Fite 66- Confessions of a Fiteaholic (Rainbow Dash vs. Flu)

Tonight in the Fite Yer’ Mates arena we have yet another winged creature with attitude taking on an unusual alien that shoots lasers, but it will definitely not be the same game! Our battle tonight will take place in a humble little strip mall on the side of a busy road. The road was going to have traffic, but we borrowed our traffic AI from a Maxis build and decided it would be smarter to have no simulated traffic after all. Beside a packed parking lot, our competitors will fite in the unoccupied mall full of hair salons, dollar stores, and the giant husk of a once popular movie rental chain. The plucky pony Rainbow Dash shall be fiting the flighty Rodian Flu, so without further ado, let’s start Fite 2 of Fite Yer’ Mates!

Flu had been relieved before the fite started when he had been briefed on the location. The interior of a strip mall seemed like a place the flying pony might have trouble flying about in. He had quite a confident swagger about him as he waited for the fite, but when he was finally teleported into the simulated arena, his confidence quickly evaporated.

They weren’t starting IN the mall, they were starting ON TOP of the mall!

Rainbow Dash smirks, picking up all the confidence Flu had just lost. She immediately flutters up into the air as Flu begins to reach frantically for his blaster. As soon as he drew the blaster though, a rainbow streak comes slamming into him, knocking the pistol out of his hands. Flu desperately scrambles to try and reclaim it, but Rainbow Dash comes by again for a second streak, moving so quickly that Flu can’t even predict her coming. Flu is knocked about the roof for a bit, unable to effectively counter the speedy pony on the flat rooftop.

Flu realizes he has no hope if he sticks to the rooftop. After being kicked around a few more times, Flu tumbles off the roof, sweeping up his blaster as he goes careening off the side of the building. Rainbow Dash crashes into the rooftop as she tries to catch him rolling off, breaking through the ceiling of the building.

Flu’s fall isn’t very clean. He lands on his side and groans at the sudden sting he felt from the impact. He spends a moment trying to recover from the fall, but soon the doors of the movie rental store swing open. Rainbow Dash was a bit dusty from crashing through the roof, but she was fine otherwise. She does need a moment to rub the dust out of her eyes, which gives the Rodian the time he needs to get back up and back into the fite. He runs towards the packed parking lot and took cover behind a large SUV, using the vehicles mirrors to check to see what Rainbow Dash was up to. The pony did a quick twist, flinging most of the remaining dust from her rainbow mane.

The filly flies into the air once more, surveying the parking lot in search of Flu. Flu quickly rolls under the SUV to avoid detection and begins to aim a shot at the pony. A single well-aimed shot would take her down, but Rainbow Dash was not taking her time in her search. She could sweep the entire lot in one second and then alter her search pattern, meaning Flu couldn’t even see her except for a few glimpses. The search was boring the pegasus though, so she lands in a huff and begins to think of a way to flush Flu out.

Flu realizes the pony had ceased her search and begins crawling from car to car to try and find her. The front of his clothes are streaked with oil and grime from his slow journey, but he eventually finds where the pony had landed. He cautiously lines up his shot, aiming right for the pony’s face, but it turns out laser fire is not as fast as the speed of an idea. Rainbow Dash takes off almost as soon as the Rodian fires, and although her leg is hit, she appears to be fine. Her leg grows numb as she hovers in the sky above Flu, but despite the injury, she decides to go through with the plan she had cooked up.

Rainbow Dash begins to fly in a circle, kicking up one of her famous tornadoes. The cyclone begins to lift the cars off the ground, clearing the parking lot of cover for the cautious alien. Flu quickly ditches his hiding place as it begins to be sucked into the vehicular vortex, and now Rainbow Dash can clearly see her foe. Abandoning her whirlwind to spin around in the parking lot on its own, Rainbow Dash dashes towards Flu, slamming her three good hooves into his back and pushing him into the wall of the strip mall.

Rainbow Dash tries to begin stomping him against the wall, but Flu grabs her immobilized leg and swings her into the wall himself. He pistol whips the pony’s wings a few times before she is able to kick him off of her. She is still able to flutter out of his reach, but the injury to her wings slows her down and gives Flu the chance to track her accurately. A salvo of laser blasts forces Rainbow Dash to dance around the skies in a frantic attempt to avoid further stunned limbs. Using his brief upper hand, Flu works his way to one of the store’s doors. Noticing her opponent’s plans, Rainbow Dash tries a desperate dive in his direction, but he quickly scrambles into the hair salon and slams the door in her face.

