It’s time to…
FITE YER MATES
On the other side, Lightwing, the newest addition to Optimus Prime’s Autobots, stretches and exercises, much more focused and serious about this Fite than her tiny opponent. Men in suits have joined the crowd – executives from Hazbrute, who hope that the new Transformer will breathe life into their stagnant, dying market by drawing in an unexpected new demographic – young tomboy girls. If Lightwing wins this, she could potentially be their new cash cow.
There’s a lot of money riding on this one.
Gezora eventually manages to push (and eat) its way to the starting bell and gives it a hearty whack with the hammer.
And Lightwing begins the battle by immediately transforming into a plane, much to the bemusement of her puffball foe. With a roar of engines, she soars up into the air, circling the arena over the heads of the enthusiastic crowd at least three times before screeching to a stop, hovering in midair like some metallic kestrel. It would appear that she is showboating, but the Transformer has shown herself to be a kind, gentle sort of robot, so such a display of flying seems incredibly out of character for her. The Hazbrute executives immediately begin jotting things down and whispering among themselves, seeking some way to make a profit out of this.
Kirby stares up at the plane with wide eyes.
And then hops up and down on the spot, poyo-ing cheerily. Before the crowd’s eyes, he whips out that magic star phone of his and dials a number. One short burst of poyo-poyo later and the Warp Star is here, glowing bright enough to blind audience and executives alike. Kirby hops on and flashes a cocky smile at the hovering plane above him.
Well, ladies and gentlemen, it would appear that Lightwing has silently challenged Kirby to an aerial dogfight.
Didn't expect this, did you, sports fans?
A technician, only just having been told what the fuck is going on, dashes backstage and yanks on a lever. With much grinding and clanking of gears, the roof of the arena splits along the rim, opening up like a giant steel clam to allow the contestants open air for this Fite. To the roar of the ecstatic crowd, both Transformer and Star Warrior rise out of the arena into the cool evening air of the city, Kirby's expression unreadable as he grips the handle of his Star Rod as if it is a lifeline. Lightwing's expression, in plane form, is nonexistant.
Then Lightwing's engines kick into gear.
Kirby has barely enough time to jink sideways, just avoiding being clipped out of the sky by one of the jet's wings. But the buffeting cone of air causes him to spin like a top, and he squeaks in surprise as he clings on for dear life. Before he can recover, Lightwing has swung around for another pass, and now her jet form's laser cannons open fire, aimed right at the puffball.
Thankfully, Kirby is a small target for such a big robot, and he is merely buffeted by the explosions and surges of energy. But this is the Star Warrior's cue to FIGHT THE HELL BACK. When Lightwing sweeps by again, the Star Warrior makes sure to complement his dodge with a swing of the Star Rod. A glowing, star-shaped projectile bursts forth from the end of the legendary weapon, striking the Transformer on the flank and leaving a burnt scar as it explodes. The Autobot gal wobbles, but stays on course.
But Kirby has no intention of letting up now. With a determined "Poyo!" he kicks the Warp Star into action, shooting after the retreating Autobot and firing more stars at his foe. Many of them miss, but a lucky few manage to strike Lightwing on her wings or on her body, leaving light burns. In response, Lightwing begins to twist, flip and roll in an effort to fight back, her laser cannons on overdrive. The Star Warrior copies her motions, mixing in dodging with retaliatory attacks.
On the ground, the Hazbrute executives go bonkers as they try to recalculate their profit margins.
Eventually, this deadly midair dance comes to a rather unfortunate conclusion. Growing tired of taking random potshots, a buffeted and slightly-singed Kirby decides on a more direct approach.
He stops the Warp Star in mid-air and turns, watching Lightwing as she turns around like a metal shark on the hunt. His eyes narrow as his foe draws closer, and he raises the Star Rod like a baseball bat, the same way one raises the bat before scoring a Home Run. No longer does he wish to be constantly running from a foe equal to him in power. At least, that's what he'd say if he was a bit more grown up.
