Fite 36- Warped Reality Warpers (Hella Jeff vs. Doomrider)

HELLO!

Now that the formalities are out of the way, it's time for another fite! Tonight in the arena are two beings whose grip on reality is so loose you could probably slip a herd of pink pachyderms through it no problem. Returning to our arena, a being who proved to us he is more than just a poorly drawn stoner, HELLA JEFF! His competitor for the evening is a newcomer, a marine from outer space who has consumed more drugs in his lifetime than food, DOOMRIDER! Both competitors are riding in style, Jeff has the car, and Doomrider has his bike. Let's do this everyone. Hella Jeff and Doomrider, prepare to Fite Yer' Mate!

 "Na Na Na Na Na Na NA NA NA NA NA NA!"

With a plethora of "Na"s, Doomrider rides in on his motorcycle through a strange portal. Screeching to a halt in front of our referee, Doomrider reaches out and pilfers Gezora's referee cap and quickly snorts it up, somehow achieving a high from it. Gezora quickly replaces his cap and is about to scold the Daemon when suddenly an odd engine could be heard.

"VROM VOOOM"

Hella Jeff arrives on his vehicle. Then he gets inside of it in the blink of an eye, making those unfamiliar with his ways question why he rode in on it or how he got inside it so quickly. The crappy car spits JPEG artifacts out of its tailpipe as it moseys on over to Doomrider without its wheels ever spinning. Doomrider turns his bike around in what ice skaters would call a triple axle and then faces his poorly rendered opponent. Doomrider revs his engine, and Jeff revs his back. It's on.

Doomrider and Jeff both push their vehicles forward, neither doing it literally, but in this fite, that possibility can't be ruled out. Jeff's car sails towards Doomrider, whose bike is tearing straight ahead. It appears we have a game of chicken folks! Doomrider's face scrunches up into one of determination, whereas Jeff's face still has that blank stare on it. The vehicles get closer and closer, neither willing to turn away!

And neither of them did.

Doomrider's bike tears right through the middle of the car. Doomrider roars in delight, but the two parts of the split car turn around. It appears the car is not dependent on its parts for functionality. It just functions!

"HE HE HE. I gues you coud call this a SPILT DECISHUN!!"

Both halves of the car seem to glide towards Doomrider, who begins to rev his engine and take off in the opposite direction. Jeff chases after Doomrider, who is driving straight towards a wall! Rather predictably, Doomrider's bike rides up the wall and onto the ceiling, the marine now driving over the arena and in direct opposition of gravity. Jeff's car stops before it hits the wall and glides slowly upwards into the air until it is also on the ceiling. Suddenly, the ceiling BECOMES the floor!

The entire arena is somehow flipped over, and the audience and ref spill onto the ceiling. Jeff and Doomrider seem to ignore this though as they both begin to plow forth towards each other again. This time though, Doomrider is reaching for something...

Oh my! What's this? An illegal weapon! Doomrider has brought a sword to the arena! Or wait, I don't think he brought it... I think he somehow made it while in the arena! I guess that's not technically against the rules... So the sword is good, folks! As Jeff and Doomrider both fail to chicken out in the game of Chicken again, Doomrider makes sure to slash the car with his sword this time. The car, rather than splitting into four pieces, shatters into a thousand chunks of stretched color. Jeff stumbles out of the car, still in a driving pose despite losing anything to steer. Doomrider's bike 180s in a split second and the Daemon readies his sword to cleave his blue jump-suited foe and end it.

Before he can though, Jeff is back flipping motionlessly through the air. Jeff lands on the servant of Slaanesh and clasps his hands around the eyes of the skull-faced marine. Even as the fire on Doomrider's skull burns at his body, Jeff hangs on to the marine long enough for Doomrider to lose control of his bike. The bike skids and slides out from beneath the Daemon, sending both him and Jeff into a tumble. A tumble that just keeps happening!

As the two continue tumbling, Doomrider tries to lash out with his sword, while Hella Jeff tries to lash out with his bare hands. Slaps and sword swipes make contact, and soon the strange drug-addled blood of a Daemon of Slaanesh spills onto the fallen blood of a being created in Microsoft Paint. Although the two continue their tumble battle, something strange is happening in their spilled blood. The two reality bending being's powers are combined through the sanguine unity, and soon a strange infection spills forward from the blood, transforming the arena.

Doomrider and Jeff's tumble ceases, and Doomrider punts the young man away. Doomrider spikes his sword into the ground to celebrate the punt as Hella Jeff somehow passes through a yellow goalpost. Doomrider goes to retrieve his bike and starts its engine. Scooping up his sword as he passed, he drove his bike towards the still sailing Hella Jeff, but up ahead he noticed something odd. The arena seemed to have disappeared. The world was changing.

Jeff landed in some grass as Doomrider continued his approach. The Daemon had seen many alterations of the world through his many various highs, but not ever one this... REAL.

Doomrider stops to marvel at the world around him for a bit. There was nothing grimdark about it, nothing heroic, nothing cartoony or spectacular. The world was just so... plain. They were on some country interstate, with the silhouettes of a nearby city's skyscrapers just visible. Hella Jeff appeared to be freaking out. This world was too high quality for the poorly rendered dude. Jeff starts shedding large blue chunks of pixels, only to see them immediately disappear.

"This is not kool dufe, NOT COOL."

Doomrider stops his environmental spectating and gets back to the matter at hand: murder. Doomrider's bike seems to scream as it's engine reignites, and Doomrider chases after Hella Jeff, who is still able to carry himself through the world without leg movement.

 "HE HE HE, the drumryder cant cache me!"

Hella Jeff taunts the Daemon as he somehow outruns the motorcycle of Slaanesh's servant. Doomrider laughs at his opponent's confidence and begins to kick it into higher and higher gears, some of the gears higher than the bike even had settings for. Doomrider's bike roars past regular vehicles, who are pulling over to stare at something they've only ever seen in fiction before.

Hella Jeff still somehow stays ahead of his opponent. Doomrider begins to throw his sword like a boomerang, repeatedly missing but always getting his weapon back. Doomrider realizes he can't catch his opponent when he's this high on drugs. He needs to be even HIGHER! As he roar pasts a van, he lifts it up and inhales the exhaust, quickly giving him a gasoline high and somehow giving his bike the same effect. Doomrider's bike finally gains the boost it needs to zoom in close to Hella Jeff. But before the bike reaches the fleeing Jeff, the blond-haired boy hops over the median. The cartoonish character flips around with a single frame of motion to face Doomrider, who comes crashing through the median with his sword at the ready.

 Doomrider goes in for a killer swing once more, but Jeff grabs the sword and hurls it into a car effortlessly. The driver veers of the road as the sword from another world begins to somehow dissolve the car's hood.

"This place is achuly prety ballin. I thin I May JUST SHAK UP HERE!"

Hella Jeff screams as he begins to fly up high, bringing Doomrider up with him and hurling him down into the road. Doomrider, his bike still clenched between his legs, somehow is able to drive vertically up towards Jeff. The front tire of the bike slams Jeff upwards and sends him spiraling towards the ground. When he lands in a spray of pixels, Jeff finds his head crushed beneath a large tire. Doomrider's rear back tire begins to spin at RPMs higher than man has ever counted too, tearing chunks off of Jeff. Jeff's body was beginning to disappear.

Suddenly though, the road begins to wobble. The street beside them rises up and slams into Doomrider, freeing Jeff. Nearby streets rise up into the air and begin to ball around both Jeff and Slaanesh's servant.

Jeff laughs again. "Gues i can mess with this place this heer, two!"

Doomrider unleashes a stream of unusual curses as he tries to race out of the tomb of tar forming around them. Soon though, both Jeff and Doomrider are trapped in a giant ball of highways, freeways, road, avenues, and all other varieties of streets.

 Within the ball, there is only darkness... except for Doomrider's flaming head! Doomrider can see a few inches around him, but it's not enough. He can't tell what is going on in the street ball to well, and he had a feeling his odd opponent could.

