Fite 40- Rocking the Rock Salt (Gamera vs. WALL!!)

On the night of the fourth arena fite, we go to the Wieliczka Salt Mine in the wonderful country of Poland! Tonight's on-site correspondent is rather queer fellow. We tried to enlist some of the miners, but they are busy with work and few speak English! So, in absence of a local, we just brought some of the local salt to life! We created a Salt Golem! We'll spare the details on how, but let's go to this freshly born monstrosity for tonight's introduction.

"HELLO. I AM SALT GOLEM. TONIGHT, A GIANT MONSTER FITES A PIECE OF WALL. GIANT MONSTER IS NAMED GAMERA, GAMERA BROUGHT HUGE SUITCASE FULL OF SUITCASES TO THE FITE. PIECE OF WALL IS JUST NAMED WALL!! IT BROUGHT A PORTAL GUN TO THE FITE.

THE FITE WILL TAKE PLACE HERE. WIELICZKA SALT MINE IS UNIQUE. MINERS CARVED SALT INTO AMAZING ART AND STRUCTURES, INCLUDING A GIANT CHAPEL. FITERS WILL START IN THE CHAPEL AND INEVITABLY MOVE INTO THE MAIN MINES AS THE FITE GOES ON."

One thing you have to like about Salt Golems: they get straight to the point! Gamera and WALL!!, you two goofballs, it's time to Fite Yer' Mate!

To fit in the chapel, Gamera had to crouch, but he was rather enjoying looking at all the murals carved out of the rock salt while he waited for the fite to begin. As Gamera observed a carving of the Last Supper, he noticed something odd...

 

 "'Sup dude!" WALL!! says as he appears in place of Jesus's head. The signal for the battle to begin is given and the salty hand of Jesus raises up the WALL!!'s weapon. Apparently, WALL!! had figured out a way to get around his whole "no hands" issue! Gamera leaps back to try and dodge the portal gun, but the massive kaiju hits into a chandelier made of rock salt. As thousands of devoted man hours crashes to the ground in a hail of tasty minerals, the portal gun begins to open fire.

Thanks to the falling chandelier though, the portals fail to hit Gamera, instead hitting tiny bits of salt from the shattering light fixture. Tiny portals open up, but none of them large enough for the infinite kittens from the other side of the portal to spill through. However, tiny cat tongues do appear out of them, licking the salt around them hungrily. The Wall laughs at the tongues, but Gamera has opened up his briefcase. Hurling the sets of tinier briefcases at the WALL!!'s face, Gamera manages to destroy the priceless salt rendition of Da Vinci's work. Parts of the living wall's face fall off. Apparently, salt is not the best material to manifest on, so the WALL!! begins to disappear.

Gamera sits down on a pew and waits for the WALL!! to manifest on a new wall. Gamera picks up some of the salt and tastes it, and he finds the taste pleasant! Gamera stands up and smashes down one of the chapels walls as he exits, seeking something yummy to put the salt on.

"THIS IS HORRIBLE. BEING A SALT GOLEM, SEEING SO MUCH SALT DESTROYED IS LIKE SEEING MY FAMILY MURDERED. CAN SOMEONE STOP THEM BEFORE THEY BREAK DOWN THE WHOLE CHAPEL?"

Gamera, who was off looking for sandwich ingredients, suddenly gets a great idea! The WALL!! can't manifest if there are no walls! Gamera begins pounding the chapel to bits, ignoring the desperate cries of our on-site reporter. WALL!!, meanwhile, is resting on the side of an actual wall of the mine nearby. Bereft of the carved digits of a prominent religious figure, WALL!! is forced to try and handle the portal gun with only the salty makeup of the mine's walls. The gun rests in a small indentation, and WALL!! is flapping his jaw open and shut trying to nudge the trigger properly.

Gamera finishes bashing the chapel to salty bits, but he isn't entirely rude about it. He decides to pile it all into one giant pile so that cleanup would not be so bad later. Before he leaves though, he pulls out a kaiju-sized salt shaker and fills it up with seem to be the remains of a salty sculpture of a saint.

"IT SEEMS GAMERA CAME TO THE BATTLE HUNGRY. HUNGRY FOR MY BRETHREN! I HOPE THEY BOTH DIE HERE, THEY ARE RUINING THE MINE!"

Gamera turns around and sees the WALL!! fiddling with his gun. Gamera charges forward, but again is forced to leap backwards. The portal gun is finally triggered, and Gamera moved out of the way just in time to avoid a portal appearing on his chin. Gamera falls back into the pile of salt that was once a marvel of craftmanship and looks up at the ceiling. From a portal in the ceiling, a rain of cats pours down into the mine!

Gamera struggles to get out of the salt, but suddenly the pile has a few curious cats on it as well!

Not one for senselessly killing cats, Gamera tries to safely wiggle himself free of the pile without harming the kittens, but the cats just keep coming! Cats begin licking the salt and Gamera hungrily. Gamera begins to chuckle from their ticklish tongues as the WALL!! begins to laugh at Gamera laughing from the licking! The Salt Golem though is taking it very differently...

"THIS IS SICKENING! I WAS BROUGHT TO LIFE JUST TO WATCH MY BRETHREN CONSUMED! I CAN'T TAKE THIS! I'M ENDING THIS!"

Gezora grabs the golem and looks it directly in the eyes.

