Fite 57- A Lotta Personality Disorders (Wheatley vs. Lotta and WALL!!)

"All the beauty lays in the personality"
-Zac Efron, the wisest philosopher and theologian of the 21st century

When Zac Efron waxed philosophical on the nature of beauty and personality, never did he think of the competitors who fite in the arena today. One is a personality core named Wheatley, a little robot who doesn't realize that he is dense in more ways than one. The other is Lotta, a collection of butterflies that make speed freaks look calm and collected.

Of course, neither competitor could really hurt each other if they didn't bring weapons. The butterflies have carried in a billhook, whereas Wheatley decided to bring a fucking massive turret called the Animal King. This battle seems to be HEAVILY lopsided, but these two fiters and their questionable mental states will make an otherwise cut and dry battle a fite for the ages!

Tonight's Fite:

Lotta is fluttering about excitedly, the billhook constantly switching between the feet of the many butterflies. "Ooooo we cannot wait to start! Are you ready Wheatley? Pleeeease say yes!"

Wheatley was nestled inside the crown atop the Animal King. He looked down at the butterflies, "I believe I am ready! I mean, I won't be doing quite that much from my perch, but the Animal King needs some time to start. I am currently hacking into his mainframe and trying to activate his central processing unit..."

Wheatley was doing nothing of the sort, he was just wiggling around in the crown to try and rouse the Animal King from sleep mode. Lotta begins to get impatient and charges right up towards Wheatley. Wheatley screams, which finally alerts the Animal King to the presence of targets in the vicinity. A red beam of light comes out of its eye and searches around, eventually seeing the cloud of lavender butterflies flying up to Wheatley.

"Hey Wheatley, we were wondering if you need any help up here getting your big cool turret working!" Before Wheatley could respond to the little insects though, the laser sight locked on the butterflies and the turret's guns began to fire. Bullets tear through a large amount of the insects, causing the remaining ones to fly up and around the top of the turret, just out of the reach of the turret's guns.

"Animal King! I command you as your king to aim higher! Well, I am not quite a king, but I am in charge around here! Don't you see my magnificent crown... that I'm sitting in. Yes, it is mine, you just thought it was yours because it was on your head! I am the King of the Animal King! I am step above kinghood. I am some sort of GigaKing, or TerraKing. No, TerraKing sounds like the King of Earth, but I am your King, Animal King! So get working!" The Animal King does not care to listen to Wheatley's jabbering, instead it continues to move its red beam around, seeking the lavender bugs.

Lotta had been dwindled down to a force of about 20 butterflies, and the group now struggled to hold the billhook. Eventually, the weight was too great and the weapon fell down from their grasp right towards Wheatley. "Sorry! That was an accident!" they screamed as the billhook slams down and dents Wheatley. The billhook bounces off of the sphere and down to the ground, causing Lotta to dash down quickly to try and reclaim it. The Animal King catches sight of them once more now that they are lower, and it begins to aim.

The sparse amount of butterflies was too hard for the turret to reliably lock onto though. Every time it was about to lock onto one, another butterfly would fly by and throw off the beam. The butterflies begin to slowly lift the billhook off the arena's floor, and the turret finally found a reliable target. Another barrage of bullets went towards Lotta, but this time aimed at the billhook. Many ricocheted off the metal, while other stray ones took out a few more butterflies.

Lotta reached the eye of the Animal King, struggling to grip the billhook as bullets pounded into the cutting tool. Pulling back and waving forward their weapon even as some of their numbers were demolished beside them, the remaining butterflies let out a huge "Heave ho!" and slammed the billhook into the Animal King's eye.

The large eye's explosion took out a few more butterflies, and now it seemed they did not have enough strength to lift the billhook. It cluttered down to the ground below.

The Animal King ceased firing, unable to find a target properly now. "You dumb animal! Can't you fire without your eyes? Do you have any instincts, like 'fire when I'm probably going to die'? Or 'suddenly learn to walk and trample those butterflies'? Gah! What do I do now..."

Lotta piped up, "You could try hacking him again? We can wait! We want this to be as fun as possible!"

Wheatley spoke again, "Oh yes, thank you Lotta! But I did not really hack it earlier... What to do, what to do? I need some sort of plan, something to get me out of this bind... HEY!!" Wheatley screamed as the impatient Lotta began to bang its entire kaleidoscope of butterflies against the Animal King's side. The King rumbled and was still trying to search for the butterflies, but the rocking was making it uneasy.

"I thought you were going to wait! Wait! I've got it! I have a big blue eye which can see things, and the turret needs one of those! Not specifically blue, I'm sure he would settle for green or yellow... Puce maybe. Color doesn't really matter for vision anyways." Wheatley rolled towards the crown again, propelled only by the rocking turret and his own limited ability to move some parts. A bit of luck sends Wheatley and the crown toppling down below right into the empty cavity that once held a big red eye.

"Woooah! Did you do that on purpose? That is amazing!!" Lotta said, still slamming against the turret since it was so much goshdarn fun!

"Of course it was on purpose! I never do anything not on purpose. Now then, Animal King, attack!" The Animal King grunted from the continued butterfly assault, but the robot seemed to be unaware Wheatley was even inside its eyehole. "Wake up you stupid brute! Do you want to be turned into a decorative fur rug and walked on by butterflies in muddy galoshes? Open fire! Shoot your guns!"

The Animal King seems to acknowledge Wheatley this time, its weapons popping out and getting ready to shoot wildly at a foe it could not see. Lotta thought this was interesting of course, but the guns popping out shifted the center of gravity just enough for the cloud of insects to finally push the giant turret over. "Timber! He he he!" shrieked the butterflies happily as the Animal King hit the ground with a loud thump. Wheatley bounced out of the eyehole and rolled across the arena.

"Dropped again, the universe just seems to love seeing poor old Wheatley hit the ground! Now I am unarmed. Okay, I was not 'armed' per se, but I am weaponless, although the Animal King probably was more of an assistant than a weapon. Depends on who you ask. All subjective really..."

Lotta listened to Wheatley talk with interest. They found him pretty funny! But they remembered why they were there too. Fluttering by the personality core, they began to try and lift their billhook off the ground despite their earlier issues with it. They found with their collective strength they could hover about 2 meters in the air while the billhook dangled in their legs.

Wheatley was hoping to somehow roll himself over to the toppled Animal King. Guns work even when they are on their side after all. However, the Animal King's internal systems detected it had fallen over, and with a loud bass groan of "Goodnight" the Animal King went into sleep mode. Wheatley had a few choice words for the now useless turret, but he saw the butterflies slowly bringing the weapon over to him. He had no way of attacking while in this position.

"Looks like this is the end for me... NOT!"

Wheatley let out an odd beep, and suddenly the loud sound of trundling metal legs was heard getting nearer and nearer. Wheatley's battle carriage, meant to be used in his upcoming battle with WALL!!, came slamming through the wall.

"Ha ha! I know you might see this as cheating. But some of the greats cheated! Ben Johnson, Mark McGwire, the 1919 Black Sox... even George Washington probably copied his classmates' notes on chopping down cherry trees!"

The spider-legged machine seemed to have some trouble reaching Wheatley though. Legs tried walking over each other and the machine stumbled about like a drunkard walking up an escalator. Soon the machine slammed into one of the arena's walls.

A spray of sparks and the sound of popping machinery drowned out Wheatley's distressful shouts at his machine. Lotta hovered in place, laughing at the ridiculous movements of the machine. She seemed to have no problem with the personality core calling in a new machine to fite with.

Someone else did though.

"HEY YOU! MR. GIANT TALKING TIC TAC! THAT'S A DIRTY TRICK TO PULL ON A HOT BABE! FIRE SWORD BAAAAAARRRRRFFFF!!!"

It's WALL!! He jumped the gun and decided to join this battle instead of waiting for his own match! Spitting his sword Dwrynwyn at Wheatley, WALL!! screams for satisfaction!

"I WANT SATISFACTION! BOTH BATTLE KIND AND THE SEXY KIND, hey Lotta when we're done here wanna pick up some bagels or tacos?"

"That sounds fun WALL!!!", Lotta replies, "I love your name, you always have to scream it! WALLL!!!! WAAAAAAALLLL!!!! WAAAAAAAAALLLLLL!!!!"

Looks like the personalities just got a whole lot more disordered around here! Yes, that pun does work! Shut up and wait for the next part!

