Fite 57- A Lotta Personality Disorders (Wheatley vs. Lotta and WALL!!)

"All the beauty lays in the personality"
-Zac Efron, the wisest philosopher and theologian of the 21st century

When Zac Efron waxed philosophical on the nature of beauty and personality, never did he think of the competitors who fite in the arena today. One is a personality core named Wheatley, a little robot who doesn't realize that he is dense in more ways than one. The other is Lotta, a collection of butterflies that make speed freaks look calm and collected.

Of course, neither competitor could really hurt each other if they didn't bring weapons. The butterflies have carried in a billhook, whereas Wheatley decided to bring a fucking massive turret called the Animal King. This battle seems to be HEAVILY lopsided, but these two fiters and their questionable mental states will make an otherwise cut and dry battle a fite for the ages!

Tonight's Fite:

Lotta is fluttering about excitedly, the billhook constantly switching between the feet of the many butterflies. "Ooooo we cannot wait to start! Are you ready Wheatley? Pleeeease say yes!"

Wheatley was nestled inside the crown atop the Animal King. He looked down at the butterflies, "I believe I am ready! I mean, I won't be doing quite that much from my perch, but the Animal King needs some time to start. I am currently hacking into his mainframe and trying to activate his central processing unit..."

Wheatley was doing nothing of the sort, he was just wiggling around in the crown to try and rouse the Animal King from sleep mode. Lotta begins to get impatient and charges right up towards Wheatley. Wheatley screams, which finally alerts the Animal King to the presence of targets in the vicinity. A red beam of light comes out of its eye and searches around, eventually seeing the cloud of lavender butterflies flying up to Wheatley.

"Hey Wheatley, we were wondering if you need any help up here getting your big cool turret working!" Before Wheatley could respond to the little insects though, the laser sight locked on the butterflies and the turret's guns began to fire. Bullets tear through a large amount of the insects, causing the remaining ones to fly up and around the top of the turret, just out of the reach of the turret's guns.

"Animal King! I command you as your king to aim higher! Well, I am not quite a king, but I am in charge around here! Don't you see my magnificent crown... that I'm sitting in. Yes, it is mine, you just thought it was yours because it was on your head! I am the King of the Animal King! I am step above kinghood. I am some sort of GigaKing, or TerraKing. No, TerraKing sounds like the King of Earth, but I am your King, Animal King! So get working!" The Animal King does not care to listen to Wheatley's jabbering, instead it continues to move its red beam around, seeking the lavender bugs.

Lotta had been dwindled down to a force of about 20 butterflies, and the group now struggled to hold the billhook. Eventually, the weight was too great and the weapon fell down from their grasp right towards Wheatley. "Sorry! That was an accident!" they screamed as the billhook slams down and dents Wheatley. The billhook bounces off of the sphere and down to the ground, causing Lotta to dash down quickly to try and reclaim it. The Animal King catches sight of them once more now that they are lower, and it begins to aim.

The sparse amount of butterflies was too hard for the turret to reliably lock onto though. Every time it was about to lock onto one, another butterfly would fly by and throw off the beam. The butterflies begin to slowly lift the billhook off the arena's floor, and the turret finally found a reliable target. Another barrage of bullets went towards Lotta, but this time aimed at the billhook. Many ricocheted off the metal, while other stray ones took out a few more butterflies.

Lotta reached the eye of the Animal King, struggling to grip the billhook as bullets pounded into the cutting tool. Pulling back and waving forward their weapon even as some of their numbers were demolished beside them, the remaining butterflies let out a huge "Heave ho!" and slammed the billhook into the Animal King's eye.

The large eye's explosion took out a few more butterflies, and now it seemed they did not have enough strength to lift the billhook. It cluttered down to the ground below.

The Animal King ceased firing, unable to find a target properly now. "You dumb animal! Can't you fire without your eyes? Do you have any instincts, like 'fire when I'm probably going to die'? Or 'suddenly learn to walk and trample those butterflies'? Gah! What do I do now..."

Lotta piped up, "You could try hacking him again? We can wait! We want this to be as fun as possible!"

Wheatley spoke again, "Oh yes, thank you Lotta! But I did not really hack it earlier... What to do, what to do? I need some sort of plan, something to get me out of this bind... HEY!!" Wheatley screamed as the impatient Lotta began to bang its entire kaleidoscope of butterflies against the Animal King's side. The King rumbled and was still trying to search for the butterflies, but the rocking was making it uneasy.

