Fair fellows of the realm, harken! Tonight I present for you a match
that is two-on-two! James the brave Squirtle and his trusty Roomba steed
shall be taking on the multiverse that is saberwulf and the roadie that
is Eddie Riggs! Let’s get this lopsided battle underway! It is time to
Fite Yer’ Mates!
vs.
James the Squirtle rides his Roomba ally into the arena to a hail of applause:
The
audience loves an underdog, and these two dogs couldn’t be further
under their opponents if they were newborn puppies! Okay, so maybe they
could be further under, but they are clearly the crowd favorite! James
waves to the crowd, a bit nervous but slightly more confident than
before now that he knows he has the crowd’s support.
Suddenly, the
arena darkens. Mist flows out onto the battlefield and strobe lights
light up the arena with a plethora of colors. Down from the heavens
descends a group of odd creatures: Half be-bop angel, half heavy metal
demon. They begin to
play a strong jazz metal tune
as pyrotechnics ignite all around the arena. Rising from a platform
beneath the center of the arena, saberwulf and Eddie enter to an even
louder cheer from the audience!
James looks to the crowd for
support before the fite, but notices the now much larger crowd was full
of people who all wore saberwulf’s distinct facemask. The Squirtle and
the Roomba were now all alone in an arena of saberwulf supporters. The
Roomba offers a few words of encouragement to Squirtle, promising him
that by the match’s end a Wartortle will ride out victorious. James
girds his loins and the Roomba girds his lug nuts as Gezora enters the
arena and signals for the match to commence.
The angel/demons
clear out of the arena as Eddie charges straight towards his smaller
opponents with his axe raised high. The Roomba rockets off at a
surprising speed as Squirtle pulls his 2x4 out from inside its shell.
He brandishes it two-handed, ready to bash in some knees. Eddie’s axe
comes down with a thud repeatedly, just barely missing the Roomba as it
rockets between the roadie’s legs. James repeatedly smacks the poor
man’s shins as it passes through, throwing off Eddie’s aim as he reels
from the constant pain.
The Roomba drives around for another pass
between the legs, this time Squirtle’s hunk of wood aimed for Eddie’s
wood. Eddie slams his legs together at the exact moment the tiny two
would have passed through, trapping the Roomba between his feet.
However, Squirtle still managed to smack Eddie’s groin with a powerful
blow. Eddie smacks James with the broadside of his axe, sending
the turtle flying over to the merchant. Eddie falls to the ground,
clutching his family jewels as the Roomba breaks free from the vicegrip
of Eddie’s boots.
Squirtle withdraws into its shell as it is
rocketed across the arena. For some reason, the other side of the arena
is swampy. James lands into the thick swamp water and floats inside
of his shell for a while. He knew this odd region of the arena was the
multiverse merchant’s doing, but he had no idea where that merchant was.
From behind the Squirtle, two goggled eyes poke out of the water.
The eyes bob up and down out of the water as a clock’s ticking is heard. Saberwulf’s face pops out of the water, and massive jaws spread open wide to devour the turtle.
Unfortunately
for the merchant, his attention to detail in parodying Peter Pan had
given Squirtle a heads-up to his approach. The shell of Squirtle spins
around and his head pops out, launching an ice beam directly into
saberwulf’s jaws. Saberwulf stands up out of the water and transforms
his jaws back to normal. He attempts to curse at the extreme cold that
now filled his insides, but his jaw is frozen open and he cannot form
the swears.James pops out of his shell and brandishes his wooden
plank once more. Saberwulf grabs Squirtle by the neck and smacks him
away from the swamp and back towards Eddie and the Roomba with a
badminton racket.
The Roomba and Eddie had been going back and
forth after Eddie got back on his feet. The Roomba’s BB gun proved to be
a BB machine gun as it hurled a constant pellet barrage at Eddie’s
face, making Eddie’s attempts to cleave the vacuum in twain inaccurate
and rushed. The Roomba notices Squirtle’s shell flying through the air
and goes to catch the tiny turtle Pokemon. Eddie puts down the
Seperator, irked by its inaccuracy. He is going to tear the robotic
vacuum to pieces by hand!
James pops out of his shell and
lands on his back on the ground. The Roomba quickly rushes over and
picks the turtle back up and places him on his own back. Squirtle
adjusts itself on the vacuum as it rockets over to saberwulf to start
another volley of leg attacks. Saberwulf’s frozen mouth attempts to grin
as he shifts into a matador. The Roomba goes right through a red cape
and into the murky swamp water. James dismounts the Roomba and tries
to lift it out of the grimy water, but suddenly a lightning storm
appears overhead. Lightning begins to strike the water, harming both
the water-type Pokemon and the Roomba. James screams in pain but
quickly uses one of its moves to escape: Surf.
