Fite 65- Angel in the Oddfield (Baltan vs. Dirk)

“Hello there, I’m Jumpropeman, and although I hate having to lead into a fite like this, I LOVE introducing our fantastic new arena! Suspended in the sky above Orvance and floating below the King of Beasts cruise liner is a fantastic new arena that appears to be the same as our old flat arena, but thanks to advanced holodeck technology, we can change this battlefield into any sort of environment we want! For the first fite of the year, we have chosen a Mesoamerican pyramid backdrop. Ancient Americans built these kinds of pyramids to honor the Gods, but were these holy beings really angels or were they aliens from another world, and how long can the History Channel milk that question for pseudoscientific programming?

Either way, we have an alien and an angel here tonight to prove who is more worthy of our admiration. We have our referee Refbot on hand to make sure things stay non-lethal, so let’s just get this fite underway already! Baltan and Dirk, prepare to Fite Yer’ Mate!”

The two fiters teleport into the arena on opposite sides of the giant pyramid and they begin in completely opposite manners. Baltan takes in the generated environment, marveling at the architecture of the giant pyramid and the many pillars that lined the paths to the staircases. Dirk, on the other hand, immediately dashes towards the pyramid and runs up to the top as quickly as he can. Standing at the top, he calls out to Baltan,

“Hey Baltan, I’ve got the high ground!”

“Yes you do!
…
What does that mean?”

“It means I have the advantage. Or at least that’s what they say in the movies…”

“Oh! Good for you! Can we share the high ground?”

“No! That would completely defeat the point-“

But before Dirk had even begun to say no, Baltan was bolting towards the pyramid. Dirk wasn’t going to give up the high ground easily though, so he begins casting a spell. Enormous fireballs begin to fall from the sky as a Meteor Shower shoots forward in front of the young angel. The staircase up the side of the pyramid is destroyed, and soon the path is torn apart by fiery death from above. The intense flames and the dust of crumbling pillars blot out Dirk’s view of the path below though, and he’s unable to tell if he has successfully hit Baltan. When the fires die down though, Baltan is nowhere to be seen. Before he had time to react, Dirk was grabbed from behind by Baltan, who had teleported up before he could be quashed by the meteor shower.

The huge claws of the space alien clamp down around Dirk’s arms and wings. Dirk may have been caught by surprise, but he was quick to react. A Heavenly Light shot out from Dirk’s body, forcing Baltan to let go and tumble down the side of the pyramid. After a long and bumpy fall, Baltan ends up flat on his back in the dirt. Dirk takes to the sky to avoid any further teleportation shenanigans and tries to think of his next plan of attack. Baltan watches the angel fly about in the sky and aims his claws skyward. He has a bit of trouble discerning the angel from the birds twirling about his head from all the head trauma he had experienced, so he begins to fire wildly into the air. Dirk tries his best to dodge the volley, but the randomness of the shots means he has no idea when to dodge and what parts of the sky were safe. He would have been better off trying to dodge lightning strikes.

Eventually one of the beams manages to hit him square in the stomach, knocking the wind out of him and the wind out from underneath his wings. Dirk careens down to the earth below, hitting his head hard when he makes contact with the ground. While Baltan had reacted to the head injuries with dazed confusion, Dirk responds to them with seething rage. The young angel clasps his head in his hands and begins stomping about, trying to hold in the screams of pain from landing face first in the dirt. Baltan’s loopiness was just wearing off though, so the alien was back up off the ground and ready to continue the fite. Closing the distance on foot this time, Baltan charges towards Dirk and shoulder checks him.

Dirk is sent flying, but then he begins to break his fall by flying. The dark angel flies back to Baltan and begins to unleash a flurry of punches and blows as he flits about the large alien. Baltan swings his claws and attempts to fire laser blasts at Dirk, but the angel is able to flutter just out of range of each blow. Baltan manages to get a few heavy swings on his opponent, but the dark angel is landing far more blows than the alien is. If you were to ask a group of mathematicians on who was doing more damage in this exchange of blows, they would wager the speedier and more accurate blows of Dirk were prevailing. However, the tougher skin of the alien made Dirk’s rabbit punches do little in the way of knocking his opponent out. Baltan realizes he is essentially a punching bag for the young angel, so he decides to make things a bit more interesting.

A second Baltan appears off to Dirk’s right and begins to assault Dirk with the same intensity as the original. Dirk tries his best to hold off both aliens, but he suddenly found himself fending of three Baltans as yet another clone appears to his left. Dirk was just barely able to dodge the assault of the three aliens, but when a fourth appeared directly behind him, his number was up. The newest clone clasped the angel’s wings and quickly fired a stun ray into each one, numbing up the wings and forcing Dirk to stay earthbound. The clone does not let up on his grip though, so as Dirk struggles to get free, the other Baltans begin to hammer down on him with their big claws. Dirk was in another pickle, so once more he relied on his arsenal of magic to get him out.

There is a sudden flash of light, but not heavenly light. The scent of deep fried seafood exploded outward from the group, and it was soon obvious that Dirk had turned all four Baltan clones into Tempura.