"Well shiiiiit, that was a fire sword? I can't be using a fire sword!", a calendar pops up next to wall, "It is clearly 'Wind' season on the elemental calendar!" WALL!! begins to blow air at Wheatley, but since he has no special air-blowing powers, it does nothing, especially since they are nowhere near each other.

Let's do a little catching up, shall we? Dwrynwyn, WALL!!'s sword, has a peculiar property that makes anyone but Rhydderch Hael, its original owner, refuse to use it as soon as they find out about its powers. Also, its only supposed to start on fire if used by a wealthy or well-born warrior, so make of that what you will. However he was able to say "Flaming Sword Barf" without noticing the odd properties of the sword until afterwards is something else I must also leave to your imagination in order to maintain my own sanity.

ANYWAY, Dwrynwyn did sail through the air majestically, but when it hit Wheatley, it bounced off without doing much. The metal of the personality core saved it both from the flames and the sword that wasn't that sharp anyway to be honest.

Wheatley's battle machine still rammed itself against the wall repeatedly as it struggled with its shoddy design, but it was not slamming against the WALL!!, just a wall. Lotta meanwhile was still holding the billhook, hovering at a point between the WALL!! and the Wheatley laughing her collective butterfly ass off at the machine's performance.

All caught up? Then let's continue this fite!

As WALL!! struggled to blow Wheatley around despite being many feet away, Wheatley was letting out the strange beep he used to summon the machine once more. The machine eventually stopped injuring itself and dived towards Wheatley, scooping up Wheatley like one of the Brothers Atlantic eating a penguin during some odd whale-specific drinking game. Wheatley positioned himself properly and hooked himself into the controls. A large shock hit him as soon as this happened.

"AAAAHHH actually that felt kinda good. Let's try that again. AAAAAAAHHHHH That's good electricity! One more time, just one more time and I'll go back to fiting." A loud pop rang out as Wheatley let the machine shock him once more. "Okay, enough of that! Really, I think I felt something break! But what... Oh god, oh god I can't smell anything! Wait, I could never smell anything. Hmm, maybe if I run a Damage Assessment program... Oh no, I think I broke my Damage Assessment parts!"

Who knows what actually broke in there because Wheatley did not have any "Damage Assessment parts". After getting over his brief electrical high and brief hysteria, Wheatley turned the battle carriage towards WALL!!

"Curses!" WALL!! cursed, "Machines are resistant to wind magic! I'll have to switch up tactics!"

WALL!! disappeared. The face on the wall could teleport to any wall and reappear, and he used this to teleport in front of Wheatley's machine and taunt him.

"HEY BUDDY! BET YOU COULDN'T HIT THE SIDE OF A WALL WITH A BIG METAL MACHINE IF YOU WILLED IT TO MOVE FORWARD!!!"

WALL!!'s jeers made Wheatley send his machine forward, ramming it into the spot where WALL!!'s face had appeared.

But the face in the wall had teleported away and further to the right, avoiding the hit completely.

"NICE HIT! DO YOU SPANK YOUR MOMMA WITH THAT MACHINE?"

"That makes no sense you shifty piece of drywall! Get him, you malfunctioning twit!" Wheatley urged his machine forward and into the wall once more, but still he could not hit the WALL!! Lotta giggled as the butterflies watched Wheatley's machine slam over and over into walls to try and hit the teleporting face. Limbs of the machine fell off and parts of it smoked and exploded. Lotta dropped the billhook for now and flew into the machine, the butterflies getting to work on tearing apart wires and gears.

Suddenly, the potato gun on the undercarriage began to fire. "Oh yes, how could I forget! The 'Spudinator'! No no no, 'The Potatorturer!' Yes, that is a good name for a potato cannon!" Wheatley laughed maniacally as the potato gun fired sporadically around the arena. He had no idea he wasn't controlling it though, it was just a malfunction of Lotta's manic tinkering.

Tubers littered the arena floor, and WALL!! was looking nervous. He knew he wouldn't be hit by the sad excuse for a war machine, but those potatoes were a major risk...

Another wire was torn by Lotta, but this time it served to help Wheatley. The potato gun was now under the control of the blue-eyed bot, and now he was aiming it directly at his foe's face. WALL!! did his best to dodge, but the face could not teleport away fast enough to avoid the spud shooter's rapid fire.

Potato after potato slammed into his face. Wheatley laughed harder and harder, unable to choke out a good insult do to the severity of the laughter. Soon though, the spud cannon ceased fire, its ammo depleted. Wheatley calmed down, "What now WALL!! You thought you were tough, but I know your weakness! It's like Paper-Rock-Scissors, but Potato-WALL!!-... something weak and stupid! Because that is the only kind of thing you could defeat WALL!!"

WALL!! looked up at Wheatley, his face clearly exhausted. He wanted to continue fiting, but his face was beginning to disappear... WALL!!, now hardly visible at all, looked up towards the heavens and screamed, "MOMMA! I'M COMING HOME TO YA MOMMA!"

And with that, WALL!! passed away, his face never again to pop out of nowhere to say silly stuff...

"That's not so fun..." said Lotta, the flock coming out of the machine when they heard Wheatley taunting WALL!! "Who is going to get tacos with us now?"

Meanwhile, somewhere far away...

"IT WAS TERRIBLE! First, he was all tough picking on these pretty little butterflies, and then he starts hitting me with POTATOES, MY ONLY WEAKNESS BESIDES ALL THE OTHERS!"

"Oh deary, you can't let the bullies get to you!"

"I KNOW MA, but he was going to HURT THEM! I tried my best, but he was just such a BIG FAT CHEATER!"

"Now now honey, no name callin'! Just drink some tea and tell your mommy all about. It's gonna be ok, child."

WALL!! was apparently not dead at all. Just...

Drinking tea and complaining to his mother.

Back in the arena, Wheatley's machine sputtered and spurted as it tried to turn around. Lotta was floating there, not as cheery as usual, but the manic energy still present. However, it was time for the group of bugs to learn to use that energy productively!

Wheatley began to lift the machine's spider-like legs to try and squash the remaining bugs. The machine groaned and complained as it struggled to comply. "You are worse than that so-called Animal King! Squishing is easy! It is a bit like clapping, but instead of using hands, you use feet and the floor!" The foot still struggled since Wheatley's insults really did nothing to this machine, it had no individual personality like the turret did. Lotta easily weaved around the leg, enjoying Wheatley's taunts a bit but remembering quickly what Wheatley did to WALL!!

Diving in, the kaleidoscope of butterflies lifts the personality core out of its perch atop the machine, lifting it high into the air. The machine's groaning got louder and louder, and then suddenly....

If Lotta had only been a tiny bit slower, or had not even chose to try and separate the two robots, Wheatley would have died just now and lost to her. Instead, Lotta continued flying higher and higher.

"Put me down!" Wheatley screamed, but then he looked down. "No! See what you've done? Separated from its owner, my machine was to depressed to live and it killed itself! That has to be it, yes. Of course it took its own life. It was so well put together and blueprinted. I guess charming charisma can have its downsides."

"No Wheatley! We had to take you away! You were being naughty, hurting our friend like that! You have to play nice or else we will put you in the naughty corner!" Lotta had reached the arena's roof as well as its corner. Dropping Wheatley from this massive height would surely put a dent in him.

"Oh no. No no no no no! You are not going to do what I think you are going to do, are you? You better not drop me! This is supposed to be fun, right?" Wheatley's pleading caught the attention of the butterflies.

"Yeah..."

"Well, if you drop me, that is not fun. Not fun at all! You know what is fun?"

"Oh! Yes! Yes we do!"

Lotta began to swing Wheatley around really fast.

"WOAAAAAHHHH NOOOOOO THIS IS NOT WHAT I MEAAAAAAAANTTTT!!"

Wheatley was still a bit weighty, so when Lotta twirled him around quickly, she could not maintain her grip. The sphere flew far across the arena, slamming against the ground and breaking off plating from the core's back and bottom.

"MOTHER OF ALL DROPS!!! I cannot believe it! I'm going to need to install a parachute at this rate..."

Wheatley had quite a bit of momentum from that swing, so he began to bounce around the arena, the walls serving as bumpers and the potatoes on the floor guiding his rolling.

Lotta giggled and flew down to try and join in the fun. The insects tried to catch the rolling ball, but a game of Tag with a high-speed robot is not the safest activity.