"Well fuck all this straight to the biggest fuckhole! I can't see a fucking thing! Hm... Any problem can be solved one way! BY GETTING FUCKING HIGH!!" Doomrider roared in glee and laughed as he pulled his bike in front of him and reached for some drugs in its compartments. However, he noticed some fragments of Jeff's unusual body on his tires.

"HELLLLLLLLSSSSSS YEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH! IT'S TIME TO FITE FIRE WITH FUCKING FIRE!!!"

Doomrider scoops up the JPEG fragments and snorts them. The servant of Slaanesh begins to slowly change form...

 "NA NE NO NI NU NERF NANNY NAP NARWHAL NAIL NAA NAAA NAAAA NN N EN!!!!"

As Doomrider's body begins to shift more and more to resemble that of Hella Jeff's, the world around him becomes clearer. It appears within this ball, Jeff was recreating his own world. The streets that made up the walls, ceiling, and floor were now one single grey color with a yellow square line down them. The cars that had ended up squished into the ball with them had transformed to look more like the car Jeff had earlier in the fite. Doomrider needs a moment to handle the switch from super realistic to super unrealistic, so he sits and relaxes on his bike. From afar, Jeff watches unnoticed.

Without even a signal, Hella Jeff sends forth two creatures similar in appearance to himself to combat the Daemon...

 That was definitely interesting...

After having recovering from his NARLY FASE PLAINT and the pilfering of his bike by Sweet 'BUS and Hella Pech, Doomrider finds himself standing unarmed in the strange world of Hella Jeff.

"You lick it heer? Pretty sik? Huh. Joyn me Dom Ridr, and toget her we can rool the galacksy!"

Doomrider looks at Hella Jeff, who is wildly convulsing in laughter.

"Shure dufe. Zounds FUCKIG awwsome!"

Hella Jeff stops his hysterical fit and looks at Doomrider. Doomrider was talking like him, and agreeing with him? "TOOBULAR!!!"

Hella Jeff flies towards Doomrider and the two give each other an epic hug!

FRIENDSHIP!!!

 Naaaaahhhhhh, not really.

Doomrider takes advantage of the hug to hurl Jeff into one of the roads making up the walls of the street ball. Taken by surprise, Hella Jeff can't react as Doomrider produces a bag of particularly potent drugs from where he might have had pockets in a more detailed form.

Hella Jeff races towards Doomrider, dodging a swing of the drug bag and slapping the now solid fire hair of Doomrider. Doomrider staggers, but quickly retaliates by jamming one of his jagged JPEG horns into the side of Jeff. Jeff yells in pain and tries to dislodge the horn, but a chunk of Jeff goes with it. Jeff's blood spills out like it was made wit the MS Paint spray paint tool, and Doomrider takes the moment to kick Jeff down with both his legs. Somehow not losing his balance from kicking with both legs, the Daemon than plants them on his opponent's chest and begins undoing the seal of his drug bag. Jeff reaches out and grabs at Doomrider's ankles, ready to swing the Daemon around, but Doomrider has opened his bag of drugs and is pouring it into the always gaping maw of Hella Jeff.

Jeff's body begins to ooze black as the drug reacts negatively. Whatever drug it was, it wasn't meant for someone like Hella Jeff.

Doomrider begins laughing crazily. "I GUESS SOM PEPLE JUST CANT HANDEL THEYRE DRUGS!!! HE HE HE!!!"

 Doomrider, apparently now gifted with the same powers as Jeff as long as he is high on the boy's particles, begins to unfurl the road ball around him and returns to the arena, which is now empty.

"HAY, WHAR IS EVRYONE?"

Meanwhile, on a grassy trail somewhere, Gezora leads a group of poorly rendered spectators through the wild as they searched for their way back.

"Gezora is getting very tired of all these reality bending fiters..."

Fite 35 (Writers: M Sheep and jumpropeman)- Race Yer' Mates

"HELLO, everyone out there in radio-land! I am, as always, your intrepid host: Father Squid! But more importantly, it's finally time for what you all have been waiting for: RACE YER MATES!! A RACE for the Bar Cup sure to provide HOT-BLOODED THRILLS and...uh, SPINE-TINGLING CHILLS!! Co-commentating with me on this EXCITING event is...Are you all right? You seem to have a...bit of, er, blood on your shawl."

"Don't worry about it, it's not mine. Hey kids, This is Sister Alice being plied with a metric fuckton of booze to do this shit yet again. And boy am I going to need it."

Squid: "We now go LIVE to where the ghost who made this all possible....I can't believe I'm going to say this. A plague upon these contracts!..the charismatic and benevolent JUMPROPEMAN!! May your teeth turn yellow and your crops die.

Alice: "Whoo. Go Jumpropeman. Buy the sick fuck's action figure. Eat the cereal. Experience the movie. Yes, kids, we can be bought."

Squid: "We here at Our Lady of Suffering would like to dedicate this time before the race in memory of Foreman Tramadol. May he have finally found the peace he fought so hard for in life."

Good evening, spectators! We have an amazing cross country race lined up for you tonight! 9 contestants from various walks of life riding various vehicles with various weapons! Our competitors will also be racing through various locations!

Starting in the familiar city of New York, our racers will follow the red painted ground that makes up our course until they reach the eerie fog that takes them to Silent Hill! If they can successfully navigate that spooky place full of monstrosities, they will then face a shift in tone so jarring it is bound to make you cringe! They shall race into Toon Town, where cartoon characters live and commit wacky antics all day long! The odd town of toons then somehow will connect to Mt. St. Helens, which we have calculated will blow on their arrival! How convenient! After they pass the lava and silica of the Washington volcano, they shall race up the coast of Alaska and through the woods to the city of Nome. If they can successfully navigate all these locations and cross the finish line in Nome, we have a special prize waiting for them!

Now then, I'll stop boring you with important information! Racers, start your engines or perform whatever preparations your ride warrants! Gamera, Zephyrus, Deleter, Eddie, Erebus, Kirby, Rebecca, Rainbow Dash, and Sarah, it's time to Race Yer' Mates!

Gezora is nowhere to be seen. It turns out the referee is waiting at the finish line, waiting to determine the winner. However, our dazzlingly handsome host Jumpropeman is at the starting line. The motorbikes of Gamera, Erebus, and Sarah roar to life. Zephyrus's hoverboard Mach begins floating in the air, as does Deleter's Vulture bike. Kirby's Hydra floats into the air as Rebecca's BugBike does the same. Eddie, the only person who brought a car, revs his engine as flames shoot dangerously out of the Side Burners. Rainbow Dash flies about in the air, eager for the race to start.

Then, our robust and talented host hits a giant gong, signalling for the race to begin! You'd think he'd use a checker flag... But they're off!

The racers all set off into the bustling Big Apple. Apparently, traffic was not closed off, because the first obstacle many racers face are civilian cars racing towards them! Rainbow Dash has no trouble flying over them, laughing at the other racers, but Zephyrus is hot on her tail. Using his Spark Shock, Zephyrus stuns the flying pony, causing her to tumble from her safe spot in the sky into the traffic below. Unfortunately for him, Zephyrus's conscience does not allow him to let Rainbow Dash get run over and he quickly dives down to saved the stunned horse.

The hoverbike riders have less trouble with the cars than the others, hovering right over the hoods of the cars and freaking out drivers. Gamera rides his undersized bike through the cars without a problem, his massive girth pushing the traffic to the side. Sarah, Eddie, and Erebus all follow in Gamera's wake, using the break in traffic to their advantage. Erebus and Eddie, however, begin to ram into each other, trying to gain early advantages. Erebus's front mounted Bolters can't hit Eddie's rig, but Eddie begins to blare the Sub Woofers on the side of his Druid Plow. The shear force of the metal pushes Erebus into Sarah, causing them both to leave Gamera's wake and slam into a city bus. Erebus and Sarah quickly get back on their bikes as Gamera and Eddie continue down the red painted road.

