Let’s get it on!
For a battle between two brawl champions, we decided to have our holosseum take us back to a simpler time and a simpler arena. Tonight’s fite shall be in a faithful adaptation of the arena from the original Big Bar Brawl, with all the anthills, chunks of missing reality, and pony-created tornadoes such an arena entails. Since our battle is between champions, our two fiters shall enter the arena like champions.
General Cleft comes on the scene clad in a star spangled robe and an Uncle Sam hat. Hail to the Chief blasts over the arena speakers as Cleft showboats as best he can without hands to move or muscles to flex. Cleft twirls his Diamondback revolver confidently, but as his entrance music peters out, a few assistants take the robe and hat out of the arena. Cleft didn’t want symbols of his nation getting tarnished in this match. Doomrider’s entrance is a lot less patriotic and a whole lot more crazy. A burst of purple flames erupts and ushers in a few demonic imps who carry in a banner with Doomrider’s face on it. Rather than crashing through the banner like a high school football team, the servant of Slaanesh bursts forward from a portal in the open mouth of the painted face. Doomrider stands atop his bike, giving the devil horns as his bike tears through the dirt of the arena, leaving behind a trail of crystal meth.
Cleft grimaces at the indulgent display, but Doomrider is forced to cool his jets for a moment as Refbot insists that both fiters be still until the match begins. Doomrider lies across his bike on his side, waiting for the announcement of the fite so he could get back to being Doomrider. Refbot drags out the opening a bit longer than usual as if to spite Doomrider, but eventually the robot signals for the match to officially begin!
Cleft wastes no time as he fires all six chambered shots of his revolver directly at Doomrider, but the Daemon prince sees the fired shots more as a challenge of his skill rather than a direct attack. Doomrider’s head jerks around at break neck speeds, his neck moving about illogically so that Doomrider could bite down on each bullet as it came towards him. The Daemon Prince grins, revealing that all six bullets had been caught between his pointed teeth. The bullets look like metal fillings now that they were crushed into Doomrider’s gums. Cleft hastily tries to load a new clip into his revolver, but the servant of Slaanesh whips his tongue between his teeth to dislodge the bullets and spits them at Cleft like they were watermelon seeds.
Unlike watermelon seeds, the bullets were spit out with enough force to embed themselves into the rock hard hide of the general and make him look like he has a strange cluster of metallic freckles. The Moon Cleft is surprised how quickly his hide has been compromised, so instead of providing the rider with more bullets to spit back, General Cleft charges forward for a physical assault. Doomrider pulls a purple cloak out of thin air and dangles it in front of the general, and as if he was the bull in a bull fight, Cleft runs right through it. Doomrider zips around Cleft on his bike, still dangling the cloak and now shouting “Toro! Toro!” The rock was not happy to have missed his opponent the first time, but now that his opponent was speaking the language of another country, he is furious. The General charges towards the cloak again, but he deviates his path so instead of passing through the purple cloth, he slams his spiked head right into the wheel of the Daemon Prince’s bike.
The normally tough wheel of the bike begin to spew out a smoky steam of air, causing the General to back off to avoid what smelled like an illegally smoked substance spraying out of the rear tire. Doomrider hopped off his bike to investigate the leak, and realizing it was such a tiny hole, he quickly mended it with a blast of warp energy. During this brief moment of demonic bike repair, Cleft pulled up his gun once more. A frontal assault would lead to more bullet spray coming back at him, but the demon rider shouldn’t be able to pull the same trick with his back turned. Cleft unloaded his gun once more, the bullets embedding themselves in the back armor of the rider. The armor was too tough to penetrate though, and Doomrider didn’t even realize he had been shot. Cleft reloads his revolver yet again, and when Doomrider turns around to resume the fite, he is disappointed to see his rocky opponent trying to use the revolver again.
