Fite 47 (Writers: Designate_5, The Deleter, Jumpropeman)- Paranormal and Parapsychological Activity

Welcome one and all, to a fight surely laden with meta-schadenfreude! After all, tonight we see our esteemed limb-hacker – sorry, Fite Organizer – and all-around ghost Jumpropeman attempt to take on a superhuman, psychic, chaos-influenced, and terrifying supersoldier from a grim, dark far future – a round of applause for Pech! The ghost will be ‘wielding’ a mutated armadillo, while Pech is gripping that force sword rather menacingly.

The two fiters face off, the sun glinting cruelly off the humming edge of Pech’s sword. Properzia strains against her master’s ectoplasmic hand, snuffling and clawing the dirt.

“Let’s make this a good fite, Pech!” Jumpropeman waves to the crowd.
“Let’s get this over with.”

“GEZORA AGREES. GET ON WITH IT.”

Pech sweeps his sword up into a mock salute, psylightning crackling down it into the earth around him, grounding itself in a phosphor-bright haze. Properzia, released, shoots forward in a pink blur like the arrow of a Cupid gone rabid, only to fly past the side-stepping space marine. He may be covered in layers of ceramic and built like a Leman Russ battletank, but the psycher can still move like a snake. Properzia squeals as green fire catches in her fur.
Pech swings around, his countless years of war warning him that the obvious threat is rarely the worst. Jumpropeman’s fist proves this right, hammering the marine’s head back as the ghost pops up. Following up on the haymaker with a one-two clobbering, JRM darts around Pech’s head, avoiding the wide sweeps of the sword.

“Learn to wear a helmet!” the ghost shouts the taunt in Pech’s face.
The marine grimaces, and spits a blast of acid-colored fire right into JRM’s face.

Momentarily stunned, the ghost is swatted across the arena by the force sword, his right arm hanging in ectoplasmic shreds.

Pech does not stop to crack wise. Screaming with pain and fury, he swings the sword in a wide arc, sending a wall of green fire cascading across the arena and into the stands. JRM can barely stay ahead of the twisting psychic assault. It flickers too close, and his left arm is melted into nothing. He turns, twists, finds himself encircled by emerald fire -
Until Properzia steps in.

The singed beast slams into Pech, sending the marine stumbling forward and allowing JRM to take off, arms slowly reforming from ghostly essence. Properzia swings again, claws skittering along the warrior’s armor once, twice, three times before catching a hold of his pauldron’s edge and putting all her force into levering the thing off. Pech screams wordlessly and drives his sword into the creature’s torso as his armor is yanked off in a spray of blood. His shoulder is wrecked - the Black Carapace below his skin was ripped up along with the pauldron. Green light flares, nova-like, and Properzia shudders horribly, dancing in psycho-electric torment. Pech tosses the body aside, swinging his sword free. Properzia twitches faintly, claws grasping at the dirt.
“You see, ghost? I burnt out its soul, and I’ll do the same to you. Come on out. You can’t hide from me. Coward!
Face me like the man you once were!”
But Pech is met with silence... until he hears something begin to rise behind him. Properzia props herself up, and raises claws sheathed in ghostly energy. Her eyes do not glow; they are instead the solid black of the ghost’s.
“Oh, she’ll be back in fighting shape soon enough, and until then, well, you know what they say, Pech. Possession’s nine-tenths of the law...”

Before Pech can respond, Jumproperzia (as we are now dubbing this possessed creature) leaps forward, her speed boosted to eye-watering levels, and slams her claws into his breastplate. The marine howls and staggers back from the impact. But the fairy armadillo is not done, and begins a long, slow climb up the marine’s torso, using her claws like ice picks. Pech slams his fists against the pink creature’s back in response, crushing it against his chest with a crack of shattered keratin and bone. Properzia responds in both the squeal of an injured armadillo and the yell of pain from a Jingle Spirit, and the small form falls off, prising a chunk of armour away as it descends. A second later, Jumproperzia is flying across the arena, having been drop-kicked by the space marine. The possessed animal lands somewhere in the stands, and the crowd parts like ripples in water.

Pech’s triumphant grin vanishes as Jumpropeman wills the armadillo back into the air, floating menacingly at head height. This time, Pech strikes first, extending his sword and channeling a bolt of green lightning from its tip. Jumproperzia jukes out of the way and lets the strike destroy a hot drugs stand instead, sending needles and powder everywhere. Pech snarls and raises his hand to send bolt of fire, but the fairy armadillo is suddenly in his face.

Literally.

One claw stabs just above the right eye, the river of blood blinding Pech as he is forced to close it. Another gouges a hole in his cheek, exposing the inside of his mouth. The rear claws scrabble at his jaw as Jumproperzia clings to the marine’s face like a furry Facehugger. Pech screams and drops his sword, desperately trying to prise the animal off, but it’s not happening any time soon. The claws begin to stab at his skull, trying to pierce through and end the fight quickly.

Bad move. A corona of green light bursts from Pech, and Properzia is thrown off. Pech’s face is a torn, bloodied mess, a factor not helped by his use of psychic powers, but he wastes no time in following his move with another bolt of lightning. This barely misses, but the heat is enough to scorch the side of the armadillo’s body, leaving charred fur and pink, bubbled flesh behind. Jumpropeman realises a new tack is needed. Hauling Properzia back into action, he begins to dart around Pech, using his supernatural abilities to make his pet move blindingly fast. He doubts the creature’s muscles can keep the act up for long, but it seems to be working – lots of new gouges are appearing in the marine’s armor, and exposed flesh and bodyglove are being torn at. Pech staggers initially, but soon the marine begins to weather the blows and stand still waiting for an opportune moment.

Soon, the possessed armadillo leaps to chest-height, trying to capitalise on the reduced integrity of the armour. This is the manoeuvre Pech has been waiting for. With a single swipe of his sword, he bisects the animal in two, the two halves falling at his feet. He hisses in triumph.

Jumpropeman reappears.

He looks furious.

And you don’t fuck with a ghost when there’s been a ghostplosion. Pech pales as Jumpropeman gathers his energy for the last leg of the fite…

His giant armadillo wrecked beyond use, Jumpropeman decides to up the ante and up his size. The ghost begins growing larger and larger, his red phrygian cap breaking through the cloud of green energy that filled the upper area of the arena.

Pech readied his sword to face the now giant Jingle Specter. Apparently, Jumpropeman thought being big would help him in a fite against someone who can easily hit a much smaller target. Pech charged forward and stabbed the ghost in the chest, leaving a huge gaping hole. The massive time spirit batted the marine away with his left arm, so Pech charged forward again, but the ghost pulled up his tail and let Pech run past. With a quick wave back around, the tail slammed Pech with the proportional strength of a whiptail lizard. Pech flew across the arena, but his psychic powers helped cushion some of the eventual slam against the wall.

Pech turned back around, his already bloody face now punctuated with a nosebleed from both being broken by the impact and the duress of his own psychic powers. Pech focused more on projectile fiting once more, and the clouds surrounding the phantom's head begin to crackle. Jumpropeman looks up at the sparking clouds and begins shrinking to avoid the storm, but then the lightning started striking. Green bolts of psychic energy strike the spirit, causing the ghost to convulse wildly from the blows.

As the specter continued shrinking and getting struck by lightning, Pech begins a dash towards the falling ghost. Channeling psyfire through his blade, Pech aimed upward and unleashes a plume of green flames.

Jumpropeman lit up like the 4th of July and Guy Fawkes Night put together.

The host of Fite Yer' Mates falls to the ground and tries the old tactic of stopping, dropping, and rolling, but the fire just isn't going out. The ghost then phases into the ground, and turns solid in the dirt. An "oof" is heard, but the crackle of the green flames disappears. Jumpropeman pokes his head out of the ground, specks of dirt now part of his anatomy. Pech is right next to the ghost's head and tries to stomp down, but the ghost disappears...

And then pops back out of the ground, and Pech tries again, and fails again. And then it happens again. It appears we have a game of Whack-a-Ghost! Pech keeps trying to stomp the ghost, but when he finally does, he finds something out. The ghost is immaterial, so his head goes right up into the boot. Yanking out some foot bones, JRM flies out and drops them in a taunting gesture.

"Let's find out what makes you tick!"

Jumpropeman flies through Pech, who desperately tries to slash the ghost with his blade. The Jingle Specter pops out the other end holding an organ, and drops it to go in for another pass. Jumpropeman flies in and out of Pech, carrying bones, organs, and what appear to be a device and some sort of shard. The spirit tosses all of them to the ground, but finally the marine's sword catches up with him.

The blade slashes off the ghost's tail, causing Jumpropeman to fall to the ground in pain. Pech looks around at his insides spilled on the ground as his internal systems struggle to handle the damage. Blood begins to spill out of Pech's ears as the green haze in the arena grows denser and more intense. Pech readies his blade, but Jumpropeman gets back up and phases into Pech's hand, materializing and snapping the wrist.

Unfortunately for the ghost, the brief materialization let Pech get the shot he needed. Even though he dropped the sword, Pech's psychic powers slammed down into his own wrist a massive bolt of electricity and fire. Pech's hand was decimated, leaving him armless from the shoulder down, but when the green smoke cleared, the distinct blueish-white smoke of Jumpropeman appeared.

