. The frozen Custard Kitten's sharp and dirty edges had cut into the turtles side, sparing the cat from death. Erebus reached up to dislodge the kitten.
Gamera began to cough and wheeze as he tried to dislodge the cat from his throat. As Gamera choked, his insides shook all around. Erebus clung onto the cat as hard as he could, trying to avoid being tossed down into the stomach acid by the turtle's death throes. Soon, all went silent, and the throat no longer tried to breath.
It was shattered to pieces. Finally, it had died. Erebus crawled out of Gamera's mouth only to see what the turtle had been doing since he had swallowed Erebus. Major Failure had decided to take the turtle on after his original target had been swallowed. But now that Erebus had found his way out of the innards of the beast, the Major was ready to take the marine on.
Even a well prepared man with a hippo head like Major Failure could only pack so many claw hammers into one dingy sack. He would need to be a whole lot more conservative in his use of hammers now that it was nearing the end. Nine fiters remained, and if he wasn't careful, he'd end up having to face the others with just a fist and his natural strength.
Erebus was similarly low on available options. His armor had been cracked and dissolved to the point that it could easily fall of at the slightest impact. He had no weapons on him, so he was already forced down to his fists and natural strength. Luckily for him, he was incredibly strong and fast.
Erebus closed the gap between him and Major Failure quickly. The dictator had one of his hammers in his hand, trying to keep Erebus at bay with the threat of an explosive welcome. The Major swung forward, but Erebus slid under the Major and took the legs out from underneath him. Before Major could pull himself up, Erebus performed an elbow drop directly on the dictator's back.
The Major was pinned to the ground by a relentless assault to his back. After the elbow drop, Erebus began to stomp on his opponent's back. Major's bag of hammers had fallen underneath his body, and now the Major had to try his best to prevent his own body from activating the pressure sensitive explosives. After a few minutes of assaulting the Major's back, Erebus grabbed the back of the hippo head and began to slam it into the dirt. But putting his arm so close to the Major was a big mistake. The Major took the hammer he was clasping and tossed it up toward Erebus. The hammer hit Erebus right on the elbow, blasting him backwards and severing the arm.
The knockback of the blast hit Major's back hard, and some of his uniform was burned away from the blast. Heavy burns only added to the misery his back was going through right now, but he fought through it to stand back up. He had to hunch his back to keep it from hurting him even more, but besides the odd standing position, he seemed ready to fite Erebus. Pulling out a new hammer, Major charged towards the marine who had just lost an arm. The one armed combatants slammed their arms together. Major had tried to remove the other arm with another blast, but Erebus had slapped that arm away and punched the Major's nose.
The Major tried to snap his mouth forward like he had against IronicHide, but Erebus hopped backwards to try and dodge it. He was successful, but the chaos marine began to tumble. They had reached the edge of the crater, and now the injured marine was tumbling down the slope of it. The Major looked down at his foe, but decided against trying to pursue the falling marine. His own balance was sketchy with the bad back and all, and he didn't want to aggravate his wounds any further by going down an uneven slope.
Instead, Major Failure reared his arm back. Erebus stumbled to a stop near the remains of ROB. Erebus is briefly distracted by the robot's corpse around him, and that small moment was all the Major needed. He hurled the hammer through the air. If Erebus had moved at all he might have been able to avoid it, but Erebus was suffering too much from the fall to get out of the way, even as he saw the hammer heading right for him.
Meanwhile in the crater of broken robots, Oceanus and Waspinator had just witnessed Erebus's death. Oceanus scurried over to confirm the kill. He would normally feel pretty bad to see the marine dead, but since the Astartes had killed his robot shark earlier, Oceanus was happy to see the corpse of Erebus. Waspinator buzzed over too, but not because he cared at all about Erebus. He had seen Oceanus approaching the dead body, and and armless robot seemed like the only kind of fiter Waspinator might still be able to eliminate.
Waspinator smacked Oceanus on the back of his head to get his attention. At the bottom of the crater, the two remaining robots were about to duke it out, despite both being in severe states of disrepair.
