Snapper 001
The film flickers a bit until the image is clear. It’s near sunrise and
most of the patrons of the bar are gone, probably doing something
important like sleeping or drawing wildebeests with blood. Gezora is
seen polishing glasses and Alex the Janitor is busy with his janitorial
duties. At the bar, there are only two patrons: Designate_5 and Rainbow
Dash.
“So, what did you think of the Teslacorn match? It seemed like your kind of fight.” The necronaut says.
“It was awesome! Teslacorn really showed the power of a pony! I don’t mean to brag or anything, but come this big brawl, ponies will dominate everything Zoofights!”
“Oh really? You think a little weaponless pony can take down warriors and giant dragons?”
“My friends and I have beaten dragons before!” screams Rainbow Dash.
“Yeah, but you did it by repairing his mustache. These beasts are bloodthirsty and care little about their facial hair or appearance.”
“That big one has a beard though! But I’m not going to beat them that way, I’ve got some tricks up my sleeves.”
“Like what? All I’ve seen you do around here is make funny faces.” Designate scoffs.
“Wike Dis?”
“Yeah, exactly like that…”
“I’m tough though! Come outside, I’ll show you what I can do!”
Designate follows the pony into the street and up to a tiny pile of rubble.
“Watch this!”
Rainbow Dash flies around the pile repeatedly, getting faster and faster with each revolution. A tiny tornado forms and begins to lift the rubble from the ground. Soon, a small vortex of spinning rocks is formed and Rainbow Dash dashes away from it as it begins to spin down the road. She flies over to Designate, panting and sweating buckets.
“See? I’m practicing to make bigger ones so I can use them in the battle!”
Designate is impressed, but not by the power of the tornado, but the fact that the pony managed to muster up anything at all. Designate raises an arm and points at the remains of a scorched factory.
“That’s what I can do with my weapons set on low.”
Rainbow Dash looks over and for a brief moment shows her surprise, but quickly regains her composure and smug attitude. She turns back to Designate and screams.
“You think you’re so tough! Come this Saturday, I’ll show you that I’m not just a little pony! I can stand up to the rest of you and blow you away!”
Rainbow Dash flies off in a huff, and Designate walks back towards the bar. He shakes his head, clearly concerned for the brash pony who has no idea what she’s gotten herself into.
The film then turns to static…
Snapper 002
The film flickers on and the image is once again of the bar, but now
it’s at dusk. The bar is full of people celebrating won bets and others
drinking away their lost ones. Amidst the crowded bar, three
recognizable faces sit right next to each other, all three drinking
profusely, swearing profusely, and just being all around profuse. One of
them is Deleter, whose ranting is riddled with mentions of how fighting
is just a paycheck. Another is Doktor Hanz, who has slipped into his
native German and whose accordion head keeps emitting loud noises as it
bobs around during his mad ravings. The third figure is saberwulf, who
is waving his suitcase around dangerously during the brouhaha between
the three.
“Listen ‘ere doktore, I don’ care whut ya say in yer’ funny German speak, but this battle ‘ere is just a way to desensitize tha masses. Fightin’ fer’ sport polishes the turd that is modern life.” Deleter shouts, his face much closer to Hanz’s accordion head than most people ever get to an actual accordion.
“If Ich still had lips, I would use zem to spit on your stupid face! Zis is mein chance to get zat RedSpy back for that cheap win!”
Saberwulf interjects, “You won’t even get a chance! This battlefield will just be my new garden of black holes. I hope you guys like kittens made of custard, because you’ll be spending the rest of your days with them!”
“Ya think yer’ pretty tough, eh?” Deleter socks saberwulf square on the jaw, or where saberwulf presumably has some sort of jaw. Saberwulf attempts to deliver a sucker punch right back to the space marine, but the helmet blocks the blow and leaves saberwulf with bruised knuckles, so he turns and decks Hanz instead. Hanz busts a bottle of beer on the bar like in the movies, but unfortunately, unlike in the movies, it just shatters to beer-soaked pieces rather than into a pointed weapon. Hanz instead slugs saberwulf in the stomach and grabs the Deleter’s huge mech suit and pushes it down on to the bar.