The wisp that was the fallen ghost dissipated, leaving Pech alone in the arena with his insides and two halves of a giant armadillo on the ground. Pech picked up his sword with his remaining arm, and looked to where the last bit of blue smoke disappeared.

"I'm not dying tonight, ghost."

Gezora runs into the arena, carrying a hose to put out the fires the psychic storm had started.

"Gezora hopes St. Elmo's Rum will offset the psychic St. Elmo's fire!"

Gezora begins spraying down the arena with alcohol to try and douse the flames. It goes predictably bad, so it just gets the normal hose and sprays the arena down properly.

"Gezora's witty liquid choice goes unrewarded again."

Fite 46- Pugnat Imperator Musicus (Constantine XI vs. Eddie Riggs)

Welcome everyone! The last week of fites is upon us. Tonight's fite will be quite an interesting one, because we have lifted the one weapon limit! This rule-nulling had absolutely nothing to do with the fact that we couldn't convince Emperor Constantine to only bring one weapon to the fite!

Tonight's combatants are an emperor and a roadie. It may sound lopsided, but neither competitor is who they seem!

The emperor is Constantine XI Palaiologos, the last emperor of Byzantine. His Highness has brought with him many interesting weapons. His main weapon is a mace capable of spraying acidic orange juice, but he also had brought with him an osmium shield and a ceremonial spear. We may have also seen a crazy-looking rabbit poking out from within the emperor's armor.

The roadie is Eddie Riggs, a musician who can turn into a demon and has brought a gigantic axe and a mystical guitar to the battle. The guitar can play so many different magical types of music that it's always been on the line between weapon and basic item.

Now that you've met the fiters, let's get this battle underway! Constantine and Eddie, it's time to Fite Yer' Mate!

Constantine walks into the arena, waving a royal wave to the crowd before he readied his shield and mace. Eddie walks in after him, his guitar strapped to his back but his axe clasped firmly by both of his hands. Our referee Gezora gives the signal, and Fite Yer' Mates is underway!

Eddie slams forward with his axe, but it is immediately blocked by the strong shield of the emperor. Constantine swings forward with his mace, but Eddie reaches up and grabs the handle with one of his meaty hands. The two struggle briefly over the weapon, but Constantine quickly activates the orange juice spewing feature of his weapon. The acidic liquid rich in vitamin C shoots out, and Eddie quickly releases the weapon. His fingertips are splashed with a bit of the liquid though, and his right hand's fingers dissolve at their ends.

Eddie backs off and whips his guitar around, placing his axe on his back for the moment. Eddie tries to play a song, but his dissolved fingers make it a painful and bloody affair. He does manage to whip out one solo though: The Rock Block.

Constantine was charging forward with his spear, trying to reach Eddie while he wasted his time playing some song. What the Byzantine did not know was that the solo summoned from the ground giant rock structures, and in the middle of his charge, he found his spear hitting a large stone that shot out of the ground. The weapon snapped, and Constantine was quickly surrounded by a circle of rock structures similar to Stonehenge.

Constantine began hitting at the stones with his mace, trying to knock one down so he could find a way out, but he felt something stirring in his armor. He pulled out the tiny rabbit, whose face appeared to be changing shape. The rabbit was growing...

Eddie manages to play another song before his fingers were too messy for music: Drop a Deuce. His hot rod, the Druid Plow, comes slamming through an arena wall, and Eddie climbs into it and charges towards the rock structure, hoping to knock it down onto Constantine. But within the stone structure, the metal song had invigorated the rabbit further. It was growing massive, and as it grew, Constantine mounted the lagomorph like a horse.

The stone structures are pushed down, and Eddie had to veer out of the way to prevent his car from being crushed. The emperor's rabbit had grown huge, and now looked very familiar...

The partly reincarnated Black Rabboth hopped forward, chasing after Eddie as he drove the Druid Plow around the arena. The rabbit still didn't have the same amazing powers Hare Metal had, but it was still a huge fucking rabbit, and Eddie did not risk a direct confrontation. The hot rod zoomed around the rabbit's flanks firing projectiles of various sorts. The Disgorger fired blood, the Eye of Sorrow fired its ammo, and the Bolt Thrower blasted towards the bunny with electricity. The rabbit leaped over the volleys though and landed on the front end of the car. The rabbit roared perhaps the weirdest roar ever heard as it lashed forward with its distorted face.

Eddie leaps out of the plow, slamming his axe into the rabbit's face. The rabbit faltered, but was not dead, but it gave enough time for Eddie to leap up onto it and knock Constantine XI off. The rabbit busied itself with destroying the car as Eddie lashed out with his axe once more, but a strong mace swing hit Eddie square in the jaw, breaking bone and burning skin as orange juice continued flowing out. Eddie feels his soul patch dissolve and quickly rubs off the acid as best he can with his shirt. Of course, Constantine just used this chance to drive his mace into his opponent's stomach.

Eddie fell to the ground, his wind knocked out of him. Constantine raised his mace to deliver a crushing blow to Eddie's skull, but the rabbit launched towards the roadie. It had finished with Eddie's rig and now focused on Eddie Riggs. He scooped Eddie up into his jaws, causing Constantine's mace to slam uselessly into the dirt. The rabbit swallowed Eddie whole, ingesting the metal power of the gifted roadie.

Constantine looks disapprovingly at the rabbit, but uses the moment to dust off his armor. An emperor should always look regal, even in the middle of the battle! He watched as the rabbit's flesh and fur melted off, his rabbit-like body shifting more and more to look like his form as a Zoofighter.

Suddenly, an axe shoots out of the rabbit's back. Really, the rabbit swallowed Eddie and his AXE too! Not very smart, but he is just a bunny. Two demonic hands shoot out and pull the rabbit open. The bunny falls to the ground dead as the now demonic Eddie stood in its wrecked stomach, his axe at the ready. Constantine charged forward, the acidic orange juice spewing out in front of him to try and burn the demonic roadie, but it ended up making the ground in front of him acidic as well. Constantine's boots dissolved as Eddie dodged the spray with ease.

The axe of the demon slammed down on Constantine's back, pushing him directly into the acidic beverage face-first. Constantine rolled off of it quickly, but his entire front was now burning away from the orange liquid's effects. Constantine pulls himself up, but his body is failing. He swings his mace forward one more time, managing to crack a few of Eddie's ribs, but the emperor's limbs are getting weaker from dissolving flesh and muscle.

Eddie kicks the emperor away before the mace could fire more juice, but Constantine grabs Eddie's axe and pulls it away from him. Constantine falls down, but quickly gets back up, now wielding the axe and his mace. His arms are weak, but now he held all the weapons in this fite!

He lunges forward, trying to do some damage even if he couldn't put any strength behind the two weapons. Eddie backed up, unable to truly strike back with anything but his one good demonic claw, but that would require putting himself in Constantine's range.

Eddie reached towards his back and pulled out his guitar. Quickly, he tried to play it, but his hand was too messed up by now from the acid earlier. Eddie just switched his hands, and although it was still difficult, and the guitar strings were now coated in his blood, he managed one riff. Constantine slammed the axe forward, slicing the guitar's strings and breaking the instrument, but the solo had been played.

Constantine slammed Eddie to the ground with his mace. The emperor stood above the defenseless demon roadie, both weapons raised, but suddenly he dropped them. His face was changing. It was melting! Eddie had played the Facemelter solo! Constantine screamed a loud "NOOOOO!!!!" as his face melted off of his skull.

The emperor fell to his knees, his melted face now on the ground before him. Before he could completely die though, something descended from the heavens. Constantine's body was shrouded by holy energy. An angel descended down and turned the emperor into a marble statue, looking as pristine as he did when the match started. The angel carried Constantine XI Palaiologos away to a cave beneath the Earth where he could rest until he could one day avenge his loss in the arena.

Or until, you know, he decides he wants to come back.

Eddie wins the match though!

"Congratulations, but Gezora recommends being more careful with the range of your attacks next time."

Fite 45 (Guest Writer: Designate_5)- Tiny Guys with Giant Rides (Meat Boy on Little Horn vs. Kirby in Tankbot)

“Welcome to the arena! I am your announcer tonight, Designate Five. After the live commentary for the big race, I thought I might try my hand. Today we’ve got two of the Bar’s most geometrically regular regulars. In the northeast corner (I checked): the pink spheroid that is known as The Devourer of All, Mouth of Eternity, Ravener and Preserver, the Hungering Champion of Dreams, the Pink Singularity, Kirby!

And, in the southwest corner, needing little introduction: Meat Boy. An inexplicably agile cube of rapidly-respawning meat known for surviving the impossible on the twenty-odd try!”

The arena is empty. Utterly so. Empty enough that one can see the pebbles bouncing up and down as the arena floor vibrates...

“By corners I don’t mean actual corners. Just directions. Because they have yet to arrive. Apparently there’s an issue involving the relative sizes of the arena door and Kirby’s tankbot, compounded by his lack of thumbs to steer with. In any case, after everything that’s been going on, I have made sure to ghostproof the arena, which has the effect of annoying Jumpropeman and trapping myself inside until I take down the psychocordon.