Waspinator was able to keep out of whatever range Oceanus still had thanks to his wings, but since Waspinator had lost all of his own ranged abilities, the Predacon had to come in close whenever it wanted to hurt the diver-bot. Oceanus, meanwhile, was learning just how great a weapon a thick head can be. Whenever Waspinator came in to smack Oceanus, the robot master would jump forward to headbutt Waspinator. Most of the time the two bonked their heads together, and while Oceanus seemed unaffected by it, the Predacon was always a bit wobbly after the heads had made contact.
The only problem with the way the fite was preceding was that no progress was being made. Sure Oceanus's paint job got scratched and Waspinator had to take a few seconds to get his wits after every headbutt, but no one was making the kind of moves that could secure them an advantage. In other matches it might be blamed on being too careful, but in this particular set-up, Waspinator and Oceanus could not do much about their sorry conditions.
After a few boring minutes of repeating their routine, Waspinator tried to mix things up by diving towards Oceanus with a slash aimed directly for the robot's neck. Waspinator was going to try and get his fingers in to pry the robot master's head loose, but Oceanus was not going to let Waspinator go in for another attack with trying to retaliate with one of his own.
Oceanus leaped up again, trying to headbutt the Predacon to impede the assault. What neither robot had realized was that now that Waspinator's attack had changed, that meant the Oceanus would be hitting a new part of the wasp-bot's body. It just so happened that Oceanus's headbutt landed directly in the middle of the Predacon's ruined chest. The initial blow did little, but the head of Oceanus got stuck in his opponent's wrecked body.
The extra weight dragged Waspinator out of the sky and down to the ground. Waspinator rolled around on the ground as he tried to pry the robot master out of his chest with his remaining arm, but the flailing of the bug-bot only caused Oceanus's trapped head to do more damage to the internal systems. Waspinator began to lose control of his own body, and by the time Oceanus had finally been jostled free of the Predacon's chest, the robot had lost all control of its systems.
Oceanus began to walk away from Waspinator. He probably couldn't finish him off in his current state, and now that he was just flailing around like a two year old having a temper tantrum, he didn't feel he needed to worry about Waspinator anymore. But just like a toddler throwing a tantrum, ignoring the Predacon had only made Waspinator's fury worse. Although he could not control his body, as he got angrier at the leaving diver-bot, his body seemed to push itself towards the retreating robot master. Before Oceanus could even realize he was being followed, the flailing wasp-bot's arm scraped across the tank on Oceanus's back.
The sudden release of the tank pressure caused it to explode. Although Oceanus's back was blown to smithereens by the blast, Waspinator seemed to receive the bulk of the blow. The tiny explosion of the tank caused what remained of Waspinator's own body to explode.
"Why univerzzze hate..."
Before Waspinator could finish, Flamedog had leaped up into the air and chomped down on the broken Predacon's head. Flamedog chewed it up as he approached the body of Oceanus. Oceanus looked up to see Flamedog chewing on the last little bit of Waspinator's head and knew what was coming.
"Just go ahead and do it. Not like there is much else I can do in this match besides maybe give you Bubble Lead poisoning."
Flamedog didn't understand what Bubble Lead poisoning is, but he was all to happy to listen to Oceanus's command. Spitting out what remained of Waspinator's face, he bit down on Oceanus's head and yanked it from his body.
Outside of the crater, the last two unconscious fiters began to stir. Vector and Jaxx were getting up, and boy did they have a surprise waiting for them...
The Sine Sword had not been affected at all by the blast, but Jaxx seemed to be have been knocked out pretty good by the blow. Somehow, he had maintained his grip on his sword, preventing the spirit of our first fallen contestant from moving on to the afterlife. Honestly, Jaxx had almost come to a few times while the other fiters killed each other around him, but Sine had been conking him out with her body each time he almost became conscious. She tried to cut into him with her sword body, but she could not muster enough strength to do anything more than club him with her body.
