vs.
James the Squirtle rides his Roomba ally into the arena to a hail of applause:
The audience loves an underdog, and these two dogs couldn’t be further under their opponents if they were newborn puppies! Okay, so maybe they could be further under, but they are clearly the crowd favorite! James waves to the crowd, a bit nervous but slightly more confident than before now that he knows he has the crowd’s support.
Suddenly, the arena darkens. Mist flows out onto the battlefield and strobe lights light up the arena with a plethora of colors. Down from the heavens descends a group of odd creatures: Half be-bop angel, half heavy metal demon. They begin to play a strong jazz metal tune as pyrotechnics ignite all around the arena. Rising from a platform beneath the center of the arena, saberwulf and Eddie enter to an even louder cheer from the audience!
James looks to the crowd for support before the fite, but notices the now much larger crowd was full of people who all wore saberwulf’s distinct facemask. The Squirtle and the Roomba were now all alone in an arena of saberwulf supporters. The Roomba offers a few words of encouragement to Squirtle, promising him that by the match’s end a Wartortle will ride out victorious. James girds his loins and the Roomba girds his lug nuts as Gezora enters the arena and signals for the match to commence.
The angel/demons clear out of the arena as Eddie charges straight towards his smaller opponents with his axe raised high. The Roomba rockets off at a surprising speed as Squirtle pulls his 2x4 out from inside its shell. He brandishes it two-handed, ready to bash in some knees. Eddie’s axe comes down with a thud repeatedly, just barely missing the Roomba as it rockets between the roadie’s legs. James repeatedly smacks the poor man’s shins as it passes through, throwing off Eddie’s aim as he reels from the constant pain.
The Roomba drives around for another pass between the legs, this time Squirtle’s hunk of wood aimed for Eddie’s wood. Eddie slams his legs together at the exact moment the tiny two would have passed through, trapping the Roomba between his feet. However, Squirtle still managed to smack Eddie’s groin with a powerful blow. Eddie smacks James with the broadside of his axe, sending the turtle flying over to the merchant. Eddie falls to the ground, clutching his family jewels as the Roomba breaks free from the vicegrip of Eddie’s boots.
Squirtle withdraws into its shell as it is rocketed across the arena. For some reason, the other side of the arena is swampy. James lands into the thick swamp water and floats inside of his shell for a while. He knew this odd region of the arena was the multiverse merchant’s doing, but he had no idea where that merchant was. From behind the Squirtle, two goggled eyes poke out of the water. The eyes bob up and down out of the water as a clock’s ticking is heard. Saberwulf’s face pops out of the water, and massive jaws spread open wide to devour the turtle.
Unfortunately for the merchant, his attention to detail in parodying Peter Pan had given Squirtle a heads-up to his approach. The shell of Squirtle spins around and his head pops out, launching an ice beam directly into saberwulf’s jaws. Saberwulf stands up out of the water and transforms his jaws back to normal. He attempts to curse at the extreme cold that now filled his insides, but his jaw is frozen open and he cannot form the swears.James pops out of his shell and brandishes his wooden plank once more. Saberwulf grabs Squirtle by the neck and smacks him away from the swamp and back towards Eddie and the Roomba with a badminton racket.
The Roomba and Eddie had been going back and forth after Eddie got back on his feet. The Roomba’s BB gun proved to be a BB machine gun as it hurled a constant pellet barrage at Eddie’s face, making Eddie’s attempts to cleave the vacuum in twain inaccurate and rushed. The Roomba notices Squirtle’s shell flying through the air and goes to catch the tiny turtle Pokemon. Eddie puts down the Seperator, irked by its inaccuracy. He is going to tear the robotic vacuum to pieces by hand!
James pops out of his shell and lands on his back on the ground. The Roomba quickly rushes over and picks the turtle back up and places him on his own back. Squirtle adjusts itself on the vacuum as it rockets over to saberwulf to start another volley of leg attacks. Saberwulf’s frozen mouth attempts to grin as he shifts into a matador. The Roomba goes right through a red cape and into the murky swamp water. James dismounts the Roomba and tries to lift it out of the grimy water, but suddenly a lightning storm appears overhead. Lightning begins to strike the water, harming both the water-type Pokemon and the Roomba. James screams in pain but quickly uses one of its moves to escape: Surf.