“You need to loosen up man. This fite can be so much more if you get creative!” Doomrider’s sentence is punctuated with an explosion coming from his bike’s many exhaust pipes. Geysers of cocaine spray out of the bike’s pipes, no doubt meant for the General to consume so he could relax and get some “inspiration”. Cleft is not amused by this though. He tries to back away from the fountain of cocaine, but as the powder begins to rain down all around the arena, the General realizes that there will be no escape from the cocaine downpour. Cleft saw nowhere safe from the encroaching tide of coke, but he still tried to escape the powder by fleeing out into the arena. The tornadoes were now full of cocaine as they spun around the increasingly white arena, but the General reasoned that a tornado would be a much safer place from accidental drug consumption than being buried beneath kilos of the stuff. Cleft leaps into a tornado, and Doomrider shuts off his cocaine fountain in response. His bike returns to its normal state, although it is coated in the white stuff. The Daemon prince quickly licks the important parts of his bike clean of the drug and then roars off after Cleft, giddy at the prospect of fiting in a cocaine tornado.
Cleft is not quite as happy to be in one though. He has no control over the direction he spins in the tornado, so he is understandably quite grumpy when Doomrider drives into the cyclone and shows off by flying by on his bike like the Wicked Witch of the East. Doomrider spins around in the air completely oblivious to the force of the tornado, but eventually the cyclone spits Cleft back out and into the arena, the entire floor coated with cocaine. Cleft is not happy to be in what looked like a Cokehead’s Winter Wonderland. America has been waging a war against drugs for decades, and the whole arena was a reminder of how little leeway his favorite country has made in their battle against the drug trade. Doomrider lands nearby with two handfuls of cocaine, holding one forward for the General to partake of. He thought the Moon Cleft had loosened up when he leaped into the tornado, so as the Daemon Prince snorted his own handful of coke, he was surprised when Cleft shot the pile in Doomrider’s hand with his Diamondback.
Doomrider looked down at his hand surprised, partly from the shock of the rejected offer of free coke, but also from the fact that he had finally taken some damage. Doomrider sighed and began to spark with the crackling energy of Chaos. “Alright, I tried to have fun, but you can't just be a bro and let me have it. You want a fite?”
Purple flames roared out around him, the aura of fire frying all the cocaine around Doomrider. Cleft starts to back away as the jovial Prince of Pleasure begins to appear much more demonic and fearsome.
“YOU FUCKING GOT ONE!!!”
Doomrider hurled a massive fireball of eldritch energy at General Cleft, sending the General sailing through the air. The stone seemed unaffected by the flames itself, but Doomrider quickly tore his bike around to the other side of the arena to catch Cleft as he fell. Doomrider may be putting in a lot more power, but his drive to indulge in revelry compelled him to play a strange game of catch with himself. He conjured up a battle axe and hoisted Cleft up, smacking the stone with the weapon’s flat side to simulate a baseball player’s swing. Cleft goes flying through the air again, this time visibly cracked from the impact of Doomrider’s attack. Doomrider drove over to where Cleft was going to land and prepares to bat it back to the other side of the arena, but Cleft had enough time to angle himself in the air so his spikes were heading directly towards Doomrider. The battle axe still managed to smack into Cleft, but the rock’s spiky head digs in enough to the axe to reduce the strength of the smack. Cleft is lodged in the weapon only briefly, but it is enough to make it so he went into the ground rather than into the air.
A puff of cocaine explodes into the air as Cleft is hit into the ground. Doomrider dives in after the stone, swimming through it and completely ignoring physics as he paddles through the cocaine sea. Doomrider continues to push through the powder in his search for Cleft, but he instead runs face-first into the cold barrel of the rock’s revolver. The Daemon Prince quickly tries to bite the barrel of the gun off to disable the “un-fun” weapon, but as he opened his mouth cocaine spills in instead. The disturbance in the cocaine surrounding him clued the otherwise blinded Cleft in that Doomrider was near, and he pulled the trigger of his handgun. Doomrider may have chewed on the first few bullets that came his way, but this one he swallowed.
There is another burst of eldritch flame as Doomrider reacts to having a bullet launched into his body. The drugs around the two melt into a messy ooze, but General Cleft can now see his opponent and is able to open fire confidently. Doomrider’s armor absorbs many of the bullets again, but as Doomrider reels in pain he doesn’t have the presence of mind to dodge the attacks. Soon though, the rider’s screams of anguish turn into laughing. The sadomasochism of Slaanesh was present in him as well after all, so rather than bemoaning his injuries, he beckoned to Cleft to shoot him more. The General was quite uncomfortable with this demand, so for now he holds off on the pistol shots until things got a little less weird.