The fried shrimp Baltan clones began to scuttle about on their odd legs while Dirk couldn’t help but laugh. The battered Baltans quickly regrouped though and attempted to assault Dirk together even though they were more prepared for dinner than for a fite. Their shrimp tails slap uselessly against the angel, and Dirk responds by pounding each on back with heavy punches. While his punches used to do little to the tough skin of the Baltans, these crispy cloned kaijus crunched as Dirk let loose on them. After a thorough beatdown, Dirk grabs the four battered tempura clones by their tails and hoists them above his head. They were still rather heavy, but he managed to twirl them about in the air in a surprising show of strength that still managed to look utterly ridiculous. However, the tempura status is not a permanent one, and before the young angel could toss them away, the four fried shrimp turned back into four heavy alien lobsters.

The duplicates come crashing down on the dark angel, their combined weight conking the kid out. The group of Baltans pull themselves up and stagger dizzily off their opponent to find he wasn’t moving. Refbot rolls up and begins a countdown.

The countdown barely reaches 6 when Dirk manages to pull himself up onto his knees. He looks up to see the many Baltans staggering about, dazed for the second time in this battle. Refbot rolls off as Dirk stands back up and prepares to reenter the battle. The four aliens take notice and prepare to charge the recuperated angel, but Dirk is quick to pull out another spell. The line of Baltans quickly tries to change direction as a Black Hole appears in front of the dark angel. Now, it wasn’t a humongous planet destroying black hole that even light couldn’t escape, but it was still a human-sized vortex that was trying to pull the aliens towards it. The Baltan furthest from the hole grabbed onto one of the stone pillars on the path and held on for dear life. The clone closest to him managed to grab onto his foot, and soon the remaining two followed suit until there was a chain of Baltans dangling in the air.

The clones begin to disappear as they start to meld back together in order to lessen the pull of the black hole on them. The process is to slow though, so by the time the last clone rejoins with the original, his grip on the pillar had slackened too much. Baltan slips off the column and goes sailing towards the black hole… only to find it doesn’t crush him so much as shock him. Still, Dirk’s intention was to reduce the amount of clones, and Baltan was back to fiting on his own. After recovering from the shock, Baltan immediately launches a laser blast at Dirk. The angel leaps out of the way and prepares a blast of his own.

“You wanna see what I can really do?” Dirk yells.

“YES! Please show me!”

“What? No… that supposed to be, like, the quote of the match, the one people will be talking about because it was so cool!”

“Yes, it was a very good line! Ooo, now I can’t WAIT to see what you’re going to do!”

“Alright… You ARE literally asking for it…”

Baltan, who could have easily struck at any time during that exchange, stands still as he waits to see Dirk’s spell. The dark angel strains hard, the magic beginning to take a toll on his strength, but he unleashes a massive Explosive Flame on the eager extraterrestrial. The inferno explodes in a wide radius, enough to even send Dirk tumbling back a bit, but when the fire clears it was obvious that Baltan had received the brunt of the flames. The alien was just as crispy as he had been when he was tempura, and he falls face-first into the ground.

Refbot rolls up again, checking first to make sure Baltan hadn’t burned to death. He was a bit blackened but still alive, so the referee began his countdown. Dirk fell down into the dirt himself from exhaustion, listening to the tiny beeps of each number as Baltan was counted out. But before the referee reached nine, the claw of the Baltan reached out and seized the referee, crushing the wand it held in its hand.

 

Baltan used the ref as leverage to stand back up, much to the chagrin of Refbot. Once Baltan was back up, the referee beeped angrily and handed the alien a chunk of yellow plastic. On it was printed the details of his penalty for assaulting the referee, but Baltan didn’t even bother to read the first line of text before he chucked it at the recovering angel. The yellow card hit Dirk square on the head, aggravating the headache he still had from his crash landing earlier. Dirk hopped up to his feet as quickly as he could, but the pain reignited in his head sent him into another fit of stomping rage. Baltan took the opportunity to launch two laser blasts from his claws, but even though Dirk was stomping about, he was aware enough to see the two beams heading directly for him.

Dirk quickly threw up a Reflect Barrier, and the lasers bounced away from him. One went off into space, but one of them was sent right back to Baltan, who took it square in the face. Baltan staggered backwards, but he still managed to keep himself standing. He isn’t in the best shape, but he intended to fite it out until the end. Luckily for him, Dirk was also rather exhausted, and although he wouldn’t let it on, even the most basic of spells would sap him of his remaining stamina. For a moment, neither opponent made a move.

Suddenly, Baltan began a last-ditch charge towards Dirk. Dirk prepared himself for the oncoming alien, but Baltan disappeared before he reached the young angel. Dirk immediately did a 180 to see if Baltan had teleported behind him, but the alien was nowhere to be seen. He knew the teleportation had a delay, so he closely watched his flanks as well, anticipating the reappearance of the kaiju.

What he didn’t expect was Baltan to teleport right back to where he had been. Baltan resumes his charge and manages to scoop up Dirk from behind before he could react. Clamping down on the boy’s legs and arms, Baltan released two simultaneous stun rays.

Dirk was immediately rendered unconscious, and Baltan dropped him to the ground so Refbot could do the countdown. The referee seemed to count slower than usual as a bit of payback to the fiter who harmed him, but even then Dirk could not recover from the paralysis before the counter reached 10.

There you go folks, Baltan has proven to be our winner in the first fite of the year! I hope you enjoyed this action-packed (and death-free) start to this year of Fite Yer’ Mates!