Lightwing has long forsaken her laser cannons. Now, as her engines protest at the mind-buggering amount of fuel being shoved into them, she sees only an opportunity to ram her opponent out of the sky, bringing him back down to the ground so that the Fite can continue properly. Targeting systems lock onto the tiny Star Warrior, her computer brain calculating trajectories and chances of success.
But there is one thing a robot cannot calculate.
And that is what happens when you get hit with the actual Star Rod.
Jinking to the side, Kirby does exactly that, bringing the full power of the Star Rod to bear. The blow rips off a wing, and the jet Transformer's circuits scream in agony as she begins that classic death spiral of planes about to plow into the dirt. Smoke and sparks billow from the injured part as Lightwing plummets with ever-increasing speed towards the arena.
Right into the crowd.
There is a crunch and an explosion of wood and dust. People go flying.
When the dust settles, Lightwing is buried nose-first in the stands, smoke billowing from the torn-off wing. Her glass windshield is cracked, there are dents and burns on her chassis and her one good wing looks rather crumpled. The Hazbrute executives howl in fury as the prospect of a new toy and a thousand recolours seems to go down the drain.
A look of horror crosses Kirby's face. He didn't mean to do that! This was meant to be a friendly battle, and he'd gone too far!
He swoops down towards the crash site, concerned for his foe/friend.
"Lightwing po-yoooo?"
In Lightwing's cabin, something flickers...
YOU GODDAMNED FOOL KIRBY
NEVER GET CLOSE TO A TRANSFORMER WITH A HUGE SWORD!
With a "KREE-KRAH-KROH" and a movement too fast for human eyes to follow, Lightwing has transformed back into her robot self, suddenly brandishing a sword almost as big as herself in both hands. With a scream, she brings it sailing trough the air towards Kirby, the sharp edge literally cutting the air in half with a violent hissing.
It also cuts Kirby...
...into two Kirbies.
The identical puffballs, taking up quite a lot of room on the Warp Star together, blink in confusion and look at each other.
"Poyo?"
"Pooo-yo poyo."
"Po-yo poy!"
Whatever the two are discussing, they don't do it for long, because Lightwing's sword is coming for them again. With a squeak of panic, the leading Kirby takes control of the Warp Star and yanks sideways, and the twins are just saved from becoming quadruplets. The Hazbrute executives cheer, realizing the marketing opportunities if they included a giant sword in their model. The other Kirby grips the Star Rod and gets ready.
Now it is a desperate game of cat-and-mouse. Both Kirbies are agile, and are able to dodge the Autobot's wild swings with ease, but the potshots they take from the Star Rod, for they are moderating themselves after that disastrous crash, are not enough to faze the robot. Conversely, every swipe of Lightwing's massive sword would render normal man or beast into two useless lumps of flesh, but the swings are much too slow to catch the flitting, glowing star. The crowd goes wild, cheering for Transformer and Star Warrior in equal measure as the two combatants weave back and forth across the sandy arena floor. Some disputes occur over as to who has the advantage in this Fite, which in turn leads to fisticuffs.
This could go either way, sports fans...
It still looks as though it could go either way. Both Kirbies and Lightwing are tiring from their combat, but neither seem to want to give in. Lightwing's attacks are becoming slow and sluggish, but the Kirbies are growing slower in their dodging. Sooner or later, one of them has got to give.
Then the driving Kirby notices something. The glass window of Lightwing's cockpit is shattered, and with every swing the Autobot leaves it vulnerable. It is split right open, revealing the interior of the cockpit and the computer control banks, with all their different functions.
He gets an idea, and taps his companion.
"Poyo-poyo!" he demands. It's clear that he has a plan in mind.
But the other shakes his head. "Poooy-yooooo," he responds, not liking the idea. He gets a bonk on the head for his troubles.
"Poy poyooo! Poyo poy!" The driver tries to reason. The plan seems dangerous, but it also seems their only chance of winning a fight against such a large opponent.
The other Kirby pauses, unsure, then sags in defeat and nods.
"Pooooy..."