One thing Sine was sure would be amusing when Jaxx finally came to and stayed awake is where he had fallen. On top of the Sentinel was Professor Vector, who had barely survived the nuclear blast. If it hadn't been for the other forces in the arena distilling it down to a simple explosion he would have been a goner for sure. He was laying on top of Jaxx, his arms locked in a hug around the Sentinel. Neither knew about it, but Sine had gotten quite a few laughs from seeing Jaxx receive such a long hug.
However, Sine could not keep both fiters permanently unconscious. Vector began to stir, and thinking he was hugging his wife back at home in his bed, he gave the Sentinel a peck. As soon as the kiss was planted, Jaxx snapped to attention. Jaxx threw the professor off of his body and snapped Sine back into her more solid sword form.
"WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT?! WHO IS TRYING TO MAKE OUT WITH ME?! AND WHY DO THEY HAVE A MUSTACHE!?"
Sine was laughing again. "That was some guy ROB had called in. You two looked so snug lying there together!"
"What the hell? ROB is in this fite? When did he join up?" Sine would have facepalmed at Jaxx's inability to deduce Contestant R's identity if her arms weren't locked in position.
Vector was screaming in terror as he realized he had just earned the anger of a guy who could turn his soul into a weapon. The Professor reached into his pocket and tossed the Stack-Up blocks at Jaxx.
It was almost as if he was asking to die. The sound and Stack-Up blocks that did absolutely no damage easily allowed Jaxx to figure out where Vector was cowering in terror.
"Well Sine, you are about to find out what it feels like to be rammed through the skull of a still living human."
Vector could do nothing. He was frozen in fear, and even though Sine had tried to wiggle herself off course as Jaxx jabbed her forward, she could not avoid the young Professor's huge nose. When Sine came out the other end of Vector's head, it was clear that being someone's sword is not a very pleasant experience.
Doomrider seemed rather calm for once as he talked with Ravage. The Decepticon had grown tired of abandonment, but Doomrider had given the robot a surprisingly good pep talk. Behind all his drugs and partying, Doomrider still understood that people had emotions, and the servant of Slaanesh did not like to see people as awesome as Ravage to be down in the dumps. Ravage decided to thank Doomrider for the morale boost by letting him ride him. Doomrider would rather ride a robot panther into battle than just another one of his crazy bikes, so the servant of Slaanesh was all too eager to hop aboard. The two began to glow with purple fire.
Ravage tried to run into the arena and towards Major Failure. The hippo-headed dictator even whipped out a hammer since it looked like they were about face off. But Doomrider's flames lifted the Decepticon into the air. Doomrider was too busy joyriding to focus on the fite at hand. Major kept his hammer out just in case and continued towards the other remaining fiters.
Clippy had turned his cannon's sights on the tiny dog that was running about the arena. Flamedog had been gunning for the last unconscious fiters, but they had woken up. It switched targets to the mantis and cat, but they had gone to fite Jaxx. It was even willing to try its hand at Doomrider before he had taken to the skies. He was on his way to fite Major Failure when the AOL Free Trial discs began to land around him.
Fiting Clippy hadn't occurred to the fire-breathing canine, but now that the paper clip was an option, Flamedog charged in to battle mouth a-blazing. Earlier the dog had helped Doomrider shoot down some of Clippy's ammo, so the dog had no problem picking them off again this time. When Clippy realized how easily the dog was making its approach, the Microsoft Assistant began to turn his tank around and start fleeing.
Flamedog honestly believed it had just scared off a giant tank, but it had never heard about the Newgrounds Tank's second ammo type: Minesweeper mines. If the dog hadn't been breathing fire out in front of it, it would have walked right into one. Instead, the flame breath managed to explode one of the mines before it could be walked on. Flamedog stopped its reckless charge and suddenly got very careful. It pulled out some flags it somehow got and began to mark the spots where it knew a mine had been placed. Clippy's mines were invisibly placed, but the dog's keen sense of smell allowed it to locate them without having to test the dirt with its feet or fire.
That still didn't answer where it got the flags from though.