The slower speed of the injured pegasus means she lands on the ground with an injured muzzle instead of crashing through the door. Rainbow Dash tries the handle, but Flu has already placed a shelf against the door. This doesn’t prevent her from opening it since it opens outwards, but it does mean a giant shelf lands on her once she has opened it. The shelf was full of hair care products, and they spill out onto the poor pony. Besides the sting of mixing chemicals, Rainbow Dash also finds herself with a much more dire situation. Her multicolored mane was now an ugly brown, not a brunette dye job so much as a dirty look that you usually only find on people who have never heard of shampoo. She pushes herself out from under the shelf, but when one of the hair salon’s mirrors reveals her situation, she lets out a long and prolonged “NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!”

She tries a Rainblow Dry on herself, but the chemicals had done what seemed like irreparable hair damage. Brunette Dash begins to seethe, her face turning red with anger. She would find Flu and make him pay for dimming the rainbow of Rainbow Dash.

Flu was hiding in the back of the hair salon, his pistol trained on the door to the office. A store with more shelves would have suited him better, but he’d make do with where he was now. He had heard the pony’s scream of anger and positioned a desk between him and the door, knowing now that she probably won’t be coming into the office at a reasonable speed. His hand shook from both tiredness and fear, but time kept ticking on and the pony still hadn’t entered the office.

Outside of Flu’s hiding spot Rainbow Dash was angry, but a convenient black trail of oil showed her exactly where her opponent had gone to hide. She had almost charged straight into the office without thinking, but the pain in her wings gave her pause. Rather than go in injured, Rainbow Dash left the salon and went down the mall to a new age herb shop. She perused the many dubious mixtures and herbs until she found a bunch that claimed to cure pain. She grabbed the pill bottles and went to the cashier, but after waiting for a few seconds she remembered there were no clerks so she just took the remedies right there. They weren’t the kind Zacora would whip up, but after a brief wait the pain in her wings cleared up. Her leg was still numb from the stun blast, but her wings were back to tip-top shape. She went back into the parking lot, ignoring the still-spinning vehicular vortex, and went back into the salon. The bell on the door jingled a bit, cluing Flu in that the pony had been about.

Even more on guard than before, Flu had moved a few more things onto the desk to serve as barriers for when the pony rushed in. He had quite a little setup going, with a filling cabinet lying on its side atop the desk with a fake potted plant serving as the peak of his junk pile. If the pony rushed in, she would hit quite a bit of clutter before hitting the hiding alien.

The door of the office swung open. Flu quickly fired a few shots, but they failed to make contact with anything but the salon’s many mirrors. Suddenly, a huge flash of light filled the salon as Rainbow Dash let loose a Buccaneer Blitz. Flu was blinded, and he began firing wildly about the salon office, but Rainbow Dash pressed herself against the ground and slunk about knowing he wouldn’t be aiming low. Before his vision could clear up, Rainbow Dash got behind Flu and gave a heavy kick with her front legs to push the Rodian through his junk fort. Flu quickly stumbles out from under the junk and tries to go for his vibroblade…

Only to find it isn’t there.

There is a one weapon limit, remember? Thanks to our teleportation service we were able to disarm the Rodian of his secondary weapon before he arrived at the arena.

This wasn’t a good time to be finding that out though. Flu looked more afraid than ever of the pony. Rainbow Dash flew backwards just as the Rodian’s vision was returning to him, but by the time he could see the pony she was flying directly into his chest. She pushed Flu through the wall of the salon, through many souvenir and dollar shops until they reached the unoccupied movie store. There, she came to an abrupt stop, but the momentum kept Flu going until he crashed into the shelves containing scratched up DVDs of family comedies.

The Rodian was covered with debris and the products of the many different shops. He was barely able to keep himself from fainting, and at some point he had lost his blaster again. Rainbow Dash laughed, realizing her opponent was weary and unarmed, but a sudden toss of a statuette cleared up that misconception. Flu was now armed with a body covered with cheap plastic knickknacks that had got caught in his jacket or stuck to the oil. He began to chuck the hunks of plastic at Rainbow Dash, who had no problem dodging them now that she was aware of their presence. She flies in close to try and delivers another rough kick to the Rodian, but using a plastic stethoscope from a child’s play doctor set, Flu was able to rein the pegasus and pull her to the ground. He hopped on her back and prepares to clobber the pony with a cell phone charger when she takes off.

Flu holds onto his makeshift rein desperately as Rainbow Dash zooms around the spacious video store. The store was the largest in the strip mall, and Rainbow Dash used it to her advantage. When it was clear speed wouldn’t force her unwanted rider to dismount, she began to slam him against the walls of the place. Flu was knocked about hard, but he still wasn’t letting up. Even as the walls cracked from the impact of the high-speed pony, Flu hung on with a strange determination that could have only been caused from repeated blows to his head.