As for a little bit of rules clarification: whomever is immobilized or slain by their opponent first wins. No outside help. And, lastly, most importantly, both contestants have made sure– “

THWONK

“Sorry about that. Rebecca here. With all due respect to Comrade Skullface, this commentary has gone far enough. It’s a crime against public spectacle. I’m going to let the fight speak for itself unless I feel compelled to yell at something, which I may.”

“Give that to me. I hadn’t finished with my–“

THWONK

“...fine. Just know that I can’t feel pain, so that chair’s getting singed for nothing.”

THOOM

This time, it’s a bit bigger than a chair.

Kirby bursts through the wall of the arena, the tankbot’s engine growling. Simultaneously, the floor of the arena itself erupts into two massive, meaty fists as Little Horn punches its way right up out of Hades, Meat Boy standing tall on its back. The thing is less monster than moving mountain, a massive stitched-together bulk of solid undifferentiated red meat, punctuated by glowing red eyes and a screaming mouth like a car-crusher lined with tombstone-sized teeth. Kirby steers hard to the left, the tankbot barely swerving aside in time to avoid the gaping jaws. Meat Boy gesticulates wildly, and Little Horn swings, raw red fist barely missing the speeding tank and spraying red juice across a swathe of the audience. Kirby hits the brakes and swings right, lining up a massive haymaker from the tankbot’s pneumatic fist.

 Reeling, Little Horn braces itself and brings a spongy crimson fist around, hammering the tank to one side and follows up with another. Kirby blocks one with a metal fist, then another, and the two get to exchanging massive blows. Tankbot is driven back, hammered back and forth to the boom of connecting meaty fists. Every strike is deafening; if Kirby had ears, he’d be in incredible pain. Nevertheless, the machine gets in a few surgical jabs of its own, sending a few more of Little Horn’s teeth flying. Kirby isn’t doing so well, however, as every buffet from the swinging beast still sends the Dream Warrior flying across his cockpit dome. Meat Boy is sitting pretty on Little Horn’s shoulder, letting the beast carry the day. He gestures, and the massive thing grapples the tankbot, holding it back with one hand while it wails on the cockpit. Silver cracks spread in a web over the glass, and Kirby frantically hammers the controls as the monster shatters his protective cover.

Meat Boy grins hugely as Little Horn raises the tank up and pitches it backwards across the arena- and Kirby vaults out of the cockpit, the lighter-than-air combatant passing right over the stunned beast as his tank is launched backwards into the wall with a sound like metal thunder. Meat Boy is always alert to sharp objects, heavy objects, or anything moving at any speed, really, and leaps over Kirby onto the edge of Little Horn’s forehead. Kirby slides forward in a low kick, and Meat Boy jumps over him again, as Little Horn reaches up to deal with the tiny enemy and is stopped short.
It appears Kirby activated the tankbot’s autopilot, as it just let out a volley of missiles right into Little Horn’s massive, misshapen features, the explosions making a horrific organic popping sound as they detonate undead flesh. Tankbot revs forward at high speeds, slamming Little Horn backwards in turn, his long and dripping arms straining to hold back the machine. Kirby somersaults down onto Little Horn’s arm, pursued by a furiously charging Meat Boy. The two pummel each other wildly, Kirby favoring long, hooking kicks and aerial maneuvers, while Meat Boy tries to land punches with his stubby-but-strong fists. All the while Little Horn’s arm pitches and shakes as the tankbot revs mindlessly forward, driving the meat-amalgamation back.

Kirby swings again, connecting, just as Little Horn backhands the tankbot away, landing it crooked in the hole of Meat Boy’s dynamic entrance. Bruised, Meat Boy goes flying off the titanic fleshbeast, but Kirby is sent spinning by a backhanded wave of the arm as Little Horn flails into a sitting position.

For a moment, there is silence as the dust settles. The air tastes of salt and iron.

Little Horn is shot full of holes, the whole thing dripping and barely mobile.Meat Boy jumps onto its head and tries to spur it on, but to no avail. The massive mouth drools red slurry and groans mindlessly. Kirby meanwhile has taken the controls again and has the tankbot halfway out of the hole, and is slowly turning the damaged war machine to face Meat Boy.

“Wait, what the hell is this!? MEAT BOY JUST THREW HIMSELF INTO HORN’S MOUTH! IS THIS A SURRENDER!?”

“Well, technically no... it has to be Kirby who takes him out.”

“What? Alright, Comrade Skullface, what’s going on then?”

“Well, Meat Boy is quite good at regenerating...”

Splortch. Meat Boy respawns... And a small hole in Little Horn is suddenly filled by the former Meat Boy body. He jumps into the massive mouth again... and again... Kirby is frantically trying to make the tank move faster. Little Horn isn’t entirely whole, but it’s standing up, the huge mass looming over the dented machine. Kirby throws the missile bay open, and one last rocket shoots out to splatter a few more feet of arena with red. Little Horn roars defiance, and leaps into the air, coming down in front of the tank with a thunderous splatting. Kirby leaps out of the cockpit again, just in time to avoid a massive two-handed smash that puts the tankbot halfway underground. Little Horn brings his fist down in a hammerblow, and Kirby can barely avoid it. Then the red rain begins, massive fist after massive fist leaving an abstract pattern of red splodges across the arena floor as Kirby runs, jumps, and slides for his life. Meat Boy, more alert after Kirby’s hand-to-hand attack last time, is making his way sneakily towards the tankbot. If he shuts off the autopilot that even now has all its servos whirring to pull itself out of the ground, there’s nothing to worry about.

Except Kirby. The spherical creature dodges left, right, right again, and stalls as the massive Little Horn ceases the barrage. It grins, and raises its arms spread wide, and brings them together with the sound of a skydiving elephant moments after his parachute fails to take hold. Kirby is nowhere to be seen... until the great hands move aside to reveal the pink circle of a perfectly flat puffball where Kirby had ducked under the attack. Leaping up, he delivers a solid kick to Little Horn’s eye and inflates, quickly gaining altitude beyond Little Horn’s reach. The creature moans, holding its eye, and Kirby relaxes and scans the arena.

 Almost, Meat Boy, almost. Kirby deflates, letting his enemy fly past. A round foot comes up to meet him, and Meat Boy abruptly and painfully changes trajectory with a soggy thwack. Meat Boy is helpless as Kirby ducks and spins around him in midair, pummeling his spongy body. Trapped by the vagaries of Newton, Meat Boy can do nothing but drop at 9.8 meters per second, as Kirby flaunts natural law with impunity. Kirby air-juggles masterfully, and it looks like Meat Boy can’t take much more of it.

On the ground below, Little Horn gets an idea. Stomping over to the tankbot, he slams his hands down on either side of the struggling machine, and heaves. Straining to lift the tank over his head, and ignoring the blows of its fists on his massive hands, Little Horn takes aim, and hurls the tank upwards.

Kirby hears a slight whistling sound before the tank plows into him, but it’s too late to respond. The tank arcs lazily overhead, with Kirby pinned to it, and lands on the far side of the arena. Meat Boy lands, dazed but still alive, and turns to face his pinned foe. Kirby pulls himself free, sets his feet, and the two face off. Little Horn looms up behind Meat Boy, and the tankbot, its treads totaled in the crash, swings its fists futilely.

Kirby inhales.

The sound starts small, like air whistling through a cracked window, but quickly rises, shooting past the sound of wind through the trees, the roar of a wind tunnel, the howl of a typhoon, until the air seems to tear itself apart. The audience cling desperately to their stands, loose articles of clothing flying down into the ring, and the structure itself moans in agony. Meat Boy is running hard away from the pink black hole, and not making any ground. Little Horn, too massive to be affected, shifts forward and begins to raise an arm to crush the immobile foe... and a chunk of meat flies off.

 The eldritch stitching holding together the physical residue of Meat Boy’s failures begins to unpick under the strain of Kirby’s inhalation, the frankensteinian creation dissolving as its component parts are ripped free of their mooring. In a wave of mutilation the entire thing loses definition, Little Horn collapsing in a flood of chunky redness.

Kirby stops inhaling, and lets out a satisfied puff of air. Meat Boy is left standing in the ruin of his horrific creature, and the tankbot is pulling itself up into place for combat.

Kirby grins, and waves. Meat Boy’s eyes narrow.

“Oh, looks like Kirby’s got that cube right where he wants him. Meat Boy’s got no real offensive capacity. The only question is, how long will it take Kirby to catch him? That blob can dodge pretty much anything!”

“I thought you weren’t going to commentate.”

“Shut it, it was appropriate to the moment.”

Meat Boy charges, amid the wreckage of Little Horn, but Kirby easily avoids him. The tankbot takes aim as Meat Boy runs past. Kirby, chasing Meat Boy, smiles hugely. The little red survivor has nowhere to run; he spins, facing his opponent, and charges again. Kirby, rather than trying to avoid him, lashes out, and the tankbot launches one last punch before its batteries die.

And it looks like this was Meat Boy’s plan! Kirby has been flattened, and Meat Boy is still standing, albeit a few teeth worse for wear.

MEAT BOY WINS!

WHIRRRRRRR

It appears Gezora is blending something... Wait, are those dead Meat Boys from Little Horn's body?

