Fite 49- Kaktuskrieg (Doktor Hanz vs. Saguaro PI)

New York City. Being a private investigator in this den of crime was difficult enough for your average detective, but for a cactus used to life in the southwestern United States, it was Hell. The unforgiving streets weren't friendly to the root system of the dick, but Saguaro PI still kept to his guns. Busting criminals with just his service pistol, his mitts, and his wits, the jaded plant had found his only comfort in booze, bloodsport, and dames. His dame had left him long ago though, and only later did he get the news that she was killed by a sexy nurse and some kittens. Finding comfort in the drink and the battling beasts of Zoofights, Saguaro found himself called out of his slump when he heard Doktor Hanz was back and looking for a fite. Fiting was all he knew outside of private investigation, and maybe busting his opponent's instrumental chops in the arena would help him uncover the answers he was looking for in this city.

Never had Doktor Hanz felt so much like his country. Rising into prominence through his victory in one of the first ever Fite Yer' Mates during Zoofights V, Hanz had the respect and fear of the world. Unfortunately, when he entered the arena again, he fell to a Frenchman and a robot, falling like the proud Fatherland did in World War I. Hanz was not down and out though. He entered the biggest conflict of its kind, the Big Bar Brawl, but competitors from France and America trounced him, his equivalent of Germany's loss in World War II. Now, he recovers from his losses bumpily with beer and battles with a badger, but he finally saw his chance to regain his former glory. His American opponent from the Big Bar Brawl, Saguaro PI, was willing to fite him one on one, and after having his personal chef prepare a link of wurst thicker and stronger than any before, Hanz returned to the Fite Yer' Mates arena so he could prove that he still had that German might.

Tonight in the arena, it is Saguaro PI vs. Doktor Hanz. It's time for Fite Yer' Mates!

Gezora, a former ally of the accordion-headed German, cheers for the Doktor and gives the signal to start the fite. The first move of the fite is of a bullet out of a gun's barrel. Hanz immediately begins a dash, predicting the volley of bullets that began to fly his way. Some of the ammunition managed to skim through the Doktor's torso, turning the sides of his uniform red. The damage is not deep though, so the German had no trouble ignoring the pain as he closed in on the stationary cactus detective.

It was when the private investigator needed to reload that the instrument-headed hero of Germany decided to go in for an attack. Swinging his sausage in a manner immune to innuendos, Hanz smacked what might be called the cactus's head with his big hunk of meat. Spines broke off and stuck in the meat, but this is not a cartoon, so the meat didn't get instantly stuck to the cactus. The impact created bruises in the side of the plant, so Saguaro briefly abandoned his difficult task of reloading without fingers and focused on a bout of fisticuffs with the Doktor.

Saguaro slammed a frond into the side of Hanz, inflicting not only the damage of a good punch, but digging spines into some open wounds as well. Doktor Hanz retaliated with a heavy slap with his massive wiener. The PI felt his roots yank out of the ground from the impact, and the cactus was down on his side. Doktor Hanz stood over the fallen plant and began slamming his foot into the tall plant, his boot breaking huge holes into the vulnerable plant's body.

Saguaro struggled to quickly reload his weapon, but again his odd cactus arms made it difficult. Hanz was getting more and more damage in, and if he wasn't done soon, the Saguaro PI would be a Salad PI.

The click of bullets into the chamber alerted Hanz that it was time to go back on the defensive, but his realization was not fast enough to dodge the first speeding bullet. The Doktor's boot, soaked from the green insides of the cactus, now had a fresh red hole in it. Hanz tried to walk, but the leg severely crippled his nimbleness. Saguaro began rolling about on the ground, trying to lift himself back up so he could continue the fite. Out of anger, Doktor Hanz uses his good leg to deliver a harsh kick into the Saguaro's side.

The plant rolled like a floating log beneath a lumberjack's feet. The spinning cactus clung desperately to his pistol as he rolled like a barrel right across the arena. The large cactus slammed into the referee, littering the cuttlefish's skin with his spines. Saguaro painfully pulled himself away from the ref, and was barely able to dodge an angry swing of a tentacle that could have crushed the plant into pulp. Gezora got to work removing the tiny spines as Saguaro pulled itself back up and aimed his revolver once more.

Hanz could not dash about like before, but when Saguaro PI fired his gun, that didn't matter. The spinning and the damage to his body made the detective inaccurate, and the bullets gave a wide berth to the nearly stationary Doktor. The round was emptied, and Saguaro reached for a reload, but found no ammunition. The bullets had fallen all over the arena floor as he rolled about earlier. The cactus, naturally slow in movement due to his position in the Kingdom of Plantae, moved towards the lost bullets, but the Doktor was able to limp much faster than the saguaro could scoot.

Kicking the bullets further away from the Carnegiea gigantea, Hanz swung his bratwurst around once more, and Saguaro tried his best to fite back. A punch from the plant misses its mark, swinging uselessly past the accordion head of the German, but the Doktor used the frond's position to his advantage. The hefty meat swung upwards and snapped the arm of the cactus clean off!