Without even knowing he was doing it, Wheatley rolled right towards Lotta. The butterflies were ready to push the core around like a Katamari, but the last bit of momentum the sphere had maintained was too much for the remaining bugs to block. The orb rolled over all of them.

Wheatley's rolling slowed to a halt, his body covered in the blood of the lavender butterflies.

"Where are those nasty butterflies! I swear when I find them I am going to drop them! Well, I would have to remove their wings so that they would actually hit the ground instead of just flying away, and that might take a while. Maybe I could drop something ON them, but that lacks the appropriate "revenge" feeling that dropping them would entail..."

Wheatley continued ranting to himself for quite a while, his back sparking and smoking. He had no idea he had just defeated both of his opponents, if you could call it that. He was more or less present for their defeats though, and that is what counts in Fite Yer' Mates!

Fite 56- Despot of the Mantodea (Constantine XI vs. Widow Maker)

Ladies and gentlemen, put your hands together for today's long awaited fite! In the arena, man shall fite mantis to the death!

Tonight's Fite:

The two fiters are already in the arena, eager to begin the fite. Widow Maker's time as a Zoofighter has given her knowledge to the art of biffing, but Constantine has fought alongside his troops in battle. Both definitely know how to fite, but never have they fought a fite like this!

Constantine makes the first move. He charges directly at the giant mantis, who quickly flies up and backwards to avoid the mace swing. She tries a quick thrust forward with her spear before getting out of range, but the emperor's shield easily deflects it. Widow Maker hovers in the air above Constantine, but this is what the emperor wanted. Forsaking his defense, he throws his shield directly at Widow Maker's face. Widow Maker's shield and spear both reflexively go up to defend the bug's big eyes, giving Constantine the opening he needed to leap up and slam his mace against Widow Maker's abdomen.

Widow Maker is too overwhelmed by the situation to maintain flight, causing her to fall out of the air and on top of the Emperor below. The massive mantis's weight pushes Constantine's own mace against his armor, but besides a large dent he is unharmed. Widow Maker quickly stumbles off the emperor, her abdomen cracked open from the mace's blow. She tries to take to the sky once more, but Constantine is quick to stand up and grab one of her wings. He unleashes another mace swing, this one aimed at the wing, but Widow Maker whips her own shield around to defend against the blow.

Constantine refuses to release his grip on the wing as he tries again and again to pummel the mantis. Widow Maker's shield blocks every blow as her mind races to formulate a plan. After being deflected, the Emperor's shield had landed onto the arena floor, just begging to be retrieved later in battle for some sort of comeback. Widow Maker, being a genre savvy bug, knew she would have to eliminate it before it became a threat. She began to rush towards the discarded shield.

Constantine was dragged along, his iron grip on the bug's wing now hurting him more than it did the bug. Luckily for him, being dragged gave him the weight he needed to tear a huge piece of the insect's wing off. Tumbling away from Widow Maker, Constantine discarded the chunk of mantis wing and quickly pulled himself to his feet just in time to see Widow Maker reach his shield. Before the emperor could even start wondering what her plan was, the bug's legs began crushing the shield. The osmium shield began to dent and distort, but the shield's tough metal held strong. As Constantine rushed towards the mantis to retrieve his shield, the mantis hefted it up with her mouth and chucked it as hard as she could.

The tough metal of the shield now hurt the emperor's cause. The osmium easily tore into the arena's walls, sticking it high above either competitors' reach. That's quite a throw from someone using their mouth!

Even after the shield was tossed, Constantine's charge never faltered. He reached the giant insect and was trying once more to brain the bug with his mace. Widow Maker was quick to defend once more, but this time she also lashed out with her own weapon. The spear went straight for Constantine's head, but a last second reaction saved the emperor from having his face skewered. Instead, the shield pushed the emperor's helmet right off.

Constantine stops his assault briefly as he tries to think of the best way to retrieve his lost armor with being vulnerable. What he didn't realize is that stopping his assault left him the most vulnerable.

Widow Maker's spear slams into his chest, easily passing through the armor. Both fiters look at each other, equally surprised by how easily Widow Maker had landed such a pivotal blow. The insect snaps out of her surprise and lifts up her shield to try and push the emperor off of her weapon. Bleeding out the opponent isn't the best way to win, but it is effective.

Constantine, still living somehow despite such a grievous injury, hefts his mace up and tries to deliver what he thinks might be his last blow. He tries to hit the mantid on the head, but her face is out of his reach. Instead, his weapon comes slamming down on both of Widow Maker's arms, snapping them off like they were twigs.

Widow Maker looks down, then back up, then back down. Her two forelegs were devastated. The spear arm still sat in the man's chest, and her shield arm now lay on the ground. The mantis was, needless to say, not prepared for this. Constantine drops his mace, his blood loss making him too weary to hold the heavy weapon. The two competitors look at each other, both dripping more blood than a Mortal Kombat battle in a butcher shop. The woozy Widow Maker reaches down with her mouth, hoping her strong shield throw from earlier was an indication that she could wield the dropped mace effectively. Constantine is not stupid enough to let her lift it though, and uses up quite a bit of his remaining strength to lift the mace and hurl it towards the wall.

Although his mace could not break concrete like his shield, it did not need to. It landed on top of the shield in a move that would have shocked an arena of basketball fans had this been that sport. The mace was now implausibly balanced just out of reach of both competitors, neither of which had the energy to try and retrieve it.

Widow Maker, who was still bending over during the three-point mace toss, lifted her own shield in her jaws instead, her detached arm still dangling from it. She lifted it up to face level, hoping it could provide at least a little use in this fite.

The emperor balled his fists, fighting through his injuries so he may continue fiting.

The wounded warriors looked at each other. Who shall win this now desperate fite?

I wish I could say what I am witnessing is less pitiful. On one hand, it is the desperate last stand of two amazing fiters, but on the other hand it is two severely crippled combatants fiting at their weakest. Either way, both fiters are struggling to stay alive. The spear in Constantine's chest seems to have spared the vitals but opened a floodgate of blood, whereas the armless Widow Maker drips blood from her limbs and abdomen.

Constantine is still swinging at least. Well, his fists swing at really slow speeds, the emperor unable to put the proper force behind them in his injured state. Widow Maker is stumbling about, unable to kick with her remaining four legs because of her wounds. Instead, her mouth desperately clings to the shield that deflects Constantine's slow blows.

After a bit of slow fiting, both competitors back up and collapse to the ground. Both desperately try to regain composure. The Byzantine Emperor focuses his mind, entering an almost meditative state. Widow Maker is also seeking inner focus, hoping to Elohim that she can find her second wind.

Unfortunately, this regaining of wits takes quite a bit. Audience members, once enthralled by the match, now yawned and pulled out portable CD Players, MPMan music devices, Game Boys, and even one idiotic fellow tries to play a Virtual Boy. After awhile people start to leave their seats, but then they hear Constantine yell and stand back up. His injuries now seemed meaningless to the focused emperor. Approaching the still concentrating mantis, the emperor begins to punch the bug directly in its humongous eyes.

This obviously causes Widow Maker to stop focusing and start fiting. The bug tried to leap back, but the suddenness of it all causes her to stumble over her own body. Constantine continues attacking her, but the stumbling bug begins using her mouth shield once more to block attacks. Audience members sit back in their seats and put away their electronics to watch this not-so-pathetic-anymore fite!

Widow Maker may have stumbled into a vulnerable position on the ground, but it did have its advantages. Now that she didn't need to stand on them, she was able to kick forward with all four remaining legs. Constantine is launched across the arena, hitting the wall. The shield up above him shakes, causing the mace that balanced precariously on it to fall down and smack him on the head. Constantine's hair, already drenched with sweat and trace amounts of bug juice, now was stiffened by blood as his scalp was cracked open.

The emperor might have been disoriented by this earlier, but his focus allowed him to ignore the pain and lift his weapon once more. Mace in hand, the bloody Byzantine barreled towards the battered bug.

Widow Maker, after her impressive kick, had stood up and begun to consider the situation. The emperor was in a berserk rage that ignored pain, she was the underdog in this situation. Good. She was the unarmed competitor. Even better. Standing up, she could hardly fite at all, and her death was charging right towards her. Perfect.

The bug knew this situation. She had seen it many times. Whenever someone was in this situation, the underdog always won. Pulling her head back as best she could, she put all her faith in Elohim and TVTropes and hurled the shield towards her opponent, relying on that not-so-old adage: Throwing Your Shield Always Works.