But when you fite Doomrider, thing are always going to be weird. Doomrider realizes Cleft won’t shoot him anymore, so the rider decides to resume the battle. The melted cocaine around him flows into his hands and transforms into a glaive, and Doomrider comes at Cleft with his hellish battle axe and his polearm of drugs. Cleft can’t do much to dodge or block the fast and furious Doomrider, and the Daemon Prince begins to chip big chunks of Cleft’s stone body off with his ethereal weapons. Cleft tries another charge, and this time the rider is too occupied with his new weapons to conjure up a mock bullfight. Cleft rams into the legs of the demon, knocking the rider off of his feet. Doomrider did not hit the ground though. The servant of Slaanesh floated parallel to the ground, and if it wasn’t for his shadow, loud crackling head fire, and probably a myriad of other obvious tells, Cleft might have not noticed Doomrider was floating right above him. The spiky stone tries to leap up to puncture the rider’s chest, but Doomrider is hovering just out of reach of the rock’s jumps. Doomrider drops his two weapons and picks Cleft up, squishing the revolver against Cleft’s body so it could not be angled up to take a few potshots as the rider held him.
Cleft struggled, but his strange anatomy made it near impossible to wriggle out of the firm hold Doomrider had on him. Doomrider begins to press in on the stone, his incredible might causing fissures to form in Cleft’s body. Cleft felt like all might be lost as he felt a pressure somehow greater than the one he felt in Moron Mountain’s core, but this patriotic pebble will not go gentle into that good night. Cleft opens his mouth to bark out some last words, but as he opens he realizes that almost his entire lower half of his body is his jaw. Some of Doomrider’s fingers slip into the mouth of the Moon Cleft from the movement of his jaw alone, so when Cleft closed it back up, he was able to bite down hard on the rider’s fingers. Doomrider stops putting the squeeze on the stone and begins trying to shake him off of his fingers, but the rock won’t let up on his bite. Instead, now that he has his revolver free again, he begins firing wild shots in Doomrider’s direction. Most miss, but enough hit for Doomrider to justify calling his bike over to help dislodge the general from his hands.
The Doomrider’s ride of doom roars over and hits Cleft from the side, causing the general to fly off of the rider’s fingers and into yet another bed of cocaine snow. The Daemon Prince gets back on his bike and revs it, a cloud of various energies twirling around the bike. Appearing like a comet full of lightning and fire, Doomrider drove his bike towards the prone Cleft. The coke around the arena turned to mush as the bike’s aura of eldritch energy incinerated everything in its path. Cleft fired the last few Diamondback bullets he had at the Doomcomet, but the bullets melt on impact. The ball of imminent death was moving too quickly for Cleft to come up with a reasonable plan to deal with it, so he instead switches into his Rock Form. Appearing like an ordinary rock may not be a great plan, but the defensive boost it provides him might just be enough to withstand the attack…
The massive forces of the energy aura hit first, but the rock’s usual resistance to fire plus his Rock Form allow him to weather all of it except for the actual force of the blow. It is a wonder he hasn’t shattered into gravel yet, but as the aura passes over him, Cleft makes the riskiest move he has made all night.
Perhaps he's being tactical, or perhaps he finally managed to ingest some of the powdery drug that surrounded him, but once he was within that huge comet of unearthly energy, he returned to his normal form.
The spikes atop the General’s head popped back out just in time for the front tire of the bike to slam into them. The bike wheel came to a screeching halt, but the Doomcomet still had way too much momentum to just slow down. Cleft is pushed along the ground, but eventually the bike itself flips over. The bike tips over General Cleft’s head and Doomrider comes crashing down into his own comet of powerful energy. Even for a being accustomed to flame and lightning, the Doomcomet was built up of the strongest stuff that the servant of Slaanesh can conjure, and once its power was released on Doomrider, the force of the blast alone was enough to decimate the Daemon Prince.
Cleft walked away from the enormous fireball of Warp energies and began to kick at the cocaine all around the arena. He would clean up this entire mess himself if he had to. He had already proven he could defeat the warrior who made the drugs, so now all he has to do is finish his part in the War on Drugs.
Either way, our American cobblestone has proven he is indeed worthy of the title of Big Bar Brawl champion. General Cleft has trounced Doomrider by turning his own inestimable forces against him, and now he will get to test his strength to see if he can be champion of FITE WEEK 2. We’ll see you tomorrow when either Moosh or Briar will earn the same right to fite in the free-for-all.
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