Hanz was delighted to have removed an entire arm from his opponent, and that is probably why he didn't see the other frond swinging around and jabbing right into his neck. The loud and frantic sound of Doktor Hanz's accordion head bobbing is heard as the Saguaro jostled his spiky arm around trying to cut the jugular, but the odd head of the German made his neck even odder, and Saguaro was unable to cut any major veins before he got smacked loose with the bratwurst. Hanz backed up, relying on the end of the sausage link to do the damage rather than aiming for stronger blows by being closer to the cactus.

Saguaro had survived worse cactus plugging before, and Hanz had the resolve of a proud German soldier. Both were heavily injured, but neither was ready to die yet. Saguaro backed up a bit and smoked some of his cigarette to try and calm down. Hanz took the moment to wrap a wound with a bit of cloth torn from his sock (because he'd never tear his actual uniform!). There was an unspoken truce as the two regained composure and prepared for round 2.

Saguaro's cigarette was finished and discarded, and Hanz quickly abandoned his wound nursing so that his foe could not get the drop on him. The big bratwurst once more swung towards Saguaro, but the cactus was calmer now. He saw the trajectory of the wiener and raised his arm, seizing it. Hanz tried to pull it away, but the sausage was stuck, the spines of the cactus finally digging deep enough into it to keep a firm hold on it. Saguaro turned the tables on Hanz, swinging the meaty weapon at the Doktor now.

Bruises appeared on both Hanz's body and his former weapon as the meat made marks from its strong slams into the accordion-headed man. Hanz tried to his his foe during the assault, but even though the cactus had lost many spines already, the Doktor found it hard to find a place to land a hit without getting his gloves punctured by spikes. Hanz wouldn't be able to inflict any damage on Saguaro's hide, but he had left many holes open in the cactus earlier.

In a risky dive that may have been accompanied by his leg bone finally giving out, Doktor Hanz dived past the swinging meat and jammed his hand into the cactus's juicy interior. The Doktor began pulling out chunks of the Saguaro's insides, putting the private investigator through a living hell. Unfortunately for the plant, the Doktor was on the side that he had lost his frond, so the Saguaro had no way to retaliate. The bratwurst didn't have the range needed to reach the Doktor, but Saguaro came up with plan.

Even as chunks of him were removed by the German, Saguaro maintained his calm and lifted his roots out of the dirt. With no hold in the ground, he was able to push himself towards Hanz, the entire spiky weight of the detective falling down on the injured Doktor. Hanz tried to stand back up and push the cactus off, but his leg was too weak and he could not lift himself up. Still elbow-deep inside his opponent's side, Hanz began slamming his other fist hurriedly into the plant.

Saguaro returned the blows, but the sausage was now lost in their struggle. The extreme closeness of the battle made slugging each other the way to go. Both competitors were on their last legs, despite one not having legs and the other having broken one already. If either of them had faces, we'd see looks of determination and pain. The two began rolling around together, spines puncturing a uniform as a hand still probed the interior of the plant.

As they rolled about, Saguaro's roots could be seen kicking about uselessly, but finally one of the large ones found leverage in the dirt. The rest of the roots quickly dug in afterwards, and Saguaro was able to pull himself away from the Doktor and back up to a proper standing position. The suddenness of a cactus standing up made Hanz lose his hand's position inside of the plant, so the German began a desperate crawl towards the PI's weak point.

Saguaro shifted its position in the ground so it was facing the crawling man, but he found his lower portion completely giving out as he did so. Having too little support inside to hold up his weight, the top of the cactus broke off and fell to the ground. Both fiters were now immobile, and Hanz definitely had the advantage. Sitting up, Hanz scooted over to where they had abandoned the sausage and returned to the fallen cactus.

Hanz began smacking Saguaro PI like he was an invulnerable pinata, but unlike an invulnerable pinata, the blows from the bratwurst left huge marks on the weak exterior of the cactus. The private investigator had one frond and no real way to retaliate against the assault, but if there is one thing a dick doesn't do, it's surrender when someone is hitting you repeatedly with his meat.

Saguaro PI shot his frond out towards the ground, causing him to roll once more, but before he rolled off into the arena, the PI put his arm up for a strong hook to the accordion head of his opponent. There was a sick sound as the spiny arm punctured the instrument, and the cactus rolled off with a big hunk of Doktor Hanz stuck to his arm.

After his roll slowed to stop, Saguaro PI looked back at his opponent from across the arena. Something seemed off. It looked like the body of a normal man was laying down in the dirt. Saguaro, on what you might call his back, pulled his frond up and looked at the hunk of Hanz he had wrestled free before rolling away.

On the end of his arm, was the entire accordion head of Doktor Hanz.

Saguaro PI can't smirk, but he felt smug as Hell. The plant continued laying there on his back, taking in the fite he had only barely survived.

The German falls once more, and the detective has proven his might.

Gezora makes the victory announcement.

"Saguaro PI is, unfortunately, our winner. Gezora would show him he is not so tough, but the spines have stuck Gezora's tentacles to Gezora's body. Gezora can't wait to retire..."