Kirby, who was wearing an odd hat with a blade, is being pursued by the Deleter on his Vulture. Kirby's Hydra was the faster machine, but the pink puffball flew it slowly so he didn't accidentally destroy any nearby drivers. Deleter, however, took a different approach. Grenades flew out of the bike's AGP-2 grenade launchers, slamming into the ground around the Hydra with thunderous explosions. Kirby nearly falls of his air ride, but the Puffball manages to stay on. Slowing down even more, he turns around to face Deleter and begins to try and slice off the grenade launchers with blades launched from his hat. Deleter swerves about trying to dodge, but the busy streets eventually prove too dangerous for their battle, and Deleter is forced to swerve off the road and into an alley to avoid a dump truck.

Although Zephyrus almost immediately dived for the stunned pony, he wasn't fast enough. Fortunately, the pony landed on top of the sidecar of Rebecca's BugBike. Rebecca was hovering over cars, sometimes grazing hoods with her vehicle's mag-spike. When Rebecca saw the pony, she quickly batted it off her bike and continued racing. A large SUV drove towards the just recovering pony, but before she could be hit, Zephyrus slams down on the car, causing it to halt. Rainbow Dash regains her composure and sets off to race again, Zephyrus boarding his board once more and chasing after her.

Back with Erebus and Sarah, both had gotten back on their bikes, but as the traffic cleared up, they no longer needed to follow in Gamera's wake. The much faster space marine bike and Druid Plow roar ahead as the two buff men compete for the lead. Sarah drives nervously to Gamera's side and begins a dialogue with the kaiju.

"Hey, Gamera?"

"What is it, little girl?"

"Umm... Well, I brought this fire flower, and I just wanted to use it at least once. I know it is weird to ask first, but would it be ok if I melted your tire?"

"Yeah, sure. Go ahead."

Gamera pulled to a stop as Sarah pulled out her Fire Flower. Flames begin to spew from the blossom, melting the rubber of the rear tire on Gamera's bike.

 Sarah giggles as the job is completed.

"Thank you so much Gamera! That was fun!"

"No problem, little girl."

Sarah drives off chuckling as Gamera gets off his bike to remove the melted tire. As Sarah races ahead, something races towards her head!

BAM!

Melted tire meets the back of the mage's head, sending her off her bike and tumbling to the ground. Her bike tumbles off as its motor sputters to a halt, and Gamera quickly shuffles by to take it. Mounting Sarah's bike, he laughs and takes off.

Sarah rubs the back of her head, "Good one Gamera... You got me." When she gets up though, she finds the giant turtle left a spare tire for his bike next to her. Looks like Sarah will be taking Gamera's bike now!

Kirby roars past Sarah as she changes the tire. Kirby also roars past Gamera on a bike that, although bigger, was still too small. Kirby THEN roars past Eddie and Erebus, who were still squabbling. The Hydra can't be stopped now that the road was clear! Kirby happily laughs, but his glee causes him to stop paying attention to the road, and soon he finds himself tearing through a residential block by accident, veering off course. Kirby tries to turn around, but the machine is now ridiculously slow, it's speed lost. As he steers through his destruction, angry residents hurl trash and rubble at him, causing the poor puffball to begin to whimper.

Rebecca seems to have veered off course, taking roads not marked on our route! However, along the way, she finds Deleter, who is lost after the incident with the dump truck. The space marine can tell the woman knows her way around the city, and begins to follow her as she takes a shortcut to a point further down our designated racetrack! Pretty sneaky!

Rainbow Dash and Zephyrus both begin to catch up on Eddie and Erebus. Erebus is trailing behind Eddie on purpose, using his bolters to fire a barrage of bullets at the Druid Plow in hopes of disabling the vehicle. Eddie, on the other hand, was trying to position Erebus behind him just so. Bullets fly past him and nick his vehicle as Eddie unleashes a couple of mines from the back of the car. Erebus pays the price for tailgating.

Erebus and his bike go sailing into the air as Eddie drives away from the explosion, but a sudden thunk in his passenger seat commands his attention. Erebus has landed right next to the roadie, and his bike comes falling down into his arms. Eddie laughs at the moment.

"Hey dude."

"Hey..." Erebus responds in confusion.

Eddie pulls over and lets Erebus out of his car, roaring off as the chaos marine begins to prepare to get back into the race.

Deleter and Rebecca can see the course ahead, and the Deleter takes the moment to fly ahead of the BugBike. Rebecca seems to allow it though, and we quickly find out why. Rainbow Dash slams into the side of the Vulture, causing Deleter and the pony to tumble to the ground. Rebecca uses this moment to turn on to the main course, but then Zephyrus hits her! We have a four racer pile-up!

Gamera rides leisurely ahead and sees Kirby riding out of the residential block sadly. Sarah is back on a bike and back in the race, and Eddie is catching up with Gamera. As Rebecca, Rainbow Dash, Zephyrus, and the Deleter sort out their mess, Kirby, Gamera, Eddie, Erebus and Sarah race forward. Soon, fog becomes apparent on the course ahead. It appears our racers are leaving the first leg of the race and passing into the mysterious town of Silent Hill...

Standings so far:
1st Kirby
2nd Gamera
3rd Eddie
4th Erebus
5th Sarah
Tied for 6th Rainbow Dash, Zephyrus, Rebecca, and the Deleter

Squid: "...Apparently even our enigmatic and genre-savy benefactor couldn't get New York City to slow down for this race! The City that Never Sleeps stops for NO ghost!"

Alice: "Meh, he probably could. Timey-wimey ball and shit. He just chose not to. Pass me the vodka, this whiskey tastes like ass and isn't getting me drunk near fast enough for this shit.

Squid: "I...You mean to say he would just gamble their lives for entertainment. For sport. Now Jumpropeman and I may not see eye to eye, but these folks are his friends. Or at least his comrades, and surely-"

Alice: "Let's just skip the 'Friendship is magic' speech and cut to the important bit. That you're wrong. I would also applaud the incredible leaps in idiocy you've made here, but I'm busy trying to mix up something decent with this shit whiskey beacuse you still haven't passed the damn vodka!"

Squid: "You drank the vodka before we started."

Alice: "Shit! Pass me a lager then...As much as I hate to, I'm going to have to agree with the little pissant. That their lives, not to mention their sanity, are on the line makes it that much more interesting. Higher stakes equal higher tension and all."

Squid: "But that's not the point! I-"

Alice: "Mind you, I've taken shits more exciting than this race."

Squid: "...I.....What."

Alice: "What? At my age, having a bowel movement, when or if you do, is quite an adventure. I've had a had a few where I wasn't sure if I was going to make it."

Squid: "..."

Alice: "Apparently the fact I don't shit sunshine and piss rainbows comes as a surprise to Squiddy, so have a moment free of our prattle to enjoy the race...Looks the good part's coming up next anyway. Silent Hill. Here, have some lager, it'll make you feel better."

Silent Hill was not a good place for an already sad Kirby to fly into. The track, marked in red, disappeared amidst the fog, and Kirby found that he'd be unable to sail through the streets of the seemingly empty town at high speeds. Slowing down to a near crawl, Kirby abandons his cutter power so he can use his mouth for fog clearing. Inhaling the fog is not a tasty job, but it also seems to prove fruitless. More and more fogs just rolls in.

Gamera drives around Silent Hill, not seeming to really care if he's on the right track. He seems to think Toon Town should be fairly easy to spot at the end of such a gloomy town. The massive frame of Gamera seems to fade away in the fog...

Back in New York, the jumbled racers have all ceased jumbling and continued racing. Rebecca blares the BugBike's side speakers to ensure a wide girth, but Zephyrus and Rainbow Dash have no trouble sailing over her and the Deleter. They fly into the fog, but Rainbow Dash quickly finds herself slowing down. She can't find the track either, so she gets to work doing one of the things she does best: cloud busting. The pony's hooves kick out, scattering the fog and revealing parts of the ground, but for every cloud cleared, more appear. Rainbow Dash pouts in frustration, but high above her Zephyrus seems to have no problem with navigation. Something about his optics allows him to isolate the barely visible red track from the fog, and he is currently the only one on course!

Eddie and Erebus have parted ways in the deserted town. Eddie hears odd grumbling around him, and makes sure to drop plenty of mines and keep his weapons all at the ready. The roadie liked fog machines, but this fog was just ridiculous!