The shield sailed towards Constantine's neck.

But he deflects it thoughtlessly with his mace.

Widow Maker's forelegs twitched as they tried to instinctively faceclaw at how badly that failed. The emperor reached Widow Maker and brought his mace down on her head.

Widow Maker closed her eyes and expected death, but the mace blow was surprisingly weak. The mace bounced off her head and hit the floor, and a gush of blood drenched Widow Maker's eyes and face.

Widow Maker hadn't counted on a few other popular tropes: The Pinball Projectile and Allusion. Widow Maker's shield had missed the Byzantine's neck, but as it sailed through the air, it bounced off the osmium shield still lodged in the wall. Ricocheting away, it had to bounce once more to reach Constantine. Luckily, that idiot in the audience still was playing his Virtual Boy, and the shield bounced off of it, breaking the "portable" game system and sending the shield back towards Constantine's neck. From there, the Allusion took over, and Sphrantzes's account of Constantine XI Palaiologos's death dictated that he must be beheaded. The shield's edges made sure that came to be.

Constantine's head fell to the ground, but this is where the allusion to George Sphrantzes's account ends, because who is seriously going to take that head and tout it around Asia these days? Instead, the angels came once more to turn Constantine back into the Marble Emperor.

Widow Maker was dumbfounded by her victory, but it was a victory well earned. The genre savvy mantis has won the match!

Fite 55- Chaos and Cuttlefish (Gezora vs. Erebus)

The air is tense in the arena tonight as a duel of honor is about to begin. On one side, a bartender is protecting the reputation of its drinks. On the other, a patron who questioned the quality of his beverage. Some might say a battle to the death over this is a little too much, I say it's a perfect setup for a fite!

Tonight's Fite:

In the arena, the fiters are preparing for the fite. Erebus tests the flames of his Heavy Flamer, creating an arc of intense heat and fire above his head. Gezora, meanwhile, has begun secreting a waxy substance as it stretches its tentacles. Perhaps it is the flame retardant oils it had been working on prior to this fite?

Either way, the combatants cease their prepping and start their attacks!

Erebus is quick to try and ignite the arena's air with flames, but Gezora's long and flexible tentacles reach him before he can. The Heavy Flamer sputters tiny plumes as Gezora's barrage disorients Erebus. Slapping suction cups aren't very effective against space marine armor, but the shear quantity of them enveloping Erebus's form makes it impossible for his body to engage in a counterattack.

Once Gezora's body has caught up with his own tentacles, the cephalopod sprays a plume of ink into Erebus's face. The sepia colored fluid irritates the marines eyes and disables his sense of smell, further incapacitating the already struggling marine.

Of course, this is the point where a comeback must be mounted, and Erebus's left arm knew it. Seizing three tentacles in the metallic grip of his free hand, Erebus pulls the giant bartender down onto his own head. Cuttlebone hits skull, causing both competitors to be disoriented. The tentacle tickling assault is brought to an end, allowing Erebus to back up and wipe most of the dark brown ink off his face. However, his vision is still highly impaired, so he relies on his other enhanced senses to determine where his foe is.

Gezora's dizzy spell ends, and it once more attempts its tickle assault maneuver to keep Erebus's body busy until it could disarm the flamethrower. However, before the mollusc's long arms could reach Erebus, the Chaos Marine's weapon roars to life, shooting a humongous plume of fire towards Gezora. Gezora quickly turns around to avoid a head-on blow, allowing its massive back to bear the brunt of the blaze. Luckily, it seems most of those secretions from earlier were on its back, protecting it from instantly being cooked by the inferno.

Gezora scuttles away from the fire, and now that the weapon was roaring, Erebus could no longer hear his opponent's movement. The marine began sweeping the arena floor with his weapon like a Vietnam soldier clearing the brush, but the bartender was not hit. Gezora was keeping its distance, waiting for the moment when it could close the gap and continue combat. Unfortunately, the intense heat of the weapon allowed it to set fire to even the arena's concrete floor, and soon Gezora was left with no other option: it would have to brave the blaze.

When Erebus's back was turned, a massive burning cephalopod leaped through the fire and seized the marine in a crushing hug. The Heavy Flamer's flame died as Erebus struggled to escape, but Gezora was busy trying to escape too. Rolling out of the inferno, the kaiju quickly patted out much of the fire on its body with its less busy tentacles. After getting a safe distance away from the fire, Gezora put the squeeze on Erebus.

The armor held strong at first, but Gezora's chilly aura, now that it wasn't so close to ridiculously high temperatures, was beginning to work its magic. The intensely resilient armor could not stand the direct application of such low temperatures, and soon it began to crack and groan as the cuttlefish's tentacles pressed down harder and harder. Erebus's body beneath the armor began to blister as more armor flaked off.

Gezora's free tentacles began fiddling with Erebus's right arm, trying to remove the Heavy Flamer. Erebus, still mostly blind, had been waiting for such an opportunity. Fighting the frostbite that had spread almost universally throughout his body, Erebus applied just enough pressure to activate his weapon once more.

Flames erupted all over Gezora as the fire easily spread up its tentacles and all over the kaiju's front side. It appears its front wasn't quite as well protected as its backside. The bartender began spraying ink all over in its frantic attempts to put the flames out. Erebus took a moment to assess the condition of his armor. It would suffice, but if he continued to be careless with his flamethrower, he might just set himself aflame.

After cleansing its body of flames with its secretions, tentacles pats, and good ol' fashioned rolling around like a madmollusc, the bartender quickly catapulted itself up and towards Erebus. Erebus punched forward with his left hand, sending the cuttlefish back and down on the floor once more. The large thud alerted Erebus to the impact point, and he quickly rushed up and crawled on top of Gezora.

His boots began to freeze as he scaled the kaiju, but he persisted as best he could. Soon though, he was frozen to Gezora's flesh. Before the bartender could retaliate with his tentacles, Erebus readied his flamethrower and aimed directly at the cuttlefish's face.

Instead of reaching up and grabbing its opponent, Gezora chose to instead roll over, crushing Erebus and preventing the ignition of more flame warfare. Erebus appeared to be dazed from the blow, so Gezora quickly positioned itself above the Chaos Marine. A wave of cold air flowed towards Erebus, snapping him out of his daze. He looked up, his eyes finally clear of the cephalopod's ink, and saw the infamous maw of the ever-hungry bartender. The kaiju lowered its mouth, ready to devour the patron who questioned its bartending ability. Erebus struggled against the encroaching cold, lifting his Heavy Flamer as best he could, hoping to kill Gezora before it killed him.

The cuttlefish's mouth screamed towards Erebus, but it suddenly found itself clogged. By a flamethrower.

No matter how much Gezora had tried to make its outsides nonflammable, its insides where still susceptible to the fire. The kaiju falls over, defeated. Its body comes crashing down on Erebus, who groans and crawls out from under the corpse.

He may be a bit groggy from all that cold, but Erebus is the winner!

Fite 54- The Devil's Hands are Brilliant Playthings (Brilliant Kid vs. Devil Ed)

WELCOME BACK EVERYONE! FITE YER' MATES SHALL COMMENCE ONCE MORE!

Tonight's Fite:

Brilliant Kid and Devil Ed, it's time to fite, fite, fite!

Brilliant Kid is already in the brand new Fite Yer' Mates arena, which is just the old Fite Yer' Mates arena with a concrete floor instead of a dirt one. Needless to say, the Kid finds this fantastic and is busy lauding it to no one in particular when Devil Ed walks in. Prior to entering the arena, Major Failure slipped him an odd porcelain sphere on a chain for use as a flail. Ed accepted it of course, but the hornets buzzing inside the sphere do give him cause for concern.

Approaching the brilliant young man, the half-angel begins to twirl his flail. The swooshing sound of spinning hornets alerts the Kid to his presence, and Brilliant Kid goes towards his hooded opponent.

"Well isn't this fellow brilliant? We agreed to a good match of hand-to-hand, and he just switches in a buzzing tetherball. It's pretty fantastic that he would think it is a good weapon, since every time I try to use toilet lids as weapons they bust apart. That weapon is asking for trouble in the hornet form. Well, let's see the swarm of fury you've got going, mate."