Riding the Roomba like a surfboard, the swampy water rises up beneath the Squirtle and rushes towards Eddie and saberwulf. Eddie gets hit by the wave of water, but saberwulf rollerblades away from the wave Starlight Express-style, costume and all. He hears the wave crash down and shifts back into his normal form. He turns around to see where his foes are, but he only sees the Roomba. The crowd screams in shock as James, who had hopped off the Roomba at the wave’s apex, falls straight towards saberwulf.
Squirtle’s plank of wood manages to bust open saberwulf’s skull and brain before shattering into splinters. Saberwulf reels back and then falls down on his rear. A bright light flows forth from the wound in the merchant’s head, and the whole arena is eclipsed by it.
Pro Tip: Don’t brain the multiverse.
The light fades, revealing a room full of businessmen. The men were from candy corporations, and they were all arguing why their candy company should get the candy bar contract for World War II rations. Their arguing is interrupted when five figures appear on top of the long table in the middle of the room.
Although they look different, these are in fact our 4 fiters and our loyal referee. James the Squirtle had been transformed into a giant blue tortoise, the Roomba was now one of the first vacuum cleaners ever made, Eddie had changed into Po from Kung-Fu Panda, and saberwulf had shifted into Sabrewulf from Killer Instinct. Even referee Gezora had changed forms, finding himself now similar in shape to Cutthroat Cuttlefish from Battle Beasts.
Eddie looks around, confused by the transformations. “Why am I panda? Everyone else’s new forms make sense but mine!” Saberwulf, if he was aware of who had shifted into, would no doubt be just as angry. He hated the wolf fiter whose name he was often erroneously referred to as on paperwork. At the moment though, he appeared to have little control over anything.
The businessmen leaped up from the table and were now cowering in the corner, afraid for their lives. Gezora looks at them hungrily, but his new form doesn’t seem to make human consumption too easy. James and the vacuum look at each other, shocked by the change, but ready to take advantage of it. James tries to get on top of the vacuum but finds his mobility to be very limited. Eddie the panda turns around and sees what they are trying to do, and delivers a strong kick to the vacuum’s side. The vacuum falls off the table and on to its side, landing on something that honked and fired a laser. Eddie hops down and pushes the transformed Roomba off of the strange laser-firing object.
It was what Eddie’s weapon had changed into: a laser firing goose. Having learned not to ask questions about the multiverse, Eddie lifts the goose and begins firing at James. James’s shell takes hit after hit as he tries to muster up an ice beam, but it appears this form has no special powers. The vacuum somehow rights itself and rushes towards the poor tortoise, still maintaining control over itself despite no longer being robotic. It knocks James up into the air with the force of its dash, allowing James to board the vacuum. The two charge towards Eddie, whose laser goose’s beams have proven to be less than lethal. Eddie tosses the goose aside and dodges the oncoming vacuum.
Saberwulf’s head again begins to glow, changing the room they were in and the businessmen into new forms. The room was now made entirely out of xylophone keys, and the businessmen had grown into massive parade floats that filled the entire room. Eddie struggles to break free from the floats, popping a few in the process. Gezora’s strange new harpoon arm pops a few as he struggles to get free. James bites the floats to make room while the transformed Roomba tries to find Eddie amidst the puffy businessfloats. Saberwulf starts to suffocate, and Eddie can hear the wolf’s desperate attempts at breathing. Saberwulf’s empty head was creating havoc in this battle, and Eddie knew one way he could fix the damaged brain.
Eddie bounces around the room, hitting the xylophone keys on the walls and floor in the way only a kung-fu trained panda could. It was difficult to make out, but the xylophone’s keys played a sound similar to the bass riff used by Eddie to heal his friends during the scuffle in the streets. Suddenly, saberwulf’s head wound begins to heal and the ice keeping his mouth agape begins to thaw. Saberwulf’s claws thrash the parade floats that were suffocating him to bits, and he stands up, now entirely glowing in the strange light. James and the vacuum come charging towards the reinvigorated wolf, stopping short so that the tortoise’s heavy shell would come launching towards saberwulf with all the strength of inertia.
Suddenly, the arena is again engulfed in a bright light.
James, now a Squirtle again, bounces off saberwulf’s facemask harmlessly. It seemed the four fiters were changed back to normal and now in a new arena. The ground was pink and squishy, and the only light came from the aura that still surrounded the merchant. Roomba picks up Squirtle from where he fell on the ground and the two rush away from their two opponents. Saberwulf goes up to Eddie and surrounds the two in police box that bolted itself into the squishy ground. Squirtle wonders what they are doing, but suddenly the Roomba is screaming and going towards the box itself. Squirtle turns around just in time for a massive wave of PEP to flood the pink tube that now served as an arena.