Sarah and Erebus's paths intersected briefly, and both could tell the other was exasperated from driving about aimlessly in the fog. The two decide to drive together, hoping that two sets of eyes would allow them to find the right road out of Silent Hill.

Rebecca and Deleter enter the city, breaking the relative silence with loud blaring music. Loud, annoyed grunts could be heard, and Rebecca quickly turns off her speakers, but the odd sounds get closer and louder. Rebecca races off into the town, with little care for direction. She was being pursued, and she could find the racetrack later. Right now, she had to stay alive!

From the mist a creature spots the offensive sound makers on the BugBike and leaps out!

The Romper pushes Rebecca and her BugBike to the ground and begins tearing into the stereo system. If the angry face on BugBike's sidecar could get any angrier, it would now. Rebecca gets up and begins to slam her fist into the beast, but the Romper appears unaffected. It wants to destroy the stereos, and it will not be stopped!

Deleter hears the sounds of the beasts, but he lost sight of Rebecca long ago. What he did see though was Kirby, who he quickly drove over to and apologized to the puffball for the grenade assault. The two reconciled, lightening the star warrior's mood a bit, and they too formed a temporary alliance so they could navigate out of the dreary town.

Rainbow Dash flitted about, unable to find which way to go and getting quickly frustrated. However, the roar of a car engine gives her an idea. Using the Element of Loyalty, Rainbow Dash entices Eddie to come assist. The musician allows Rainbow Dash into his car, and the two drive into the mist. Looking about, the pegasus spots some red leading into a building and points Eddie towards it. Blinded by loyalty, Eddie fails to notice the red was not the painted course, but dried blood...

Erebus and Sarah drive about town until they hear the sound of Rebecca's struggle. They race towards the Romper and both unleash their weapons, flames and bullets slaying the beast. However, they were too late... for the stereos, that is. The loudspeakers are trashed beyond use. Sarah heals Rebecca from any wounds the Romper inflicted on her, and the three race off into the town, Erebus using his superior sight to guide them as best he can. Incidentally, Kirby and Deleter also come across the group, and they trail behind the others, trying to avoid detection for the moment. Kirby pops open his mouth and lets Deleter shoot a grenade into it, giving Kirby the Bomb ability. The two would follow the others to Toon Town and then unload a salvo of bombs on them to gain the lead!

With Gamera unaccounted for and Zephyrus on the right path the whole time unimpeded, everyone seemed to be pretty safe... Oh wait, that's right. Eddie and Rainbow Dash. The Druid Plow's frame tore into the walls of the tight corridors they passed through in the bloody building. If only Rainbow Dash would ease up on the Element of Loyalty, Eddie could easily identify the blood trail they were following. Soon, though, the Druid Plow gets stuck as a door frame prevents its progress. Scoffing, Rainbow Dash flies through the building, easing up her control on Eddie. Eddie is slightly disoriented, but as soon as he regains his composure, he looks around and guns the car in reverse. There was no way he was driving down a bloody hallway in Silent Hill!

Rainbow Dash flew through the building, still oblivious of the horrors it might hold. Suddenly, the filly crashed into something metallic and falls to the ground. Something tall looms over her, and it wasn't happy that it's head was just rammed into.

The pegasus flips out as Pyramid Head swings forward with his heavy blade, and soon the pony is fleeing for her life through the narrow bloody corridors of building. Pyramid Head follows at a disturbingly calm and even pace, knowing the pony's fear will quickly lead it back into his hands...

Back outside, Eddie is gunning the car down the road. Suddenly, he spots a blue dot up high. Believing it to be Zephyrus on Mach, he follows it, and soon he runs into the larger group. It seemed everyone just wanted out of Silent Hill, and they were all following Zephyrus now. Up ahead of the group, a goofy laughing could be heard. Could it be... Toon Town? The group sped up, Deleter and Kirby readied their bombs, and up ahead the colorful town of cartoons came into view. But something was between them and the town. All the vehicles screeched to a halt as they came to the massive frame of a strange beast.

Standings so far:
Tied for 1st: Kirby, Rebecca, Eddie, Erebus, Zephyrus, Sarah, Deleter
8th: Rainbow Dash
????: Gamera

Squid: "RAINBOW DASH! Oh, please stay safe...I can't believe you just LEFT her there, Riggs. I can only hope Gamera-"

Alice: "BOO! Your movies sucked and you should feel bad!"

Squid: "-is nearby, and can lend her aid...I wonder what the giant turtle is up to."

Alice: "Bah! the only reason he's here, is for the PR. Nothing can save his career at this point though."

Squid: "Can you please focus on something other than Mr. Gamera's career?"

Alice: "I could go back to making fat jokes about the little witch, that was fun."

Squid: "Alice, they're in real trouble here!"

Alice: "I dunno, I think we're all better off now that drivel's stopped blaring out the Bug-bike. Gal's got drive, but her taste in music is worse than the Space Cowboy."

Squid: "Alice."

Alice: "Not that I can tell him apart from the roadie. They both look like apes stuffed into a shirt. And have about the same grasp on language as one."

Squid: "Alice."

Alice: "And speaking of stuffed, Greasyhair McPaleass! Can you seriously not navigate this damn town?! Couldn't you traverse whole planets back in the day? Man, you, have really let yourself go. Get your fat luminous ass in gear down there! Goddamn! If your father could see you now, 'I AM AN ASTARTE, DESTROYER OF WORLDS! FEAR ME!!!! Oh noooooooo! Some fog and a few monsters with no armor or weapons!'"

Squid: "ALICE!"

Alice: "GODDMANIT! you don't have to fucking shout! I'm old, not deaf!"

Squid: "Focus. What is is that thing looming over them?"

Alice: "What thing? I can't see anything around Sarah's fat ass."

Squid: "Alice."

Alice: "Don't get your panties in a twist...Lessee...Oh, that's the Incubus."

Incubus. The beast had been floating there before their arrival, killing any who dared venture towards the odd town full of cartoon characters. Now, the demon's attention was focused on the arrivals, and it goes without saying that it is not happy to see people trying to leave Silent Hill.

Our racers did not expect to be fiters today, but now they had to get through this creature to continue the race! Erebus gets off his bike and angles it so he can fire its bolters directly at the demon, but the bullets glance uselessly off the monster's skull. Sarah calmly gets off her bike and readies a blast of Diaga, but before she can cast the spell, red lightning shoots out from the Incubus's center, slamming Sarah into the ground.

Kirby and Deleter both begin tossing bombs up towards the Incubus, but it easily flies around the explosives. Soon, the road ahead of them is littered with craters from the dodged bombs. Rebecca is still on her bike though. The Romper had disabled her only true weapon, and she would not be able to help at all in the battle against the beast. Rebecca begins to try and leave, but red lighting slams into her as well, sending the BugBike spinning into the pavement. Zephyrus flies in close to the Incubus to try and use his claw arm, but the beast grabs the claw and yanks it off. Zephyrus looks down in surprise, but quickly activates his fan to blow the demon aside. He tries to indicate for the others to drive ahead, but the Incubus is quickly back. It tackles Zephyrus, causing the robot to tumble with his hoverboard still magnetically locked to his feet.

Eddie begins to ready a weapon on the Druid Plow he wasn't intending on using: The Eye of Sorrow. Harnessing the power of the Sea of Black Tears, Eddie launches black projectiles at the Incubus. A few slam into the demon's midsection, disorienting it a bit.

"Dudes! I got it! Aim for the midsection!"

Elsewhere, somepony is struggling to escape what appears to be a blood-drenched hospital. Rainbow Dash dashes about, slamming against the walls in her haste to escape, but she cannot find the way. However, she does eventually slam into Pyramid Head again, who held his Great Knife at the ready. Rainbow Dash is barely able to dodge a hefty swing. Rainbow tries kicking at the man's strange triangular head, but the kick just causes him to smack her with the metallic headgear. Rainbow Dash falls to the ground and Pyramid Head begins to kick her about, hurting the poor pony who seemed unable to fight back. Pyramid Head grunted strangely as he lifted the Great Knife up for a killer blow. Suddenly, the element of Loyalty begins to shine...