Devil Ed was put off a bit by this colloquy to seemingly no one, so his swinging flail slowed down, allowing Brilliant Kid an opening to grab Devil Ed and give him a noogie. Ed's hood bounced around his head, dangerously close to revealing his face, but Brilliant Kid stops, leaving Ed a bit flustered and embarrassed.

After adjusting his hood a bit, Ed takes a swing with his porcelain sphere, nailing the Kid in the chest. Brilliant Kid keels over, but luckily nothing vital was hit and no hornets escaped from the now cracked sphere. However, upon impact it was clear those bugs were ready to sting the living hell out of the next thing they saw. Kid pulled himself to his feet as Ed swung the flail above his head for some momentum. The young optimist laughed and kicked forward, hitting Ed in the shin and once more ending the orb's swinging. However, unlike last time the twirling ended, it now slammed down on Brilliant Kid's head, cracking open the sphere and letting out the swarm.

Brilliant Kid tumbled from the blow, but the hornets were quickly upon him. Ed watched with a malicious smirk on his face, but quickly that smirk turned to a gasp of terror. Once thing about these pissed off hornets: they serve no master. As Brilliant Kid tried to swat hornets off in a daze, Devil Ed began to run for his life from his own insect weaponry. Kid was soon racing away from the swarm as well, eventually passing by Devil Ed.

Devil Ed's slowness came to bite him in the butt as the swarm was upon him, but luckily his clothes protected most of his body. By pulling his hood over his face and curling up in a ball, Ed was fully protected from the hornet's stingers. Brilliant Kid was far across the arena now, with only a few hornets still bothering to pursue the quick young man. The Kid realized running was getting him nowhere besides the other side of the arena, so he decided to do a U-turn and return to the battle, hoping to fite through the stinging insects and take down Ed in his prone state.

Brilliant Kid's charge through the hornets only left him with a few stings since he was also covered pretty well by his clothing. When he reached Devil Ed, he began to stomp on the curled up half-demon. Bruised and battered, Ed decided to risk the swarm of stings to retaliate. As soon as he uncurled from the fetal position, hornets swarmed towards his face, but as they approached, many began to die of supernatural causes. A few stung him, but Ed fought through them and began to trade blows with Brilliant Kid.

Devil Ed's hits were much stronger than his opponent's, but the Kid was much better than him at dodging. Although Ed was assaulted constantly with rabbit punches and jabs, every hit he landed on the Kid was a bone breaker. Brilliant Kid was forced onto the ground, where his back was punctured by porcelain shards. However, his quick-thinking mind realized that even if the flail was broken, its tough tungsten chain would still pack a wallop. Pulling the chain from the ceramic rubble, Brilliant Kid lashed out at Ed with it, nailing the half-angel's pink glowing eye.

Ed's eye exploded, and as the devil dealt with his own energy exploding forth from his augmented eyeball, the Kid took a moment to soliloquize once more.

"Isn't this fantastic? Even with all the hornets incapacitated, the fite is still full of brilliant twists! You never know who is going to come out on top in one of these things!"

Devil Ed gets his eye under control, but his face is scorched entirely on the right side. Ed struggles to see the Kid, who has now brandished the chain like a whip. The clanking of the chain's links alerted Ed to the swings he could no longer see, so he was still able to dodge. Ed tried to punch back at the Kid, but the optimist's weapon would smack his knuckles and wrists. Devil Ed struggled to keep his hands balled into fists, but the Kid's weapon was too strong for a near blind man.

Brilliant Kid thought ending the battle soon would be brilliant, so he devised a simple plan to incapacitate Devil Ed. Once more, he kicked forward, knocking Ed's shins and bringing him to his knees. With a fantastic twirl, the Kid swung the chain as powerfully as he could towards Ed's other eye.

Right before he could make contact, the devil grabbed the chain. Fighting through the pain of broken phalanges and the fresh sting of the chain's last swing, Ed began to try and tug the chain away from the Kid. The two briefly struggled over the metal, but Ed's battered hands gave out. Brilliant Kid fell backwards from the sudden end to the tug-o-war, the chain slipping out of his hands.

Ed quickly leaped towards it and brandished it. As Kid sat back up, Devil Ed wrapped the cool tungsten around his foe's neck and tightened it as hard as he could. His metallic noose strangled Brilliant Kid, whose hands futilely fumbled to try and pry his neck free. With a last few pitiful gasps of air, Brilliant Kid passes out.

Releasing his chain garotte, Devil Ed can only laugh at the twist of fate that led to him winning the first fite of the year.

DEVIL ED IS THE WINNER! HOW BRILLIANT!

Fite 53- Feed Yer' Mates (A Fite Yer' Mates Christmas Special)

Ho ho ho, what do you know! It's time for Feed Yer' Mates! 'Tis the season to overindulge, so for this special Christmas event, our mates shall bake, cook, and create food for our consumption! Six contestants will create meals that both the audience and the judges will get to sample. So, let's meet our contestants first!

Celestia, the black mage.
Desdemona, the artist.
Father Squid, the priest.
Gentleman Draco, the dragon.
Jaxx, the Sentinel.
Zephyrus, the robot.

These entrants had already submitted a dish to wet our appetites and garner votes, but this time around, they will have to prepare new meals before our judges and the audience. So, enough mentioning the judges, how about we meet them! Mac Tonight used his connections in the food world to bring us three food mascots of the 80s.

The first and definitely most recognizable is...

The Kool-Aid Man! Mascot of the drink he is named after and containing that drink as well, this living pitcher knows flavor! He has given us his word that he shall not break through any walls during this competition, and we are better off for it.

Our next judge is a coworker of Mac Tonight's. It is....

Birdie, the Early Bird! This young bird may not be the best flyer, but her tastebuds are primed for a feast! She may come from McDonald's, but that doesn't mean she can't pick out a quality meal!

The last judge is ancient but his tastes are fresh. It is...

The Yummy Mummy! Mascot of a cereal and associate of Counts and Brutes, the Yummy Mummy has been barred from just calling everything yummy. Because of this, he'll actually consider the food before giving his judgement!

So folks, those are the judges and the contestants. It is now time for the cook-off! Celestia, Desdemona, Father Squid, Gentleman Draco, Jaxx, and Zephyrus, it is time to Feed Yer' Mates!

The ovens are preheated, the fires are stoked, so let's get cooking!

Father Squid stands at a humble wooden table with a slew of ingredients placed on it. The large priest's tentacles begin to move about, utilizing their abundance to perform multiple tasks at once. Onions are chopped, Worchestershire sauce is mixed with milk... wait a minute, is he making the creamed beef on toast he used to enter the event? It appears he is, but their also seems to be some okra and other ingredients on the table that weren't used in the first entry, so maybe there is more to the meal than meets the eye.

Celestia stands before two ovens, warming them up with her own magic fire. There appears to be two different types of baked goods in the ovens, but its hard to see what they are behind the Fire spells she is using to speed up their baking. Time is of the essence in this competition, not because it is timed, but because it is about dazzling the judges with your meal before someone else does so.

Draco is busy fiddling with a skillet and various oils. The items are a bit bigger than usual to accommodate his size, but his claws still fumble to grasp the proper utensils. He is able to chop up some onions and parsley with ease though thanks to his sharp talons. The dragon stirs oil as he whips out a bunch of ingredients: raisins, pepper, cinnamon, cloves, saffron and salt. He's got something up his scaly sleeve, but the main dish is still difficult to tell.

Zephyrus is packing food into other types of food at surprising speeds. His experience on his cooking show is showing as he speeds through his preparation step. Jalapenos are filled with cream cheese and wrapped in bacon as they are sprinkled with Cajun seasonings. Once he's done prepping the smaller dishes, he moves over to some murdered poultry, seasoning a turkey and then stuffing it with a dead duck, which in turn was stuffed with a chicken. It appears Zephyrus is making a Turducken and some Stuffed Jalapeno Firecrackers! The robot finishes prepping his meals as he prepares to move them both into the oven for some cooking.

Desdemona is working quickly too, cooking a saucepan full of pork, beef, onion, garlic, water, salt, thyme, sage, black pepper and cloves. She can't do much but cook for now, but it looks like her meal will be pretty quick to prepare when the initial cooking is done.