"I thought you were going to wait! Wait! I've got it! I have a big blue eye which can see things, and the turret needs one of those! Not specifically blue, I'm sure he would settle for green or yellow... Puce maybe. Color doesn't really matter for vision anyways." Wheatley rolled towards the crown again, propelled only by the rocking turret and his own limited ability to move some parts. A bit of luck sends Wheatley and the crown toppling down below right into the empty cavity that once held a big red eye.

"Woooah! Did you do that on purpose? That is amazing!!" Lotta said, still slamming against the turret since it was so much goshdarn fun!

"Of course it was on purpose! I never do anything not on purpose. Now then, Animal King, attack!" The Animal King grunted from the continued butterfly assault, but the robot seemed to be unaware Wheatley was even inside its eyehole. "Wake up you stupid brute! Do you want to be turned into a decorative fur rug and walked on by butterflies in muddy galoshes? Open fire! Shoot your guns!"

The Animal King seems to acknowledge Wheatley this time, its weapons popping out and getting ready to shoot wildly at a foe it could not see. Lotta thought this was interesting of course, but the guns popping out shifted the center of gravity just enough for the cloud of insects to finally push the giant turret over. "Timber! He he he!" shrieked the butterflies happily as the Animal King hit the ground with a loud thump. Wheatley bounced out of the eyehole and rolled across the arena.

"Dropped again, the universe just seems to love seeing poor old Wheatley hit the ground! Now I am unarmed. Okay, I was not 'armed' per se, but I am weaponless, although the Animal King probably was more of an assistant than a weapon. Depends on who you ask. All subjective really..."

Lotta listened to Wheatley talk with interest. They found him pretty funny! But they remembered why they were there too. Fluttering by the personality core, they began to try and lift their billhook off the ground despite their earlier issues with it. They found with their collective strength they could hover about 2 meters in the air while the billhook dangled in their legs.

Wheatley was hoping to somehow roll himself over to the toppled Animal King. Guns work even when they are on their side after all. However, the Animal King's internal systems detected it had fallen over, and with a loud bass groan of "Goodnight" the Animal King went into sleep mode. Wheatley had a few choice words for the now useless turret, but he saw the butterflies slowly bringing the weapon over to him. He had no way of attacking while in this position.

"Looks like this is the end for me... NOT!"

Wheatley let out an odd beep, and suddenly the loud sound of trundling metal legs was heard getting nearer and nearer. Wheatley's battle carriage, meant to be used in his upcoming battle with WALL!!, came slamming through the wall.

"Ha ha! I know you might see this as cheating. But some of the greats cheated! Ben Johnson, Mark McGwire, the 1919 Black Sox... even George Washington probably copied his classmates' notes on chopping down cherry trees!"

The spider-legged machine seemed to have some trouble reaching Wheatley though. Legs tried walking over each other and the machine stumbled about like a drunkard walking up an escalator. Soon the machine slammed into one of the arena's walls.

A spray of sparks and the sound of popping machinery drowned out Wheatley's distressful shouts at his machine. Lotta hovered in place, laughing at the ridiculous movements of the machine. She seemed to have no problem with the personality core calling in a new machine to fite with.

Someone else did though.

"HEY YOU! MR. GIANT TALKING TIC TAC! THAT'S A DIRTY TRICK TO PULL ON A HOT BABE! FIRE SWORD BAAAAAARRRRRFFFF!!!"

It's WALL!! He jumped the gun and decided to join this battle instead of waiting for his own match! Spitting his sword Dwrynwyn at Wheatley, WALL!! screams for satisfaction!

"I WANT SATISFACTION! BOTH BATTLE KIND AND THE SEXY KIND, hey Lotta when we're done here wanna pick up some bagels or tacos?"

"That sounds fun WALL!!!", Lotta replies, "I love your name, you always have to scream it! WALLL!!!! WAAAAAAALLLL!!!! WAAAAAAAAALLLLLL!!!!"

Looks like the personalities just got a whole lot more disordered around here! Yes, that pun does work! Shut up and wait for the next part!

"Well shiiiiit, that was a fire sword? I can't be using a fire sword!", a calendar pops up next to wall, "It is clearly 'Wind' season on the elemental calendar!" WALL!! begins to blow air at Wheatley, but since he has no special air-blowing powers, it does nothing, especially since they are nowhere near each other.

