"Thanks dude. Here in this place we've got like, this big metal cage thing dangling above some lava! The lava was taken from some volcano on my island, but like, the elders were all pissed because they think it's our God's blood or something. I don't believe in that stuff, but they did that whole 'virgin sacrifice' thing in it a lot, and too many hot babes had to die for that fake god dude. So yeah, we got that metal cage and lava that's god blood and then there are some fire shooting things that will shoot out flames like FWWOOOOSH!
So dudes, that's the place for this fite. Now, the guys who are fiting in it. One is like some big muscly dude with lots of armor named Erebus, and the other dude is some super robot thing shaped like a turtle named James! These guys are like super best buddies, so this battle must be pretty important! All I know is that it's going to be gnarly!"
After Keahi finishes his slang-riddled introduction, Erebus and James the Blastoise are transported into the dangling cage. Erebus and James the Robot Blastoise, prepare to Fite Yer' Mate!
Fire jets begin to shoot out flames like FWWOOOOSH, but James toughs them out. His strong metallic shell resisted the flames, and even in organic life he was resistant to the effects of fire. Erebus's armor is also similarly immune, so it appears money was wasted on installing those things. The chaos space marine does, however, use the veil of flames to sneak up on James from behind. With a move quicker than a cheetah with a rocket for an arse, Erebus slices both of the mechanical Blastoise's back cannons off in a fluid movement. James registers the severing and quickly pushes himself backwards, putting his entire weight onto the marine.
"Damn! Did you see that? That one guy's claws totally tore those cannons off! It was like... WOAH!!!"
Thanks Keahi, for that helpful commentary...
Erebus struggles to push the robotic turtle off of him, and James takes the moment to test to see if his hand cannons can fire the same beams as the lost back cannons. He confirms that his hand cannons can indeed shoot Ice Beams, and quickly stands back up and turns around. White, freezing rays shoot out from the holes in the turtle's hands and at Erebus, but the chaos marine is quick to roll out of the beams' trajectories. The metal grating that made up the cage's floor takes the brunt of the beam, freezing to the point of being brittle. James quickly distances itself from the trap waiting to happen as it aims its cannons at the fleeing space marine.
"Hey, dudes. Something is up with the lava. It is moving about and bubbling really weird!" Keahi says, as the lava below does indeed move about and bubble really weirdly. Large plumes of lava shoot up into the air as Erebus dashes around the arena, trying to close the distance between him and James without being hit by a frosty beam. James's arm cannon begins to ready an intensely powerful beam: Hyper Beam. Erebus swiftly realizes he is about to be hit with a powerful attack, so he closes in and grabs the turtle's hand, trying to pull it up and aim it at the Blastoise's head. James struggles against the marine's strength, but a quick kick from a robotic leg causes Erebus to trip.
James points his cannon right at Erebus, but suddenly the cage shakes once more. Lava shoots up and slams into the dangling arena, causing the Hyper Beam to blast off an entire side of the cage. James, his power temporarily exhausted from using the intense beam, needs to rest a bit, and Erebus stands up and readies his claws. This is a wide opening for him to get in some hits. But something really seems to be up with the lava!
"Dude, I know I said I didn't believe in that god mumbo jumbo, but I think this lava really is some crazy god's blood! Look man, coming out of the lava are like, some sort of lava beasts!"
Indeed, as Keahi described it, some sort of lava beasts are like, coming out of the lava!
A huge tidal wave somehow appears beneath James's feet and begins going towards Erebus. The chaos marine, rather than try to dodge it, dives right through the wave. The wave of water seems to do nothing to the marine's tough armor, but the water does carry James towards the edge of the arena! James grabs onto one of the iron bars before before the water could carry him out of the cage and into the lava below.
Erebus rushes forward to try and meet his opponent, but a group of lava beasts shoot out from below and tear holes in the grating that made up the floor. Erebus's claws spark with energy. If he had to get through some lava monsters to reach James, then so be it.
James, on the other hand, was dangling above the bubbling lava from an iron bar. His weight was causing the entire cage to tip in that direction, and now he, too, was being approached by beasts made of molten magma. Relying on only one hand to maintain his grip on the arena, James begins to fire ice beams at the lava creatures in a vain attempt to prevent them from devouring him.
"Dude, this is not really Fite Yer' Mates anymore. It's like, Try To Fite When Lava Things Attack You."
I have the feeling we didn't pick the best on-site consultant for this match...
"Dude, look at the big guy go!" Keahi helpfully comments.