Jaxx, who was strangely absent when the contest started (by his own choice, mind you) walked in wearing a rain poncho and some galoshes with something walking nervously behind him. A lamb, shaved and shivering, walks into the cooking arena. It appears to be drenched in olive oil, salt, pepper, and rosemary. The lamb looks nervously around, but Jaxx shushes it and strokes its head with his hand. His free hand reaches into a pocket beneath the poncho and draws a gun. Before the lamb can react, the gun blasts a hole through the young sheep's skull.

The lamb falls dead to the ground, and Jaxx is quick to wipe the blood off the lamb's flesh. Cutting open the dead ungulate, Jaxx tosses organs and innards out onto the bloody ground as he guts the sheep and preps it for cooking.

Unfortunately, the gunshot startled many of the other competitors. Celestia, luckily, was only waiting for her goods to bake, so the surprise just made her jump. Draco dropped his utensils, but quickly picked them up and continued. Desdemona accidentally flung a few ingredients out of the pan, but it would not effect the meal too much. Father Squid dropped his food and took cover, but when he realized there was no danger, he picked the food up off the ground and cleaned it up. There was one competitor, though, who was completely screwed over when he heard the gunshot.

Zephyrus was placing the Turducken and Firecrackers into the oven when Jaxx fired his gun. The surprised caused the blue bot to not only drop the trays onto the oven's burners, but also made his hand launch a missile from one of his fingers. The blast not only broke his entire arm, but caused an explosion in the oven!

His eyes were blown out as he tried to close the lid and contain the explosion, leaving him heavily handicapped in his cooking ability. It seems even the best cook is prone to rookie mistakes like accidentally launching your finger missile.

Zephyrus fumbled about, but without his optics or his left arm, he was left with only one choice: to submit his burnt food and pray it somehow was not completely ruined by the explosion. Fishing around in the devastated oven, Zephyrus retrieved the Turducken and what remained of the Firecrackers and placed them on plates. He fumbled over to the judge's table and placed his meal there, ending his go at cooking. Immediately after placing his meals on the table, Zephyrus stumbled off to seek repairs so he could view the results.

5 contestants still worked on their meals, seasoning, baking, cooking, and cutting their way to complete meals.

Celestia has removed her meals from the ovens, they appear to be a bunch of cookies and a cake. Celestia leans in closely to the five cooked cookies and begins frosting each individual one. Draco has whipped out a group of game hens, which he killed prior to the competition, unlike certain competitors here. As Draco seasons the hens, Jaxx stuffs prepared lemons, onions, and garlic heads into a cavity of the lamb corpse and begins stitching it up. Desdemona has finished the meat mixture and is starting to place it in a pie crust. Father Squid...

Oh, it appears he is done! In addition to his Creamed Beef on Toast, he has whipped up some Fried Okra. Placing the bowl of okra in the proper place in a box, he brings his meal, a Pirate's Lunchbox, over to the judges table. After delivering the simple meal, the father quietly awaits the completion of the other meals.

4 competitors still cooked away though, all of them having larger meals than the priest.

Draco had finished his seasonings and prepared to cook his poultry. An oven had been provided to him, but Draco had his own way of heating up his birds.

Quickly cooking the hens, Draco put them down and reseasoned them, but it appeared he wasn't done yet. Draco pulls out a punch bowl and pours various juices into it. It appears he is the only one who remembered that drinks are part of a meal too.

Jaxx lifts his dead lamb and skewers it from its front to back end with a spit, which he then places above a fire and begins to roast. Jaxx sits down and spins the lamb for an even cook, basting it when appropriate.

Desdemona, meanwhile, has sealed up the pie and placed it in the oven, waiting for the final stage of her baking to be complete. She busies herself with preparing some purely visual garnishes to place on her pie to make it more visually appealing. She makes a mental note to tell the strange judges that the garnishes are not edible and are just for show.

Celestia, meanwhile, has finished her cookie frosting. The little cookies now looked like four white mages and a black mage, meant to represent her family. Of course, there was still a giant four layer cake to decorate, so whipping out a new bag of frosting, Celestia begins decorating her Christmas cake.

The contestants begin wrapping up their meals. Draco, after putting some fruit chunks, ice, and a jar of cherries into his punch, brings his complete meal of Game Hens in Honey Raisin Sauce and Christmas Punch over to the judges table. He gives a wink at the only female judge, but she appears unaffected by the gentlemanly charms of the largest cook present. Draco goes to wait beside Father Squid, mimicking the priest's posture for humor's sake.

Zephyrus reenters the cooking arena repaired and waits with the others as Celestia joins them. Her Four-Layer Christmas Cake, decorated with the five cookies so that they looked like birthday candles, now dominated the middle of the judge's table.

Jaxx still had some time left on cooking his lamb, but Desdemona had finished baking and garnishing her dish and was now excitedly rushing towards the judge's table. Sadly, her cheery haste made her ignore her surroundings. Mainly, she had ignored the mess Jaxx had made when he killed and gutted the lamb. Desdemona slipped on the blood and fell straight forward, dropping her dish into the nasty mess.

The food did not look good anymore. The garnishings fell into the blood and were lost, and the guts and blood coated her pie. Desdemona helped herself up and tried to salvage the pie, but found that she had snapped a wrist in the fall. Again, it appeared a competitor would be forced to submit damaged goods because of their inability to prepare a new meal. Desdemona cleaned up the French Canadian Tourtiere as best she could and submitted it so she could get quick treatment for her wrist.

Jaxx chuckled morbidly at her error and was quick to finish his lamb and submit it. Avoiding the mess but making no effort to clean it, he placed an entire Roasted Lamb on the table for the judge's to taste.

Well, it appears all the meals are done and ready for judging! The judges shall sample the dishes in a random order, and then our winner shall be declared! Stay tuned!

Welcome back! You probably did not go anywhere, but its still nice to see ya! Our cooking round was a lot more violent and disaster filled than anticipated, but now we have reached the most important moment! Our three judges will sample each dish and comment on its ups and downs. Then, they shall convene and decide who the winner is and who the losers are! Here we go, judges, start your tastebuds!

The first meal shall be Zephyrus's Turducken and Stuffed Jalapeno Firecrackers!

Birdie: Before anyone makes any jokes, I just want to say that me eating other birds is not cannibalism. Birds eat other birds all the time, and I'm not the same species as these, so it is not cannibalism, so your jokes aren't funny! Sorry about that... Zephyrus, this meal was well prepared until your incident, and it seems the chicken in the middle was spared the explosion's wrath. Unfortunately, I can't say the meal is good, even if the chicken in the middle was sublime. I'm so sorry, but burnt food is not good food.

Kool-Aid Man: I would have liked this food more if you hadn't served it! You should have just gutted the turkey and served us the little preserved food that remained within. THAT might have made me say this was good, but this just makes me sick, dude!

Yummy Mummy: I've tasted some pretty bad food before, and this isn't awful, its just burnt. Some flavor got through, but its bad state hurt you. I'm sorry Zephyrus, this food was unyummy. I KNOW, I KNOW, I didn't say yummy though! I said unyummy!

Ouch, sorry Zephyrus! I guess the judges aren't too kind to people who are maimed in the line of duty! At least when that duty is making a seasonal meal that defines gluttony! Let's move on though. Our next contestant's dish is Celestia's Four-Layer Christmas Cake with cookie toppings!

Birdie: Wow! Look at it! Frosting snowflakes, frosting tree, and the cookies are so cute! It tastes really good too, and it gets me in the Christmas mood! Oh Celestia, you've stolen this bird's heart with your cooking!

Kool-Aid Man: If I had teeth, my sweet tooth would be rocking out to this! This radical dish takes sweet to a whole new level, playing off both the food meaning and the emotional meaning of the word!

Yummy Mummy: It is a good meal, but have you ever heard the phrase, too sweet? It was a great meal, no doubt! But I found even my super huge sweet tolerance being overloaded. It was yum, but maybe too yum. IT IS STILL NOT THE WORD YUMMY, CALM DOWN!

Sounds like things are going well for Celestia's Christmas bakes! I know that phrase wasn't too fresh, but this next meal is! It's Gentleman Draco's Game Hens in Honey Raisin Sauce and Christmas Punch!

Birdie: My goodness! Look at the thighs on those birds! Did they train under Chun Li or something? Either way, these hens were scrumptious, and I loved that you provided something to wash it down with! That little bit of extra effort definitely made this meal shine!

Kool-Aid Man: Wow, man, this food, wow. These hens were cooked to perfection, and the punch was punched to perfection! I never would have guessed a giant dragon would be the best cook I'd ever meet!