Riding the Roomba like
a surfboard, the swampy water rises up beneath the Squirtle and rushes
towards Eddie and saberwulf. Eddie gets hit by the wave of water, but
saberwulf rollerblades away from the wave Starlight Express-style,
costume and all.
He hears the wave crash down and shifts back into his normal form. He
turns around to see where his foes are, but he only sees the Roomba.
The crowd screams in shock as James, who had hopped off the Roomba at
the wave’s apex, falls straight towards saberwulf.
Squirtle’s
plank of wood manages to bust open saberwulf’s skull and brain before
shattering into splinters. Saberwulf reels back and then falls down on
his rear. A bright light flows forth from the wound in the merchant’s
head, and the whole arena is eclipsed by it.
Pro Tip: Don’t brain the multiverse.
The light fades, revealing a room full of businessmen. The men were from
candy corporations, and they were all arguing why their candy company
should get the candy bar contract for World War II rations. Their
arguing is interrupted when five figures appear on top of the long table
in the middle of the room.
Although
they look different, these are in fact our 4 fiters and our loyal
referee. James the Squirtle had been transformed into a giant blue
tortoise, the Roomba was now one of the first vacuum cleaners ever made,
Eddie had changed into Po from Kung-Fu Panda, and saberwulf had shifted
into Sabrewulf from Killer Instinct. Even referee Gezora had changed
forms, finding himself now similar in shape to Cutthroat Cuttlefish from
Battle Beasts.
Eddie looks around, confused by the
transformations. “Why am I panda? Everyone else’s new forms make sense
but mine!” Saberwulf, if he was aware of who had shifted into, would no
doubt be just as angry. He hated the wolf fiter whose name he was
often erroneously referred to as on paperwork. At the moment though, he
appeared to have little control over anything.
The businessmen
leaped up from the table and were now cowering in the corner, afraid for
their lives. Gezora looks at them hungrily, but his new form doesn’t
seem to make human consumption too easy. James and the vacuum look at
each other, shocked by the change, but ready to take advantage of it.
James tries to get on top of the vacuum but finds his mobility to be
very limited. Eddie the panda turns around and sees what they are
trying to do, and delivers a strong kick to the vacuum’s side. The
vacuum falls off the table and on to its side, landing on something that
honked and fired a laser. Eddie hops down and pushes the transformed
Roomba off of the strange laser-firing object.
It was what Eddie’s weapon had
changed into: a laser firing goose. Having learned not to ask questions
about the multiverse, Eddie lifts the goose and begins firing at James.
James’s shell takes hit after hit as he tries to muster up an ice beam,
but it appears this form has no special powers. The vacuum somehow
rights itself and rushes towards the poor tortoise, still maintaining
control over itself despite no longer being robotic. It knocks James up
into the air with the force of its dash, allowing James to board the
vacuum. The two charge towards Eddie, whose laser goose’s beams have
proven to be less than lethal. Eddie tosses the goose aside and dodges
the oncoming vacuum.
Saberwulf’s head again begins to glow,
changing the room they were in and the businessmen into new forms. The
room was now made entirely out of xylophone keys, and the businessmen
had grown into massive parade floats that filled the entire room. Eddie
struggles to break free from the floats, popping a few in the process.
Gezora’s strange new harpoon arm pops a few as he struggles to get free.
James bites the floats to make room while the transformed Roomba tries
to find Eddie amidst the puffy businessfloats. Saberwulf starts to
suffocate, and Eddie can hear the wolf’s desperate attempts at
breathing. Saberwulf’s empty head was creating havoc in this battle, and
Eddie knew one way he could fix the damaged brain.
Eddie bounces
around the room, hitting the xylophone keys on the walls and floor in
the way only a kung-fu trained panda could. It was difficult to make
out, but the xylophone’s keys played a sound similar to the bass riff
used by Eddie to heal his friends during the scuffle in the
streets. Suddenly, saberwulf’s head wound begins to heal and the ice
keeping his mouth agape begins to thaw. Saberwulf’s claws thrash the
parade floats that were suffocating him to bits, and he stands up, now
entirely glowing in the strange light. James and the vacuum come
charging towards the reinvigorated wolf, stopping short so that the
tortoise’s heavy shell would come launching towards saberwulf with all
the strength of inertia.
Suddenly, the arena is again engulfed in a
bright light.