Hanz climbs up and draw his Luger on Deleter. Deleter pulls up his rifle and aims it square at the instrumental head of the German. Saberwulf opens up his suitcase and whips out two vials with black holes, prepared to bust them on the other twos’ heads. They’ve reached a Mexican standoff, or rather a German-Texan-Interdimensional standoff.
Suddenly, three giant tentacles grab the three of them and pull the three apart. The entire bar is looking at the three, who now struggle in the tentacles of Gezora.
“Now now children, save it for Saturday.” Gezora bellows.
“Screw that! I ‘ave bigger fish to fry in the brawl.” Says the Texan.
“As do Ich” says the German.
“I’d say ‘as do I’ too, but at this point it would be redundant” says the saberwulf.
Gezora sets them down, and they all turn to each other. The bar noise starts to pick up again, and the noise is lost amidst the many voices of other patrons, but there seems to be talk of frying fish first, then frying each other.
Only Gezora’s voice can be heard clearly still,
“All this talk of frying fish and humans has made Gezora hungry. Excuse Gezora as it goes to ‘call some tabs’.”
The film then turns to static…
Snapper 003
The film starts with an image of Widow Maker, Red Spy, Cap’n Ogopogo and Tapogrepogo . Widow Maker and Red Spy are both mourning the loss of
the eel, and the two cryptids are trying to comfort their friends.
Tapogrepogo tries to pat RedSpy on the back to show his support, but
his motor skills are a bit off and he ends up slapping Red Spy’s face.
“Thanks Tapogrepogo, I needed that to snap out of this funk.”
Tapogrepogo plays it off like that was his plan all along, which pretty much involves grinning and trying to lean on the bar’s counter, which ends up just causing him to slip, hit his head, and fall unconscious to the ground.
“Arr, I really need to do somethin’ about that thar’ tapogre’s motor skills…” Ogopogo lifts his buddy off the ground and puts him in a booth off to the side. Widow Maker is still sitting silently, staring at a lovely mantid cocktail that would have normally calmed her nerves. Her face is motionless, even as Sine walks into the bar and right up to her.
“I apologize for your losing streak, and although I know my words cannot console you, I thought maybe I could offer you this for the brawl.”
Sine pulls out a package,
puts in front of the mantis, and then leaves, off to deliver something
through pandimensional portal hopping. Widow Maker looks at the box,
still emotionless, until suddenly it begins to glow and shake.
RedSpy and Ogopogo eye the blade warily. It makes them both feel uneasy, but Widow Maker seems delighted to have this new blade. She immediately removes her lance arm and puts the sword on her arm. Now the bug’s entire body is surrounded by the eerie red glow, and a most menacing and maniacal laugh escapes the mantid’s mandibles. Red Spy, seeing his good friend enveloped by an evil aura, begs her,
“Remove that sword Widow Maker! It’s doing something to you!”
Widow Maker’s eyes turn red and she slashes towards Red Spy and Ogopogo. Both dodge the blade, but a red beam is fired from the sword that manages to burn Ogopogo’s hat and kill a few regular joes also in the bar. Luckily, in the midst of the post-fight rioting from Achilles’ fall, no one has the time to care about the death of some faceless background characters.
Widow Maker’s features begin to change, she begins to grow…
Red Spy manages to come in close and yank the sword off of Widow Maker’s arm, and she immediately reverts back to normal. In the brief time Red Spy holds it, he can hear the sword whisper to him…
”Disappointment Failure Loss Forsaken Revenge Murder Terror Kill Major Fa…”
Red Spy tosses the sword to the ground, snapping him away from the horrible mutterings it fed into his mind. “You can’t use this sword in the fight! It wants to control you, it wants you to… kill the Major…”
Widow Maker looks at the sword on the ground. Her eyes widen again, but Ogopogo quickly snaps it away from her gaze, wrapping it in what remains of his hat.“Yar har, we’ll keep this wrapped up for now.”
