Fite 40- Rocking the Rock Salt (Gamera vs. WALL!!)

On the night of the fourth arena fite, we go to the Wieliczka Salt Mine in the wonderful country of Poland! Tonight's on-site correspondent is rather queer fellow. We tried to enlist some of the miners, but they are busy with work and few speak English! So, in absence of a local, we just brought some of the local salt to life! We created a Salt Golem! We'll spare the details on how, but let's go to this freshly born monstrosity for tonight's introduction.

"HELLO. I AM SALT GOLEM. TONIGHT, A GIANT MONSTER FITES A PIECE OF WALL. GIANT MONSTER IS NAMED GAMERA, GAMERA BROUGHT HUGE SUITCASE FULL OF SUITCASES TO THE FITE. PIECE OF WALL IS JUST NAMED WALL!! IT BROUGHT A PORTAL GUN TO THE FITE.

THE FITE WILL TAKE PLACE HERE. WIELICZKA SALT MINE IS UNIQUE. MINERS CARVED SALT INTO AMAZING ART AND STRUCTURES, INCLUDING A GIANT CHAPEL. FITERS WILL START IN THE CHAPEL AND INEVITABLY MOVE INTO THE MAIN MINES AS THE FITE GOES ON."

One thing you have to like about Salt Golems: they get straight to the point! Gamera and WALL!!, you two goofballs, it's time to Fite Yer' Mate!

To fit in the chapel, Gamera had to crouch, but he was rather enjoying looking at all the murals carved out of the rock salt while he waited for the fite to begin. As Gamera observed a carving of the Last Supper, he noticed something odd...

 

 "'Sup dude!" WALL!! says as he appears in place of Jesus's head. The signal for the battle to begin is given and the salty hand of Jesus raises up the WALL!!'s weapon. Apparently, WALL!! had figured out a way to get around his whole "no hands" issue! Gamera leaps back to try and dodge the portal gun, but the massive kaiju hits into a chandelier made of rock salt. As thousands of devoted man hours crashes to the ground in a hail of tasty minerals, the portal gun begins to open fire.

Thanks to the falling chandelier though, the portals fail to hit Gamera, instead hitting tiny bits of salt from the shattering light fixture. Tiny portals open up, but none of them large enough for the infinite kittens from the other side of the portal to spill through. However, tiny cat tongues do appear out of them, licking the salt around them hungrily. The Wall laughs at the tongues, but Gamera has opened up his briefcase. Hurling the sets of tinier briefcases at the WALL!!'s face, Gamera manages to destroy the priceless salt rendition of Da Vinci's work. Parts of the living wall's face fall off. Apparently, salt is not the best material to manifest on, so the WALL!! begins to disappear.

Gamera sits down on a pew and waits for the WALL!! to manifest on a new wall. Gamera picks up some of the salt and tastes it, and he finds the taste pleasant! Gamera stands up and smashes down one of the chapels walls as he exits, seeking something yummy to put the salt on.

"THIS IS HORRIBLE. BEING A SALT GOLEM, SEEING SO MUCH SALT DESTROYED IS LIKE SEEING MY FAMILY MURDERED. CAN SOMEONE STOP THEM BEFORE THEY BREAK DOWN THE WHOLE CHAPEL?"

Gamera, who was off looking for sandwich ingredients, suddenly gets a great idea! The WALL!! can't manifest if there are no walls! Gamera begins pounding the chapel to bits, ignoring the desperate cries of our on-site reporter. WALL!!, meanwhile, is resting on the side of an actual wall of the mine nearby. Bereft of the carved digits of a prominent religious figure, WALL!! is forced to try and handle the portal gun with only the salty makeup of the mine's walls. The gun rests in a small indentation, and WALL!! is flapping his jaw open and shut trying to nudge the trigger properly.

Gamera finishes bashing the chapel to salty bits, but he isn't entirely rude about it. He decides to pile it all into one giant pile so that cleanup would not be so bad later. Before he leaves though, he pulls out a kaiju-sized salt shaker and fills it up with seem to be the remains of a salty sculpture of a saint.

"IT SEEMS GAMERA CAME TO THE BATTLE HUNGRY. HUNGRY FOR MY BRETHREN! I HOPE THEY BOTH DIE HERE, THEY ARE RUINING THE MINE!"

Gamera turns around and sees the WALL!! fiddling with his gun. Gamera charges forward, but again is forced to leap backwards. The portal gun is finally triggered, and Gamera moved out of the way just in time to avoid a portal appearing on his chin. Gamera falls back into the pile of salt that was once a marvel of craftmanship and looks up at the ceiling. From a portal in the ceiling, a rain of cats pours down into the mine!

Gamera struggles to get out of the salt, but suddenly the pile has a few curious cats on it as well!

Not one for senselessly killing cats, Gamera tries to safely wiggle himself free of the pile without harming the kittens, but the cats just keep coming! Cats begin licking the salt and Gamera hungrily. Gamera begins to chuckle from their ticklish tongues as the WALL!! begins to laugh at Gamera laughing from the licking! The Salt Golem though is taking it very differently...