James, now a Squirtle again, bounces off
saberwulf’s facemask harmlessly. It seemed the four fiters were
changed back to normal and now in a new arena. The ground was pink and
squishy, and the only light came from the aura that still surrounded the
merchant. Roomba picks up Squirtle from where he fell on the ground
and the two rush away from their two opponents. Saberwulf goes up to
Eddie and surrounds the two in police box that bolted itself into the
squishy ground. Squirtle wonders what they are doing, but suddenly the
Roomba is screaming and going towards the box itself. Squirtle turns around
just in time for a massive wave of PEP to flood the pink tube that now
served as an arena.
They were in PEP Simian’s intestines.
Squirtle
manages to swim against the soft drink stream until the PEP is gone,
its arms desperately struggling to keep hold of the Roomba so it doesn’t
get washed away to the more unpleasant parts of the intestines. The two
tiny competitors gather their bearings as the police box dissolves from
around the taller fiters. Saberwulf rushes towards Squirtle and
Roomba, hurling a punch with the strength of a freight train. The EXACT
strength of a freight train, because the punch launches a literal
freight train towards James and the Roomba. A literal freight train…
made of straw.
The
train comes crashing down on the unfortunate turtle and robot, burying
them in a pile of straw. Eddie and saberwulf walk over to the pile,
ready to search for a turtle in a haystack.
Fun Fact! Despite my
terminology, hay and straw are two entirely different things! Hay is
made of cut and dried grasses or legumes and is used mostly to feed
livestock. Straw is made of the dried stalks of grain plants like wheat
and rye and, since it is less nutritious then hay, is used more for
making things, such as bedding (or trains!), or as mulch.
And you thought Fite Yer’ Mates couldn’t be educational!
James had lost track of the Roomba since they were both buried in straw,
and he hoped the robot was ok. He begins to dig his way out of the
massive pile of dried stalks of wheat or rye. When he finally managed to
get out of the pile, he finds the arena now entirely dark. He wasn’t
sure if they were still in PEP Simian’s intestines, so he is cautious
as he gets out of the pile of straw. The ground felt like the original
arena’s, but Squirtle knew to be skeptical; that multiverse merchant and
his roadie friend were somewhere in the darkness, and they probably had
night vision goggles or something.
Suddenly, a spotlight
reveals a giant rare candy amidst the darkness. Squirtle was
dumbfounded by its size and sudden appearance, but he knew if he could
eat it, he’d level up and be that much closer to evolution. James runs
towards the giant candy and begins to unwrap it. Before he could dig in
to the level-raising sweet, another candy fell down and bonked the
Squirtle’s head. It didn’t hurt, but the two candies were bigger than
Squirtle. “Two candies? That’s two levels! That’s all I need to evolve!” James jumps for joy, but another rare candy fell down in front of
it. It was raining levels!
Squirtle was ecstatic by the rare
candy rain, but he noticed something: the giant candies were beginning
to pile up around it. James struggles to push down the candies, but they
begin to cover him entirely like the pile of straw had before.
Squirtle struggles desperately to get out of the pile before he could be
crushed by the giant candies. When his head popped out at the top, he
found the rain had ended. He sighs, relieved and happy to be in a pile
of 15 giant rare candies. The candy had distracted him though; next to
him, Eddie brought down the Seperator directly on Squirtle’s head.
“Sorry
little dude, I’m in it to win it.” Eddie pulls his axe from Squirtle’s
head, allowing the tiny turtle to sink into the pile of candies that
could have pushed him all the way to level 29.
Saberwulf, who had
set up the rare candy rain, turned the lights back on. It was, in fact,
the original arena once more, but they had lost track of the Roomba
during their little candy gambit. Sure, they’d leave the candies there
for Squirtle after the fite, but they still had a robotic vacuum to
kill before the match could be over. The straw pile was gone by now and
somehow the Roomba had found a hiding place in the rather empty arena.
Eddie
and saberwulf scoured the arena, but they hadn’t realized that the
Roomba was actually in the candy pile as well. It had just found the
lifeless body of Squirtle, and somewhere in its robotic mind, it felt a
sense of dread and anger. The Roomba’s front opened up, and a wide
variety of tools spilled out; the same tools it used to kill an innocent
Snapper before.
The robotic vacuum comes rocketing out of the
rare candy pile, its tools slashing up the floor beneath it. Eddie turns
around just in time to see the Roomba and lift his axe back up. A
literal pistol from inside the Roomba now fires, tearing a hole in
Eddie’s shin and causing him to fall to the ground once more. The Roomba
uses its tools to pull itself onto its Eddie’s body, cutting holes in
the roadie’s side as he struggles to sit back up. The Roomba dashes up
Eddie’s torso and begins to unleash every tool it has on Eddie’s face,
slashing, pounding, and grinding it into a bloody mess.