Flamedog was so busy placing down the flags that it hadn't noticed that Clippy had swung his tank back around. AOL discs came launching towards the puppy again, but this puppy is tough. As soon as the first one set off a nearby land mine, the dog made sure to keep on his toes and keep his flame breath going to block the incoming discs. However, the flames he shot forward effectively blinded him to what was in front of him, and he could not see Clippy driving through his own minefield straight towards the dog. The mines exploded underneath, making it a rocky road, but the tank was built to last.
When Flamedog realized that there were no more discs coming towards it, it stops spewing flames. Clippy was incredibly close to the dog, and the canine tried desperately to run away. The only problem is that it was running back through the minefield. Even though the mines were marked, the fact that Flamedog had to avoid them and Clippy didn't have to allowed the paper clip to catch up to the dog and easily run it over.
Major Failure had finally reached the group of fiters, and taking care to avoid the minefield, he began to chase after the tank. If he could get the paper clip out of that vehicle, he could use it for himself and turn things around.
Only five fiters remained...
Widow Maker had sent the Custard Kitten in first to see if it could do anything against Jaxx. The blind Sentinel knew he was about to fite Widow Maker, but he had no clue one of the cats was still alive, and he wouldn't have cared if he did. He charged towards Widow Maker, and as he passed by the Kitten, it grabbed onto his trenchcoat. Jaxx could not feel the cool cat that clung to his coat, but Sine had noticed the hitchhiker. She began to motion with her eyes to Jaxx's hair. She figured the cat couldn't do much, but if it could distract him enough to force him to use both hands, she would be free.
As the kitten climbed up the man, the mantis had to deal with the long range punches of his free hand. Once again, the blind man could only manage to punch in the general direction of his target, but an 8 foot mantis was easier to hit then the lithe form of the woman who is now his sword. Widow Maker's exoskeleton cracked as fists as strong as gunshots slammed into her body. She took aim with her bolter and fired, but the blast was blocked by the Sine Sword. The soul absorbed most of the blow, but Jaxx's face was singed by the hit. That's when Sine suddenly had an epiphany.
The Kitten was now standing on the collar of the sentinel, ready to tug his hair as a distraction, but Sine quickly mouthed the word "No" as hard she could. The kitten may have squinty eyes, but it was not blind, and the mad mouthing of Sine X. Cosine caught its attention. Sine tried to point her eyes at her ears, but the cat did not get it. Trying as hard she could, Sine the Soul Sword wiggled her ears.
The Custard Kitten got it this time. Taking some bits of its mushy body in its hands, it plugged the ears of the blind Sentinel with frozen vanilla custard.
As soon as his ears were plugged, he swung his free hand back and delivered a punch powerful enough to send the squity eyed cat soaring. Jaxx tried to pick his ears clean of the dairy product, but it was getting in too deep to get out. Sine began to scream, "NOW WIDOW MAKER! HE CAN'T HEAR US!"
As Widow Maker closed in, Jaxx abandoned his attempts at cleaning his ears. He had almost no senses to work on now, but he was not going to just sit there and let Widow Maker blast him. Bolter fire came towards him in droves, but the Sentinel had begun to twirl his sword around in front of him. Besides making Sine dizzy, the sword spinning also helped to absorb the oncoming fire. Even after Widow Maker had stopped firing, Jaxx continued to spin his sword, unable to tell if he was still being fired upon.
Widow Maker began to walk around to Jaxx's side, preparing to shoot him from the side he wasn't protecting, but she was too slow. Jaxx changed his tactics as soon as she had reached his side. Twirling around as he held the sword out, Jaxx created a tornado of sword strikes. Widow Maker tried to back away from it, but it started to move around so quickly she could not dodge it. Sine's body smacked Widow Maker's bolter away, but the gun still remained in tact. Without Jaxx to keep able to perceive it, Sine had begun to weaken her body into a softer club instead of a sharp sword. Still, Widow Maker realized she probably could not shoot Jaxx at this rate anyway.