Widow Maker says, “I- I have to use it. I could feel its power, it’s much stronger than anyone entering the brawl. I could win, I could beat my losing streak with a victory of my own. I can’t just pass up the oppurtinity… Just- Just don’t fight near me. I’ll handle myself well if it’s only my foes nearby, but I don’t know if I can control myself if you were nearby…”
“Arr! We can’t just abandon our matey on the battlefield!”
“No,” says Red Spy, “She’s right. With that power, she could easily wipe out some of the more ethereal foes. We’ll just keep our distance from her and, if we can’t reclaim her in the end, we would have to…”
“I know the risks RedSpy! I just can’t pass this oppurtinity by. I know its selfish, but I… I don’t know, I need this. We’ll have to keep this secret though. If the other fighters know this sword’s power, they might try to get their hands on it. I can’t imagine what would happen then…”
“Don’t worry matey, we’ll keep this under our hats. Speaking of which, you owe me a new one. Kazaar!”
The film then turns to static, but something strange appears…
KLL MJR KLL EVRYN
Snapper 004Suddenly, a voice rings out: “You might want to keep better track of your friends, Ceadeus.”
Ceadeus gets back up immediately and scans the dark horizon frantically. It had no idea how long the person speaking had been watching, and it had no idea what the ominous message meant. A tiny Roomba rolls out from the darkness, and behind it walks Devil Ed.
“What do you mean, tiny Devil man? My friends are all in the bar, preparing for the fight last I checked.”
“You seem to have forgotten one, a certain sea slug…”
Ceadeus instantly realizes which friend it has been neglecting: Dudemanguy. The tiny sea slug was recovering from battle wounds and had sent it to fight the battle for it. “WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO HIM?!?” Ceadeus screams at the hooded man.
“Nothing, but I thought you should know he passed away from his injuries.”
Ceadeus lies back down on the ground and lets out a sullen huff. It hadn’t expected Dudemanguy’s injuries to be that severe.
“I do have good news though, and if you’ll permit me to ramble uninterrupted, I’ll gladly share it with you.”
Ceadeus looks up to the Devil and nods. It also notices Devil Ed’s clenched fist, but it doesn’t bother and just lies back down to listen to whatever “good news” this half-demon was going to share with it.
“While I was back in Hell training, I noticed the soul of your little slug friend and talked to him. Don’t worry about his eternal soul, I won a huge batch of souls of God in our last craps game and I guess Dudemanguy was part of the package. Anyway, I have a proposition for you Ceadeus…”
At this point, Ceadeus was back up and no longer lying on the ground dejectedly. Even if it had to make a deal with the Devil Ed, it would bring its tiny friend back to life. “What do you want from me?”
Devil Ed smirks before continuing, “Nothing much, you won’t even be bargaining souls or anything. No, in my hand I hold the soul of Dudemanguy. All I need from you is your cooperation in the Big Brawl. You just need to go for the Crunk Wizard and his dragon. I won’t say much more, but I was warned by an angel to fear the Wizard’s powers. As long as you agree, I will release his soul. Hell, I might as well bring him to the brawl too so he can watch you take down the wizard!”
Ceadeus had no problem agreeing to this, except for one thing, “This isn’t going to have some catch is it? He won’t come back as a Satanic slug or something, right?”
“Of course not, I have more important matters right now than to get one of Hell’s millions of lawyers to write up an loophole ridden contract. Just sign this here ironclad contract with a bit of your own blood, and Dudemanguy will be alive and well and in the stands come Saturday.”
The tiny Roomba pricks Ceadeus’s side with a pen and then puts it in the creature’s mouth. Ceadeus tries to maneuver its head to sign the contract, but its having terrible luck signing its name.
“Just an ‘X’ would be fine…”
Ceadeus signs the X and the contract glows a bright gold. Devil Ed extends his clenched hand and opens it, releasing the spirit of Dudemanguy to go back to its body. Ceadeus is overjoyed and starts to scramble as best it can on land back to where Dudemanguy was recovering before his death. Devil Ed just disappears into the darkness, followed by the tiny Roomba.