They were in PEP Simian’s intestines.
Squirtle manages to swim against the soft drink stream until the PEP is gone, its arms desperately struggling to keep hold of the Roomba so it doesn’t get washed away to the more unpleasant parts of the intestines. The two tiny competitors gather their bearings as the police box dissolves from around the taller fiters. Saberwulf rushes towards Squirtle and Roomba, hurling a punch with the strength of a freight train. The EXACT strength of a freight train, because the punch launches a literal freight train towards James and the Roomba. A literal freight train… made of straw.
The train comes crashing down on the unfortunate turtle and robot, burying them in a pile of straw. Eddie and saberwulf walk over to the pile, ready to search for a turtle in a haystack.
Fun Fact! Despite my terminology, hay and straw are two entirely different things! Hay is made of cut and dried grasses or legumes and is used mostly to feed livestock. Straw is made of the dried stalks of grain plants like wheat and rye and, since it is less nutritious then hay, is used more for making things, such as bedding (or trains!), or as mulch.
And you thought Fite Yer’ Mates couldn’t be educational!
James had lost track of the Roomba since they were both buried in straw, and he hoped the robot was ok. He begins to dig his way out of the massive pile of dried stalks of wheat or rye. When he finally managed to get out of the pile, he finds the arena now entirely dark. He wasn’t sure if they were still in PEP Simian’s intestines, so he is cautious as he gets out of the pile of straw. The ground felt like the original arena’s, but Squirtle knew to be skeptical; that multiverse merchant and his roadie friend were somewhere in the darkness, and they probably had night vision goggles or something.
Suddenly, a spotlight reveals a giant rare candy amidst the darkness. Squirtle was dumbfounded by its size and sudden appearance, but he knew if he could eat it, he’d level up and be that much closer to evolution. James runs towards the giant candy and begins to unwrap it. Before he could dig in to the level-raising sweet, another candy fell down and bonked the Squirtle’s head. It didn’t hurt, but the two candies were bigger than Squirtle. “Two candies? That’s two levels! That’s all I need to evolve!” James jumps for joy, but another rare candy fell down in front of it. It was raining levels!
Squirtle was ecstatic by the rare candy rain, but he noticed something: the giant candies were beginning to pile up around it. James struggles to push down the candies, but they begin to cover him entirely like the pile of straw had before. Squirtle struggles desperately to get out of the pile before he could be crushed by the giant candies. When his head popped out at the top, he found the rain had ended. He sighs, relieved and happy to be in a pile of 15 giant rare candies. The candy had distracted him though; next to him, Eddie brought down the Seperator directly on Squirtle’s head.
“Sorry little dude, I’m in it to win it.” Eddie pulls his axe from Squirtle’s head, allowing the tiny turtle to sink into the pile of candies that could have pushed him all the way to level 29.
Saberwulf, who had set up the rare candy rain, turned the lights back on. It was, in fact, the original arena once more, but they had lost track of the Roomba during their little candy gambit. Sure, they’d leave the candies there for Squirtle after the fite, but they still had a robotic vacuum to kill before the match could be over. The straw pile was gone by now and somehow the Roomba had found a hiding place in the rather empty arena.
Eddie and saberwulf scoured the arena, but they hadn’t realized that the Roomba was actually in the candy pile as well. It had just found the lifeless body of Squirtle, and somewhere in its robotic mind, it felt a sense of dread and anger. The Roomba’s front opened up, and a wide variety of tools spilled out; the same tools it used to kill an innocent Snapper before.
The robotic vacuum comes rocketing out of the rare candy pile, its tools slashing up the floor beneath it. Eddie turns around just in time to see the Roomba and lift his axe back up. A literal pistol from inside the Roomba now fires, tearing a hole in Eddie’s shin and causing him to fall to the ground once more. The Roomba uses its tools to pull itself onto its Eddie’s body, cutting holes in the roadie’s side as he struggles to sit back up. The Roomba dashes up Eddie’s torso and begins to unleash every tool it has on Eddie’s face, slashing, pounding, and grinding it into a bloody mess.