Pyramid Head hesitated. Dropping the Great Knife, he began to tug at his metallic pyramid, screaming in pain. Pyramid Head never had known loyalty, so feeling the effects of it, he was pushed into further pain than that which he already endured. Rainbow Dash looked up at the flailing man and used his distracted rage as a way for her to limp away. Now burdened with slowness, the pony's movements had to be better thought out. Soon, she had successfully navigated her way out off the hospital! Rainbow Dash fluttered her wings and hovered in the air briefly, making sure she could still do so. But before she could take off, Pyramid Head came rushing towards her, even angrier than earlier. He hefted up his Great Knife and brought it down.

With a burst of strength, Rainbow Dash kicks the Great Knife away, slamming it back into the man!

Pyramid Head falls limply to the ground. Rainbow Dash sighs in relief, and begins to fly as best she can towards the sounds of gunshots. She figured it might be Erebus and Eddie going at it again, but boy was she wrong...

Kirby was trying his best to support the others in the battle, but his bombs kept falling short. Disheartened, he began to move his Hydra about, trying to find a suitable launching point. If he could gather enough speed, the Hydra could tear right through any opponent!

The Incubus noticed Kirby's odd movements. More importantly, it noticed easy prey. Red lightning once more emanates from the demon's core...

The Hydra is down! I repeat, the Hydra is down! Kirby' vehicle is utterly destroyed by the Incubus's attack, and even though the rest were trying to hurt the beast, even successful hits seemed to do little in the way of taking it down. Sarah was busy healing herself and Rebecca and Zephyrus were tending to their damaged rides. Erebus, Eddie, and the Deleter continued their assault on the demon. Rainbow Dash flew in and was about to brag about her victory when her jaw dropped at the sight of the new monster blocking her path. Some ponies just can't catch a break!

The fight against the Incubus raged on to the point of hopelessness. People began considering just forfeiting and getting someone to come rescue them. But on the other side of the Incubus, a familiar figure appeared. On the limits of Toon Town, Gamera stood. He had just arrived, taking some odd side path through the fog, and now he saw the Incubus hassling the others. He could just continue onwards unnoticed and win the race, but something within him stopped him from doing so. He had to help these people, he was a friend to all children, and Sarah was kind of like a child, and Kirby and Rainbow Dash a bit too! Gamera saw that the others were hardly harming the beast, so he considered his situation.

On one side Toon Town, on the other side Silent Hill...

Gamera has an idea! Gamera gets off his bike and goes towards the Toon Town city limit sign.

Shave and a haircut...

A deep rumbling is heard coming from Toon Town...

Squid: "SHE'S SAFE, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN! RAINBOW DASH IS SAFE!"

Alice: "Stop hugging me. Now."

Squid: "...Though a little worse for the wear, Rainbow Dash has defeated the terrible Pyramid Head and is BACK in the RACE!"

Alice: "Alright, even I'll admit it takes balls to kick Pyramid Head in the face."

Squid: "Ah HAH! NOW you see the error of your ways, Rainbow Dash has what it takes to win this RACE!"

Alice: "No. She doesn't. Her inability to slow down and think things through nearly cost her life and it's going to cost her the race. There's a reason runners pace themselves. Until that girl gets her basics down pat, she's going nowhere. Fast...And why the fuck are you so damn cheery, just a minute ago you were practically pissing yourself over The Incubus?"

Squid: "I admit I was worried, at first, but they're really holding their own now. The thing can't push them back into the town"

Alice: "And they can't either. Are we even watching the same fight?! That thing doesn't tire, they do. It's going to wear them down until they can't fight back and that'll be the end of them. I just wish it would hurry up and kill them already so I can wipe my hands of this pathetic affair-"

Squid: "But HOLD ON! WHAT'S THIS?! It's GAMERA! The Defender of The Universe and Friend to Children is here to save the d-Why is he just tapping on that sign?"

Alice: "GODDAMNIT, GAMERA! Give me the lager! ALL OF IT! Hide the cream pies and squeaky horns! Where's the Goddamn air force when you need them?!"

Squid: "...Um, Sister Alice appears to be barricading herself under the desk for some reason..."

Alice: "Shut up, and grab all the booze you can carry! I'm going to need all of it."

No toon can resist finishing the "Shave and a Haircut- Two Bits!" bit. Toons pop out of the woodwork of Toon Town to deliver this line, spilling into Silent Hill. Some flying toons even crash into the Incubus, causing the demon to fall from the sky tangled in wise owl archetypes and an elephant who can fly with its ears. The Incubus struggles for freedom, but the racers are not going to stay and battle it. Some battles just aren't worth fighting, so the group drives into Toon Town. Gamera remains off his bike until Sarah passes by, who he grabs to pull over. Plopping the white mage back onto her bike, Gamera takes his bike back and drives off.

Sarah is still tired from the fight with the demon, so she just lets Gamera do it without comment. Starting up her bike, she ignites the engine and chases after Erebus, who was currently in the lead. Zephyrus tried flying in the sky, but pianos and safes being lifted by weak ropes littered the skyline, making it a more dangerous task than flying low. He and Rainbow Dash both flew close to the street, but wild sentient cars made the streets hard to navigate as well.

Back in Silent Hill, Kirby drops the bomb power. The Hydra was utterly destroyed, but he did have the scraps... Kirby opened his mouth wide and swallowed the remains of the Hydra.

Gamera weaved through goofy traffic, but when he drove over a manhole cover, a cat in a hardhat popped out from underneath it, launching both the kaiju and the manhole high into the air. Gamera fell back down to Earth with a familiar yell. Before he can right himself, Deleter and Rebecca race over the turtle, pushing him down into the ground.

Our racers are neck and neck folks! Besides Gamera and Kirby of course. Erebus, Eddie, Deleter, Rebecca, Rainbow Dash, Sarah, and Zephyrus are all in a group! Rainbow Dash kicks her hooves out at Deleter from above, who tries to swat her away as he drops mines behind him. Erebus and Sarah are forced to swerve away to avoid both the Deleter's mines and the mines of Eddie's rig. The chaos marine and the white mage are forced to swerve onto a side street full of signs indicating all kinds of wackiness. The two continue down the road though, ignoring the signs in hopes that it would connect back to the track.

Suddenly, the road beneath their wheels lifts up and starts swirling about in the air!

The road twists and turns as Erebus and Sarah try to keep from steering off into a long fall.

Back with our cluster of racers, Zephyrus uses a smokescreen to obscure the view of the other racers, much to the chagrin of Rebecca, who ramps off a conveniently placed ramp. The mag-spike on the BugBike's front end grazes Mach, but Zephyrus is able to dodge the blunt of the blow. Zephyrus is forced to fly low to the road again though as a flock of singing cartoon birds swoops overhead.

Soon, the group has reached a tunnel! Eddie passes through first, followed by Rainbow Dash and Zephyrus. Rebecca is hot on his tail. But when Deleter tries to pass through the tunnel...

Deleter should have known that in Toon Town, every tunnel can switch into a painting at any moment! The Vulture explodes as Deleter grumbles about the cliche Looney Tunes shenanigan he fell for. Gamera, who is now back on his bike and racing forward, sees Deleter and his situation. Without a ride, how would Deleter race? Gamera offers his bike, but Deleter says he'll be fine, holding up a thumbs up to show he's ok.

In Toon Town though, there is one guy who answers to the call of a thumbs up.

Benny the Cab!

"Hey man, you called?"

A flabbergasted Deleter looks at the cab, but the cab ain't got time for flabbergasting! Benny pops open his side door.

"Get in! We have a race to win, don't we?"

Deleter gets in and tries to drive the taxi.

"Hey man, I'M driving!"

With a comical skid and one or two busted fire hydrants, Deleter is back in the race, now behind the wheel of Benny the Cab!

As Deleter catches up to Gamera, who was only a bit further ahead of him, the two are surprised to hear what sounds like a jet engine. There are many wacky sounds in Toon Town, but a jet engine sound is not very common. Before the two can even look around to get an idea what could be making the noise, Jet Kirby flies by at top speed!