Even though she was an all natural giant mantis now, her predatory arms still could cut through flesh easily enough. As Jaxx stopped his tornado to switch up his tactics, Widow Maker closed in and slammed her two large arms down on his shoulders. Unfortunately for her, he was wearing some tough body armor beneath it, and Jaxx kicked out at Widow Maker. The bug was floored, and Jaxx began to sweep the area in front of him with his long range punches. Widow Maker rolled out of the way and got back to her feet. If she couldn't disarm Jaxx, she would just have to try and behead him.
After Jaxx's sweep was through, he prepared to swing Sine around again in hopes of hitting the insect. Widow Maker was not going to let it happen again. She closed in and jammed one of her arms into Jaxx's neck. The flesh had given way and the artery was torn open, but the Sentinel's head remained attached. Widow Maker would have to hack at it again to cleave it off, and Jaxx did not seem to retaliate.
"Looks like you got me mantis. Go ahead, finish it."
As Widow Maker pulled back for the killer blow, Jaxx had one last thing to say.
"Sine..."
"Yes, Jaxx?" she said, even though he could not even hear her.
"I hope you come back a a grimy gas station urinal."
Widow Maker swung forward as Sine cursed angrily at a Jaxx who could not hear her.
"Thank you Widow Maker. That was one of the worst experiences of my life..."
"No problem. You sure you want to go now? I wouldn't mind a sword about now."
The two laughed as Sine's soul drifted up and away.
"DAMN! Just missed it! Those specters give one helluva good high! Why'd you let her get away Widow Maker? Fucking hell, let's chase after her Ravage! I'll be back for you in a minute, Mantis!"
The two rode the purple flames into the sky after Sine, who was suddenly flying towards the sky a lot faster.
Meanwhile, Major Failure was chasing after Clippy's tank only to find that the paper clip had turned around in his seat.
"Oh, there you are Major Failure! I am usually happy to provide help, but I need some help right now. Would you please stand still as I kill you?"
As Clippy turned his cannon around to face the Major, our lovable dictator reached into his bag and pulled out a handful of hammers. With only four fiters remaining, he figured he could spare a few hammers if it meant he might hijack a tank. Major tosses the bunch of hammers haphazardly up towards the Microsoft Assistant.
Clippy was forced to abandon his perch from atop the tank in order to avoid the explosion, but he had mashed a few buttons before he had jumped away. Major Failure began to scale the tank, but Clippy intercepted him. The Major pulled out another hammer, but the end of the paper clip shot out and knocked the tool away. The Major was going to reach for another when he realized the paper clip would just try and knock it away as well.
Instead, Major Failure kicked Clippy in the eye. The size difference between the two did not benefit Clippy at all. The Major continued to kick forward, his boots repeatedly striking the paper clip in its eyes. When he felt he had done enough, Major began to climb up to the tank's controls. Before Clippy could regain his vision, the Major had swung the cannon around to smack Clippy off the tank.
Clippy flew far off into the arena, and the Major prepared to give chase, but one thing he hadn't counted on was what Clippy had done before he abandoned the controls. The button he had mashed was the Minesweeper one, and as the Major began to drive it forward, the entire remaining mine load of the tank had begun to go off.
The force of so many explosions was not only enough to completely ruin the tank treads, but enough to send the vehicle flying through the air. The Major had not expected to be in a flying tank, so as it flipped through the air, he was tossed down to the ground. His spine injuries did not like this one bit. A sickening crack rang out, punctuated by the pained scream of the dictator. It hadn't broken, but he could no longer stand up. He began to crawl across the arena, hoping that maybe the tank's cannon could still function. Even if he had this physical limitation, a good enough gun could turn any battle's tide.
By chance, the tank happened to land right side up. Clippy, who had a bit of a vision problem now, could make out at least that there was a giant black blob in front of him. Assuming it was his tank, he began to climb back into it. Major was crawling towards it, but he was much too late to beat the paper clip to the controls. Clippy began to scan the arena, but his eyes were so badly damaged he could not see any fiters. Major Failure thought he was doomed the moment Clippy had resumed control of the Newgrounds tank, but the silence of the vehicle calmed the Major down. He reached into his bag, and found out he had only one hammer left. Better make it count.