Let's do a little catching up, shall we? Dwrynwyn, WALL!!'s sword, has a peculiar property that makes anyone but Rhydderch Hael, its original owner, refuse to use it as soon as they find out about its powers. Also, its only supposed to start on fire if used by a wealthy or well-born warrior, so make of that what you will. However he was able to say "Flaming Sword Barf" without noticing the odd properties of the sword until afterwards is something else I must also leave to your imagination in order to maintain my own sanity.

ANYWAY, Dwrynwyn did sail through the air majestically, but when it hit Wheatley, it bounced off without doing much. The metal of the personality core saved it both from the flames and the sword that wasn't that sharp anyway to be honest.

Wheatley's battle machine still rammed itself against the wall repeatedly as it struggled with its shoddy design, but it was not slamming against the WALL!!, just a wall. Lotta meanwhile was still holding the billhook, hovering at a point between the WALL!! and the Wheatley laughing her collective butterfly ass off at the machine's performance.

All caught up? Then let's continue this fite!

As WALL!! struggled to blow Wheatley around despite being many feet away, Wheatley was letting out the strange beep he used to summon the machine once more. The machine eventually stopped injuring itself and dived towards Wheatley, scooping up Wheatley like one of the Brothers Atlantic eating a penguin during some odd whale-specific drinking game. Wheatley positioned himself properly and hooked himself into the controls. A large shock hit him as soon as this happened.

"AAAAHHH actually that felt kinda good. Let's try that again. AAAAAAAHHHHH That's good electricity! One more time, just one more time and I'll go back to fiting." A loud pop rang out as Wheatley let the machine shock him once more. "Okay, enough of that! Really, I think I felt something break! But what... Oh god, oh god I can't smell anything! Wait, I could never smell anything. Hmm, maybe if I run a Damage Assessment program... Oh no, I think I broke my Damage Assessment parts!"

Who knows what actually broke in there because Wheatley did not have any "Damage Assessment parts". After getting over his brief electrical high and brief hysteria, Wheatley turned the battle carriage towards WALL!!

"Curses!" WALL!! cursed, "Machines are resistant to wind magic! I'll have to switch up tactics!"

WALL!! disappeared. The face on the wall could teleport to any wall and reappear, and he used this to teleport in front of Wheatley's machine and taunt him.

"HEY BUDDY! BET YOU COULDN'T HIT THE SIDE OF A WALL WITH A BIG METAL MACHINE IF YOU WILLED IT TO MOVE FORWARD!!!"

WALL!!'s jeers made Wheatley send his machine forward, ramming it into the spot where WALL!!'s face had appeared.

But the face in the wall had teleported away and further to the right, avoiding the hit completely.

"NICE HIT! DO YOU SPANK YOUR MOMMA WITH THAT MACHINE?"

"That makes no sense you shifty piece of drywall! Get him, you malfunctioning twit!" Wheatley urged his machine forward and into the wall once more, but still he could not hit the WALL!! Lotta giggled as the butterflies watched Wheatley's machine slam over and over into walls to try and hit the teleporting face. Limbs of the machine fell off and parts of it smoked and exploded. Lotta dropped the billhook for now and flew into the machine, the butterflies getting to work on tearing apart wires and gears.

Suddenly, the potato gun on the undercarriage began to fire. "Oh yes, how could I forget! The 'Spudinator'! No no no, 'The Potatorturer!' Yes, that is a good name for a potato cannon!" Wheatley laughed maniacally as the potato gun fired sporadically around the arena. He had no idea he wasn't controlling it though, it was just a malfunction of Lotta's manic tinkering.

Tubers littered the arena floor, and WALL!! was looking nervous. He knew he wouldn't be hit by the sad excuse for a war machine, but those potatoes were a major risk...

Another wire was torn by Lotta, but this time it served to help Wheatley. The potato gun was now under the control of the blue-eyed bot, and now he was aiming it directly at his foe's face. WALL!! did his best to dodge, but the face could not teleport away fast enough to avoid the spud shooter's rapid fire.

Potato after potato slammed into his face. Wheatley laughed harder and harder, unable to choke out a good insult do to the severity of the laughter. Soon though, the spud cannon ceased fire, its ammo depleted. Wheatley calmed down, "What now WALL!! You thought you were tough, but I know your weakness! It's like Paper-Rock-Scissors, but Potato-WALL!!-... something weak and stupid! Because that is the only kind of thing you could defeat WALL!!"