"THIS IS SICKENING! I WAS BROUGHT TO LIFE JUST TO WATCH MY BRETHREN CONSUMED! I CAN'T TAKE THIS! I'M ENDING THIS!"

Gezora grabs the golem and looks it directly in the eyes.

"Interfere with the match and Gezora will have a new salt lick chained up for the bar's clientele."

The Salt Golem is set down next to Gezora and watches as the kitties continue consuming the salt around Gamera. Soon, the vast amount of kitties are able to eat all the salt, leaving Gamera free from the pile but still covered in kitties. The WALL!! is trying to aim the gun at Gamera's body now though, hoping a painful kitty-spilling hole in the chest could take down the kaiju. Gamera sees this though and decides not to give his opponent time to attack. Gamera begins to shoot fireballs from his mouth, shattering huge chunks of the salt wall around the WALL!! The WALL!! is forced to flee, but the plasma fireballs destroy the portal gun, leaving the face in the wall unarmed.

Gamera scoops up some kittens and fires more plasma fireballs at the ceiling. The crumbling ceiling is unable to maintain the portal, so now the infinite kitty stream stops. The giant turtle scoops up the remaining cats that did make it through the portal and leaps further into the salt mine as a huge salt cave-in takes place.

Gezora grumbles as it pulls itself out of the cave-in, clearly miffed to once again be harmed during an arena fite. The Salt Golem also climbs out. The correspondent and referee crawl through the salt and reach the main vein of the mine, where they see a group of kittens tied to one of the mine's supporting columns. They leave the kittens alone and move on. Gezora has to crouch to continue, but then the mine gets much wider. The mine's shaft was now the size of Gamera when he is in his shell. Apparently, Gamera must have pulled into his shell and flown through the mine in pursuit of the WALL!!

Large chunks of the mine's walls were missing as they continued on. They could see a bit of blood from the giant turtle on the ground, and a chunk of bloody rock salt next to it. Apparently the WALL!! had found a way to drop a few rocks on the kaiju's head. The two could feel the ground shaking beneath them, and from deeper in the mine they heard some taunts.

"I guess there was some truth to the Tortoise and the Hare! Except this is the Tortoise and the Wall, and I'm kicking your ass!"

"You can't even kick! I wonder how Mrs. WALL!! feels knowing her husband doesn't have a-"

"Woah dude! Way to hit below the belt, the belt I can't even wear! And there is no Mrs. WALL!! Too many ladies to love to tie this wall down!"

Gezora and the Salt Golem follow the back and forth and begin wading through rushing water. Soon, they reach a massive chamber, where Gamera is waist deep in water as the WALL!! spins around on the mine's walls. Apparently, their battle had broken down a critical wall and caused water to spill into the mine, flooding it.

"OH NO! THE MINE IS FLOODING! THIS WILL NOT GO WELL WITH THE OWNERS!"

Gezora, tired of the Salt Golem, pushes him in the water and grabs a nearby pick.

"Gezora is not sticking around for the inevitable. Gezora has been hit by salt tonight, Gezora does not need the water to hurt it too!"

Gezora goes off to mine salt as the Salt Golem flops about in the water. Gamera scoops the golem up and tries to chuck it at the WALL!!, but the face just zooms around the wall more and more. Fireballs, projectiles, even the few remaining briefcases Gamera had were not harming the WALL!! at all! Gamera takes a moment to consider what to do as the WALL!! does the same. The WALL!! was restricted to the walls and lacked limbs, so how was he going to hurt the massive turtle? He got lucky with the ceiling's loose rocks earlier, but this chamber's ceiling was solid as, well, rock!

Both competitors seem to have their epiphanies at the same time. Both now know how to win the match. The WALL!! acts first, his face digging indents into the wall until he strikes more water. The WALL!! repeats this, teleporting around the chamber and opening more and more holes to the allow the water to spill in. Soon, the entire chamber is submerged in water! The WALL!! laughs a bubbly laugh, but what the WALL!! doesn't know is this helped Gamera's plan in a way!

Gamera reaches out and grabs a chunk of the wall, the chunk the WALL!! happened to be resting on. The WALL!! tries to teleport away, but finds he is unable to. The chunk of wall he is on is starting to dissolve, the water around him doing what it naturally does to sodium chloride. His face was composed of too many dissolving salt molecules for him to properly move his face elsewhere. Gamera was going to try and induce this effect with just splashing the water onto the walls of the mine, but now he didn't need to. Gamera pulled the dissolving chunk of salt to his mouth.

"No, man, no! Don't do it! I don't taste good! I never bathe! I appear on all kinds of nasty walls! I appear on the walls of gas station restrooms! NO! NOOO! NOOOOO!!" The WALL!! chokes out a cry as Gamera takes a huge bite out of the WALL!!