Carrying the claw hammer in his mouth, Major Failure scaled the tank once more. Clippy was looking all around the arena, but even as he came face to face with Failure, he did not seem to perceive anyone or any danger. Major Failure pulled himself to his feet. It was immensely painful, but he did not want the hammer's explosion to hit him too. As he reared back the hammer to bring it down on the paper clip's head, his back gave out. Major stumbled forward and struck the paper clip with that hammer, but he was far too close to the explosion. The bomb tore open his own chest and ended up killing him.
"Widow Maker... is that you?"
"Yes Clippy, I'm here."
"Did... Did I win?"
"No, no you didn't."
"No! I'm dying! You are supposed to tell me I won!"
"Well, it's not like you are going to stay dead. Next time I open Microsoft Word you are probably gonna pop up fine and dandy. No point in lying to you."
"Alright... How did I do?"
"Third Place."
"Bronze is good... I suppose... Widow Maker. I need some help."
"What is it Clippy?"
"Can you... can you help me close my eyes?"
Widow Maker pulled Clippy's eyes shut.
As she walked away from the body of Clippy, she noticed someone else who was on their last legs. Not too far away, the squinty eyed Custard Kitten was laying in a mushy pile. Widow Maker scurried over to it. The cat mewed, happy to see her. It still wanted to help, but it was in no condition to do anything besides weakly meow. Widow Maker looked up towards the sky. Doomrider was returning from his wild Sine chase, pissed that he had been unable to catch the spirit.
They were the final two, and it was time for the final showdown...
Doomrider and his mount's purple flames were going to be a problem. As a bug, there is nothing stopping Widow Maker from bursting into flame the moment she comes in contact with the two as they returned from their failed hunt. Holding the Custard Kitten in her hands, the great mind of the bug came up with a plan crazy enough to work.
"If you really want to help me now, then please forgive me for what I am about to do."
The cat mewed softly, signaling it was willing to help, but it could not help but yowl as its body was rubbed all over the insect's exoskeleton. Widow Maker was using the cat like a bar of soap, and just like a bar of soap, the Custard Kitten was eventually rubbed down to the point that it no longer existed.
Doomrider saw Widow Maker approaching, but he was confident in the purple flames that surrounded him. He rode Ravage through the air and towards the bug, but as they collided, no one burned to death. Instead, all three tumbled to the ground. Ravage fell the hardest, since he had no way to fly when his rider had fallen off. Widow Maker landed on her feet and began to fire her bolter at Doomrider. The servant of Slaanesh grabbed all the ammunition as it reached him and crushed them in his hand. The explosion was contained within his palm, and he quickly turned it back at Widow Maker.
Widow Maker dashed through the flames, still not bothered by them. Doomrider could not help but scratch his head at this. He was sure the bug would burn easier than this, but not a single flame stuck to her form. Widow Maker closed in and tried to hack off one of Doomrider's arms, but he was much quicker than her. His arms whipped up and seized hers, and he opened his mouth wide open. He belched all the flames he had absorbed from the explosion earlier. Even without its nuclear qualities, it still should have been more than enough to turn the bug to ash. But as the flames cleared up, Widow Maker smiled back at him, unscathed.
"This is fucking ridiculous! How?!"
Widow Maker spat a bit of custard that had dribbled into her mouth on Doomrider's face. Since he was clad pretty much from the neck down in full armor, he had not felt the slippery substance as he held on to the insect. Doomrider's tongue shot up and licked his face clean.
"How the fuck is custard that flame retardant?"
"I'll tell you the moment you explain your powers."
Doomrider smiled at that, but he was not happy he wasn't hurting the bug. Instead of relying on the flames, Doomrider began to rely on his own strength. He pressed down on the bug, but the pressure caused her to slip out of his grip. Widow Maker pulled her bolter back up and fired a few blasts into Doomrider's chest. He staggered backwards as he realized that his chest armor had not only been hit, but it was blasted clean off.