The film then turns to static…
Snapper 005
This time the film starts with an image outside of the Fine Silver
building at night. It appears the camera is at first a simple security
camera, scanning slowly right and then left repeatedly. Three figures
start to appear in the darkness. The camera suddenly stops panning and
focuses exclusively on these three figures. As they draw closer to the
building, the figures become perfectly visible.
One of them is Erebus, the giant chaos space marine. He approaches the wall of the building and briefly slides one hand down its side. His mechanical voice speaks, “It’s pretty solid, and I don’t see any doors or entryways.”
The second figure is the Crunk Wizard, who has just thrown some illegal substance he was smoking to the ground and put it out. “I could just blast the fucking thing open. Or if we’re going for subtlety, I might know a teleport spell, but no guarantees on your whole body making it to the other side.”
“No need, Wizard,” says the third figure, Shuma-Gorath. “I can just phase us all through. We need to be stealthy, we have no idea what’s inside that building.”
Shuma’s tentacles grab the arms of the two others. The Wizard exclaims, “You can phase me through Shuma, but don’t try any of that Japanese tentacle shit on me.” They phase through layers of silver wall, the Wizard briefly mentions how trippy it is, but the sound is scattered and lost in the solid wall.
When they finally make it through, they find themselves in a completely dark room. The Wizard’s wand lights up, creating a small glow to allow him to see. Shuma must keep his eye squinted though, for his eye would undoubtedly light the whole complex if opened completely. Erebus lights his visions with the slight charge of his claws. They look around the room, and the only thing they can clearly see is a large metal crate in the middle.
“There it is,” whispers Erebus as best he can. The three approach the box, which has a single slit on the front. They try to look in, but they all knock into each other whilst doing so. The Wizard is about to scold Erebus and Shuma before he is shushed by a giant tentacle. The green horror’s tentacles grab its two accomplices once more and they phase into the box.
The film is unable to follow them into the box; it’s amazing it followed them through the silver wall at all! However, soon the three come stumbling out of the box and they rush towards the wall, which they phase through to leave the building. Staring after them are a set of red eyes peeking through the slit in the box.
The three stumble outside the massive silver building, and turn to each other.
Erebus speaks first. “Did you see that? I can’t believe what I saw. It’s nothing like I expected. It’s… It’s…”
“It’s shit!” exclaims the Wizard. “Complete shit! The buildup to this mystery fighter was amazing and all we get is this dingy thing? How does it even fight? Are we supposed to be scared? Why’d we even run out?”
Shuma speaks: “ You have to remember around here not everything is as it seems. Jeff is probably the most terrifying thing around here besides myself and it looked pretty innocuous. Perhaps this fighter is like Jeff too…”
“Fuck no, it was just some buildup for a bad payoff. I’m going home, I’m not sure if I should even practice my spells with shit like this entering the tournament!”
“He’s cursing more than usual. Is he… worried?” Erebus asks, turning to Shuma. Shuma shrugs a four-armed shrug, and the two walk away from the building.
The film then turns to static…
Snapper 006
The film begins with an image of both Owltomaton and ROB on tables in a
black room, both powered down. Some men walk in, but none of them are
familiar. Only one thing about them is familiar, and that is the
Sintendo logo on each of the men’s jackets.
The men begin to talk:
“ Sintendo is banking on one of these two winning the big brawl Saturday, so we have to make them both better for battle.”
“ROB has more than a couple issues. He’s malfunctioning, but we don’t dare attempt to fix it. His electricity may serve to his advantage.”
“Maybe we could find a way for him to focus it, into a lightning bolt or something?”
“Good idea. Next issue is his control. Right now, he can only do actions if prompted to by light on a screen or from a controller’s input.”
“I know! Let’s internalize a controller, and then we could tinker with his eyes a bit so everything appear to him as light input!”
“That’s completely retarded, but we’ll do it anyway and hope it works. Another issue is he literally cannot walk, the best he can do is shuffle.”
“Hm… I don’t know about that, maybe the owl could just push him from place to place? Wait, can he ride his own electricity?”
“I have no idea, but we’ll bet on that.”