Benny the Cab smartly grabs onto the puffball's legs, and even though Deleter gets a face full of flames, his suit protects against the exhaust. Kirby wiggles his legs to try and shake them off, but Benny pulls out a lock and locks his wheel-hand onto Kirby's legs, sticking them together. Kirby decides to allow the hitchhiker to stay on for now as he races up to the group.

Eddie was fighting with Rainbow Dash for the lead, and Rainbow Dash was trying to kick it into high gear. Unfortunately for her, the exhaustion of fighting Pyramid Head prevented her from going supersonic, but she still tore ahead of the pack!

And crashed right into the road. Wait, what?!!?

The swerved road Erebus and Sarah had been riding plonked them down on the track and into first and second place, but the moving road had moved right in the path of the pony's flight! As Rainbow Dash gathers her bearings, Eddie, Rebecca, and Zephyrus fly on forward. Soon, though, they too hear jet engine. Jet Kirby blasts through, pushing Eddie's hot rod over and off to the side with his force of power. Benny laughs as he and the Deleter are dragged further ahead.

Rainbow Dash pulls her head out from the asphalt and spits out a chunk of tar. She looked around, but no one was close enough for the element of Loyalty to urge to help her. Rainbow Dash trotted in place to make sure she still could move, and then takes off again, trying to stay within a speed that would allow her to spot wayward roads.

Up ahead, the abrupt end of Toon Town was apparent. Sarah gunned her engine and raced forward towards St. Helens, which was already belching smoke into the air. Erebus followed closely behind, with Jet Kirby and the Deleter's ride close behind. The blue pegasus follows after them, her speed edging closer and closer to the same as Kirby's. Rebecca drives behind them, trying to think of a way to gain the edge over her opponents.

Zephyrus stops to help Eddie right his vehicle and then flies off. Eddie curses, but he sees Gamera behind him and realizes he isn't in last place. Somewhat bolstered by this news, Eddie starts his car off again and roars back into the race.

Gamera saw everyone was way ahead of him, so he briefly got off his motorbike and pulled it and his body into his shell. Gamera flies forward towards the other races, landing only when he reached the edge of Toon Town. As he got back on his goofy bike though, other races passed him up. Gamera may be faster if he were to fly, but he wasn't here to prove that. He was here to have fun!

As Gamera crosses the border onto the mountain, all the racers have now finally passed into the race's last leg! Alaska, Ho!!!

Standings so far:
1st Sarah
2nd Erebus
3rd Kirby
4th Deleter
5th Rainbow Dash
6th Rebecca
7th Zephyrus
8th Eddie
9th Gamera

Squid: "Well, wasn't that a pleasant breath of fresh air after all the gloominess of Silent Hill?! Why couldn't the race have just been like this from the start? Not that I endorse what their doing too the poor toons there.............My apologies for pausing, but usually Sister Alice cuts me off when I say something like that. Oh! Right, she's still barricaded under the desk.........You can come out now, dear. All the scary toons are gone."

Alice: "Gaaaah...Fuck you. I need more booze."

Squid: "A quick recap for those of you that may have been taking a restroom break, or grabbing a snack, or cowering under your desk in mortal terror-"

Alice: "Did I mention 'Fuck you'? Because I think I mentioned 'Fuck you'."

Squid: "-The Incubus was distracted by toons, The Deleter has a taxi, Rainbow Dash can't get a break, and Gamera continues to be such a gentlemen on the field of honor, he may be rivaling Zephyrus in good-sportsmanship!"

Alice: "And continues to be a hack actor. Also, REBECCA GIT YER REAR IN GEAR! If I don't see some hustle I'm going-"

Squid: "To do nothing."

Alice: "....And lots of it! I'll be damned if the racer I'm backing doesn't win!"

Squid: "Yes, an.....Erm, Alice? You appear to be bleeding from, erm. Your face."

Alice:"Yeah, that'll happen. I fucking hate Toon Town. But more importantly, WHY is the damn, dirty ape in a space suit and the puff ball still in this race?! Their rides were totaled! I call bullshit!

Squid: "Well, they were all able to find suitable replacements.You're, um, getting blood all over my notes.."

Alice: "I call bullshit! I demand to talk to the ref and give him a piece of my mind or three."

Squid: "That er, won't be possible. He's in Alaska. Next Stop! Mt. St. Helen!

Alice: "You did NOT just segue-way me?! "

The skies above Washington are dark as Sarah races onto the rocky side of Mt. St. Helens. Erebus follows closely behind her, his bolters aimed at the girl's bike. He didn't want to hurt her, but a couple playful shots around her allowed him to warn her that he was going to try and make this interesting. Sarah rode up the side of the mountain and into some snow, melting it with her Fire Flower. As the snow melted, water raced down the cliff and towards Erebus, but his tires seemed able to handle wet roads! Space Marines may not have Michelin, but they know how to make a tire!

Unfortunately for Sarah, being up in the snow put her near the cone of the volcano. She could feel her bike rumble as more and more ash spewed forth from the top of the mountain. Covering her mouth with her robe, the White Mage uses her position to cut ahead on the track, clearing the mountain almost without incident besides a few shots from Erebus's bolters nicking her motorbike.

Erebus was about to try the same tactic Sarah used, but the ground beneath him cracked open! Erebus is barely able to stop before the lava oozes out of the tiny crevasse. This volcano was getting ready to blow!

Unfortunately, Zephyrus didn't think it was about to blow just yet. The blue robot flew Mach over the cone of the volcano, hoping that by flying over the mountain altogether he could gain the lead. Of course, he was sorely mistaken.

Zephyrus is barely able to leap off Mach in time to avoid the volcano's fresh shot of lava. Mach is melted though, leaving Zephyrus without a ride! Zephyrus looks around the volcano, hoping to find even a scrap of Mach. What he finds instead though are some snowmobiles at a Ranger's Station. Figuring something is better than nothing, he hops onto one of them and takes off into the state of Washington, racing after Sarah. Erebus follows after them, having finally negotiated his bike away from the crevasses of lava forming around the mountain.

Rainbow Dash flies through the smoke with her mouth and eyes closed, successfully leaving Mount St. Helens without much incident. Jet Kirby and his stowaways also face little incident, but Benny complains of the heat, and Deleter gives him a hard smack.

"Hey, I didn't have to take this fare you know?"

"Fare?" Deleter says.

Benny quickly removes the lock from Kirby and lets them fall to the ground in the snow.

"Yeah, you didn't think I'd let you ride for free, huh?"

Oh great, Deleter seems to be arguing with his car! Rebecca uses this moment to race past the two, with Eddie hot on her heels! Rebecca races around the side of the mountain, trying to avoid the Druid Plow's approach. She swerves through lava flows expertly, but Eddie has no trouble doing the same. She doesn't seem to be able to shake him! Gamera putters along on his motorbike behind them, still just enjoying the sights and not focusing too hard on the race.

Up ahead, Sarah, Zephyrus, and Erebus have reached the Alaskan border and are driving on the beach. The course was supposedly down this beach, but the beach was more black than red. Exxon Valdez's load of oil oozed about in the water, a lot of it creeping onto the beach that made the racetrack. As said earlier, Erebus's tires are made for slippery terrain, and Erebus takes the lead as the space marine bike proves its might. Sarah and Zephyrus however...

It wasn't smart to bring the snowmobile to a beach in the first place, but now the robot master paid the price. Both his ride and Sarah's motorcycle slip on the oily sand and into the tide. Both racers scramble into the water to try and retrieve their vehicles, but the rides are quickly washed away into the oily ocean. Sarah plops down onto the sand sadly, but Zephyrus is not ready to give up. He picks the white mage up and tells her to hold on. Sarah does so, and Zephyrus's chest fan quickly begins rotating at ludicrous speeds!

Sarah and Zephyrus are back into the race, now using the winds as their propulsion system!

Jet Kirby catches up with Rainbow Dash and realizes his power was not enough to keep up with the speedy pony. Pulling in close to her, Kirby abandons his power and jumps onto the insanely fast flying pegasus. Rainbow Dash tries to buck him, but doing so only put him in the perfect position to inhale her. The two fall down into the snow together, as Kirby swallows Rainbow Dash and becomes...