The driver Kirby nods. Now, as they jink back and forth from the massive sword, the twin Star Warriors seem to be drawing closer to Lighting, not away, as before. In her tiredness and fury, the Autobot jet doesn't seem to notice this, and her swings grow wilder and more far out as she tries to-
The lead Kirby jumps.
...
...HOLY SHIT
HE'S GOING IN!
"That's what she said! HI-YOOOOO!"
GET OUT OF HERE, RICKY!
*One punch-up later*
Toothspit. Sorry about that, sports fans. As you can tell, the driver Kirby has just jumped into Lightwing's cockpit, and is mashing buttons and pulling levers in an attempt to slow the Transformer down and give his twin an opening. It's clear from his expression that he wants to do this as painlessly as possible, but Lightwing still grimaces as she loses all the strength in her limbs and sinks to her knees. The Kirby left on the Warp Star looks apologetic as he flies up to about face-level with the Autobot.
"Poy poyooo," he groans, before lifting the Star Rod...
And this is why you don't let Kirbies pilot jets.
They always end up pushing the wrong button.
In this case, the guy in the cockpit has been silly enough to hit the afterburner. The engines howl as they are force-fed a shitton of Energon from seemingly nowhere, and Lightwing yelps as she shoots up into the air. Her passing clips the Warp Star, knocking the Kirby off of it, and the puffball squeals as he falls to the floor with a bump, dropping the Star Rod as he goes. By chance, the other Kirby falls out of the broken windshield, and tumbles down to land right on top of his twin. There is a squishy sound, and now it is only one Kirby rubbing his head and looking confused.
"Poyo?"
The arena shakes as Lightwing lands. The Autobot towers over the Star Warrior ominously, looking down upon him in the same way a cat looks at a mouse. Suddenly terrified, the puffball scrabbles away on hands and feet, trying to reach the Star Rod before-
THUMP.
Kirby screams as the foot comes down right on top of his precious weapon, and he turns to-
THUMP.
Another foot. Kirby is now thoroughly panicking, and tries to run for the safety of-
THUMP. THUMP. THUMP.
Cornered.
Trembling, Kirby looks up at Lightwing as she blocks out the light from the sky above. All he can hear is the screaming of the crowd, some in support for him, others in defiance of him, and the occasional thud of someone getting their teeth knocked out. Croak cans and chip cartons are thrown into the arena like plastic hail, but neither of the contestants notice them, if any do hit them. The Hazbrute Executives forget their boardroom manners and scream at their newly-chosen mascot, begging her to just kill the shitting thing.
Kirby closes his eyes.
Kirby suddenly feels as though a robot hand is scooping him up.
He opens his eyes.
Lightwing is smiling at him.
"A non-violent Fite we agreed on," she hums reassuringly, "and a non-violent Fite we shall have."
She raises her other hand and holds out a finger.
"Good Fite."
There is an ominous pause. The crowd as fallen silent. The Hazbrute executives are pale with nerves and tension. Gezora's stomachs growl.
...
...
...
"LIGHTWING POYOOOOOO!"
Rather than shake the finger, Kirby happily glomps Lightwing's face, and the Autobot giggles in response.
The judges hastily check with each other. This sort of thing hasn't been heard of before, and they're trying to work out what's the best thing to do here. The crowd grows impatient and begins muttering, which turns into a chant of "Get to that point!" More Croak cans are thrown, clattering into the judge's stand.
A consensus is reached.
LIGHTWING WINS BY FRIENDSHIP.
The crowd goes absolutely ballistic as Lightwing sets Kirby down, picks up the sword and gallantly leaves the arena. Some cheer for the non-violent conclusion of a battle between good friends, others jeer the decision and call for bloodshed. The executives put forth their points, arguing about how much they're going to make off of their new line of Lightwing action figures (now with Slicing Sword Action). As usual, this leads to a riot.
Gezora walks down into the arena and picks up the microphone to give his usual witty closing spee-
HWROAAAAAAAAAH
...Where did Gezora go?
PLING!
Oh, there he is. ...Wait a minute, why is there two of him?
"Gezora thought Impersonate Yer' Mates was over! Gezora does not understand!"
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