Widow Maker prepared to fire more, but Ravage had recovered from its fall and hopped back into the battle. Ravage bit down on the bolter and destroyed it with ease. Doomrider laughed, but as soon as he did Widow Maker leaped up and over Ravage to get at the giant weak spot Doomrider now had for a chest. She jammed one of her arms into his body. Doomrider looked at her in disbelief.
"You got in a pretty damn good hit..."
But Doomrider reached down and pulled the arm out. Widow Maker swung her other arm around, but Doomrider kicked Widow Maker from beneath her abdomen, she went up into the air, and Doomrider's mouth opened incredibly wide. He was about to eat the mantis, but Widow Maker simply opened her wings and flew off. Doomrider cursed and hopped back onto Ravage.
The two chased after Widow Maker as she tried to find something she could use to her advantage in the arena. The tank looked tempting, but after Major Failure's last hammer went off, it had destroyed the controls in addition to ending two lives. As she scanned the arena floor, she failed to notice that Doomrider had quickly pulled ahead of her. She bumped into him, and before she could attack, Doomrider grabbed her wings.
"You don't need these, do you?"
The servant of Slaanesh plucked the wings and discarded them. Widow Maker went plummeting towards the ground. The impact was painful, but she managed to survive it. Doomrider landed nearby and hefted up the dead body of Oceanus. Widow Maker looked around for a similar weapon, but the few dead bodies in the center of crater were either too heavy or too light for use as a weapon.
Doomrider swung Oceanus's body around, but Widow Maker ducked under it and got in close. Swinging her custard covered arm down on Doomrider's head, the servant of Slaanesh suddenly found himself himself with half a face.
Doomrider dropped the dead robot and backed away from Widow Maker, clutching his face. The wails of his pained ally motivated Ravage to action. The Decepticon leaped forward and seized Widow Maker by the arm. The force behind the leap was too much for Widow Maker. Her arm was torn off, and Ravage swung the broken limb around to smack Widow Maker. The bug did her best to block her own arm's attacks, but Ravage was quick to pounce once more. He pinned Widow Maker to the arena floor.
Speaking of that new friend, Doomrider was not doing so well. His body was falling apart, and with half a face missing he could barely keep himself conscious. If he were to pass out now, he would die. Widow Maker would finish him off. He had seen Ravage get split in half by the missile that had idled on his butt the whole match. His only hope was to find a way to keep awake and make a comeback.
Widow Maker got up and was walking closer and closer, stumbling due to her missing limbs. She would bite his head off it meant she could win this. She was cheated last year by a sword that had possessed her, and this year was her year to claim victory. The resolve in her eyes was as damaging to Doomrider's ego as the attack from earlier had been to his face. He was looking in the face of a champion...
But wait. Doomrider looked around where he stood. The pieces of ROB the robot lie around him. His hands were still coated with the Custard Kitten goo he rubbed off when he held Widow Maker. Two underdogs (or undercats in the kitten's case) who had overcome the odds of their big battles and emerged victorious. While Doomrider was no underdog, he figured maybe there was something more to these two fiters. Something... he could borrow.
He picked up the head of ROB and smash it in his hands. Even as his vision became blurry, he mixed the dust with the custard that had rubbed off on his hands. He quickly brought it to what was left of his nose. He huffed it as quickly as he could, some of it spilling out of the side of his ruined face.
Widow Maker was standing right above him as he passed out. She readied one of her legs to stomp down on what remained of of his face.
"FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCKKKKKKKKKKKKK
YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"
As the leg of Widow Maker stomped down, she found it halted by a piece of plastic. Doomrider's body had fully reformed. The missing parts where now made of the gray plastic of ROB and his body took on the creamy color of the kitten. He began to grow, knocking the mantis back towards what remained of Ravage as he assumed the form of Champion Doomrider.
The massive mix of ROB, Doomrider, and kitten stomped forward. Widow Maker was too shocked to move, and Ravage was unfortunately just in the way of the giant boot. Doomrider crushed both of the remaining fiters with his now massive foot.