Rainbow Dash Kirby! Kirby begins to flap his wings and take off, but Rainbow Dash does so as well. The two are now at the same level of skill, and both are ready to push themselves to the limits of speed!

Down on the ground, a rather large man marvels at something intense in the skies: A Double Rainboom.

Benny and Deleter seemed to have finished arguing, because he is back in the cab and they are racing across the oily beach and slipping about quite horribly.

"I better get what you promised me Del, because my tires are paying for this!"

Rebecca easily hovered above the oily beach, catching up with Erebus in seconds. Rebecca, having successfully lost both Eddie and Gamera to the oily, tire-unfriendly beach, begins to focus solely on taking out Erebus. As Erebus raced to keep ahead, Rebecca readied the BugBike's mag-spike for ramming into the space marine bike. As she edges closer and closer to it though, Zephyrus and Sarah come blasting by with a gale force wind shooting out of Zephyrus's fan. Rebecca is blown away, but she manages to stay on her bike. Erebus, however, is crashed into, but not knocked over. Erebus is pushed along by Zephyrus's body, slamming him further down the track!

Eventually though, the space marine slips off of Zephyrus's back, ending up getting hit by the force of the wind. Erebus begins opening fire with his front-mounted bolters, hoping the ammo would hit the robot's fan and not blow back into his face. The former happened, causing the blue bot's fan to fracture. The wind forces died down considerably as one of the fan blades broke off. They were still moving, but they were reduced to a much slower speed.

Meanwhile, high above, Rainbow Dash and Kirby raced down the track at ridiculous speeds, rainbow trailing behind both of them. It was impossible to tell which one was in the lead, but one thing was noticeable: they were slowing down. The icy climate of Alaska was bad enough on its own, but at high altitudes, it was merciless. Soon, both Kirby's and Rainbow Dash's wings froze, abruptly ending their high-flying antics. The two tiny competitors tumbled down into the snow.

Eddie clears the beach and races on, using the Druid Plow's Side Burners to melt the snow around him. What this meant was that when Deleter caught up in Benny, the two were facing another slippery course.

"I think I will listen to that puffy man and finally switch to Michelin!"

Michelin™, A Better Way Forward.

(What do you mean conspicuous advertising? SOMEONE had to fund this race, and it wasn't going to be me!)

Rebecca, after being blown off the track, hears something odd. Apparently, someone was practicing for the Iditarod, because she could hear the bark of huskies. Following the sound, Rebecca decided to take the unmarked path to the end of the racetrack. She recalled that both the Iditarod and this race ended in the same place: Nome, Alaska. This mystery musher lead its dogs onward. Rebecca pulled up behind it and found something odd...

It appeared Gezora, our wonderful ref, had been delayed in reaching the finish line to judge the victor! Now mushing a sled team full off hundreds of dogs, Gezora raced to Nome so he could declare the victor. Rebecca smirked, and slowly followed Gezora on his path to the finish line.

Gamera was getting kind of annoyed. He trailed behind most everyone! Again pulling his bike into his shell with his body, he flew forward at incredible speeds, landing just around where Eddie was. Stopping to get on his bike, Gamera followed after him, but he quickly lost sight of the much faster car.

Eddie roared forward, spying Zephyrus, whose propulsion had dwindled down to a pitiful 45 MPH. Sarah had no better ride though, so she stuck with him, despite them both barely moving anywhere down the road. Eddie passed them by and drove on, finding Erebus. Erebus's hair was frizzy from the wind assault, but now it was coated with ice as well. Eddie realized something. They were racing into a blizzard.

Standings so far:
Tied for 1st: Kirby and Rainbow Dash
3rd: Erebus
4th: Eddie
Tied for 5th: Zephyrus and Sarah
7th: Gamera
8th: Deleter
Somewhere, hard to tell placement: Rebecca

Alice: "What the fuck is this shit?! Two more competitors without their rides, still allowed to race! There's no way that would have flown back in my day."

Squid: "If this was your day Alice, the racetrack would be uphill both ways, and they'd all be running barefoot."

Alice: "Exactly! It builds character."

Squid: "...I was making a joke."

Alice: "Well then, it appears you’re as good at jokes as your are at everything else. Which is to say, complete and total crap. And what's with this blatant advertisement?!"

Squid: "I don't know, why don't you ask our great and powerful benefactor."

Alice: "Oh, right. Forgot. Bleeding from all the orifices in your head'll do that."

Squid: "...We here at Our Lady of Suffering have an ongoing charity to help clean up Alaska's beaches. Perhaps, now that you have witnessed the gravity of the destruction, you could spare a little to save its ecosystem? Give whatever you can do, it’s not about how much but how MANY donate. A proverb; One raindrop raises the sea."

Alice: "Donate, or I'll rip your throat out with my teeth."

Kirby and Rainbow Dash pulled themselves out of the snow. Apparently, in their race to outrun each other, both had lost sight of the course. Neither had any idea where they were now. Kirby and Rainbow Dash test their wings, but neither set of wings seems to work. Kirby loses the power and inhales some snow to become Ice Kirby. At least in that form he could handle the cold. Rainbow Dash, however, was freezing. Feeling bad for her, Kirby picks her up and starts skating away on the snow, hoping to find something that could warm the pony down. Rainbow Dash speaks,

"I don't need your help! But... but I really appreciate it. Thank you."

Further back, Erebus and Eddie also face issues with the cold. Ice and snow is blown about on the wind, tearing into their skin and blinding them. Both racers struggle to stay on the track, but soon Erebus veers off course unknowingly. The red road was covered by snow, and since he didn't have Side Burners to melt the snow, he veered away from the marked road. Eddie pulled ahead on the designated track, fighting for visibility in the snowstorm. Erebus quickly notices that Eddie is no longer following him and turns around. Barely able to make out the form of the Druid Plow, Erebus races after him, narrowly avoiding racing off into the barren wastes of Alaska.

Well, they aren't quite barren or wastes, but boy are they cold!

Gamera races into the blizzard as well,but his fiery breath allows him to melt the snow that could hurt his face while his shell protects from any ice shards that would scrape his skin. Gamera zooms forward in the melted wake of Eddie, soon overtaking both racers whose names start with "E". Erebus and Eddie both try to stop him with their weapons, but Gamera dodges most of them and allows his shell to block the others. Gamera zooms forward, leaving Eddie and Erebus in his dust.

Sarah and Zephyrus come to the blizzard, but Sarah quickly casts NulFrost on them so they may safely pass through the snow. Unfortunately, it was still at the slow speed-limit-friendly pace of 45 MPH, so they failed to catch up with anyone in the snowstorm.

Deleter and Benny however are still having problems. Benny is trying to argue for the use of a cartoon hole to take them to the finish line, but Deleter insists they'd be disqualified for teleporting. Benny gets grumpy and refuses to drive forward, but then Deleter whispers something. Benny, apparently having whatever deal he had with the Deleter sweetened, races into the blizzard. Deleter is unaffected by the snow in his suit, but Benny gets angry. He stands on his rear wheels, somehow grabs THE ENTIRE BLIZZARD, and chucks it elsewhere.

"There! Now we can race no problem!"

Toon Logic. Ain't it the best?

The racers continued forward down the track without ice whipping at them. However, someone was still taking the back track. Gezora leads Rebecca closer and closer down the backroads to the finish line, and Rebecca begins to brave a confident chuckle. Suddenly, Gezora reaches behind and grabs both Rebecca and the BugBike. Enraged that it was followed, Gezora chucks Rebecca out of the forest they were in and back onto the track. Apparently, she was also in first now, but Gamera, Eddie, and Erebus were close behind!

The four race forward towards the finish line. Nome was visible. They just had to make it there...

Suddenly out of the forest skates Ice Kirby, who had Rainbow Dash on his back. Rainbow Dash leaped off and began trotting, then, breaking the ice off her wings, began flying forward. The two tiny competitors tried to keep up with the four racers ahead of them, but their exertion and earlier icy dilemma had taken their toll.

Meanwhile, Sarah and Zephyrus are nearing Nome as well. They could see all the other racers up ahead, and Zephyrus pushed his fan to spin even faster despite damages. Soon, Zephyrus and Sarah sail forward in the sky, a tornado from the robot master's chest pushing them forward.