"Interfere with the match and Gezora will have a new salt lick chained up for the bar's clientele."

The Salt Golem is set down next to Gezora and watches as the kitties continue consuming the salt around Gamera. Soon, the vast amount of kitties are able to eat all the salt, leaving Gamera free from the pile but still covered in kitties. The WALL!! is trying to aim the gun at Gamera's body now though, hoping a painful kitty-spilling hole in the chest could take down the kaiju. Gamera sees this though and decides not to give his opponent time to attack. Gamera begins to shoot fireballs from his mouth, shattering huge chunks of the salt wall around the WALL!! The WALL!! is forced to flee, but the plasma fireballs destroy the portal gun, leaving the face in the wall unarmed.

Gamera scoops up some kittens and fires more plasma fireballs at the ceiling. The crumbling ceiling is unable to maintain the portal, so now the infinite kitty stream stops. The giant turtle scoops up the remaining cats that did make it through the portal and leaps further into the salt mine as a huge salt cave-in takes place.

Gezora grumbles as it pulls itself out of the cave-in, clearly miffed to once again be harmed during an arena fite. The Salt Golem also climbs out. The correspondent and referee crawl through the salt and reach the main vein of the mine, where they see a group of kittens tied to one of the mine's supporting columns. They leave the kittens alone and move on. Gezora has to crouch to continue, but then the mine gets much wider. The mine's shaft was now the size of Gamera when he is in his shell. Apparently, Gamera must have pulled into his shell and flown through the mine in pursuit of the WALL!!

Large chunks of the mine's walls were missing as they continued on. They could see a bit of blood from the giant turtle on the ground, and a chunk of bloody rock salt next to it. Apparently the WALL!! had found a way to drop a few rocks on the kaiju's head. The two could feel the ground shaking beneath them, and from deeper in the mine they heard some taunts.

"I guess there was some truth to the Tortoise and the Hare! Except this is the Tortoise and the Wall, and I'm kicking your ass!"

"You can't even kick! I wonder how Mrs. WALL!! feels knowing her husband doesn't have a-"

"Woah dude! Way to hit below the belt, the belt I can't even wear! And there is no Mrs. WALL!! Too many ladies to love to tie this wall down!"

Gezora and the Salt Golem follow the back and forth and begin wading through rushing water. Soon, they reach a massive chamber, where Gamera is waist deep in water as the WALL!! spins around on the mine's walls. Apparently, their battle had broken down a critical wall and caused water to spill into the mine, flooding it.

"OH NO! THE MINE IS FLOODING! THIS WILL NOT GO WELL WITH THE OWNERS!"

Gezora, tired of the Salt Golem, pushes him in the water and grabs a nearby pick.

"Gezora is not sticking around for the inevitable. Gezora has been hit by salt tonight, Gezora does not need the water to hurt it too!"

Gezora goes off to mine salt as the Salt Golem flops about in the water. Gamera scoops the golem up and tries to chuck it at the WALL!!, but the face just zooms around the wall more and more. Fireballs, projectiles, even the few remaining briefcases Gamera had were not harming the WALL!! at all! Gamera takes a moment to consider what to do as the WALL!! does the same. The WALL!! was restricted to the walls and lacked limbs, so how was he going to hurt the massive turtle? He got lucky with the ceiling's loose rocks earlier, but this chamber's ceiling was solid as, well, rock!

Both competitors seem to have their epiphanies at the same time. Both now know how to win the match. The WALL!! acts first, his face digging indents into the wall until he strikes more water. The WALL!! repeats this, teleporting around the chamber and opening more and more holes to the allow the water to spill in. Soon, the entire chamber is submerged in water! The WALL!! laughs a bubbly laugh, but what the WALL!! doesn't know is this helped Gamera's plan in a way!

Gamera reaches out and grabs a chunk of the wall, the chunk the WALL!! happened to be resting on. The WALL!! tries to teleport away, but finds he is unable to. The chunk of wall he is on is starting to dissolve, the water around him doing what it naturally does to sodium chloride. His face was composed of too many dissolving salt molecules for him to properly move his face elsewhere. Gamera was going to try and induce this effect with just splashing the water onto the walls of the mine, but now he didn't need to. Gamera pulled the dissolving chunk of salt to his mouth.

"No, man, no! Don't do it! I don't taste good! I never bathe! I appear on all kinds of nasty walls! I appear on the walls of gas station restrooms! NO! NOOO! NOOOOO!!" The WALL!! chokes out a cry as Gamera takes a huge bite out of the WALL!!

Despite being much to salty, Gamera consumes the entirety of the WALL!!'s face in bite-sized bits. As soon as he is done though, he begins to swim off, hoping to find the way out of the mine.

The Salt Golem, beginning to dissolve in the flooded mine, finds the way back on his own. He struggles to give the last report on the fite.

"I GUESSSSSSSSSSS THAT IS ITTTTTTTTTT. GAMERA HAS WONNNNNNNN THROUGH CONSUMPTION. CONGRATULATIONSSSSSS GAMERAAAAAAA."

The Salt Golem pulls itself along and finds Gezora mining salt with a pick.

"If Gezora has to keep getting hurt in these fites, Gezora might as well get something out of it."

After mining his share of free salt, Gezora takes the box of salt and the injured Salt Golem and leaves the mine.