Suddenly, a car comes slamming through the store’s wall, hitting the pony and her rider out of the sky. The hole in the wall allowed them to see that the vortex outside was dying, and now the many cars it had captured were being flung free, many in their direction. Their battle ceased for the moment as both began to dodge the incoming cars as best they could. Rainbow Dash relied heavily on her speed to dodge them, but as soon as she’d dash away from one, another would come sailing towards her. Flu, on the other hand, watched the cars carefully. An expert in escaping dangerous situations, he mapped out a perfect escape route and was able to make it safely out of the store. The front wall was almost completely decimated by the time he had exited, and Rainbow Dash was still stuck inside.

Flu was naturally compelled to keep running, but it was obvious the video rental store would not hold up much longer. A conspicuous crack was appearing in the ceiling from being improperly supported from crumbling walls, and Flu came up with a scheme that might just be desperate enough to work. He grabbed a nearby handicapped parking sign and began to pry it loose, but it took much longer than he expected. Rainbow Dash had just flown out of the store when he pried it loose, and the sudden appearance of the pony surprised him enough to kick up an instinctual attack. He slapped the pony back into the store with the sign, and after taking a second to realize what he had just done, he began to pull back the sign.

In a throw that would have made a javelin thrower jealous, Flu hurled the sign up and towards the crack in the ceiling. The sign fell short, but the SUV he had hid under earlier came sailing through the air and knocked the sign up a bit more. The sign clunked up against the crack in the ceiling, but it didn’t do any damage. Rainbow Dash had just recovered from the sign slap though, and she was ready to charge back out… only for the sign to come down and hit her on the head. The SUV also came down on her as well.

Rainbow Dash wasn’t crushed, but she was pinned to the ground. The handicap sign had fallen under the SUV’s wheel, and the pegasus’s wing was under that sign at the moment. She desperately tried to pull her wing from it as Flu scurried off from the video store’s entrance. He began to search the salon for his blaster, eventually finding it and quickly scurrying back to the crumbling strip mall’s largest store.

Rainbow Dash finally managed to pull her wing from under the sign, losing a few feathers but not really worse for the wear. She saw Flu at the exit though, and he was now aiming his blaster up at the crack in the ceiling. In the ultimate test of blaster speed versus pony speed, Rainbow Dash flew towards Flu as he fired his shot.

The crack in the ceiling was blasted open and the building came tumbling down. Rainbow Dash’s front two legs kick Flu out into the parking lot, but even though she had reached the exit, her entire body hadn’t left the store. The crumbling rental shop collapsed onto her back legs.

Rainbow Dash was buried under the rubble of the building. Had she been a bit faster or a bit less injured maybe she could have outrun it, but Flu had managed to bury her. Flu himself was not in great condition, but he was barely able to pull himself off the ground, which was enough for Refbot to declare him the winner over the crushed pegasus.

No need to worry though, she may be flattened, but she is still alive! She’s just lost again is all. Today may not have been this pony’s lucky day, but Flu has emerged victorious due to his craftiness and cunning!

Fite 65- Angel in the Oddfield (Baltan vs. Dirk)

“Hello there, I’m Jumpropeman, and although I hate having to lead into a fite like this, I LOVE introducing our fantastic new arena! Suspended in the sky above Orvance and floating below the King of Beasts cruise liner is a fantastic new arena that appears to be the same as our old flat arena, but thanks to advanced holodeck technology, we can change this battlefield into any sort of environment we want! For the first fite of the year, we have chosen a Mesoamerican pyramid backdrop. Ancient Americans built these kinds of pyramids to honor the Gods, but were these holy beings really angels or were they aliens from another world, and how long can the History Channel milk that question for pseudoscientific programming?

Either way, we have an alien and an angel here tonight to prove who is more worthy of our admiration. We have our referee Refbot on hand to make sure things stay non-lethal, so let’s just get this fite underway already! Baltan and Dirk, prepare to Fite Yer’ Mate!”

The two fiters teleport into the arena on opposite sides of the giant pyramid and they begin in completely opposite manners. Baltan takes in the generated environment, marveling at the architecture of the giant pyramid and the many pillars that lined the paths to the staircases. Dirk, on the other hand, immediately dashes towards the pyramid and runs up to the top as quickly as he can. Standing at the top, he calls out to Baltan,

“Hey Baltan, I’ve got the high ground!”

“Yes you do!
…
What does that mean?”