"This meat isn't rotten, it has experience! Come get your Meatshakes to celebrate Meat Boy's victory!"

A second later, Kirby pops up next to Meat Boy with a splort. Looks like that meat gave him instant respawn powers!

He still lost, though.

Fite 44 - And On That Farm He Had Some Ninjas... (Stella and Rain vs. The Sheep and The Consumer)

It was a dark and not-stormy-at-all night. Rain and Stella arrived at the abandoned barn designated for their match tonight. Whispers passed into their ears guided them here rather then the traditional arena. When they walked in, they found Gezora standing there, with a few Snappers nearby to record the night's events.

Tonight the ninja couple would be fiting two very strange animals. One was a sheep known to have dark powers who death just seemed to ignore. The wooly mammal had crawled out of Stella's stomach during its last revival and earned the couple's ire, but now it brought to this battle the Golden Sphere of Seti, an artifact capable of increasing its owner's power fourfold. The sheep had a strange ally, a pig who hardly anyone knew anything about. It was referred to as The Consumer, and it brought with it only the Australian Paralysis Ticks that it carried in its fur.

The two humans knew they would have to be well armed for the fite tonight. Stella had brought with her a Blaze Gun, a weapon capable of firing both bullets and magical fire spells. Her husband, Rain, brought with him a Zwill Crossblade, an odd shaped sword that channeled the wind and could put foes to sleep. Stella also knew many ninja spells, and Rain could manipulate water and lightning. Hopefully that would be enough to combat their supernatural foes.

The sheep appeared first. At first, it was no bigger than a flea, but it grew sporadically into its regular shape. Before it sat the sphere, its power yet to be tapped. The Consumer appeared suddenly beside its partner. He seemed to arrive as smoke, which formed slowly into its anthropomorphic pig form. The pig stood next to the sheep, neither one seeming to care much about the ninjas' arrival. Rain and Stella readied their weapons.

Its time for Rain and Stella to fite the Sheep and The Consumer. It's time for Fite Yer' Mates.

 VS.

Stella and Rain nod to each other and quickly go after predetermined foes. Stella shot the Golden Sphere of Seti, sending the orb rolling away from the sheep. The Sheep baaed and chased after it, but Stella quickly opened fire as the sheep walked directly into her sights. A fire spell shoots out at the sheep, but the spell fails to catch on the naturally flame-resistant wool of the sheep. The spell does, however, continue past beyond the sheep. The old barn is quickly lit by the flames, illuminating the entire creaky building.

Rain charged directly towards The Consumer, his crossblade flying directly towards the pig's face. The pig snorted as the ninja approached, and a few of its ticks scurried off of its body. Rain lunged with his sword, but the pig quickly fell to the ground, tripping the running ninja and causing him to land on the fallen pig's hooves. The Consumer tossed Rain against one of the burning barn walls, but Rain quickly shifted into a watery form. Dousing a few of the flames, Rain oozes towards the Consumer in this form. Various small bits of grass are picked up by the water, and so are a few little ticks...

Stella continues opening fire on the sheep, a few bullets landing in the sheep's side. The sheep doesn't seem to notice even as some of its wool is dyed red by its own blood. It just ran towards the orb. Stella disappeared and reappeared directly in the sheep's path. She tries to pull her Blaze Gun for a point blank shot at the sheep's face, but the lanigerous mammal simply pushes her down and walks right over her. The sheep reaches the orb as Stella stands up to dust off the hoof marks.

The woolen creature activates the orb...

The Consumer, meanwhile, is being surrounded by a different orb. The liquid Rain is trying to drown the pig, but the pig manages to hold its breath. Rain begins pushing against different parts of the pig, snapping bones and leaving bruises as the watery ninja tries his best to kill the pig quickly. The pig opens its mouth and begins to drink in the ninja. Rain is not too happy to be sucked into the pig's stomach, but he'd be able to do a lot of damage in there. Rain flows into the pig's body entirely, but is quickly horrified to find out the pig's stomach contents.

Chunks of flesh and metal of his friends and acquaintances. It had been said that the pig might have been feeding on the lost limbs of fiters past, but flowing directly into the chunks of meat that once were your friends is a lot more disturbing than just hearing about it. The Consumer chuckled, realizing that Rain had stumbled upon his older meals, and quickly regurgitated the entire watery ninja. Rain reformed into his human shape and was going to lay into the pig when he heard a shriek from Stella.

The sheep had grown huge and was charging towards Stella wildly. The ninja girl opened fire with her gun, but the bullets failed to slow it. All it did was make flows of blood stream behind the charging ungulate. Rain quickly abandoned his attempt at killing the well-dressed swine and dashed over to help his wife, but he felt something odd. The paralysis ticks who had crawled into ninja's water form now had easy access to his flesh beneath the full-body suit. The ticks bite down, causing parts of the ninja's body to suddenly go stiff.

Rain realized quickly what was happening and turned the parts of his body the ticks had paralyzed into water. A chunk of his arm, chest, and leg fell to the ground as stagnant water. The ticks crawled out of the water and back to their master as Rain limped as best he could to help Stella fite the giant sheep.

Stella had turned invisible to try and avoid the sheep, but the creature still pursued her. She ran around the burning barn as best she could, but the fires were dying. Darkness was starting to take the barn, and Stella bumped right into The Consumer as she fled. The Consumer snorted in glee at the woman's arrival, and Stella opened fire on THIS mammal at point blank range. Bullets tear through the pig's stomach, causing its contents to spill out onto the ground around Stella. Stella screamed in horror as she saw the very same horrors Rain had seen earlier.

The pig woozily wobbled from receiving such a blow, but it hadn't come to help the sheep, it hadn't come to kill Rain. The Consumer came to this battle for only one reason: To find out what Stella's flesh tasted like.

The wounded pig grabbed Stella with his hooves and pulled the female ninja into the darkness. Stella shrieked, but the shrieks were quickly cut off...

The Sheep was busy distracting the injured Rain. Rain was scaling the ungulate's body, stabbing the crossblade into the wooly hide of the beast to gain leverage. The sheep had no way to attack the ninja on its side, but it did try to shake him off. Rain was unable to hear Stella's shriek due to the loud baas of his opponent, so he had no idea she had disappeared.

From the view of the audience, it looked like it was now just Rain vs. the Sheep, but neither Stella or The Consumer had been declared to be KOed.

Gunshots. Flashes of flames. Silhouettes could barely be seen in the darkness. Squishing sounds, chunks of pig fly out of the dark. A call for help. Snorts of both pain and pleasure.

A shriek cut short.

A sickening thud.

The sound of weak footsteps, and the sound of a body being dragged.

A couple ticks scuttle out of the darkness.

A large thud and a groan of wood as something is placed on a table.

Chatter of tiny bugs as they form together into silverware.

A sickening sound of flesh cut open and bones snapped.

Chewing.

Swallowing.

The darkness begins to fade...

The silverware made of ticks held Stella's insides in place with their mouths until the pig could consume them himself, only for the food to fall back out of the hole in his stomach. The pig clung to life, but there was one thing that kept him from dying: the urge to finish his meal.

Rain looks down from atop the Sheep behemoth. He screams in horror, seeing your wife laying on a table being devoured by a swine can make a man do that. Giving up momentarily on his pursuit to kill the sheep, Rain leaps down and begins hurling lightning bolts at the pig.

All of them hit the pig, sending the pig back away from the open corpse of the poor female ninja. The pig's flesh was burnt to a crisp as Rain repeatedly launched lightning into the pig, tears forming in the ninja's eyes. The pig began snorting, but it was not out of pain. It was laughter. Rain ran up and grabbed the pig by its neck and held it up. For a brief moment, the hurt eyes of the ninja look into the pleased eyes of the pig. The pig never spoke, but Rain somehow heard a message from the mind of The Consumer.

"She tasted terrible."

Rain jams his sword into the pig's exposed heart, and the pig dies immediately. It disappears into smoke, it's purpose served. The sheep looked over curiously at the whole incident. It absentmindedly chewed cud as it watched, but it betrayed no emotion. Some of the bullet holes in its skin began healing up, pushing the metal out of its flesh. It saw the few remaining ticks from the pig's fur.

It ate them. Why not? They looked delicious.

Rain turned to the sheep, his eyes blinded by the tears he was shedding for his fallen bride. The previously paralyzed bits of his body reformed from their watery form and reattached themselves in their proper places.

With his blade freshly stained with the blood of the pig, Rain prepared to take down the sheep; the one who started all of this. The sheep's wounds had healed, and Rain's body was reformed. It was as if their battle had just begun...

Rain could hardly see the sheep from behind the tears, so he quickly seized the tears with his powers and shot them forward. The darts of water tore through the sheep's back leg, causing the beast to kneel before the demigod. Rain charged towards the ruminant while launching thunderbolts at the sheep, but the sheep's wool seemed to absorb it. Out of the sheep's mouth it shot back the stream of electricity, and Rain was slammed to the ground by the shock.

Rain quickly noted that the sheep would not be able to be killed with lightning, but he still had water and his sword. Rain resumed his approach to the sheep, who kicked out with its front hooves. The two hooves kept missing though, since their huge mass made it easy for the ninja to see them coming. The sheep decided to take a new approach, and the two massive front hooves split into thousands of tinier hooves. They extended forward on legs much longer than before and slammed into the ninja, who didn't have time to dodge them all.