Despite being much to salty, Gamera consumes the entirety of the WALL!!'s face in bite-sized bits. As soon as he is done though, he begins to swim off, hoping to find the way out of the mine.

The Salt Golem, beginning to dissolve in the flooded mine, finds the way back on his own. He struggles to give the last report on the fite.

"I GUESSSSSSSSSSS THAT IS ITTTTTTTTTT. GAMERA HAS WONNNNNNNN THROUGH CONSUMPTION. CONGRATULATIONSSSSSS GAMERAAAAAAA."

The Salt Golem pulls itself along and finds Gezora mining salt with a pick.

"If Gezora has to keep getting hurt in these fites, Gezora might as well get something out of it."

After mining his share of free salt, Gezora takes the box of salt and the injured Salt Golem and leaves the mine.

Fite 39- Jungle Warriors (Jonesy vs. Alex the Janitor)

The Amazon Rainforest. The largest rainforest on the planet. Home of a wide variety of flora and fauna yet to be discovered by man. Some even say its unique flora may contain the cures to nature's most stubborn illnesses.

Tonight, this rainforest is getting wrecked!

Amanda Jones, the space marine known colloquially as Jonesy, shall be fiting the young janitor Alexander Triden. Since this is a special arena fite, we sought an on-site correspondent as per the norm, but I have the feeling this one will be even less useful than the others. Plucked from a native tribe is some Amazonian shaman whose name escapes us. We've just been calling him Dale. We taught Dale the Shaman some English but... well, let's go to him and show you what we mean. Dale the Shaman, tell us about tonight's fite!

"Tonight. Yellow hair warrior cleaner fite red armor space lady. Big fite. Bad for forest. Space lady have fire throwers. Fire bad for forest. Yellow hair warrior have magic blade. Dale fear for spirit of forest."

That was Dale the Shaman's way of saying Alex is bringing Excalibur and Jonesy is bringing her flamethrowers. Also worthy of note are Alex's wind and earth magic skills and Jonesy's new telekinetic and psionic abilities. Amidst the trees and wildlife these two shall fite, so let's get it on! Jonesy and Alex, it's time to Fite Yer' Mate!

The two competitors stand before Gezora and Dale the Shaman. The coos of exotic birds and the hollers of monkeys of the howler variety pepper the air. Alex grips Excalibur tightly as Jonesy turns on her weapons' pilot lights. All they need is the signal to start...

And there it is!

Flames shoot forward from Jonesy's suit, but Alex is able to dive out of their path. The fire quickly ignites nearby brush, but Alex whips up some wind magic that both slams into Jonesy and puts out the flames. Jonesy's massive metal suit prevents the wind from doing anything greater than making her take a few steps back, so the space marine again sprays her fire-throwing weapons to try and get a wildfire started early. Alex quickly teleports out of the range of the attack, but his unreliable new teleportation skill causes him to appear right next to a tree. What's so bad about teleporting next to a tree, though?

"Yellow hair warrior seem to have moved fast next to tree... but tree branch was in way."

When the knight reformed by the tree, a branch was at mouth level with the knight's head. The branch lodges into the left cheek of the young janitor. Alex screams in horror and quickly teleports away in hopes of not being harmed to greatly by the teleportation mishap, but when he reforms near Jonesy, there is now a gaping hole in his cheek.

"Warrior should be more careful. Warrior should not move so fast."

Alex is unable to hear Dale the Shaman's wise words though, because fire quickly begins to envelope the boy distracted by a bloody hole in his cheek. Much of Alex's armor is able to take the fire easily, but Alex's skin and hair are soon ignited by the dual flamethrowers. Jonesy walks closer and closer to Alex, trying to get more of the janitor into the flames' reach. Alex begins to back up, trying to conjure up some sort of spell to block the flames, but the fire burning him alive is a bit distracting.

Alex stumbles backwards more and more as the flame's begin to move through the various degrees of burning. Luckily for his skin, the battle takes place close to the Amazon River! The knight realizes this and quickly throws all his focus into casting an earth magic spell. A large spire slams into Jonesy, giving Alex the time he needed to leap into the river to douse the flames. The earthen spire manages to completely destroy one of the suit's flamethrowers, causing a horrible backlash in Jonesy's left arm. Jonesy quickly struggles to remove the left arm's plating as flesh is burnt by the broken weapon.

"Fiters hurting selves more than opponent."

Jonesy runs to the river bank to douse her own hand and then glares at the water in anticipation of the knight's resurfacing. Alex is patiently waiting beneath the water, watching Jonesy stand above him on the shore. Caiman swim harmlessly about in the water, apparently not hungry for the knight. Piranhas also swim by harmlessly, because honestly piranhas aren't very vicious unless starved. Heck, even that overblown catfish the Candiru swims by without incident!

"Nature respect boy who wish nature no harm. Nature on yellow hair warrior side."