“It means I have the advantage. Or at least that’s what they say in the movies…”

“Oh! Good for you! Can we share the high ground?”

“No! That would completely defeat the point-“

But before Dirk had even begun to say no, Baltan was bolting towards the pyramid. Dirk wasn’t going to give up the high ground easily though, so he begins casting a spell. Enormous fireballs begin to fall from the sky as a Meteor Shower shoots forward in front of the young angel. The staircase up the side of the pyramid is destroyed, and soon the path is torn apart by fiery death from above. The intense flames and the dust of crumbling pillars blot out Dirk’s view of the path below though, and he’s unable to tell if he has successfully hit Baltan. When the fires die down though, Baltan is nowhere to be seen. Before he had time to react, Dirk was grabbed from behind by Baltan, who had teleported up before he could be quashed by the meteor shower.

The huge claws of the space alien clamp down around Dirk’s arms and wings. Dirk may have been caught by surprise, but he was quick to react. A Heavenly Light shot out from Dirk’s body, forcing Baltan to let go and tumble down the side of the pyramid. After a long and bumpy fall, Baltan ends up flat on his back in the dirt. Dirk takes to the sky to avoid any further teleportation shenanigans and tries to think of his next plan of attack. Baltan watches the angel fly about in the sky and aims his claws skyward. He has a bit of trouble discerning the angel from the birds twirling about his head from all the head trauma he had experienced, so he begins to fire wildly into the air. Dirk tries his best to dodge the volley, but the randomness of the shots means he has no idea when to dodge and what parts of the sky were safe. He would have been better off trying to dodge lightning strikes.

Eventually one of the beams manages to hit him square in the stomach, knocking the wind out of him and the wind out from underneath his wings. Dirk careens down to the earth below, hitting his head hard when he makes contact with the ground. While Baltan had reacted to the head injuries with dazed confusion, Dirk responds to them with seething rage. The young angel clasps his head in his hands and begins stomping about, trying to hold in the screams of pain from landing face first in the dirt. Baltan’s loopiness was just wearing off though, so the alien was back up off the ground and ready to continue the fite. Closing the distance on foot this time, Baltan charges towards Dirk and shoulder checks him.

Dirk is sent flying, but then he begins to break his fall by flying. The dark angel flies back to Baltan and begins to unleash a flurry of punches and blows as he flits about the large alien. Baltan swings his claws and attempts to fire laser blasts at Dirk, but the angel is able to flutter just out of range of each blow. Baltan manages to get a few heavy swings on his opponent, but the dark angel is landing far more blows than the alien is. If you were to ask a group of mathematicians on who was doing more damage in this exchange of blows, they would wager the speedier and more accurate blows of Dirk were prevailing. However, the tougher skin of the alien made Dirk’s rabbit punches do little in the way of knocking his opponent out. Baltan realizes he is essentially a punching bag for the young angel, so he decides to make things a bit more interesting.

A second Baltan appears off to Dirk’s right and begins to assault Dirk with the same intensity as the original. Dirk tries his best to hold off both aliens, but he suddenly found himself fending of three Baltans as yet another clone appears to his left. Dirk was just barely able to dodge the assault of the three aliens, but when a fourth appeared directly behind him, his number was up. The newest clone clasped the angel’s wings and quickly fired a stun ray into each one, numbing up the wings and forcing Dirk to stay earthbound. The clone does not let up on his grip though, so as Dirk struggles to get free, the other Baltans begin to hammer down on him with their big claws. Dirk was in another pickle, so once more he relied on his arsenal of magic to get him out.

There is a sudden flash of light, but not heavenly light. The scent of deep fried seafood exploded outward from the group, and it was soon obvious that Dirk had turned all four Baltan clones into Tempura.

The fried shrimp Baltan clones began to scuttle about on their odd legs while Dirk couldn’t help but laugh. The battered Baltans quickly regrouped though and attempted to assault Dirk together even though they were more prepared for dinner than for a fite. Their shrimp tails slap uselessly against the angel, and Dirk responds by pounding each on back with heavy punches. While his punches used to do little to the tough skin of the Baltans, these crispy cloned kaijus crunched as Dirk let loose on them. After a thorough beatdown, Dirk grabs the four battered tempura clones by their tails and hoists them above his head. They were still rather heavy, but he managed to twirl them about in the air in a surprising show of strength that still managed to look utterly ridiculous. However, the tempura status is not a permanent one, and before the young angel could toss them away, the four fried shrimp turned back into four heavy alien lobsters.

The duplicates come crashing down on the dark angel, their combined weight conking the kid out. The group of Baltans pull themselves up and stagger dizzily off their opponent to find he wasn’t moving. Refbot rolls up and begins a countdown.