Bruises appeared all over Rain's body as he desperately swings at the assaulting legs with his crossblade. Many were severed, but more and more of them kept coming. Rain quickly forms a shield of water around himself and shoots it outward, briefly redirecting the thousand-hoof assault. Now limping again, Rain tried to close the distance, but the hooves were back around him. Rain sighed in exasperation and began hacking off more in his best attempt to protect himself, but after severing a certain hoof, he noticed something odd. The other hooves fell down and retreated back into the sheep's body, forming into the two front hooves once more, albeit bloody and full of cuts. The sheep's eyes closed, and a light snore was heard.

The Zwill Crossblade had inflicted sleep! No wonder the narrator was so careful to constantly mention that blade's aspect!

Rain looked relieved, but he hadn't forgot his mission. Quickly, he scaled the massive sheep once more, this time using only the sheep's own wool to climb it so he didn't risk waking it with pain. Rain climbed to the top and approached the head of the sleeping ruminant with silent footsteps. He hefted his crossblade up and slammed it into the sheep's skull!

But it only got as far as the skull. Something was stopping it from going deeper. Out of the open wound, the ticks began to crawl out droves. A plethora of them were holding the blade in place with their mandibles as the others charged towards Rain. Rain abandoned his crossblade bone-deep in the sheep's head and leaped off. The ticks begin to dig their feet into the sheep's fur, and the sheep is awoken by the pain.

The Sheep stands back up, its back leg now mended by having its nerve replaced with ticks. Those ticks can just be whatever they want to be, huh? A bit inspiring if it wasn't so horrifying.

The sheep looked towards the unarmed Rain, who was now retreating to Stella's corpse. Briefly asking forgiveness of his dead wife, he took the gun from her body. He briefly considered kissing it on the forehead, but parts of it were broken open and... well I'm sure you can imagine by yourself how terrible her corpse looks after a pig ate it with tick silverware, so let's move on...

Rain aimed the gun at the sheep's head and opened fire. Bullets tore into both of the sheep's eyes, replacing the beady black orbs with huge clusters of lead. The ticks on its fur went to work removing the bullets though, prying them free of the eyes and quickly hooking themselves in as replacement eyes for the sheep, yanking optic nerves to make rudimentary images of the fite. It looked a bit like stick figures to the sheep, but it didn't need to see too much to know where to attack. The sheep jumped forward and pinned the ninja with its front hoof, but more bullets tore into it.

The sheep bleated in pain and backed off quickly. The ticks did their best to clean up, but the sheep was losing too much blood too quickly. It didn't help that it tanked so many gunshots earlier against Stella either. The sheep was dying, and Rain could tell. Rain stood up and slowly walked up to gargantuan ungulate. Two darts of water shot the front hooves and floored the sheep, and Rain aimed directly into the sheep's face.

"Die, you son of a bitch."

Rain was about to pull the trigger, but his hand suddenly changed... into a cloven hoof. The gun fell from his hand. His other hand was now a hoof. A strange but familiar smoke filled the entire barn as his body continued shifting...

Fur.

A snout.

Droopy ears.

Hooves for feet.

A twisted tail.

Rain was shifting into a pig-like form akin to the Consumer's. The sheep looked up at the transforming Rain, whose gut was growing outwards. The sheep pulled itself up into a sit. The massive sheep, its wounds barely blocked from spilling the rest of its lifeblood, reached forward and lifted the porcine ninja up. Rain did not scream, he snorted.

The sheep's powerful hooves crushed the skull of Rain easily.

A triumphant baa, and the sheep shrunk back down to its normal size. This killed quite a few ticks, but they didn't seem to be needed any longer. The sheep looked perfectly fine. It began munching on some burnt hay as it looked at Gezora.

"... Gezora is getting tired of this."

Fite 43- Hell Hath No Fury Like These Two Bastards (Jaxx vs. Sister Alice)

Okay everyone, we can't put this fite off anymore. For the benefit of the crowd, we have constructed large protective steel walls between the stands and the arena. We've done our best to protect the audience, referee, and our host. Enchantments have been cast, shamans have been bribed, symbols and wards have been placed. Tonight, we can only hope the fite stays within the confines of the arena, or else we all might be forced to go through a living hell.

These precautions are being taken because of tonight's two fiters, their destructive powers, and their all around apathy towards everyone who is here to witness the battle. One of them is Jaxx, a Sentinel whose powers pretty much go as far as he tries to push them. He brought with him two Berettas, but we doubt he'd even need two guns to kill anyone we could put in front of him.

His opponent for the evening is a blind nun. But not just any blind nun, Jaxx shall be fiting Sister "Black" Alice, a nun whose powers are mostly a mystery but she has been known to freak everyone out. She refused weapons, which makes us fear her even more, for she must have some trick up her sleeve if she is relying on her own strength and power to fite such a powerful foe.

But let us get this over with so we can go huddle in a corner and cry sooner rather than later. People, I am afraid to present for you the fite between Jaxx and Sister Alice. Time for you two to Fite Yer' Mate!

Sister Alice is standing in the middle of the arena, her blind eyes moving about but not seeing anything. Jaxx is leaning against one of the reinforced walls of the arena, smoking the last bit of an odd smelling cigarette. Looking directly at the nun, he takes a moment to try and see if she was readying any trickery. People seemed to always want to take him down because they had something to prove, so now he was wondering why this nun challenged him.

"What otherworldly shit are you smoking, you cowardly prick? Why don't you just land the first blow already, or are you afraid of a brittle old lady?" By the way, we forgot to mention: Viewer Discretion is Advised. These two competitors are pottymouths! The nun taunts the Sentinel, causing Jaxx to smoke the rest of the drug in an instant and began a slow walk over to the old lady. Sister Alice crosses her arms as Jaxx casually approaches her.

Jaxx walks right up to the old lady, until they are almost face to face. Neither of them moves for a while, Jaxx staring down the old woman, while Sister Alice stared right through him with her unseeing eyes. Jaxx felt a great pressure on his mind, but ignored it.

Jaxx jams his hand right into Sister Alice, but does not form a wound. He is not trying to hurt the nun's body, he's aiming for her soul, trying to reach into the abstract part of her that would house her spirit. His hand pops out of the other end grasping... Nothing.

"Looking for a soul?" Sister Alice laughs, and grabs Jaxx's arm, her fingernails digging into the flesh like iron claws... because apparently they are iron claws! Jaxx tries to pull his arm out of her, but it appears trapped in its abstract tomb after it failed to grasp a nonexistent soul. The fingernails tear flesh from the Sentinel's arm, but the pain seemed less than it should have been, even for a being so accustomed to it like Jaxx. Alice, though, seemed to be bending over in pain. She was absorbing some of the pain... but why?

"You think you got it tough, you overconfident brat? You've made your own bed, but I absorb the emotions of everyone around me, and I know exactly how to get into that sad excuse of a brain you have." Sister Alice takes his arm out of her body and jams her own arm into Jaxx's chest. Unlike Jaxx though, she doesn't have the ability to pluck souls from people's chests, so she ends up making a rather large, bloody hole in the man's solar plexus. She grasps one of his celiac ganglia, causing the Sentinel to wheeze as if the wind was knocked out of him.

"I know every fucked up thing you've done, boy, and I'm not impressed." Sister Alice begins slitting nerve fibers with her razor sharp nails, but Jaxx reaches towards the nun's arm. Holding the wrinkled wrist still, Jaxx brings his other hand down in a chop, severing the flesh and muscle up to a point, where his hand hits something.

"You have metal bones too, you cocky bitch?" Jaxx, instead of breaking the iron-like bone, bends it backwards so her hand pointed towards herself. The nun quickly kicked Jaxx in the naughty bits, causing him to let go and back off. Sister Alice tugged at the irregularly bent arm, but it appeared stuck in its odd new position. It's at this point that Jaxx draws his two pistols and opened fire on the old woman.

A couple bullets go into her habit and seem to disappear, but she quickly dodges the others with a quick forward burst of speed. She ends up right in front of Jaxx, and she exploits his brief moment of surprise to knock both pistols out of his hands. Black blood oozed out from within her habit, and veins on her head visibly throbbed from the duress of absorbing both of their pain and from the stress of moving so quickly. In fact, one of the veins on her forward seemed to be leaking a bit of thick black blood...

And then is when her empathic power lost its hold. The thoughts of almost one third of New York flowed into Jaxx's mind, causing him to stumble to the ground from the sudden mental assault. Sister Alice seemed a bit calmer now that the emotions of others where shared with her opponent, but unfortunately, Jaxx is not the only one to feel the effects. Members of the audience begin to cringe as the thoughts flow into their minds. It figures we didn't prepare well enough to block all of their powers...

Sister Alice goes to Jaxx, who is lying prone on the ground. Rather than going for some easy kill though, she begins to lecture him!

"You think you are pretty hot shit, don't you Jaxx? You always go around like you own the place because you tell a bunch of stories to spook the only people who would ever even consider calling you a friend. And what do you do to back up these stories? You get floored by a midget knight with an eating disorder and get your mind raped by a sheep with a hook. You get fucked over by the fat little girl who thinks she is the cutest thing god ever shat out, but you have the gall to act like everyone is alive because you said so.

