"Simply Edward will do, thank you, and I'm not entirely comfortable with the situation here. My father died on his trip to the Antarctic, and now I fear the colds of the north may be trying to claim this Shackleton! The temperatures are ludicrously low here, and even in many layers of clothing I still find my teeth chattering. This giant squid with a referee's hat is also eying me hungrily from beneath its sunglasses, and I've been told the event I am supposed to host may injure people in the proximity of it.
The fiters in this competitive fiting event are as follows: One is called Rain and is apparently an expert ninja capable of manipulating both water and lightning. He has brought a naginata, which is essentially just a fancily named polearm. His opponent for the night will be some sort of automaton called Oceanus, who shall be piloting, I can't believe I'm saying this, a mechanical shark! I don't know if this is some sort of ridiculous reimagining of John Henry's tall tale, but if it gets me the money I need, then I shan't question it further."
Wasn't that nice? A bit condescending, but a lot more informative than our last fite's correspondent! Rain and Bubble Man have arrived at the arena, so you know what that means?
Rain and Oceanus, time to Fite Yer' Mate!
"This is quite dull. It feels more like we are watching a staring contest than a fite between man and machine. Wait, the ninja seems to be moving! And... he's gone?"
As Edward spoke, Rain's body seems to disappear, the naginata dropping to the ice with a loud clank. Oceanus immediately suspects ninja trickery and sends the robotic shark into a deep dive. The large metal shark sees a tinier Greenland Shark and bites into it in a moment of boisterous showing off, causing a cloud of blood to form in the water around Oceanus and the shark. Oceanus, who was going to scold the shark at first, noticed that the blood of the organic shark served as a protective veil from any intruding trickery.
And he was right in not scolding the shark. The purple ninja had dissolved into water particles and was trying to get the drop on the robotic fish. But when the blood mixed with the water, Rain's ruse was revealed. The lone patch of regular water in a cluster of crimson liquid quickly clued the robot in. Oceanus jumps the shark and goes towards the water molecules and fires a stream of mercury from his pinky. Rain's watery molecules are scattered by the metallic liquid guaranteed to ruin any fishing in the area for years to come.
"So the robot can fire mercury from its finger? Was the ninja allowed any such accoutrements to accommodate for this? Is this fite supposed to be fair?"
Shackleton continues questioning the robot's use of mercury as Rain's molecules begin to float back up to the water's surface. Quickly reforming into his human shape, the purple ninja clambers back onto the ice and reclaims his naginata, anticipating the approach of Oceanus and the shark.
The robot shark, emboldened by its kill of the organic shark, swims hurriedly to the surface, ignoring its master. Oceanus paddles as fast as he can in attempt to try and catch up and mount the shark once more. Rain stands on the edge of the ice, waiting for both machines to reach the surface...
As Oceanus and the metal shark are just about to breach the ocean's surface, Rain readies his naginata... and sends down a purple thunderbolt from the sky!
The robotic shark, definitely the more poorly made of the two, begins to sink to the bottom of the ocean as its systems begin to fail. Oceanus also is harshly shocked, but unlike his shark companion, he is able to tough out the lightning strike's effects. Oceanus does, however, let Rain think he was also unable to move, and begins to sink into the darkness of the icy depths.
Rain backs up and readies himself in case of any foul business, and he was right in doing so.
Oceanus leaps up through the center of the ice chunk, shattering it into pieces. Rain nimbly jumps onto a nearby iceberg and begins hurling thunderbolts at Oceanus, who is now also jumping on chunks of ice. The two bounce around on the frozen platforms, the ninja hurling lightning while Oceanus's middle finger emitted a flamethrower.
"It seems our two competitors are locked in a game of chase! In fact... I am losing sight of them... Come on giant cuttlefish official! We must pursue them!"
Gezora picks up Shackleton and pursues the competitors as they leap onto they various ice floes of the arctic.
Rain's lightning bolts fail to make contact with the former robot master, but they do shatter entire icebergs with their power. Oceanus's flamethrower finger also fails to do anything of note, and his other fingers contained no truly long range weapons. Rain was trying to wear down Oceanus's endurance, but the ninja was getting exhausted from bouncing around so much. That's when Rain remembers something: Oceanus is a robot, he will be able to endure a lot more exertion then any organic being.
It is when Rain realizes this that he stops fleeing and lands on a sheet of ice. Oceanus quickly follows after him, landing on the ice and readying all five fingers for battle. Rain brandishes his naginata in a manner that would look pretty kickass in 3D. Oceanus charges forward, all five of his fingers firing at the ninja. Rain dodges the many different substances of Oceanus's five fingers of doom and slices into the robot's side with the naginata. The suddenness of the strike causes the five fingers to spray wildly all around. The flamethrower and steam do nothing in the frenzy, but Oceanus accidentally coats himself in Mercury, Hydrofluoric acid, and Liquid Nitrogen. Oceanus begins screaming as different parts of his chassis are destroyed in different ways.
Rain feels bad for Oceanus and uses a quick blast of water to slam the green machine back into the ocean. Most of the dangerous chemicals are washed off, but there is now a gaping hole in the part of the chassis Rain had blasted. Apparently the mix of dangerous liquids had severely diminished the robot's armor!
"Okay, we found them. It seems the green robot has shot itself in the foot by spraying chemicals all over itself, and the purple ninja remains relatively untouched. I really underestimated this ninja!"
Oh Mr. Shackleton, you spoke to soon! As soon as Rain's unharmed state is brought up, Oceanus comes back out of the water behind Rain. Out of the robot master's right arm comes a built-in trident, which quickly jams itself into the ninja's rear. Oceanus was aiming for the back, but you know, height differences and all...
Rain tries to spin around to cut the robot, but the trident is stuck to Oceanus's arm, so the spin causes Oceanus to spin around with him. Oceanus is literally stuck to Rain's ass!
"This is just juvenile. If I knew this is how things would go, I would have never accepted this work..."
Oceanus begins to slam his free arm repeatedly into Rain's back, so the demigod pulls his naginata over his head and begins to stab wildly behind him. At first, the naginata just pokes minor holes in the machine's armor. Oceanus is able to ignore these blows as he lays strong metallic punches into the slowly cracking spine of his opponent, but then a wild slash of the ninja's weapon easily tears through Oceanus's right arm. The robot stumbles back after the arm removal, and Rain attempts to pry the trident out of his arse.
Oceanus tries to stand up, but Rain quickly leaps up onto the fallen robot, now ignoring the trident in his rump. Oceanus's chassis is so weak it cracks under the weight of the ninja as he aims the naginata directly at the robot master's face. Rain pulls back his weapon.
"Oh my, that unfortunate robot. Then again, it is just a robot, so whatever its primary function is can easily be fulfilled by other machines in its production line."
Shackleton apparently doesn't understand robot sentience, so as Rain pulls the naginata up with both of his arms, our correspondent fails to realize the gravity of this robot's death. With a great surge of strength, Rain slams down the polearm...
BUT THEN A SHARK APPEARS!!!
Rain, however, tumbles around on the remaining ice and straight into the jaws of the robotic shark.
"Well, although the shark seemed to be carrying most of the weight in the battle, that injured robot Oceanus appears to be our victor! Machine has triumphed over man, even if the machine that actually won was based on a fish, and the man was able to dissolve into water. Anyway, I was only contracted to be here until the finale of this fite, so I must go now. Shall we leave, Gezora?
...Gezora?"
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