Yummy Mummy: Yes, yes, this food is the best! Okay, maybe not the best ever, that is obviously Yummy Mummy Cereal... COME ON! ITS A PROPER NOUN! IT'S PART OF THE NAME! Okay, where was I... Yes! The meal. Good, good job and all that...

Wow, Draco sure is raking in the praise! Look like most the meals so far are a smash! Lets check out how Desdemona did with her French Canadian Tourtiere!

Birdie: Well... I'm so sorry honey, but this meal got wrecked. I hope your wrist is okay, but I was tasting parts of a sheep you aren't supposed to eat... And even without the lamb guts, the pie was wrecked hun.

Kool-Aid Man: You made a classic Christmas Eve dish, but you made a classic error: being clumsy! If I trip, I'll shatter, and when you tripped, you shattered your chances. I tasted some of what you made in there, but I will not eat anymore, even if you forced me!

Yummy Mummy: BLECH! This was not tasty! Not good! Why did you serve this? I wish you just dropped it and quit. Gosh, I'm being harsh, aren't I? I am the Yummy Mummy though, not the Yucky Mummy, so this made me cringe. SHUT UP, IT'S MY NAME TOO! SERIOUSLY GUYS, THIS YUMMY BAN IS GETTING OLD!!!

Alright, so there is the second disaster dish, and it predictably tanked. Good meals can be ruined by bad circumstance, and a good chef can deal with it, but I guess that is not the case tonight! Anyway, two contestants left. Our next meals is Father Squid's Pirate Lunchbox: Creamed Beef on Toast and Fried Okra!

Birdie:This meal was a bit too... boring for me. The creamed beef looks like something a dog barfed up, and the okra was just so-so. I didn't like it much, and I think it had no place in this contest.

Kool-Aid Man: Don't listen to the bird, she just doesn't understand! I may not look it, but I've been through some pretty heavy stuff. When you bust down walls, you don't always know what's on the other side. It is at those times I learned to appreciate meals like this one, and I acquired a taste. This was a good meal, good job you massive cephalopod dude!

Yummy Mummy: This meal... was mummy. AH, AH! I SAID MUMMY! I TRICKED YA! But if I could replace the first "m" in mummy with a letter that is sometimes a vowel, that is how I would describe it! The okra was great, the toast was decent, but I liked it!

Okay, so we only have one meal left, so let's just get it done! Jaxx's Roasted Lamb, its time for your judgment!

Birdie: That was definitely a meal, but I never really liked lamb... This lamb seems to be prepared fine and all, but I think it would have been better if you focused on a bit of the lamb rather than trying to get the whole thing to work. Plus, did you have to shoot it in front of us?

Kool-Aid Man: Lamb is one of the odder meats to serve, and your food tasted a bit odd. Maybe it's too fresh, or maybe the lamb is getting its revenge, but I didn't like the meal. Sorry dude, but you went a little to country for Kool-Aid's tastes.

Yummy Mummy: IT WAS YUMMY, YUMMY YUMMY YUMMY! WHAT NOW!?! THIS IS THE LAST ROUND, WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO ABOUT IT!!! YUMMY YUMMY LAMB, YUMMY YUMMY LAMB!!! Really though great job Jaxx. Anyway... YUMMY YUMMY YUMMY YUMM-

Okay, enough of that! Judges, please make your decisions now! Who made the best meal? Who was the top chef? Who really kicked it with their cuisine? Who is a master of the culinary arts? When will you finish and make me stop coming up with new questions? Alright, there we go! The judges have decided!

Ladies and Gentleman Draco and Gentlemen, here are the results!!!!

6th place goes to Desdemona for her sadly tainted Tourtiere!

5th place goes to the burnt bird and bacon wraps of Zephyrus!

4th place belongs to Jaxx, for his showy preparation of a Roasted Lamb!

3rd Place belongs to Father Squid, for his humble Pirate's Lunchbox.

Now... Here we are. The final two.

2nd Place...

is...

Celestia's Christmas Cake, meaning that...

Gentleman Draco's Game Hens win the contest! Congratulations Draco! Our winner gets a special banquet consisting of everything from Roast Beast down to the last can of Who Hash! Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah, Merry Kwanzaa, Happy International Human Solidarity Day, Happy Night of the Radishes, and Happy every other winter holiday! These has been Feed Yer' Mates, a Fite Yer' Mates special! See ya next year!

But wait... Something is missing...

Where is Gezora?

 Well, I guess he meant it when he said he was done for the year!

Fite 52- Chaos vs. Order: Going Full Circle (Saberwulf vs. Designate_5)

On June 22nd, Fite Yer' Mates began for the year. Saberwulf took down Designate_5 in the arena and jump started the chain of events that would bring us here. After a year of fites, a Big Bar Brawl, a costume contest and a singing contest, battles against huge foes and battles between friends and foes, we now come here again to see Saberwulf fite Designate_5. Their first battle was simple one, but as the year continued, both discovered they had far more capabilities than they once believed. Saberwulf uncovered his ability to manipulate the universe and cause disorder, whereas Designate_5 discovered his ability to restore order to the cosmos. Although order cannot exist without chaos and vice versa, we shall now see these two representatives of these forces fite in the arena for the Final Fite of the year!

Alright everybody, it's finally time. Designate_5 and Saberwulf, it is time to once again FITE YER' MATE!

Saberwulf rides into the arena on a velocipede, dressed in 1800s garb until he dismounts it and instantly poofs into his normal attire. Blue energy floated around him, a physical manifestation of his chaotic powers. Designate_5 stood in the arena, his suit clicking and whirring as its systems and various necrotech activate to channel the forces of the cosmos. The mutated merchant and the skeletal necronaut share a moment of silent glaring. Our referee Gezora gives the signal for the last fite of the year to begin.

Surprisingly, Designate is the one to charge towards his opponent. Saberwulf floats in place, and when the necronaut is near enough, the ground beneath them begins to crumble. Designate scrambles to find some dirt that wasn't falling into the seemingly endless abyss that was quickly replacing the arena's floor, but the entirety of the ground is sucked into the darkness. Before Designate_5 could fall into it though, his suit began performing a function that turned parts of the abyss into solid matter that the necronaut could walk on like stepping stones.

Saberwulf was glad to see he wouldn't win with such a simple first attack. The merchant pulled out of the air origami shurikens, which he proceeded to hurl at his opponent. The shurikens were as sharp if not sharper than their metal equivalents, but as they entered the aura of Designate's suit, it normalized the papercraft into its nonlethal normal form. The paper throwing stars bounced uselessly off of armor or burned in the blue fire around Designate's skull, and the skeleton lifted up his arm.

The Stripper Cannons used in their second battle during the Big Bar Brawl open fired on Saberwulf once more, but the mutated man now had a way to counter the beam that could demolish worlds. Grabbing the beam with his bare hands, the merchant began compressing the blast until it shifted into a red velvet cake celebrating some arbitrary white collar worker's promotion. Saberwulf samples a bit of the frosting before hurling the cake towards Designate, but the skeleton makes sure to dodge it. If it had passed through his suit's normalcy aura, it would turn back into a world-demolishing energy beam.

Saberwulf launched himself towards Designate with a piston-loaded spring he had conjured beneath his feet. Designate reaches outwards and grabs Saberwulf before the merchant could begin any sort of assault after his launch. Saberwulf struggles in the grip of his foe, but the metallic hands of the skeleton were too strong. Designate used one of his hands to grab Saberwulf's facemask, but he did not tear it off. Instead, another set of necrotech began to activate.

"Your chaotic powers are a crutch Saberwulf. Without them, you cannot hope to defeat me. I shall leech your abilities and render you a normal human being in all aspects. No longer shall you be a mutant with the power to bend space. You will simply be David, and I shall easily destroy you."

As soon as Designate ceases speaking, the technology of his suit begins to cause Saberwulf to change. All the mutations of the merchant melt away and are replaced with normal human skin. The chaotic powers disappear, and the blue energy that surrounded him vanished. Soon, Designate was holding a regular human in his hands above a black abyss. The skeleton let go, sending David tumbling down to the blackness below.