Erebus, a.k.a. the big guy, is tearing into the lava beasts with his claws. Whether or not it was actually harming the beasts is one thing, but the claws would separate the lava beasts' heads from their bodies, causing their bodies to spill back into the magma below. Is it magma or lava? We aren't quite sure at this point. Either way, the lava creatures let up on Erebus, but James is still struggling to hang on and keep off the beasts at the same time. Beam after beam uselessly hits the heads of the odd magma monsters as they reach in to crush the turtle in their fiery jaws.
Erebus sees his opponent dangling from the cage and dashes towards him. Just before the beasts could bite down on the mechanical tortoise, Erebus grabs him and flings him back into the arena. The beasts snap uselessly at metal bars before the lightning claws of the chaos marine decapitate and tame them.
Erebus turns back to James, ready to go back to fiting him instead of fiting flame creatures.
"Dude, I think things are getting back on track! Those lava things are dying down, but the lava is still bubbling and shooting out jets of lava like it's angry!"
James hears Keahi's commentary and begins cooking up a plan. The cage's floor was already full of holes, it could probably use a few more! James begins to Dig holes into the metal grating, turning the ground into thin walkways difficult for both fiters to navigate. No fast dashing for Erebus anymore!
Erebus does, however, close the distance between him and James, just not as fast as he could have earlier. The electric claws slam directly into the turtle's shell, electrocuting the machine. James, previously a water type and now a robot, did not quite agree with foreign electrical input. Systems begin to fry and go down, and suddenly his hands shoot out a hyper beam without warning. The suddenness of the beam destroys James's right hand, but it also blasts Erebus square in the chest, blasting open the armor and exposing bare flesh. The concussive blast sends Erebus flying away, the talons breaking off in James's shell.
Erebus tumbles through the air and lands precariously on one of the remaining walkways, barely able to grab onto it. His legs dangle above the lava below, and a plume of red hot molten material nips at his ankles. And when we say "nips at", we mean "nips off", since it is lava and all. Erebus screams as he pulls himself back onto the thin metal floor of the cage. He tries to stand, but his feet are singed and weak. Across the arena, the damaged James is still malfunctioning.
James tries to move towards Erebus, but its systems end up causing it to run straight forward and right into one of the arena's holes. James begins tumbling down towards the lava below, which seems to bubble in glee as its hunger is almost met.
"Woah woah woah!" Oh great, Keahi has something to say... "Both guys are practically doomed! That turtle robot is all broken and the big guy is all hurt! Now the turtle is going towards the lava! Looks like the big guy wi-
Wait! What's with that water?"
That's right, folks, James is riding the water again! Luckily for him, whatever allows the robotic Blastoise to surf on a spontaneously created wave of water still worked! James rides the water up and back into the arena, pulling itself back onto the metal walkway near Erebus.
Erebus propels himself towards James and digs his remaining claw into the neck of James. James, being a robot, doesn't instantly die from this, but Erebus begins to pull upwards with the claw, trying to pry his head off like James had done to Optimus in their fite. James struggles to resist, but the electricity continues to cause him to malfunction. Wires snap and circuitry sizzles as the head gets looser and looser...
James's remaining hand struggles to fire. Ice Beam, Hyper Beam, a plasma shot, anything will do!
But nope, his malfunctioning system instead chooses Dig.
The robot's hands breaks open the floor beneath Erebus and James, causing both fiters to free-fall into the lava!
"We are here again! Both guys at risk of falling into the hot gooey stuff! Like that name for the lava? Hot gooey stuff?
Anyway, things sure are getting heated here! That's another good one. These hotblooded fiters are falling to their deaths! Wait, the turtle doesn't have blood. Um... Let me think, I've got more."
Before Keahi can continue his bad puns, both competitors have almost reached the lava! Erebus lacks anyway to save himself, but his claw is still lodged in James's neck. He prayed that James would rescue them with Surf, but both of them just continued falling. Was James still malfunctioning?
The fiters land into the lava. Erebus lands first, and his landing in the orange liquid causes him to dislodge his claw from James's chassis. James, now able to think clearly without constant electrical surges messing up his systems, realizes he is now waist deep in lava. Circuits struggle against time and heat to whip up one last saving grace...
A massive tidal wave pushes James out of the magma and to safety next to our ref and Keahi. Unfortunately for Erebus though, the wave did not lift him out of the magma. Erebus's body begins to sink into the lava, the poor chaos marine long dead before the magma finished melting his armor and body.
Gezora, dripping gobs of water as it dehydrated in the hot arena, inspected the robot. James was able to choke out a quick "ow", proving that the robot had indeed survived! Despite almost losing his head, losing one arm and both legs, this robot held on! James is the winner!
"Congratulations dude! That was totally gnarly! You and I should go surfing one day when you aren't so messed up! And hey, look at that! The lava is calming down. I guess it liked the sacrifice of the big guy! But I thought it only wanted virgins...
Wink, Wink."
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