Fite 5- Robot Rumble (Owltomaton vs. ROB)

“Hello there, and welcome to what might be the most depressing Fite Yer’ Mates yet. Despite having reconciled their differences outside the ring, ROB and Owltomaton must still face each other in combat. But this is the preliminary match to the brawl and I guess the show must go on, get ready to Fite Yer’ Mates!”

 Owltomaton and ROB both enter the ring slowly; clearly neither is ready for the fight. If the ROB could feel anything right now, it would be the same nervousness that coursed through the owl’s AI. Spectators scream two opposite cheers: One side calls for robotic blood to be spilled, the other for the two to call off the fight. Even Gezora seems uneasy with the whole situation, nervously chewing on some of the rowdier audience members.

The bird approaches ROB, a look of sadness in its massive eye-lights. ROB gives the owl a slight nod, and they turn to the crowd, robotic arm holding robotic wing, and declare that there shall be no fighting tonight!

Half the crowd cheers, half the crowd boos and hurls glass bottles at the two machines. Gezora struggles to keep the unruly crowd at bay, but then suddenly, the door to the bar bursts open. Three shadowy figures in business suits approach the two pacifist robots and demand the fight continues. ROB recognizes the three men as executives from the Sintendo Corporation, the very same corporation who told ROB that he must participate in this barfight to demonstrate its capabilities to the market. Sintendo refuses to allow this exhibition of their hardware end without good PR. Owltomaton desperately attempts to argue their case, but Sintendo will have none of it. There will be a fight tonight, whether the combatants are willing or not!

Owltomaton turns to ROB, who now appears completely ready to fight. The owl knows its robotic buddy cannot resist the stranglehold of the company who made him, but that does not mean this birdbot will be willing to take a dive just for the sake of satisfying a major video game company’s quotas. The crowd, now silent, watches in anticipation of what will happen. Will the fight go on? Gezora is just about to signal for the fight to commence, when Owltomaton hoots in protest. The mechanical bird turns to the executives and begs one last time, but they won’t budge.

Well, at least until Owltomaton whispered something to them. The three men turn to each other, discussing whatever proposal the robot’s audio file delivered to them. The men all nod in agreement, and one briefly leaves the bar. He comes back with a white box, and announces,

“There has been a slight change of plans. Rather than demonstrating the amazing fighting capabilities of Sintendo’s Robotic Operating Buddy, we will, instead, have a demonstration of the innovative new gaming console, Flii Yu!”

The businessman pulls out the two iPad looking controllers for the system while another hooks up the system to a ceiling-mounted television screen. Both ROB and Owltomaton are handed a controller, and another executive pops in the game.

The title screen of “Zoofights: The Game” shows on the screen, and using the controllers much welcomed dual-analog sticks, Owltomaton manages to navigate the menus with ease! It picks the “Fite Yer’ Mates” mode, wherein the game asks you to draw the two fighters for the battle.

Using the innovative touchscreen controller, Owltomaton and ROB both are able to draw exact representations of themselves for use in battle in the virtual world!

Ok, so maybe we oversold the graphical capabilities, and maybe two robots, one without the creative drive of a proper AI, aren’t great artists, but still, you can tell that’s some sort of owl against some sort of robot! Or a pile of bricks, but we really couldn’t expect much from ROB due to its inability to bend its arms properly.

An in-game version of Gezora signals for the fight to finally begin!

Owltomaton comes out flying and goes straight for its foe’s face. ROB swings its arms upwards to try and catch the bird, but the owl flies upwards and out of range of its opponent. ROB, though, through the wonders of video games, is able to double jump up to its foe and smack the bird down to the ground. Owltomaton’s health bar is barely nicked though, and it quickly counters with a wing slap to ROB’s face, causing its trademark shades to shatter! Zoofights: The Game has the amazing ability to display its characters actually taking damage!

ROB’s health bar is barely affected by the weak strike of the metal hooter. ROB rushes towards its opponent and grabs it! The real Owltomaton mashes buttons, but grabs are inescapable in this game, and ROB slams the virtual owl into the ground in the way only a Stack-Up expert could. Owltomaton’s health bar took a hefty blow from that attack and is now barely below half. The actual owl starts to press a strange chain of buttons on its controller, and suddenly the in-game owl is performing an electrically charged divebomb straight towards ROB!

ROB attempts to guard, but this attack is unfortunately unblockable. In fact, it breaks right through ROB’s left arm and hits the robot square in the chest. ROB’s character tumbles to the ground, a massive chunk now missing from both its arm and its life bar. The blocky robot stands itself back up, already on its last legs. If ROB could feel anything, it would be enraged by the overpowered move that it had just been hit by. The owl wastes no time though and flies towards ROB for a finishing move!

DENIED! ROB grabs its opponent and slams it down on the ground. ROB hops up on to the injured owl and begins to bring its weight down on its opponent repeatedly. Owltomaton can’t escape! The real robot owl’s beak emits a wav file, something about how cheap that move is. The real ROB just continues its assault, apparently having no sense of in-game honor. Owltomaton’s health keeps slowly diminishing, getting closer and closer to turning into an entirely blood-red bar.

But wait! Owltomaton has finally managed to roll out from under the robot’s crushing base. It flies up towards ROB’s head once again, but ROB is still stuck finishing the last move it inputted on the amazing Flii Yu controller (one free with every console!). ROB is unable to block Owltomaton’s finishing move…

Were it not so obviously an infringement on another video game series, the word FATALITY might have flashed across the screen as virtual ROB was decapitated by the owl’s powerful pulling power.

ROB and Owltomaton both set down their controllers and turn to each other, happy to have found a peaceful resolution to the conflict. The Sintendo executives turn to the crowd:

“Thank you for coming and watching this amazing demonstration of the Flii Yu’s awesome video game might! The system shall be in stores soon, and in addition to Zoofights: The Game, don’t miss out on other great titles like Marauder Kart, Legend of Helldog, and WarriorWare: Smooth Steel! All Flii Yu exclusives! And remember, if someone has to Flii, it might as well be Yu!”

“Please fill out this brief survey on the quality of our new slogan on the way out.”

ROB and Owltomaton go up to the bar and begin to chat in the way two machines do, the owl’s tiny wing wrapped around the should of its Robotic Operating Buddy. The Sintendo company is so grateful for the exhibition that they not only agree to sponsor the two robotic competitors in the big brawl, but they will also leave a Flii Yu system in the bar for the enjoyment of its patrons.

It looks like Gezora has already found a Flii game that suits its interests!