Dale's words prove true as a jaguar stalks towards Jonesy. Jonesy is too busy waiting for the knight to resurface to register the spotted big cat's approach, but when she gets tackled... she simply grabs it and snaps its neck. The armor offered way too much protection for nature's creatures to harm her. But there is something that can penetrate that armor: Excalibur.

Alex leaps out of the water and rams his sword directly into Jonesy's stomach!

Jonesy's organs are destroyed by the blade's path, and the space marine falls to the ground dead. Alex stands back and looks at Jonesy in shock. Most fites were longer than this, but it is possible just to strike the right place and win the match! Alex begins celebrating his victory, but something feels off. The air around him feels thin, and a strange voice seems to come to him.

It's the voice of Dale the Shaman.

"Beware mirage of the mind..."

Alex begins to lose his breath and falls over onto Jonesy's corpse, struggling for breath. His lungs seem to fill with fluid as he continues desperately gasping.

On the shore of the river stood Jonesy, concentrating so she could project a false victory into Alex's mind. In the water, Alex struggled to breath as he saw a world that is not real...

The hole in Alex's cheek did not help with the whole "holding your breath underwater" thing, and as water he could no longer sense flowed into his lungs, Alex could do nothing to free himself from Jonesy's illusion of the mind. It looked like this would be it. Losing by drowning...

Suddenly though, the image snaps away. Alex can once more see he is in the Amazon River, but he is too weak to swim. He was almost out of air, and his muscles were not responding. Before he closed his eyes though, he could have sworn he saw a pink dolphin who looked eerily familiar...

Alex is pushed onto shore by a pink blur. Struggling for breath, the knight pulls himself up and looks around. Dale the Shaman and Gezora are there, the forest is there, some brush was burning... But where was Jonesy?

Obscured by the trees, Jonesy has removed her helmet and is regurgitating blood. The image was too long and difficult to sustain, and she no longer could maintain it without wracking her brain to the breaking point. Hiding her weakness behind the trees, Jonesy quickly wipes her face clean of any remaining blood and takes a breather. She had a feeling Alex would not die in the water after the illusion was broken, so she prepared herself for his return...

But she did not expect it to come as quickly as it did. Jonesy reaches down to pick up her helmet, but a chunk of earth shoots up, slamming her on the chin and sending the helmet flying into the depths of the forest. Jonesy spins around, her nose now broken from the force of the blow. Jonesy cannot see Alex, so she begins torching all of the forest around her with her remaining flamethrower. Alex is forced to jump out from his cover as the rainforest is now enveloped in a humongous wildfire.

"Wish could say it surprise, but it not. Fire consume forest spirit. Woman kill forest..."

As Dale the Shaman begins to convulse in fits of prayer to try and heal the forest spirit, Alex hefts up his sword and slashes forward at Jonesy, shearing off a huge chunk of Jonesy's armor. Jonesy responds with a nasty punch to the knight's face, the metallic right hook accentuated by the flamethrower it held. The right side of Alex's face is horribly maimed by both the harsh punch and the harsh flames, leaving Alex's face looking like a Halloween zombie mask. Alex tries to cast a healing spell, but Jonesy grabs his arm with her big metal hand.

A sickening snap is heard as the wrist is broken, but Alex's other hand quickly brings Excalibur over and slices off Jonesy's hand and the nozzle of the flamethrower! The fire, no longer concentrated by the cone-shaped ending of the weapon, sprays randomly about until Jonesy uses her badly burnt hand to stop it. Jonesy's hands are seriously maimed, but she still has large metallic legs!

Jonesy begins to do some rather lithe kicks in her Firebat armor, the hefty armor giving her kicks bone-shattering strength. Alex takes a few to his sides, but Excalibur once more swings forwards. Jonesy backs up and is just barely able to dodge the blow, but in doing so she backs into a burning tree. Her ponytail ignites, and she begins frantically batting at it with her damaged hands.

Alex uses the distraction to plunge his sword square into Jonesy's chest. Jonesy sputters and coughs up a bit more blood as Alex removes the blade from her chest. The female space marine struggles to move, but her body begins to fail. It appears the move she had simulated in the illusion earlier had just became reality. Jonesy falls to the ground, struggling to try and get a last move in on Alex.

Alex looks down at Jonesy and begins to wonder if he should help her, but suddenly the flames grow stronger, and the knight is once more ignited. Fleeing the foliage to seek the safety of the Amazon River once more, Alex leaves the struggling Jonesy to the burning forest.

Jonesy tries her best to scream after him. She's not dead yet! She can still fite!

Dale the Shaman's prayers are getting louder and more frantic. The forest seems to sway... The tree Jonesy had bumped into began to fall down. Whether it was the prayers of the shaman, the spirit of the forest, or just the fire finally weakening it enough that caused it, the tree fell down onto the injured space marine.

Jonesy screams in pain and tries to free herself, but she no longer has the energy to do so. As the fire begins to consume her, Jonesy slips into unconsciousness...

"The forest spirit claims revenge. The forest is at peace."