The
Roomba vacuums up its opponent’s liquefied face, a maniacal laugh
accompanying the whir of the vacuum’s systems. Saberwulf laughs too, he
can’t help but be tickled by the Roomba’s sudden ruthlessness. Saberwulf
shrinks himself down, mounting a horse and now dressed in knight’s
armor. He pulls up a jousting lance, pulls down the helm's visor, and
charges towards the Roomba.
“HAVE AT YOU!”
The various murderous implements of the Roomba tear up the ground as it
charges towards the miniscule saberwulf. Saberwulf leaps from his horse
before the two meet though, and the horse shifts into a
rocket laden panjandrum.
The odd weapon explodes as the Roomba’s weapons tear into it, severing
the deadly tools and leaving the Roomba with nothing but its initial
weaponry. It switches back to its normal form, instead opting to use its
BB gun to try and take out the tiny merchant.
Pellets fly past
the merchant has he pops in and out of the ground Whack-A-Mole style. At
this point, saberwulf it just toying with the powers of multiverse
rather than focusing on the actual fite. The Roomba begins to growl in
frustration, and the merchant begins to hurl tiny college football
cheerleaders at the Roomba to goad it on. The Roomba’s BB gun goes back
inside and it charges forward, sucking up the unfortunate cheerleaders
who were plucked away from their dormitories. Saberwulf changes the
ground beneath them into quicksand, but not in time to prevent the
Roomba from sucking him up as well.
As the Roomba sinks into the
sand, saberwulf whirls around inside of the vacuum. The sheer force of
the robot’s suction has disoriented him, preventing him from making any
coherent universe-shifts to help aid him inside the Roomba’s body. Atop
the Roomba, the tiny Aperture Science Sentry turret begins to move. It
crawls inside of the vacuum as the entire Roomba becomes submerged in
the quicksand.
The suction of the vacuum stops, causing saberwulf
and the cheerleaders to stop spinning inside of the Roomba. Saberwulf
drops to the bottom of the robot’s insides and fractures his tailbone. A
scream of pain accompanies the injury and the arrival of the turret.
Two machine guns pop out of the turret’s sides and it begins to open
fire on the injured merchant, who scrambles out of the bullets' path.
Several bullets graze his legs, but they don’t cause anything more than
flesh wounds. Saberwulf curses to himself, regretting his change in
height as the turret continues its relentless bullet volley.
Using
the powers of the multiverse, saberwulf constructs a scaled down
version of St. Basil’s Cathedral in an instant between him and the turret’s
gunfire. Saberwulf struggles to try and fix his wounds, but his limited
knowledge of medicine leads to him snapping bones instead of repairing
them. The college cheerleaders had begun to crowd behind the cathedral
as well to hide from the gunfire. One of them suggests that saberwulf
bring some medics there with his multiverse powers to help heal him, and
he does so. With a burst of light, the
Medikidz appear.
5 heroes from the human-shaped planet of Mediland, the 5 heroes (and a
brain with robot legs apparently) begin to patch up saberwulf’s wounds
and fix the broken bones. How? Superpowers I guess.
The turret
peeks out from the other side of the cathedral and opens fire, killing
some of the cheerleaders and Medikidz as the now healed saberwulf ducks
out of the way of the gunfire. Now healed, saberwulf’s multiverse powers
begin to lift the Roomba’s chassis out of the quicksand and into the
air. Saberwulf’s boots melt instantly and harden around the ground. The
turret finishes mowing down the other people in the Roomba as saberwulf
begins to shake the robot's chassis violently. The turret goes rocketing
throughout the insides of the vacuum, losing legs and getting dents as
saberwulf harmlessly remains fastened to the ground by his melted boots.
As the shaking continues, the body of the turret ends up hurled towards
the merchant, dislodging him from his boots and pushing him onto the
ground. The turret’s machine guns aim at his head and fire…
But not quickly enough! Saberwulf’s multiverse powers activate, restoring him back to his normal size.
The
tiny bullets of the turret do little damage to saberwulf’s boots, and
the entire Roomba is smashed by the merchant’s return to regular size.
Gripping the wires of the demolished Roomba, saberwulf makes the letters
KO actually appear above his head.
A soothing bit of bebop jazz
plays as fireworks launch into the air, exploding into actual sabers
and wolves and saber-wielding wolves. Tiny saberwulf bobbleheads go on
parade through the arena as the revived forms of the college
cheerleaders cheer for saberwulf. Saberwulf bows to the crowd and
materializes a tractor, which he then rides out of the arena and into a
sunset of his own creation.
The multiverse has emerged
victorious, and our universe wasn’t altered too badly by his influence.
However, it seems our referee Cutthroat Gezora is chasing after
saberwulf. He wants to have a word with the merchant…