“We could just put wheels on the bottom…”
“No! No wheels, we don’t want him pushed around like a wheelie chair now, do we? "Is that really that big of a concern?" The last thing is let’s affix this steak knife of his to his hand, rather than having it dangle on with sticky tape.”
“Why do people call it sticky tape anyway? Isn’t almost all tape sticky? Unsticky tape is the exception…”
“Ok, enough about ROB and tape terminology, let’s move on to this owl. It appears to be primarily made up of scraps, so maybe we could find a way to unify it into a working unit and seal it all on tight. We don’t want it falling apart while it’s just flying around.”
“What about this bucket of ants it’s using? Could we supe it up in any way?”
“Make it bigger, I guess?”
“Ok guys, I think we have our plans. "Really? That's all we're doing? The drive here took hours and we were just here minutes..." Let’s get the mechanics in here and let’s make some champions!”
The men leave the room, and the mechanics come in. Both robots get reinforced chassis first, but when the men whip out the welding torches, the sparks obscure the view of the camera and it cuts out.
The film then turns to static…
Snapper 007
This film starts with a much happier mood as it follows Alex the Janitor
on his date with Sarah the White Mage. There is quite a bit of fluff in
there, awkward flirting and adorable moments that make both of the two
lovebirds blush, but this is Fite Yer’ Mates, not Love Yer’ Mates, so
we’ll just fast-forward through all that…
The fast-forwarding stops and Alex and Sarah have just walked out of a shop, and Sarah is spinning around in a circle with shopping bags in her hands. Despite the shopping bags being almost empty except for some tiny trinkets, she’s still overjoyed to be here with Alex and no creature on the planet could stop her from indulging in clichés she had seen in romantic movies. Alex scratches the back of his head, slightly embarrassed by her spinning around in circles in the rather packed shopping center, but he can’t help but smile at how much fun he was having with her.
Alex begins to walk towards the white mage, who is now dizzy from spinning too much. She nearly tumbles to the ground, but he manages to catch her just in time. She looks up at him, and they both smile. He picks her up, she dusts her robe off, and then Alex begins to nervously fiddle with the note he still had with him in his pocket.
“Um… Sarah? I’ve had a wonderful time today, but I’ve had something I wanted to give to you. I… I… Well, I’ll just let you read it for yourself…”
Alex finally manages to produce the note from his pocket and presents it to the White Mage.
Suddenly, a red wave of energy flies towards the couple and hits Sarah square on the chest. Blood erupts from the wound, drenching the note in arterial blood. The note means little to Alex, he's ran through its words so often in his head he couldn't possibly forget them, but the gravely wounded mage before him meant a whole hell of a lot to him. Alex once again grabs Sarah before she can fall, but this time there is a much more somber tone. Alex’s eyes begin to tear as he holds the white mage in his arms.
He reaches into his pocket and pulls out the Hi Potion she had given him. He pours the drink into the white mage’s mouth, and she sputters as she begins to regain a tiny bit of life.
“Sarah! Are you ok? Can you heal yourself?”
Sarah tries feebly to cast a healing spell. Tiny sparks shoot out, but nothing else happens. Sarah, who has not restored her MP for a while, has failed to realize that she was all out.
Alex lifts her up into his arms and begins to carry her pietà style, running to the closest hospital or hospital equivalent. On his way out of the building though, he sees the glowing red figure of Widow Maker. Her red sword is once again attached to her arm, and she’s using it to terrorize the shopping center. Red beams are fired left and right by her evil glowing blade. Alex’s glimpse of her was only brief, but now he knew who was responsible. He’d avenge Sarah in the big brawl. He thought he could trust the mantis as an ally in the battle, but now he knew he must take her down, if not for Sarah’s injury, but for the evil blade she now possessed.
As Alex left the shopping center holding the bleeding and barely living body of Sarah, The demonic Widow Maker bursts out into the street, staring after the two running down the street. She laughs, but from behind her, she hears a voice call out,
“HEY! WHO ON EARTH ARE YOU!?!?!”