Despite what Dale the Shaman says, the wildfire still runs wild through the forest. Nothing can stop it!

 "Gezora is getting tired of these arenas hurting it as well!"

Fite 38- Frozen Bubbles, Frozen Rain (Rain vs. Oceanus)

Welcome to the icy floes of the Arctic Ocean! Tonight's fite shall take place on the frozen chunks of ice that drift about in these chilly waters! Of course, we again have an on-site reporter here to relate to us the events of the match, even though we can see them completely fine! Our host is actually a bit of a celebrity! We now go to Edward Arthur Alexander Shackleton!

"Simply Edward will do, thank you, and I'm not entirely comfortable with the situation here. My father died on his trip to the Antarctic, and now I fear the colds of the north may be trying to claim this Shackleton! The temperatures are ludicrously low here, and even in many layers of clothing I still find my teeth chattering. This giant squid with a referee's hat is also eying me hungrily from beneath its sunglasses, and I've been told the event I am supposed to host may injure people in the proximity of it.

The fiters in this competitive fiting event are as follows: One is called Rain and is apparently an expert ninja capable of manipulating both water and lightning. He has brought a naginata, which is essentially just a fancily named polearm. His opponent for the night will be some sort of automaton called Oceanus, who shall be piloting, I can't believe I'm saying this, a mechanical shark! I don't know if this is some sort of ridiculous reimagining of John Henry's tall tale, but if it gets me the money I need, then I shan't question it further."

Wasn't that nice? A bit condescending, but a lot more informative than our last fite's correspondent! Rain and Bubble Man have arrived at the arena, so you know what that means?

Rain and Oceanus, time to Fite Yer' Mate!

Oceanus's robot shark whirrs as it begins to circle the chunk of ice Rain stood calmly on. Oceanus sits atop the metal Selachimorpha as it circles the ice, the green robot waiting for the ninja to make the first move.

"This is quite dull. It feels more like we are watching a staring contest than a fite between man and machine. Wait, the ninja seems to be moving! And... he's gone?"

As Edward spoke, Rain's body seems to disappear, the naginata dropping to the ice with a loud clank. Oceanus immediately suspects ninja trickery and sends the robotic shark into a deep dive. The large metal shark sees a tinier Greenland Shark and bites into it in a moment of boisterous showing off, causing a cloud of blood to form in the water around Oceanus and the shark. Oceanus, who was going to scold the shark at first, noticed that the blood of the organic shark served as a protective veil from any intruding trickery.

And he was right in not scolding the shark. The purple ninja had dissolved into water particles and was trying to get the drop on the robotic fish. But when the blood mixed with the water, Rain's ruse was revealed. The lone patch of regular water in a cluster of crimson liquid quickly clued the robot in. Oceanus jumps the shark and goes towards the water molecules and fires a stream of mercury from his pinky. Rain's watery molecules are scattered by the metallic liquid guaranteed to ruin any fishing in the area for years to come.

"So the robot can fire mercury from its finger? Was the ninja allowed any such accoutrements to accommodate for this? Is this fite supposed to be fair?"

Shackleton continues questioning the robot's use of mercury as Rain's molecules begin to float back up to the water's surface. Quickly reforming into his human shape, the purple ninja clambers back onto the ice and reclaims his naginata, anticipating the approach of Oceanus and the shark.

The robot shark, emboldened by its kill of the organic shark, swims hurriedly to the surface, ignoring its master. Oceanus paddles as fast as he can in attempt to try and catch up and mount the shark once more. Rain stands on the edge of the ice, waiting for both machines to reach the surface...

As Oceanus and the metal shark are just about to breach the ocean's surface, Rain readies his naginata... and sends down a purple thunderbolt from the sky!

 "Wow, I guess the field is a bit more fair then I first assumed. Automatons should not hold up in the water in the first place, but I'm sure this jolt of ethereal electricity will definitely tax both machine's systems greatly."

The robotic shark, definitely the more poorly made of the two, begins to sink to the bottom of the ocean as its systems begin to fail. Oceanus also is harshly shocked, but unlike his shark companion, he is able to tough out the lightning strike's effects. Oceanus does, however, let Rain think he was also unable to move, and begins to sink into the darkness of the icy depths.

Rain backs up and readies himself in case of any foul business, and he was right in doing so.

Oceanus leaps up through the center of the ice chunk, shattering it into pieces. Rain nimbly jumps onto a nearby iceberg and begins hurling thunderbolts at Oceanus, who is now also jumping on chunks of ice. The two bounce around on the frozen platforms, the ninja hurling lightning while Oceanus's middle finger emitted a flamethrower.

"It seems our two competitors are locked in a game of chase! In fact... I am losing sight of them... Come on giant cuttlefish official! We must pursue them!"

Gezora picks up Shackleton and pursues the competitors as they leap onto they various ice floes of the arctic.