Deleter, meanwhile, realizes they are STILL in last place! He slams his fists down on Benny's hood, pressing a very convenient Deus ex Machina button. Suddenly, Benny's tires inflate to a ridiculous size, and fire spews from the back of the cab! Benny roars forward, trying to catch up with the other racers.

All nine racers are racing towards the finish line! This is intense! Anyone can take it! Will the Deus ex Machina button seal the deal for Benny and Deleter? Will Zephyrus's last push give him the acceleration he and Sarah need to cross the finish line first? Can Kirby and Rainbow Dash use their naturally fast speed to pull ahead and take the race? Will the four racers up ahead be able to exploit their lead and win the contest?

Let's find out! Here they come! Gezora is at the finish line! Here they are! And...

IT'S OVER!

The racers all spill through the finish line within seconds of each other. But who took first? Who won? Let's take a look at the photo, because this was most definitely a photo finish!

 Smart move Gamera! By leaning in, your big head crossed the finish line first! Gamera is the Race Yer' Mates champion! Gamera, your reward for winning is a massive new mount fit for a turtle of your speed and cunning. Gamera, you have won the luck dragon Falcor!

Gamera boards Falcor and flies off into the sky victorious.

Now that we have our winner, let's look at the standings. What were the final places for the competitors?

1st: Gamera
2nd: Rebecca
3rd: Eddie
4th: Erebus
5th: Kirby
6th: Rainbow Dash
7th: Zephyrus
8th: Sarah
9th: Deleter

There you have it folks! This has been Race Yer' Mates!

"Gezora wishes to congratulate Gamera, but Gezora must go. Gezora rather enjoys racing dogs, and it must now train for the Iditarod!"

Squid: "Ladies and Gentlemen, the WINNER of RACE YER MATES! IS-"

Alice: "GAAAAAAAMEERAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!

Squid: "ThisisFatherSquidsigningoutwishyouallthebestgoodbyeee!"

Fite 34 (Surprise Fite) - The Adbots Strike Back (Yahoo Bot vs. Bing Bot)

3 months ago, Yahoo [Bot] showed Google [Bot] who was boss in the arena. The two adbots fought to the death for the right to advertise in the bar, and Yahoo Bot prevailed. However, our friendly Yahoo Bot's territory has been breached by an adbot of a new kind: Bing [Bot]. Yahoo Bot, it's time to defend your claim to the bar. Get ready for a surprise fite everyone, because Yahoo [Bot] and Bing [Bot] are about to throw down. It's time for Fite Yer' Mates!

Yahoo Bot hovers into the arena, dragging Bing Bot in so he can fite the blue robot for the claim to the bar's advertising rights. Bing Bot bangs his magnifying against the sleek white robot, but predictably Bing Bot does no damage to its opponent with such a weak weapon. Yahoo Bot tosses its foe to the ground, and Gezora signals for the two robots to rumble!

Yahoo Bot charges forward, using its head as a ram to push Bing Bot back. Again, the representative of Microsoft's search engine bangs futilely against its robotic foe with its goofy yellow magnifying glass as it it pushed by the round robot, but it realizes it should probably think of a new approach. Dropping his magnifying glass, Bing's robot grabs its orb-shaped opponent and flips up onto its back, riding the hovering droid like an egg-shaped pony. Yahoo Bot tries to spin Bing Bot off, but the blue robot grabs Yahoo Bot's arms and uses them as reins, maintaining its hold on the white robot. Luckily for Yahoo Bot, his slippery surface causes the human-shaped droid to slip off and dangle from the orb robot's arms. Yahoo Bot tries to shake Bing Bot off its arms, but the blue robot is persistent.

Lifting its opponent up to its face, Yahoo Bot then presses one of the buttons on its chassis. The "Play" button. From internal speakers, Yahoo Bot blares something from its insufferable OMG! service: a video of Kathy Griffin. Have you no mercy Yahoo Bot!?!?

As Kathy Griffin begins to discuss her butt sweat at audio levels capable of harming human ears (not to mention in a voice that is that harmful too), Bing Bot's audio sensors explode, causing Bing Bot to let go in surprise. Bing Bot drops to the ground in a roll and prepares to fite its foe deaf. Yahoo Bot stops playing the insufferable, unfunny rant of the D-List celebrity and begins to charge towards its foe once more, but Bing Bot appears to be opening its chest! Out of its chest flies a tiny colored butterfly.

The MSN butterfly intercepts Yahoo Bot midair, somehow grabbing the orb shaped machine with invisible legs. Yahoo Bot tries to swat it, but the butterfly easily dodges the frantic swings and begins going for the optics. One of Yahoo Bot's eyes shatter in a spray of sparks, but the sparks light the butterfly's wings on fire. Seeking refuge from the sparks, it flies straight into the ruptured optic and goes into Yahoo Bot's inner workings.

The multi-colored butterfly gets to work tearing apart wiring from within Yahoo Bot, causing the egg-shaped machine to lurch about awkwardly as Bing Bot resumes its assault. A loud sound was coming from within Bing Bot as it punched Yahoo Bot's tough chassis, denting it but causing no real damage. Luckily, the MSN butterfly was doing tons of damage on the inside. However, it soon stumbles into a part of the wiring occupied by a large engine. As soon as Yahoo Bot registers the butterfy's new position and why its blue opponent is making such a loud sound, it begins to rev up the engine. The MSN butterfly tries to move away, but gets tangled in the wires around the engine. The engine begins to become extremely hot, burning the poor colorful butterfly to death.

The two robots get noisier and noisier until finally they both throw their hands up. Aiming at each other, both bots release the power of their search engines.

Images of various things fly out of the hands of both robots. Unpopular political cartoons and pornographic images that shouldn't exist slash open holes in Yahoo Bot's side as poorly drawn anime art and stock photos with obnoxious watermarks shear through Bing Bot's metal. Images litter the arena as pictures of cat memes and babies cut into both fiters. Soon, however, both Bing Bot and Yahoo Bot have their image arsenal dwindled down to icons and tiny logos, so they stop their projectile fiting and resume biffing each other. Yahoo Bot's hovering does give it the advantage though, as Bing Bot must wade through Savage Chicken comics and pictures of office equipment to even reach his opponent. Bing Bot slams his fist into Yahoo Bot's underside, sending the white bot up into the air. Seeing a chance to replicate its winning maneuver from its fite against Google Bot, Yahoo Bot uses the extra air to drop down in an elbow drop!

YAHOOOOOO-

REJECTED!

Bing Bot hurls envelopes at Yahoo Bot, the Hotmail melting parts of Yahoo Bot's chassis. The hot e-mails cause Yahoo Bot to miss with its elbow drop, slamming into a pile of images of graphs and sports stars. The images cover the robot entirely, and as Bing Bot wades over to try and finish the fallen Yahoo Bot off, it suddenly sees its foe moving through the images like Bugs Bunny through dirt. Bing Bot begins to fire more Hotmail, burning images but failing to hit Yahoo Bot.

Underneath the images, a damaged Yahoo Bot considers its position, and lifts an arm up to press another one of its chest buttons: "Fast Forward".

The suddenly speedy Yahoo Bot closes the distance from it to Bing Bot faster than the blue robot can react. Grabbing the representative of Microsoft's search engine with both arms, Yahoo Bot flies up out of the images and high into the sky. Bing Bot struggles, but its arms are held tightly by Yahoo Bot. Kicking at its opponent's chassis, Bing Bot struggles for its life as the two robots sail at high speeds towards the arena's roof.

With a final vigorous push, Yahoo Bot slams Bing Bot into the ceiling, crushing the robot's head and its CPU. It emits one final sound as its systems shut down.

YAHOO [BOT] wins again! Thus proving that among the adbots, Yahoo shall always be king! Leaving Bing Bot lodged in the ceiling, Yahoo Bot drops to the ground, its systems overloaded from having to work after so much internal damage. Luckily, it lands in a pile of images of amateur photography and screenshots, preventing its fall from breaking it any further.

Gezora grumbles as it picks up a broom so it can clean the arena of the images.