The Roomba vacuums up its opponent’s liquefied face, a maniacal laugh accompanying the whir of the vacuum’s systems. Saberwulf laughs too, he can’t help but be tickled by the Roomba’s sudden ruthlessness. Saberwulf shrinks himself down, mounting a horse and now dressed in knight’s armor. He pulls up a jousting lance, pulls down the helm's visor, and charges towards the Roomba.
“HAVE AT YOU!”
The various murderous implements of the Roomba tear up the ground as it charges towards the miniscule saberwulf. Saberwulf leaps from his horse before the two meet though, and the horse shifts into a rocket laden panjandrum. The odd weapon explodes as the Roomba’s weapons tear into it, severing the deadly tools and leaving the Roomba with nothing but its initial weaponry. It switches back to its normal form, instead opting to use its BB gun to try and take out the tiny merchant.
Pellets fly past the merchant has he pops in and out of the ground Whack-A-Mole style. At this point, saberwulf it just toying with the powers of multiverse rather than focusing on the actual fite. The Roomba begins to growl in frustration, and the merchant begins to hurl tiny college football cheerleaders at the Roomba to goad it on. The Roomba’s BB gun goes back inside and it charges forward, sucking up the unfortunate cheerleaders who were plucked away from their dormitories. Saberwulf changes the ground beneath them into quicksand, but not in time to prevent the Roomba from sucking him up as well.
As the Roomba sinks into the sand, saberwulf whirls around inside of the vacuum. The sheer force of the robot’s suction has disoriented him, preventing him from making any coherent universe-shifts to help aid him inside the Roomba’s body. Atop the Roomba, the tiny Aperture Science Sentry turret begins to move. It crawls inside of the vacuum as the entire Roomba becomes submerged in the quicksand.
The suction of the vacuum stops, causing saberwulf and the cheerleaders to stop spinning inside of the Roomba. Saberwulf drops to the bottom of the robot’s insides and fractures his tailbone. A scream of pain accompanies the injury and the arrival of the turret. Two machine guns pop out of the turret’s sides and it begins to open fire on the injured merchant, who scrambles out of the bullets' path. Several bullets graze his legs, but they don’t cause anything more than flesh wounds. Saberwulf curses to himself, regretting his change in height as the turret continues its relentless bullet volley.
Using the powers of the multiverse, saberwulf constructs a scaled down version of St. Basil’s Cathedral in an instant between him and the turret’s gunfire. Saberwulf struggles to try and fix his wounds, but his limited knowledge of medicine leads to him snapping bones instead of repairing them. The college cheerleaders had begun to crowd behind the cathedral as well to hide from the gunfire. One of them suggests that saberwulf bring some medics there with his multiverse powers to help heal him, and he does so. With a burst of light, the Medikidz appear. 5 heroes from the human-shaped planet of Mediland, the 5 heroes (and a brain with robot legs apparently) begin to patch up saberwulf’s wounds and fix the broken bones. How? Superpowers I guess.
The turret peeks out from the other side of the cathedral and opens fire, killing some of the cheerleaders and Medikidz as the now healed saberwulf ducks out of the way of the gunfire. Now healed, saberwulf’s multiverse powers begin to lift the Roomba’s chassis out of the quicksand and into the air. Saberwulf’s boots melt instantly and harden around the ground. The turret finishes mowing down the other people in the Roomba as saberwulf begins to shake the robot's chassis violently. The turret goes rocketing throughout the insides of the vacuum, losing legs and getting dents as saberwulf harmlessly remains fastened to the ground by his melted boots. As the shaking continues, the body of the turret ends up hurled towards the merchant, dislodging him from his boots and pushing him onto the ground. The turret’s machine guns aim at his head and fire…
But not quickly enough! Saberwulf’s multiverse powers activate, restoring him back to his normal size.
The tiny bullets of the turret do little damage to saberwulf’s boots, and the entire Roomba is smashed by the merchant’s return to regular size. Gripping the wires of the demolished Roomba, saberwulf makes the letters KO actually appear above his head.
A soothing bit of bebop jazz plays as fireworks launch into the air, exploding into actual sabers and wolves and saber-wielding wolves. Tiny saberwulf bobbleheads go on parade through the arena as the revived forms of the college cheerleaders cheer for saberwulf. Saberwulf bows to the crowd and materializes a tractor, which he then rides out of the arena and into a sunset of his own creation.
The multiverse has emerged victorious, and our universe wasn’t altered too badly by his influence. However, it seems our referee Cutthroat Gezora is chasing after saberwulf. He wants to have a word with the merchant…
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