Rain's lightning bolts fail to make contact with the former robot master, but they do shatter entire icebergs with their power. Oceanus's flamethrower finger also fails to do anything of note, and his other fingers contained no truly long range weapons. Rain was trying to wear down Oceanus's endurance, but the ninja was getting exhausted from bouncing around so much. That's when Rain remembers something: Oceanus is a robot, he will be able to endure a lot more exertion then any organic being.

It is when Rain realizes this that he stops fleeing and lands on a sheet of ice. Oceanus quickly follows after him, landing on the ice and readying all five fingers for battle. Rain brandishes his naginata in a manner that would look pretty kickass in 3D. Oceanus charges forward, all five of his fingers firing at the ninja. Rain dodges the many different substances of Oceanus's five fingers of doom and slices into the robot's side with the naginata. The suddenness of the strike causes the five fingers to spray wildly all around. The flamethrower and steam do nothing in the frenzy, but Oceanus accidentally coats himself in Mercury, Hydrofluoric acid, and Liquid Nitrogen. Oceanus begins screaming as different parts of his chassis are destroyed in different ways.

Rain feels bad for Oceanus and uses a quick blast of water to slam the green machine back into the ocean. Most of the dangerous chemicals are washed off, but there is now a gaping hole in the part of the chassis Rain had blasted. Apparently the mix of dangerous liquids had severely diminished the robot's armor!

"Okay, we found them. It seems the green robot has shot itself in the foot by spraying chemicals all over itself, and the purple ninja remains relatively untouched. I really underestimated this ninja!"

Oh Mr. Shackleton, you spoke to soon! As soon as Rain's unharmed state is brought up, Oceanus comes back out of the water behind Rain. Out of the robot master's right arm comes a built-in trident, which quickly jams itself into the ninja's rear. Oceanus was aiming for the back, but you know, height differences and all...

Rain tries to spin around to cut the robot, but the trident is stuck to Oceanus's arm, so the spin causes Oceanus to spin around with him. Oceanus is literally stuck to Rain's ass!

"This is just juvenile. If I knew this is how things would go, I would have never accepted this work..."

Oceanus begins to slam his free arm repeatedly into Rain's back, so the demigod pulls his naginata over his head and begins to stab wildly behind him. At first, the naginata just pokes minor holes in the machine's armor. Oceanus is able to ignore these blows as he lays strong metallic punches into the slowly cracking spine of his opponent, but then a wild slash of the ninja's weapon easily tears through Oceanus's right arm. The robot stumbles back after the arm removal, and Rain attempts to pry the trident out of his arse.

Oceanus tries to stand up, but Rain quickly leaps up onto the fallen robot, now ignoring the trident in his rump. Oceanus's chassis is so weak it cracks under the weight of the ninja as he aims the naginata directly at the robot master's face. Rain pulls back his weapon.

"Oh my, that unfortunate robot. Then again, it is just a robot, so whatever its primary function is can easily be fulfilled by other machines in its production line."

Shackleton apparently doesn't understand robot sentience, so as Rain pulls the naginata up with both of his arms, our correspondent fails to realize the gravity of this robot's death. With a great surge of strength, Rain slams down the polearm...

BUT THEN A SHARK APPEARS!!!

 The brief surge of electricity from earlier disabled the shark momentarily, but after it began functioning properly again, it stalked the two competitors to the ice and waited for the perfect moment to strike. That moment was now. The shark leaped up and slammed its weight against the sheet of ice. The ice tipped and parts of it shattered, causing Rain to lose his balance. The naginata is, however, lodged successfully into the middle of Oceanus's face, but the robot is barely able to survive the blow.

Rain, however, tumbles around on the remaining ice and straight into the jaws of the robotic shark.

The shark pulls its body off of the ice and continues to devour its prey, proud of having proved its might again.

"Well, although the shark seemed to be carrying most of the weight in the battle, that injured robot Oceanus appears to be our victor! Machine has triumphed over man, even if the machine that actually won was based on a fish, and the man was able to dissolve into water. Anyway, I was only contracted to be here until the finale of this fite, so I must go now. Shall we leave, Gezora?

...Gezora?"

"Oh my, it appears the referee has frozen in an implausibly rectangular prism of ice. How am I supposed to get back now?"

Fite 37- A Marine, a Machine, and Magma (Erebus vs. James the Blastoise)

Greetings from the fiery depths of tonight's special arena! Tonight in the arena we have special host straight from Hawaii, Keahi Makaiau! Keahi is a native Hawaiian of a new generation, and he shall be covering the action in the arena tonight! Keahi, why don't you tell us about the special arena for the evening?

"Thanks dude. Here in this place we've got like, this big metal cage thing dangling above some lava! The lava was taken from some volcano on my island, but like, the elders were all pissed because they think it's our God's blood or something. I don't believe in that stuff, but they did that whole 'virgin sacrifice' thing in it a lot, and too many hot babes had to die for that fake god dude. So yeah, we got that metal cage and lava that's god blood and then there are some fire shooting things that will shoot out flames like FWWOOOOSH!