The glowing red insect turns around and sees… Widow Maker? The two Widow Maker’s lock eyes briefly, “Well?” says the less demonic of the two. The glowing red Widow Maker shape-shifts into an eagle and flies away. The lance-wielding Widow Maker shrugs, looks at the damage to the shopping center, and reasons that she probably shouldn’t be near where the doppelganger apparently had been going on a rampage. Widow Maker had no idea what had just taken place between the shapeshifter, Alex, and Sarah inside that building.
The camera follows Widow Maker briefly as she scurries away from the wrecked building. Then it switches its lens to the eagle, who could still be barely seen high up in the sky. Its form begins to shift again, this time into a green form with many tentacles and a massive glowing eye…
Snapper 009
The film starts in a dark room, but this time it is a literal darkroom.
In the room are two people, or rather, one person and a cactus. Saguaro
is at a table looking through a long strip of film. On the table in
front of him are the other Snappers, some have their backs open and
others are facing down on the table. Elizabeth is holding another one of
the Snappers, trying to pry the back open delicately. When she finally
manages to open it, she places it on the table with the others.
Saguaro continues to look through the film of the cameras for a long time while Elizabeth seals back up the Snappers Saguaro has already looked through. They show no visible signs of entry once she is done with them.
“Anything interesting?” says Elizabeth, breaking the long silence.
“Quite a few things. There appear to be some alliances being made, I got a tiny hint about the mystery fighter, some of the fighters are training or getting upgrades. Probably the most interesting have to be Widow Maker getting a cursed blade and a shapeshifter attacking the janitor’s date.”
“A shapeshifter? Do you have any idea who it is, Saggy?” asks Elizabeth.
“God! I told you not to call me that! That nickname just isn’t going to work! It sounds disgusting.”
“Sorry, Saguaro…”
“It’s alright I guess. Well, the shapeshifter. At the end of the film, it shifts its shape into a green, tentacle figure and flies away.”
“It sounds a bit like that Shuma thing you told me about. He is some sort of god right?”
“Yeah, a Metal God. The thing is, I have no idea why Shuma would want to hurt the two, or why it would pose as Widow Maker. I have a feeling that the Widow Maker ruse was a distraction…”
“Saguaro! Did you just hear yourself?!”
“Of course I did, why would I have… Oh God, no, it can’t be. That was just a coincidence. It can’t be him. I’m not even sure he can shapeshift!”
“No one really knows what he can or can’t do though…”
“It can’t be, he can’t be back. There are only supposed to be 18 fighters anyway, he can’t be joining the battle! Then again, I thought I saw something weird at the end of the third Snapper’s film…”
“What are you going to do?”
“I don’t know… I’ll think of something, I always do. Well, when it really counts I always do. Well, when it really counts and I’m not drunk. I think we should just return these Snappers to where we found them, we don’t want them to find out we’ve watched these films. If only we could have found that last Snapper…”
“There’s still quite a bit of time before the fight, we could maybe try to find it.”
“Woman, I already somehow manage to handle film without damaging it with my cactus arms, I don’t think I’d be able to track down this last camera in the bit of time I have left. Besides, I have other business to attend to before the fight.
“What, Saggy? I mean... Saguaro?”
“I can’t say too much, but I have some alliances of my own to cultivate.”
“Ok then, well you go play with your boys and make sure you don’t get hurt. I’ll be in the stands cheering for you.”
“No! It’s too risky for you to be there, stay at home and watch it on the tube. Gentleman Draco is back and he may be attending the fight. I have the feeling he’s still a bit bitter about losing you.”
Elizabeth is slightly taken aback by the plant’s words. He hasn’t shown much affection for her in the brief time they’ve known each other, and this was the closest he ever really got to being protective. Then again, he still talked about her like a bet; an object. She was used to being objectified by men, but not actually treated like an object.
She sighs, slightly moved but slightly saddened by his small sign of caring. She scoops up the Snappers off the table and puts them into a bag, then goes out to put them back where they had found them. She’s enjoyed her brief time with the cactus more than with the dragon, but she still longs to be treated as an equal by a man, even if that man happens to be less than human.
The last Snapper’s film turns to static…
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