Designate_5 could not see where his opponent ended up, but he assumed the abyss would soon destroy the weakened merchant. As the necronaut awaits some indication of his foe's death, he does not notice the cloud of chiggers that floated above him. A downpour of mites began, and even though the normalcy aura made some disappear immediately, it could not deal with so many tiny beings all at once. The chiggers crawled into Designate's suit and began trying to find a way to destroy the necrotech, but one of the suit's systems immediately sends the bugs back out with puffs of compressed air. The chiggers reform into David, who seemed to still be human, but somehow had regained his powers.

"Don't you see, Designate? Chaos is forever growing, and even if order can contain all the chaos there is at the moment, the next time an atom moves, entropy is back in play. You can kill all my powers, but every second of the universe's continued functions gives me the powers I need back!" Saberwulf laughs and begins to form a shield made out of a Rössler attractor and some arm blades out of a Lorenz attractor. Using the exhibitions of chaotic flow as weaponry, Saberwulf charges towards his opponent, ready for some more traditional looking fiting.

Designate immediately switches his game plan, drawing on the power of his suit to create Cosmograms before him. The symbols unleashed waves of energy at Saberwulf, and although the merchant dodged most of them by unnaturally bending his spine, one of the cosmogram's beams shears off a bit of the chaos-wielding man. Saberwulf quickly creates an artificial replacement for the lost flesh and muscle and ran the last bit of distance he needed to be finally within arm's length of Designate_5.

The fields of chaos and order meet.

The meeting of chaos and cosmos causes the two to spin around in a circle as the forces try to sort the fite out themselves. Eventually though, the forces push too hard against each other and the two fiters are sent flying. Designate lands on one of his stepping stones, but Saberwulf is forced to create a dirigible for him to land on and recover. The space where the two had collided was now distorted and pulsing. Designate took note of this and decided to try and keep the battle a long distance one, conjuring up more cosmograms and making Russian cosmists proud.

Concentrated beams of icy order sail towards Saberwulf, but the merchant whips up a shield made out of anarchistic newspapers. The beam converts the papers into communist propaganda before it decimates them, but the shield is effective and Saberwulf is unharmed. The representative of chaos unleashes a few butterflies, who begin flapping their wings to make tornadoes. Designate's suit emits a weird supernatural steam which quickly turns the arena's air into doldrums and suffocates the butterflies in an instant. Saberwulf's outfit quickly converts into that of an old diver's suit, the classic helmet and all. Locked in with his own air supply, he does not die from the suffocating smoke that escaped from the necronaut's suit.

Saberwulf begins lumbering towards Designate, a rainbow bridge now extending from the dirigible towards the necronaut's stepping stone. The skeleton activated another odd system and fired upon his opponent, and soon the diving suit began dissolving into base metals and elements. The necrotech was eliminating alloys and converting to basic atoms, but Saberwulf's chaos field protects his actual body from these effects. Saberwulf is just a few feet from him when Designate decides to drop the whole order versus chaos business.

"We both can mess around with the universe, but lets just see which one of us can actually win in hand-to-hand combat." Designate_5 allows his field of order to dissipate, and Saberwulf is intrigued by the suggestion of a sporting brawl. The chaos field seems to disappear as well. The two stand facing each other, one standing on a rainbow bridge and the other on a stepping stone of the cosmos's energy.

Punches are exchanged. The merchant had difficulty finding a good place to hit a skeleton with full-body armor and a flaming skull, and Designate found it near impossible to find a part of Saberwulf's armor that was not reinforced enough for the blows to actually hurt. They quickly realize their plan of plain old fisticuffs was not going to work, so they both back up and activate their universal energies once more.

Designate is quick to create more massive cosmograms and blast a beam at Saberwulf. The entire left half of the merchant is blasted away, and for a moment, it looked like Saberwulf was dead. But then, the organs and muscles of the remaining half plopped out and hovered like they would have if the left side's skin was still there. Apparently, all of Saberwulf's left side except for the flesh, fat, and clothing retreated into his right half when the necronaut fired his cosmogram's beam. Now standing with a body that looked like something from a pandering horror movie, Saberwulf considered his next move. He could heal, but he did look a bit like a badass...

Designate readied more cosmograms, but Saberwulf fired beams of his own energy at them. The cosmograms turned into corporate logos and fell into the abyss below. In fact, the abyss seemed to be churning now. Out of the darkness, a humongous beam of all the energy and ammunition ever used in the Fite Yer' Mates arena shot out and slammed into Designate. Designate's tech struggled to deal with the blow, but it was only barely able to prevent the necronaut from being decimated. The beam pushed the skeleton up out of the arena and into outer space.

Gezora begins readying a telescope to see if Designate is okay, but Saberwulf quickly creates a television screen to broadcast the necronaut's position. Designate is floating about in the darkness of space, and he seems to be readying some necrotech of a rather grand scale. Around the skeletal astronaut, space began to freeze as perfect order began to spread from Designate like a virus. Saberwulf curses, hoping that he hadn't just given Designate the power or position he needed to turn the universe into a boring old place of rules and reality.

Saberwulf begins moving his arms around in the air, forming a more proper ground equivalent around his feet. As the clay of a tennis court from somewhere in the world teleports into the arena and forms beneath the merchant's boots, the air in the arena becomes thick. Iron begins to form, and soon the shape of a cannon could be seen. The entire Earth begins to get chilly as the encroaching ice of perfect order breaks into orbit. The giant cannon continues to take shape, and soon Saberwulf is holding a weapon the size of a building on his shoulder. With one of his arms he forms the ammo for the weapon, a tiny sun that immediately begins expanding upon creation. As the fledgling star begins to grow, Saberwulf tosses it up into the cannon's barrel and fires.

The sun continues to expand as it leaves the arena and continues into the atmosphere. The frosty embodiment of order's power continues to creep forward, but suddenly the star of chaos slams into it. The ice, clearly not the same ice that abides to the whole "melts when hot" variety we are accustomed to on Earth, begins to try and devour the sun. The star's flames begins to falter, but the core of the gaseous ball of energy continues to grow, and even as the ice tries to consume it, it finds that it is pressing too hard on an unstoppable force. The ice breaks, taking the chunk of space that had surrounded the sun out of existence. People would later call this the hole in the ozone layer and attribute it to global warming, but we will always know better.

The sun was now too large to be stopped. The rest of the ice broke easily as it continued towards Designate, who was exerting all his power to try and achieve perfect order. The sun approaches him, and he is forced to drop his tactic when he sees it.

All the ice disappears, and Designate stares unblinkingly at the approaching star.

Designate readies his Stripper Cannon, setting it beyond the point of safety in hopes that a self-destructive blast could shatter the star. He might lose his arms, but he might survive the blast of Saberwulf's cannon. Designate opens fire with his arm cannons.

The two points where the beam would have made contact with the star bend and twist until two holes appear. The beams of the Stripper Cannon fly uselessly through, going on to decimate some other star in some other part of the galaxy. Designate looks on in disbelief, but then he realizes something. On top of the star stood Saberwulf, who had teleported up there while no one was looking. He had bent the star to prevent its decimation, and now he exerted all of his power to push the sun the last bit of distance he needed to burn his foe.

Designate's systems struggled to find a solution, but they could not find a way to handle such a large target. The sun enveloped Designate_5. Designate screams as the star decimates his armor and body.

After Designate is destroyed entirely by the sun, Saberwulf shrinks it back down and destroys it in a small supernova. Saberwulf, though, is completely exhausted. Chaos could only sustain him so far. The merchant began falling down to Earth, the atmosphere burning his now unprotected body as it reentered orbit. He slammed back down in the arena, creating a rather large crater in the clay court.

His body was broken and burned horribly. It appeared lifeless... And then it twitched. Saberwulf's body tore open, and another version of himself stepped out of the body. He used his old body as a cocoon to protect him from reentry troubles, but even as he stepped out of it in a freshly created body, he could only stand for a few seconds. The merchant fell to the ground, intensely exhausted from the battle.

Saberwulf has won. Fite Yer' Mates has gone full circle. It has been an amazing year with amazing twists and turns. I've enjoyed having you all fite in my arena, and I'm glad I was appointed host. But now, we have reached the end. This year is almost over, and Fite Yer' Mates is wrapping up. This has been your ghostly host, Jumpropeman, and I'll see you all when the next Zoofights starts up. Enjoy the Zoofights VI Final everyone!

Gezora walks out of the Fite Yer' Mates arena, turning off the lights and locking the door to it. Placing its referee cap on a rack, Gezora walks away, its duty as referee finished.

"See you all next year..."