So dudes, that's the place for this fite. Now, the guys who are fiting in it. One is like some big muscly dude with lots of armor named Erebus, and the other dude is some super robot thing shaped like a turtle named James! These guys are like super best buddies, so this battle must be pretty important! All I know is that it's going to be gnarly!"

After Keahi finishes his slang-riddled introduction, Erebus and James the Blastoise are transported into the dangling cage. Erebus and James the Robot Blastoise, prepare to Fite Yer' Mate!

Erebus's electric claws pop out and immediately lash forward at James, but the robot Pokemon's sensors are able to pick this up no problem. James easily dodges and quickly fires a few shots from his plasma cannon hands, one of the beams shearing off one of Erebus's electrical talons. Erebus hops backwards to take the defensive, but his large weighty armor causes the arena to sway under the weight of such a hop. James's plasma shots begin to miss their target as the arena wobbles, instead melting holes through the cage's metal bars.

Fire jets begin to shoot out flames like FWWOOOOSH, but James toughs them out. His strong metallic shell resisted the flames, and even in organic life he was resistant to the effects of fire. Erebus's armor is also similarly immune, so it appears money was wasted on installing those things. The chaos space marine does, however, use the veil of flames to sneak up on James from behind. With a move quicker than a cheetah with a rocket for an arse, Erebus slices both of the mechanical Blastoise's back cannons off in a fluid movement. James registers the severing and quickly pushes himself backwards, putting his entire weight onto the marine.

"Damn! Did you see that? That one guy's claws totally tore those cannons off! It was like... WOAH!!!"

Thanks Keahi, for that helpful commentary...

Erebus struggles to push the robotic turtle off of him, and James takes the moment to test to see if his hand cannons can fire the same beams as the lost back cannons. He confirms that his hand cannons can indeed shoot Ice Beams, and quickly stands back up and turns around. White, freezing rays shoot out from the holes in the turtle's hands and at Erebus, but the chaos marine is quick to roll out of the beams' trajectories. The metal grating that made up the cage's floor takes the brunt of the beam, freezing to the point of being brittle. James quickly distances itself from the trap waiting to happen as it aims its cannons at the fleeing space marine.

"Hey, dudes. Something is up with the lava. It is moving about and bubbling really weird!" Keahi says, as the lava below does indeed move about and bubble really weirdly. Large plumes of lava shoot up into the air as Erebus dashes around the arena, trying to close the distance between him and James without being hit by a frosty beam. James's arm cannon begins to ready an intensely powerful beam: Hyper Beam. Erebus swiftly realizes he is about to be hit with a powerful attack, so he closes in and grabs the turtle's hand, trying to pull it up and aim it at the Blastoise's head. James struggles against the marine's strength, but a quick kick from a robotic leg causes Erebus to trip.

James points his cannon right at Erebus, but suddenly the cage shakes once more. Lava shoots up and slams into the dangling arena, causing the Hyper Beam to blast off an entire side of the cage. James, his power temporarily exhausted from using the intense beam, needs to rest a bit, and Erebus stands up and readies his claws. This is a wide opening for him to get in some hits. But something really seems to be up with the lava!

"Dude, I know I said I didn't believe in that god mumbo jumbo, but I think this lava really is some crazy god's blood! Look man, coming out of the lava are like, some sort of lava beasts!"

Indeed, as Keahi described it, some sort of lava beasts are like, coming out of the lava!

 The monsters made of magma begin to attack the cage, trying to seek a sacrifice out of the two competitors. James had a few fresh clawmarks from Erebus's assault on him while he was low on power, but the turtle was ready to fite back. Dodging the mouth of one of the lava beasts, James readies another one of his Pokemon attacks: Surf.

A huge tidal wave somehow appears beneath James's feet and begins going towards Erebus. The chaos marine, rather than try to dodge it, dives right through the wave. The wave of water seems to do nothing to the marine's tough armor, but the water does carry James towards the edge of the arena! James grabs onto one of the iron bars before before the water could carry him out of the cage and into the lava below.

Erebus rushes forward to try and meet his opponent, but a group of lava beasts shoot out from below and tear holes in the grating that made up the floor. Erebus's claws spark with energy. If he had to get through some lava monsters to reach James, then so be it.

James, on the other hand, was dangling above the bubbling lava from an iron bar. His weight was causing the entire cage to tip in that direction, and now he, too, was being approached by beasts made of molten magma. Relying on only one hand to maintain his grip on the arena, James begins to fire ice beams at the lava creatures in a vain attempt to prevent them from devouring him.

"Dude, this is not really Fite Yer' Mates anymore. It's like, Try To Fite When Lava Things Attack You."

I have the feeling we didn't pick the best on-site consultant for this match...

"Dude, look at the big guy go!" Keahi helpfully comments.