Although Widow Maker put forth a valiant effort, Doomrider's quick and odd thinking and his ability to get strange highs from normal stuff sent him up and over to first place!
Our many fiters put on a great show here, and despite nuclear explosions, giant meat monsters, and a clear pro-drugs message to the whole affair, we have finally reached our conclusion with a clear and worthy champion.
Thank you everyone for joining me for this amazing match of Fite Yer' Mates!
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Everyone in the city had gathered around the arena once they heard Doomrider had won. They knew how much of a party animal he was, and they were sure he would be throwing an amazing victory bash in his own honor.
And they were right. What they didn't know was that Doomrider would not be partying with them. He'd be partying with the Universe.
Out in the Solar System, the giant form of Champion Doomrider sat atop Jupiter. He figured he would enjoy such an extreme high in the only way that could keep up with him. He had the asteroid belt wrapped around his waist and the ring of Saturn askew on his head like the way a lame coworker might wear a lampshade at an office party.
The Champion pulled Pluto towards his mouth and took a big bite of it.
"I think I could get used to this!"
Doomrider pulled out two champagne bottles larger than Mercury and popped them open. The booze sprayed off into the solar system. Mars Rovers discovered liquid on Mars, but it was far more alcoholic than scientists had expected. The gases of Venus began to react with the odd champagne that was now flowing into their atmosphere. Doomrider propped his feet up on the ringless Saturn and laughed loud enough to cause earthquakes back on Earth.
"I HOPE I NEVER COME DOWN FROM THIS HIGH!!!! HA HA HA HA!!!!"
Blanko (Richard)
ReplyDeleteNawt (Rainbow Dash)
Bang (Sister Alice)
26th Place: Sine X. Cosine (Jaxx Tantra)
25th Place: Rainbow Dash (General TF Meagher)
24th Place: The Sheep (Emperor Constantine)
Poseidon (Erebus)
23rd Place: Emperor Constantine (Doktor Hanz and the Oozing Flesh)
22nd Place: General TF Meagher (Doomrider)
The Irish Brigade (Rainbow Dash, Doomrider, Designate 5, and Sister Alice)
Pound (Samson)
Bupkus (Samson)
21st Place: The Monstars (Richard, Rainbow Dash, Sister Alice, and Samson)
20th Place: Ironichide (Major Failure)
19th Place: Samson (Gezora)
Bent Custard Kitten (Richard)
18th Place: Gezora (Sister Alice)
17th Place: Sister Alice (Pit)
Professor Hector (Richard)
16th Place: Doktor Hanz (Designate 5)
Hanz' Schnitzel (Designate 5)
15th Place: Richard (Bang and Ravage)
14th Place: Designate 5 (Contestant R)
Bang (Designate 5)
Mac Tonight and the Midnight Snacks (The Oozing Flesh)
Possessed Mac Tonight (Waspinator)
Possessed Birdie (Oceanus)
13th Place: Pit (Contestant R)
Possessed Kool-Aid Man (Widow Maker and Squinty Custard Kitten)
Possessed Yummy Mummy (Flamedog)
The Oozing Flesh (Devil Ed)
12th Place: Contestant R (Waspinator)
11th Place: Devil Ed (Oceanus and Gamera)
10th Place: Gamera (Erebus and Frozen Custard Kitten)
Frozen Custard Kitten (Erebus)
9th Place: Erebus (Major Failure)
8th Place: Waspinator (Oceanus and himself)
7th Place: Oceanus (Waspinator and Flamedog)
Professor Vector (Jaxx Tantra)
6th Place: Flamedog (Clippy)
5th Place: Jaxx Tantra (Widow Maker)
4th Place: Major Failure (Clippy and himself)
3rd Place: Clippy (Major Failure)
Squinty Custard Kitten (Widow Maker)
Ravage (Doomrider)
2nd Place: Widow Maker (Doomrider)
WINNER: FUCKIN' DOOOOOOOOOMRIDERRRRRRRRR NANANANA