You are easier to hurt than a legless puppy in a pit of needles. Your mind is just a paradise of angsty trash and you balance it out by telling everyone you don't give a shit, but in your head you bawl worse than a burning orphan. You build yourself up as a badass because you know we know you aren't all that, and then you go ripping people's souls out to prove you ain't got a tiny dick.

You killed god? Whoop dee fucking doo. Half the people I know have killed stronger beings, beings who could kill you without even trying. You sit around telling gross out stories of conquests like a 7 year old eating worms: You just want the fucking attention. One day you'll grow up and realize you are just an overcompensating wart on this universe's hide and do us the favor of blowing your own brains out."

Jaxx appeared to be on the verge of tears. Wait... he is crying! Holy crap! Someone has done the impossible! Someone had made Stonewall Jaxx cry!

Wait, Jaxx is standing up. He wipes away the few tears that did form and looks down at the ground, his eyes obscured by darkness.

Sister Alice readies to lay on more insulting and curse-riddled sentences when Jaxx's arm juts out and rips her jaw off. Her dark blood drips from the wound like molasses as Jaxx tosses her jaw off to the side and looks back up.

"You talk too much."

The thoughts of others still flowed through both of their heads. Banal thoughts about crushes and inside jokes are counteracted by the pains of traumatized victims of horrid crimes. It seemed, though, that both of them had learned to handle the extreme burden of carrying other people's thoughts in their heads. The crowd, of course, is another story, but our two competitors stood in the arena, motionless after Jaxx removed the nun's jaw.

Jaxx walks slowly towards her and then grabs the oddly bent hand, shaping it back to normal and shaking it mockingly.

"I have to hand it to you, you old broad. You sure know how to bore me. Your long-winded speech, did you plagiarize that? I've been getting shit like that for centuries, and just because you found out a new way to fuck with my head doesn't mean your rant is going to do any more to me than they did. By the way, I didn't cry because of your meaningless words. I cried because you smell like a shit-soaked onion."

Jaxx lets go of the arm and slugs the nun right in the face. Sister Alice is launched across the arena into one of the metal walls. Jaxx is quickly beneath her, catching her before she fell and jamming both of his arms into her stomach. Jaxx bends vital bones out of shape, but the nun seems unperturbed. She kicks off her shoes and jabs them forward, her surprisingly long toenails matching the sharpness of the nails on her fingers.

The nails tear holes into Jaxx's abdominals, causing his grip on the nun's bones to weaken enough for her to kick herself out of his grasp. She fell to the ground, the habit barely covering the obviously gaping wound now present in her midriff. Jaxx's Berettas reappear in his hands, and he begins unloading clips of ammunition into the nun on the ground.

The jawless old woman trembles from all the pain, but she is not done yet. She gathers her remaining strength and leaps up onto Jaxx. Her claws dig once more into his chest, which she tears open in a gory display. Ribs are heard cracking as the nun opens up Jaxx's midsection like she was about to perform a back alley open heart surgery on him. Jaxx cringed but still seemed able to stand despite the gallons of blood they both have lost in this fite.

The sister begins tearing apart organs with her claws, but Jaxx just smirks. He reaches out and grabs the nun's legs and yanks them off. "Hope that didn't give that fucking ghost host some sort of jollies," says Jaxx as he discard the legs and watches the nun fall off him and onto the ground. He jabs his fingers into her back and lifts her up.

"It's been a wonderfully boring time, you insufferable geezer, but I think its time to stop making these audience members puke from having to see your dry ass face." Jaxx begins to pull the nun apart, and as he does so, the blind eyes of the nun somehow seem to lose the light they never really had. Members of the audience feel relief from the pain her loose empathic powers inflicted on them as black blood begins spurting from the nun's habit. Jaxx is pulling the nun in two, and even against the metallic bones, he seems to have no trouble accomplishing the act.

Jaxx tosses aside the two halves of the nun, since he's been tossing her other parts to the side and might as well keep up the trend now that he's won the fite. Jaxx is about to leave the arena to do something about that gaping hole in his chest when Gezora stops him.

Its voice sounds oddly like Sister Alice's...

"You may have been able to beat me, but we both know the truth behind your life. If you had any guts you would just rip your own soul out right now and make everyone's life better, but we both know that cowardice plagues your mind like AIDS plagues Africa. This sad excuse for a referee is more brave than you. The moment your powers fail you, you end up retreating into the false belief that you can't die in hopes that believing it will make it true. One day you will get your comeuppance, and I'll be laughing my ass of when you do."

Whatever controlled Gezora left it, as did the nun get-up he briefly had inexplicably worn. Sister Alice released the cuttlefish, her last message to her opponent being delivered.

Fite 42- Bringing a Bug to a Knife Fight (Widow Maker vs. Red Spy)

Are you ready? Because it's time for another fite!

Tonight in the arena, two longtime friends shall be fiting to see which one is stronger. Initially united in their tendency to vote on the losing Zoofighter, the two formed a bond and became close pals. Tonight, in our arena, they shall fite to the death to see which of them is stronger. Will it be the 8 foot tall mantis Widow Maker, who is able to wield a knife despite her anatomy? Or will it be the Red Spy, who has fought in so many battles that he's learned to expect anything?

Tonight we shall answer that question! Widow Maker and RedSpy, it's time to Fite Yer' Mate!

Both competitors come out swinging! Swinging their knives, of course. Widow Maker jabs and slashes towards her opponent, but the Red Spy is agile and able to dodge under the large mantis's arms. Red Spy tries to get a quick slice into Widow Maker's underbelly, but two of the mantid's legs kick the spy back out from under her. Red Spy is quickly back on his feet though and strafing around Widow Maker, whose large eyes help her keep track of her much swifter foe.

Realizing he couldn't get behind Widow Maker unseen because of her huge compound eyes, the spy enables his cloaking. The spy's watch turns him completely invisible, and Widow Maker quickly takes to the skies so she isn't stabbed in the back. Widow Maker hovers, waiting for the Spy's cloaking to falter or fade from overuse. The Spy decloaks outside of the mantis's view, and assesses the situation. His opponent is too high for him to hurt, so he'd have to hurl his knife.

So that is what he did. The Spy's knife sails through the air. A split second before the knife hits Widow Maker, she is able to see it. She begins to dodge, but that does not prevent the knife from making contact with her body. The knife, aimed at the back of the mantis's head, now tore through a wing instead, messing up the insect's ability to fly. Widow Maker managed to land herself despite the crippled wing and removes the knife from it with her free foreleg. Now wielding both her own knife and the Red Spy's knife, Widow Maker charged toward the spy, swinging the knives in a flashy display.

The spy is able to dodge in time to prevent himself from being skewered by the two knives, but one knife manages to slash a huge gash into his left arm. Grasping at the injury to suppress the bleeding, the Red Spy once more engages his cloaking. Widow Maker sweeps forward with her two long raptorial legs, but hits nothing. The Spy had already moved elsewhere.

Widow Maker begins surveying the arena in hopes of finding some clue to her balaclava-wearing foe's whereabouts, when she finds precisely just that. The Spy's bleeding arm leaves a dotted red path along the arena floor, and Widow Maker's eyes follow it to its destination...

When Widow Maker finds the end of the trail she finds herself facing Gezora. TWO Gezoras. It appears the Red Spy has disguised himself as the referee!

"Oh great, are we really going to do the whole, 'Which one is the real one' thing?" asks Widow Maker, frustrated to see a cliche in the middle of the battle.

Gezora and the other Gezora both look at each other in surprise and begin squabbling.

"I'm the real Gezora!"

"No, I'm the real Gezora!"

"I'm Gezora!"

"I'm Gezora!"

"I'm Tom Lincoln!"

"No, I'm Tom Lincoln!"

"Wait, what?" Both Gezoras look at each other in confusion after their argument veered into allusion territory. But this little back and forth gave Widow Maker the information she needed.

The genre savvy mantis noticed that Gezora was using personal pronouns, something it almost never did, but the unique circumstances warranted that both the real Gezora and its imposter would have to resort to using them. The damning evidence was the allusion to "The Island". Gezora didn't seem to be like the type to pay enough attention to a Michael Bay film's dialogue to quote it, while the Red Spy would definitely be someone who would pay attention to every detail of something. She knew which one was the imposter.

With a quick flick of whatever a praying mantis's wrist equivalent would be called, Widow Maker hurled The Big Earner knife towards the Gezora who strayed into referencing a movie from 2005. The knife dug into face of the cuttlefish referee, but something was wrong... That wasn't the Red Spy. Gezora had been around since earlier Zoofights that had taken place in the future, so the real cuttlefish ref had ample time to see The Island. Red Spy, however, had never even heard of the film!

"Gezora thought... the allusion... would make the exchange more comical..." The real Gezora fell to the ground, the knife having down quite a number on it. Red Spy turns back to normal and tries to pull his knife out of the fainted referee. While he wrestles it out of the referee's cuttlebone, Widow Maker cloaks herself. When the Spy frees his knife, he turns around, ready to resume the battle!