Erebus, a.k.a. the big guy, is tearing into the lava beasts with his claws. Whether or not it was actually harming the beasts is one thing, but the claws would separate the lava beasts' heads from their bodies, causing their bodies to spill back into the magma below. Is it magma or lava? We aren't quite sure at this point. Either way, the lava creatures let up on Erebus, but James is still struggling to hang on and keep off the beasts at the same time. Beam after beam uselessly hits the heads of the odd magma monsters as they reach in to crush the turtle in their fiery jaws.

Erebus sees his opponent dangling from the cage and dashes towards him. Just before the beasts could bite down on the mechanical tortoise, Erebus grabs him and flings him back into the arena. The beasts snap uselessly at metal bars before the lightning claws of the chaos marine decapitate and tame them.

Erebus turns back to James, ready to go back to fiting him instead of fiting flame creatures.

"Dude, I think things are getting back on track! Those lava things are dying down, but the lava is still bubbling and shooting out jets of lava like it's angry!"

James hears Keahi's commentary and begins cooking up a plan. The cage's floor was already full of holes, it could probably use a few more! James begins to Dig holes into the metal grating, turning the ground into thin walkways difficult for both fiters to navigate. No fast dashing for Erebus anymore!

Erebus does, however, close the distance between him and James, just not as fast as he could have earlier. The electric claws slam directly into the turtle's shell, electrocuting the machine. James, previously a water type and now a robot, did not quite agree with foreign electrical input. Systems begin to fry and go down, and suddenly his hands shoot out a hyper beam without warning. The suddenness of the beam destroys James's right hand, but it also blasts Erebus square in the chest, blasting open the armor and exposing bare flesh. The concussive blast sends Erebus flying away, the talons breaking off in James's shell.

Erebus tumbles through the air and lands precariously on one of the remaining walkways, barely able to grab onto it. His legs dangle above the lava below, and a plume of red hot molten material nips at his ankles. And when we say "nips at", we mean "nips off", since it is lava and all. Erebus screams as he pulls himself back onto the thin metal floor of the cage. He tries to stand, but his feet are singed and weak. Across the arena, the damaged James is still malfunctioning.

James tries to move towards Erebus, but its systems end up causing it to run straight forward and right into one of the arena's holes. James begins tumbling down towards the lava below, which seems to bubble in glee as its hunger is almost met.

"Woah woah woah!" Oh great, Keahi has something to say... "Both guys are practically doomed! That turtle robot is all broken and the big guy is all hurt! Now the turtle is going towards the lava! Looks like the big guy wi-

Wait! What's with that water?"

That's right, folks, James is riding the water again! Luckily for him, whatever allows the robotic Blastoise to surf on a spontaneously created wave of water still worked! James rides the water up and back into the arena, pulling itself back onto the metal walkway near Erebus.

Erebus propels himself towards James and digs his remaining claw into the neck of James. James, being a robot, doesn't instantly die from this, but Erebus begins to pull upwards with the claw, trying to pry his head off like James had done to Optimus in their fite. James struggles to resist, but the electricity continues to cause him to malfunction. Wires snap and circuitry sizzles as the head gets looser and looser...

James's remaining hand struggles to fire. Ice Beam, Hyper Beam, a plasma shot, anything will do!

But nope, his malfunctioning system instead chooses Dig.

The robot's hands breaks open the floor beneath Erebus and James, causing both fiters to free-fall into the lava!

"We are here again! Both guys at risk of falling into the hot gooey stuff! Like that name for the lava? Hot gooey stuff?

Anyway, things sure are getting heated here! That's another good one. These hotblooded fiters are falling to their deaths! Wait, the turtle doesn't have blood. Um... Let me think, I've got more."

Before Keahi can continue his bad puns, both competitors have almost reached the lava! Erebus lacks anyway to save himself, but his claw is still lodged in James's neck. He prayed that James would rescue them with Surf, but both of them just continued falling. Was James still malfunctioning?

The fiters land into the lava. Erebus lands first, and his landing in the orange liquid causes him to dislodge his claw from James's chassis. James, now able to think clearly without constant electrical surges messing up his systems, realizes he is now waist deep in lava. Circuits struggle against time and heat to whip up one last saving grace...

A massive tidal wave pushes James out of the magma and to safety next to our ref and Keahi. Unfortunately for Erebus though, the wave did not lift him out of the magma. Erebus's body begins to sink into the lava, the poor chaos marine long dead before the magma finished melting his armor and body.

Erebus is clearly dead, but what about James?

Gezora, dripping gobs of water as it dehydrated in the hot arena, inspected the robot. James was able to choke out a quick "ow", proving that the robot had indeed survived! Despite almost losing his head, losing one arm and both legs, this robot held on! James is the winner!

"Congratulations dude! That was totally gnarly! You and I should go surfing one day when you aren't so messed up! And hey, look at that! The lava is calming down. I guess it liked the sacrifice of the big guy! But I thought it only wanted virgins...

Wink, Wink."

"Can we get out of here, Surfer Stereotype? Gezora doesn't think it can survive much longer without hydration and with your poor attempts at humor."