WALL!! looked up at Wheatley, his face clearly exhausted. He wanted to continue fiting, but his face was beginning to disappear... WALL!!, now hardly visible at all, looked up towards the heavens and screamed, "MOMMA! I'M COMING HOME TO YA MOMMA!"

And with that, WALL!! passed away, his face never again to pop out of nowhere to say silly stuff...

"That's not so fun..." said Lotta, the flock coming out of the machine when they heard Wheatley taunting WALL!! "Who is going to get tacos with us now?"

Meanwhile, somewhere far away...

"IT WAS TERRIBLE! First, he was all tough picking on these pretty little butterflies, and then he starts hitting me with POTATOES, MY ONLY WEAKNESS BESIDES ALL THE OTHERS!"

"Oh deary, you can't let the bullies get to you!"

"I KNOW MA, but he was going to HURT THEM! I tried my best, but he was just such a BIG FAT CHEATER!"

"Now now honey, no name callin'! Just drink some tea and tell your mommy all about. It's gonna be ok, child."

WALL!! was apparently not dead at all. Just...

Drinking tea and complaining to his mother.

Back in the arena, Wheatley's machine sputtered and spurted as it tried to turn around. Lotta was floating there, not as cheery as usual, but the manic energy still present. However, it was time for the group of bugs to learn to use that energy productively!

Wheatley began to lift the machine's spider-like legs to try and squash the remaining bugs. The machine groaned and complained as it struggled to comply. "You are worse than that so-called Animal King! Squishing is easy! It is a bit like clapping, but instead of using hands, you use feet and the floor!" The foot still struggled since Wheatley's insults really did nothing to this machine, it had no individual personality like the turret did. Lotta easily weaved around the leg, enjoying Wheatley's taunts a bit but remembering quickly what Wheatley did to WALL!!

Diving in, the kaleidoscope of butterflies lifts the personality core out of its perch atop the machine, lifting it high into the air. The machine's groaning got louder and louder, and then suddenly....

If Lotta had only been a tiny bit slower, or had not even chose to try and separate the two robots, Wheatley would have died just now and lost to her. Instead, Lotta continued flying higher and higher.

"Put me down!" Wheatley screamed, but then he looked down. "No! See what you've done? Separated from its owner, my machine was to depressed to live and it killed itself! That has to be it, yes. Of course it took its own life. It was so well put together and blueprinted. I guess charming charisma can have its downsides."

"No Wheatley! We had to take you away! You were being naughty, hurting our friend like that! You have to play nice or else we will put you in the naughty corner!" Lotta had reached the arena's roof as well as its corner. Dropping Wheatley from this massive height would surely put a dent in him.

"Oh no. No no no no no! You are not going to do what I think you are going to do, are you? You better not drop me! This is supposed to be fun, right?" Wheatley's pleading caught the attention of the butterflies.

"Yeah..."

"Well, if you drop me, that is not fun. Not fun at all! You know what is fun?"

"Oh! Yes! Yes we do!"

Lotta began to swing Wheatley around really fast.

"WOAAAAAHHHH NOOOOOO THIS IS NOT WHAT I MEAAAAAAAANTTTT!!"

Wheatley was still a bit weighty, so when Lotta twirled him around quickly, she could not maintain her grip. The sphere flew far across the arena, slamming against the ground and breaking off plating from the core's back and bottom.

"MOTHER OF ALL DROPS!!! I cannot believe it! I'm going to need to install a parachute at this rate..."

Wheatley had quite a bit of momentum from that swing, so he began to bounce around the arena, the walls serving as bumpers and the potatoes on the floor guiding his rolling.

Lotta giggled and flew down to try and join in the fun. The insects tried to catch the rolling ball, but a game of Tag with a high-speed robot is not the safest activity.

Without even knowing he was doing it, Wheatley rolled right towards Lotta. The butterflies were ready to push the core around like a Katamari, but the last bit of momentum the sphere had maintained was too much for the remaining bugs to block. The orb rolled over all of them.

Wheatley's rolling slowed to a halt, his body covered in the blood of the lavender butterflies.

"Where are those nasty butterflies! I swear when I find them I am going to drop them! Well, I would have to remove their wings so that they would actually hit the ground instead of just flying away, and that might take a while. Maybe I could drop something ON them, but that lacks the appropriate "revenge" feeling that dropping them would entail..."

Wheatley continued ranting to himself for quite a while, his back sparking and smoking. He had no idea he had just defeated both of his opponents, if you could call it that. He was more or less present for their defeats though, and that is what counts in Fite Yer' Mates!