The countdown barely reaches 6 when Dirk manages to pull himself up onto his knees. He looks up to see the many Baltans staggering about, dazed for the second time in this battle. Refbot rolls off as Dirk stands back up and prepares to reenter the battle. The four aliens take notice and prepare to charge the recuperated angel, but Dirk is quick to pull out another spell. The line of Baltans quickly tries to change direction as a Black Hole appears in front of the dark angel. Now, it wasn’t a humongous planet destroying black hole that even light couldn’t escape, but it was still a human-sized vortex that was trying to pull the aliens towards it. The Baltan furthest from the hole grabbed onto one of the stone pillars on the path and held on for dear life. The clone closest to him managed to grab onto his foot, and soon the remaining two followed suit until there was a chain of Baltans dangling in the air.

The clones begin to disappear as they start to meld back together in order to lessen the pull of the black hole on them. The process is to slow though, so by the time the last clone rejoins with the original, his grip on the pillar had slackened too much. Baltan slips off the column and goes sailing towards the black hole… only to find it doesn’t crush him so much as shock him. Still, Dirk’s intention was to reduce the amount of clones, and Baltan was back to fiting on his own. After recovering from the shock, Baltan immediately launches a laser blast at Dirk. The angel leaps out of the way and prepares a blast of his own.

“You wanna see what I can really do?” Dirk yells.

“YES! Please show me!”

“What? No… that supposed to be, like, the quote of the match, the one people will be talking about because it was so cool!”

“Yes, it was a very good line! Ooo, now I can’t WAIT to see what you’re going to do!”

“Alright… You ARE literally asking for it…”

Baltan, who could have easily struck at any time during that exchange, stands still as he waits to see Dirk’s spell. The dark angel strains hard, the magic beginning to take a toll on his strength, but he unleashes a massive Explosive Flame on the eager extraterrestrial. The inferno explodes in a wide radius, enough to even send Dirk tumbling back a bit, but when the fire clears it was obvious that Baltan had received the brunt of the flames. The alien was just as crispy as he had been when he was tempura, and he falls face-first into the ground.

Refbot rolls up again, checking first to make sure Baltan hadn’t burned to death. He was a bit blackened but still alive, so the referee began his countdown. Dirk fell down into the dirt himself from exhaustion, listening to the tiny beeps of each number as Baltan was counted out. But before the referee reached nine, the claw of the Baltan reached out and seized the referee, crushing the wand it held in its hand.

 

Baltan used the ref as leverage to stand back up, much to the chagrin of Refbot. Once Baltan was back up, the referee beeped angrily and handed the alien a chunk of yellow plastic. On it was printed the details of his penalty for assaulting the referee, but Baltan didn’t even bother to read the first line of text before he chucked it at the recovering angel. The yellow card hit Dirk square on the head, aggravating the headache he still had from his crash landing earlier. Dirk hopped up to his feet as quickly as he could, but the pain reignited in his head sent him into another fit of stomping rage. Baltan took the opportunity to launch two laser blasts from his claws, but even though Dirk was stomping about, he was aware enough to see the two beams heading directly for him.

Dirk quickly threw up a Reflect Barrier, and the lasers bounced away from him. One went off into space, but one of them was sent right back to Baltan, who took it square in the face. Baltan staggered backwards, but he still managed to keep himself standing. He isn’t in the best shape, but he intended to fite it out until the end. Luckily for him, Dirk was also rather exhausted, and although he wouldn’t let it on, even the most basic of spells would sap him of his remaining stamina. For a moment, neither opponent made a move.

Suddenly, Baltan began a last-ditch charge towards Dirk. Dirk prepared himself for the oncoming alien, but Baltan disappeared before he reached the young angel. Dirk immediately did a 180 to see if Baltan had teleported behind him, but the alien was nowhere to be seen. He knew the teleportation had a delay, so he closely watched his flanks as well, anticipating the reappearance of the kaiju.

What he didn’t expect was Baltan to teleport right back to where he had been. Baltan resumes his charge and manages to scoop up Dirk from behind before he could react. Clamping down on the boy’s legs and arms, Baltan released two simultaneous stun rays.

Dirk was immediately rendered unconscious, and Baltan dropped him to the ground so Refbot could do the countdown. The referee seemed to count slower than usual as a bit of payback to the fiter who harmed him, but even then Dirk could not recover from the paralysis before the counter reached 10.

There you go folks, Baltan has proven to be our winner in the first fite of the year! I hope you enjoyed this action-packed (and death-free) start to this year of Fite Yer’ Mates!