Of course, all he sees is an empty arena. He quickly tries to use his own cloaking watch so that they both could hide behind the veil of invisibility, but Widow Maker quickly reappears right in front of him, kicking him back with her middle legs while stabbing forward with Your Eternal Reward.

Apparently your eternal reward is a broken cloaking watch. The Spy's watch sputters as it breaks, and for some reason it leaves only the Spy's torso cloaked. His limbs appeared to float as they reflexively grabbed the huge mantis and threw her to the ground. The Big Earner came slamming down, but Widow Maker blocks the blow with her own knife. Righting herself, the two begin fencing with their daggers, despite the fact that it would probably be a lot easier on both of them if they didn't.

A woozy referee pulls itself into a sitting position so it can resume watching the fite. Gezora looks up just in time to see both competitors lash out with their free arms during their fencing bout. RedSpy manages to snap the forearm that his opponent held her knife in, but Widow Maker also manages to inflict a nasty wound on the Spy's dominant hand with her free raptorial arm. Both fiters drop their knives from their respective wounds, but they quickly recover them with their uninjured arms.

Now both competitors faced each other with their dominant arms crippled. Who can adapt better to this situation?

It seems the unexplainable knife-wielding dexterity of Widow Maker's primary hand is not carried over to her southpaw. The mantis's forearm clutched Your Eternal Reward oddly, and her performance suffered for it. The Red Spy seemed to have no issue switching his knife-wielding hand, and besides a slightly weaker lunge, he seemed unperturbed.

The female mantis struggled to keep up with her human foe, the battle turning more and more one-sided by the second. The Big Earner tore bits off of her exoskeleton effortlessly, and her return attacks never even made contact. Things were seeming hopeless for the eight foot tall mantis, but then the insect realized something and felt the sudden need to faceclaw. She's an eight foot tall mantis! A dinky knife isn't her only way to attack!

Widow Maker tackles the Red Spy, pushing down on him with four of her six legs. With the speed of a sudden realization, the mantis's southclaw firmly grips the knife and slams it down towards the spy's face. Red Spy is barely able to wiggle out of the way of a fatal facelift, but the knife manages to catch on a bit of his balaclava.

"This is interesting, we've never seen your face before... But I know better than to fall for that. Anytime someone removes a mask or uncovers a hidden face in Fite Yer' Mates, it ends badly for them." Widow Maker shakes the knife loose, but the Spy's legs begin kicking at her abdomen, surprising her. The RED team member uses the moment to grab Widow Maker's legs and pull them out from under her. Widow Maker falls, and her face slams into the Red Spy's face.

The mantis's mandibles painfully dig into the Spy's chin, but the mantis's huge exposed eyes get injured from being slammed right into the very solid face of the Red Spy. Widow Maker tries to pull back in pain, but her mandibles are tangled in the balaclava now. The two stand back up, locked in what looked like a passionate french kiss. The french spy found it rather amusing to be in such a situation, but he also found his feet dangling above the ground. The height difference meant this situation allowed Widow Maker to hoist him into the air with her mouth alone.

Widow Maker began desperately trying to stab her foe with her knife, but he wiggled about on her mandibles enough to avoid the blade. The close proximity also aided the spy, since now he could easily jab forward with the knife and make contact. Widow Maker quickly realizes she'd be a lot better off without a trained assassin dangling from her face and quickly begins to shake him off.

The Spy is thrown off of the bug's mouth, but his balaclava is now tattered. Luckily, he has a spare with him, and he quickly places it on his head without removing the torn one. But while he reaches into his still invisible suit to get the replacement balaclava, he also grabs two other things. One he fastens to his invisible torso, making whatever that object was invisible as well. The other object is a paper mask with Widow Maker's face. A small smoke cloud appears around him as the RedSpy disguises himself as Widow Maker.

What purpose could this serve? Is he trying to hide his weakspots by assuming an unconventional form? Is he trying to psyche Widow Maker out by making it look like she would be fiting herself? Whatever the reason, the two Widow Makers begin circling each other, each gripping their knives in the same manner.

One of the Widow Makers quickly lunges forward, and the other is barely able to hop over the blow. The dodging mantis darts forward, causing her (or his!) opponent to backpeddle away. The two Widow Makers briefly collide, and the flickering disguise of the Spy is momentarily disrupted, but by the time they are out of the tumble, its impossible to make out which one is which!

One of the Widow Makers again lashes out, but the opponent smacks the knife out of its hand. The knife goes flying up into the air as the armed one tries to quickly sneak behind the other's back. The unarmed one quickly retaliates by diving out of the way of an almost successful backstab. A single backstab with either of these knives would spell instant doom for the victim!

The unarmed Widow Maker quickly scurries around, trying to position itself in a good spot between where it thinks the knife will land and where its opponent currently is. The armed Widow Maker lunges forward, abandoning sneak attacks in favor of just stabbing its opponent's face. The unarmed Widow Maker starts to flee, trying to avoid the sharp blade of its opponent's dagger. Up in the air, the other knife has finished its parabolic and rather lengthy arc and is returning back to Earth thanks to the helping hand of our good friend gravity.

Unfortunately for its owner, the knife did not land quite as expected... Being forced to take the defensive, the unarmed Widow Maker was forced to go directly into the path of the falling knife!

The knife plunges into the head of the Widow Maker, but which one is it? Is it the disguised spy, or the real mantis?

"Please tell me we won't do some unnecessary cliffhanger here," quips the Widow Maker who doesn't have a knife in its head.

The Widow Maker that does have a knife in the head... begins to flicker.

It was Red Spy! The spy's death causes the costume to fade, as well as the residual effects of the broken cloaking watch. It is at this point that Widow Maker gets to see what the RedSpy had attached to his chest earlier...

It appeared to be some sort of book with a face chewing on a bomb on the cover...

Wait.

It's the Bombinomicon.

The RedSpy's death activated the book's bomb. The spy blows apart into an array of gibs, but Widow Maker was much too close to her fallen foe for her own good. The explosion hits Widow Maker as well, and her exoskeleton is torn apart by the blast. The mantis falls to the ground.

Is she...?

Widow Maker stands back up weakly. Her entire front was badly burned and parts of her sides were as well, but the mantis survived the final attack of the spy. She manages to weakly speak.

"Let's get someone to heal me... and someone to revive what's left of the Spy..."

Gezora is quick to interrupt this request though.

"Why should we? RedSpy thought he could be Gezora, so Gezora shall just be RedSpy from now on!"

"How does it feel to have someone disguised as you, Spy!"

Widow Maker looks weakly towards the referee. "I don't think he's in the state to answer you... and I'm surprised you went for this with your post-fite silliness. You must be pretty hurt about the whole 'mistaken identity' part of this fite."

"Gezora is hurt both physically and mentally from it!"

Fite 41- The Wind in the Giant Monster Willows (Zephyrus vs. Biollante)

Tonight's the night we're gonna make it happen! Today is the last of the arena fites, and it will be taking place on a serene wind farm in Texas. Let's go to our last on-site correspondent, Professor Nathan Cardinal.

"Thank you for the introduction, and welcome to the Roscoe Wind Farm! Here at the Roscoe Wind Farm, we hold the record for both the largest capacity of a wind farm and the highest amount of turbines! With 627 high powered turbines, we are able to churn out over 780 megawatts of energy daily! Wind energy is the answer to America's energy crisis! With a more ecological and-"

*BOP!*

Gezora silences the overeager professor with a quick bop on the head.

"I'm sorry, I got a bit carried away! I'm just so proud of what we've accomplished here. Another great aspect of this wind farm is that it shall serve as the arena to two amazing fiters! One is a giant kay-joo, am I saying that right? A giant plant monster named Biollante. The other competitor in tonight's bout is a robot who used to go by the name Air Man. He now goes by the moniker Zephyrus, and has quite a few upgrades! Well, this seems like it will be exciting! Due mostly to the setting, the Roscoe Wind Farm, located in beautiful-"

Ok, enough of that guy. Like he said, Zephyrus shall be fiting Biollante. Zephyrus will be bringing his Ultima Weapon to the battle, a sword powered by the souls of 6 of his fallen robot brothers. Biollante has brought an assistant, a spacecraft from the planet Mars! These two fought a while back as Air Man and the Necronomitron, let's see which one of these fiters is superior now! It's monster vs. machine here tonight folks! Zephyrus and Biollante, prepare to Fite Yer' Mate!

Zephyrus arrives on the wind farm to a flurry of flamboyant fanfare. Zephyrus definitely has a lot of support in tonight's fite! But that's not to say Biollante doesn't have support! The giant plant monster is already in the arena, and with a loud roar it sends the crowd into a frenzy.

This fite is ON!!!

Biollante's tendrils shoot out towards Zephyrus as the martian spacecraft hovers above. Zephyrus easily dodges the tendrils, slicing a few off with his sword as he runs towards the giant kaiju. Biollante roars in pain as tendrils are lopped off, and the spacecraft is quick to react. From the antenna atop the UFO a heat ray is fired. Zephyrus tries to dodge the ray, but the mechanical spaceship has a lot better aim than a massive plant monster. Zephyrus can feel his circuits melting, but he quickly aims his fan up towards the martian spacecraft and sends a blast of wind upwards.

Wind turbines around the farm spin so fast their blades snap off. The spacecraft itself struggled to hover in place, but the tornado from the robot's chest is too powerful. The spacecraft is blown away, but one of Biollante's tendrils quickly grabs it to prevent it from being blown out of the farm. Zephyrus uses the distraction of the tornado to close the distance between himself and the massive monster. Once he gets in close, Zephyrus begins to run the blade around the base of Biollante.

Another painful roar accompanies the next action of Biollante. The beast begins to lean forward onto the robot master, putting all of its weight onto the much smaller robot. Zephyrus tries to flee, but he is not quick enough. The kaiju's entire weight comes down on him, and his chassis groans under the pressure. Zephyrus does take the moment to jab his opponent with both the Ultima Weapon and his claw arm though. Zephyrus does manage to hurt his much bigger opponent, but he is still being utterly destroyed by the weight of the monster.

So once again, the robot relies on his fan. The fan starts spinning faster and faster, but it is dented from the crushing weight of the kaiju. It won't be able to generate enough wind power to lift Biollante!

"Oh my! It looks like it might already be over! That robot with the fan in its chest has been under the beast for quite a long time, and I can't see it getting the plant thing off of it! Actually, I'm curious. How does that robot's power work? Perhaps we can recycle its fan and use it to power the turbines here..."

Zephyrus realizes he will not be able to get the monster off of him, so he does the next best thing. Zephyrus begins tunneling out from underneath Biollante. Using his claw for quick digging, Zephyrus is able to swiftly get him out from under the beast's weight. Biollante tries to pull herself back up to resume fiting, but Zephyrus is able to hop up onto Biollante's head before she is all the way up. Ultima Weapon slams deep into the monster's head, but she seems unaffected! Zephyrus continues his assault on Biollante's head, but the attacks don't seem to be killing the plant.

Biollante reaches up with its tendrils, but Zephyrus has no trouble slicing those off. Soon, though, the martian spacecraft has reentered the battle! The heat ray of the UFO opens fire once more, warming the robot to critical temperatures. Unfortunately, the heat ray is not quite perfect in its trajectory, so Biollante is also hit by it. The kaiju erupts into flames and begins to desperately try to pat out the fire, but it is mostly plant, so it just ends up spreading the fire to the rest of its body.

Zephyrus leaps off of the kaiju and onto the spacecraft, slicing the antenna off to stop the ray. As Biollante struggles to put out the flames, Zephyrus begins stabbing into the martian spaceship with his blade. The spaceship tries to shake the robot master off, but Zephyrus digs his claw into the ship so he doesn't fall off. Biollante begins using its tendrils productively, lifting large chunks of dirt onto its body to put out the flames.

"No! It's digging up the ground! Careful of the wiring! Don't mess up the turbines! God help you if you mess with my turbines!"

After Biollante is caked in soil and free of flames, she aims her massive head towards the battle going on in the sky. Zephyrus had all but destroyed the spacecraft, which was now useless without its antenna. Biollante opens her mouth and vomits up a disgusting sap. The radioactive sap makes contact with the spacecraft and begins dissolving it. When Zephyrus realizes this, he begins trying to pull both Ultima Weapon and his claw from the ship. He is only able to remove one.

Zephyrus is forced to abandon the Ultima Weapon as he leaps to safety. The sap begins disintegrating the ship, and parts of Ultima Weapon melt into a metal slurry. Zephyrus is bereft of his sword, but even worse for him: He is bereft of the assistance of his brothers' souls.

Zephyrus looks at his much larger opponent. His fan was dented and now only able to conjure smaller winds. His claw could do damage, but the kaiju had a healing factor, which was already healing the burns and the slashes from his earlier assault. The head didn't appear to be its weakness, but there was something that looked like a heart in its center...

But how could he harm it?

"Well, everyone, it appears that robot is screwed. He has no weapon and his body is terribly dented. It makes me wonder how he even could take down such a- Hey! Stop that! DON'T TOUCH THE TURBINES!!!"

Zephyrus has used his claw to snip one of the wind turbine's bases! Due to his robotic strength, Zephyrus has no issue holding the felled turbine like it is a weapon. For a big opponent, you need a big weapon!

Biollante seems to smirk as shes sees Zephyrus's new weapon choice. Her vines once more shoot forward, but Zephyrus's huge weapon is able to smack them away no problem. The robot master charges towards the plant monster's heart, the wind turbine aimed forward like a javelin. From the melted Ultima Weapon, Zephyrus swore he could hear the cheering of his brothers.

Zephyrus's charge towards Biollante is accompanied by the beginnings of a rainstorm.

"That terrible machine destroyed my wind farm. I don't want to do this anymore. And now it's raining too! Rain to accompany my sorrow. So much work... LOST! I guess it also makes this fite dramatic or something. Who cares.. This will cost so much to fix..."

Our announcer may be bummed, but this battle is getting intense! Zephyrus continues shearing off vines with the turbine's sharp blades. The spacecraft, now almost completely dissolved, tries one last desperate charge, but gets batted away by the turbine. After the robot master's home-run hit, the spacecraft can take no more and shatters into a bunch of tiny pieces.

Biollante begins to ready more radioactive sap for regurgitation in hopes of stopping Zephyrus's charge, but she is not quick enough. Zephyrus has reached the kaiju's heart, and rams one of the turbine's blades into it.

Biollante roars, now feeling a pain more intense than any other. The plant loses its coloration, and Biollante begins to wilt. Zephyrus pulls the turbine out of the heart and rams another one of the blades in. Biollante roars again, the radioactive sap she had tried to ready earlier now dripping down from her jaws. Parts of the sap fall onto Zephyrus below, and the robot master is forced to let go of his weapon. The sap begins eating as his metallic body, but luckily the rain is able to wash it off before it could do any lethal damage.

Biollante's vines shoot up around the heart, the many tendrils now blocking the path to her biggest weakness.

Zephyrus could not get to the turbine now, and he briefly considers chopping another down, but he didn't need it. Biollante was weakened. All he had to do was get in a killer blow.

Zephyrus reaches into his fan, trying his best to straighten the dented blades. When he finishes, his claw plunges into the ground and pulls out wires. Accompanied by the sound of a professor fainting, Zephyrus begins cutting the wires and wiring them into his own system. Zephyrus turns to the wind farm and begins spinning his fan blades. Soon, the largest tornado he has ever created shoots out and hits the wind farm. The turbines begin spinning faster than they were built to handle, sending surges of electricity into the robot. As more and more charge flows into him, the tornado gets larger and stronger.

Wind turbines are blown off the farm, while some dangled in the air by the wires that barely held them to the earth. Zephyrus begins to turn around, aiming his tornado at Biollante.

Biollante's body begins to be pushed back by the cyclonic winds. The monster digs its vines into the ground, hoping to keep its bearings in the dirt. The entirety of the beast's energy is devoted to trying to keep itself from flying away, and the heart in the middle is now unprotected. Zephyrus begins slowly walking towards it, struggling to maintain the massive vortex that shot out of his center.

Zephyrus is able to get within arm's reach of the turbine. He reaches out slowly, grasping the turbine in his arms. He begins to twist it in the heart, trying to drive Biollante past the point of no return.

Nathan Cardinal wakes up to see his wind farm utterly destroyed. He does spare a glance towards Zephyrus and Biollante though, and sees the critical moment.

"I guess this fite is almost over... That plant monster can't protect itself... Wait, I heard a snap! I think one of the fan robot's fan blades broke! KARMA!!! THAT'S WHAT YOU GET FOR WRECKING MY FARM!!!"

A fan blade does indeed snap, causing the vortex to spin wildly out of control. Zephyrus is blown back by the force of his own winds, but he is quickly caught by one of Biollante's tendrils. The kaiju weakly looks down at its opponent, almost all of its strength sapped by the damage it has taken. But there is one thing that makes Biollante unique. Within the mind of the beast is the soul of a former Zoofighter. The Martian, who lost its battle in Zoofights, who lost its battle in Fite Yer' Mates, now had a chance to claim a victory in the arena. Even if the body is weak, the spirit is willing.

With a surge of unexplainable strength, Biollante pulls Zephyrus up to her face. Tendrils grab both arms and both legs of the robot and pull. The limbs are torn from the robot's body, but before the robot can fall back to the ground, Biollante reaches out with its jaws and bites down. The thousands of teeth in its jaw make quick work of the blue robot.

Biollante drops the limbs and spits out the scrap that used to make up the robot master. It had won. It had won fair and square...

"Well, I guess that giant plant monster wins the match. But at what cost? We've lost many good machines here tonight... MY TURBINES! I BETTER GET COMPENSATION FOR MY GODDAMN TURBINES!!!"

*BOP!*

Gezora's tentacle hits Nathan again, this time knocking the professor back into unconsciousness.

Hey, Gezora hasn't been hurt in this arena! How do you feel about this Gezora?

"Gezora will just enjoy flying this kite. Gezora can't possibly get harmed just flying a kite!"

But Gezora! Don't you know flying a kite in a rainstorm is dangerous! Lightning could strike the kite!

...

...

...

Ok, I guess it doesn't always strike kites in rainstorms...

Goodnight everybody! This has been Fite Yer' Mates's Arena Fites Week!