We have Doom Baboon, a monkey with laser eyes and a penchant for hurling poo
Crunk Wizard, a sorcerer who has mastered the art of Cool
Father Squid, a cephalopod of the cloth who has brought a minigun to do God's work
Major Failure, creator and dictator of Zoofights who has brought a 12 pound hammer and some good beer
Cliff Clavin, deliverer of mail and spinner of questionable yarns who has brought his mailbag of mysterious contents
A Stag Beetle, a bug who just doesn't give a fuck who has commandeered a beetle-bot as his vehicle
Mathias, a soldier and servant of the Chaos God of Pleasure who brought a simple combat knife
Dragoshi, a young man with a hefty helm and has brought both a monster called the Smoky Progg and possibly smuggled in some garden shears
Blue Collar Beaver, a mammal of the working-class variety who has brought a tire iron
and Burton Cummings, a Canadian musician who has brought his steel-tipped Ovation Breadwinner guitar.
Now that the long introduction is out of the way, let's jump right into the battle! Combatants, get ready to Fite Yer' Mates!
Burton runs towards the Stag Beetle, the smallest opponent and thus the one he thinks he can most easily take down. The Stag Beetle, who hadn't an idea of who to fite yet, decides to accept the musician's challenge. Father Squid begins opening fire on Major Failure, who quickly runs away to avoid being easily killed so early on. Mathias sneaks towards Crunk Wizard as the sorcerer prepares to release the spell to retaliate when the servant of Slaanesh is within range. Doom Baboon begins hurling feces at Blue Collar Beaver and Cliff, and the two run away from the nasty assault.
Dragoshi seemed to be the odd one out, but he didn't mind. He would hopefully be able to sneak up with his unusual mount and take someone out as they focused on someone else. Dragoshi sees that the priest is opening fire exclusively on the major, trying to exact revenge for allowing six years of bloodsport to take place in the Zoofights arena. The Father was not, however, watching his rather large back. Trying his best to urge the Progg slowly towards the squid-headed priest, Dragoshi accidentally sends his mount into a full-on sprint.
The sprint was anything but quiet, so Father Squid had time to turn around to greet his attacker. Minigun still spinning, he began to open fire on Dragoshi, so the young man was forced to abandon his monstrous mount and dive into the dirt. The Smoky Progg, however, was still in a stampeding mood, so it continued its charge towards Father Squid. The priest wasn't sure if it the beast could be defeated with mere bullets, but he continued to open fire with his gun anyway. His perseverance paid off as bullets tore through the more material parts of the beast, drawing its blood. Condemning the unholy beast he saw before him, Father Squid continued to unload the minigun's vast reserves of ammo until the Progg was unable to move.
Back with Burton and the Beetle we find a battle that seems pretty evenly matched. The Canadian keyboardist is swinging his guitar out towards the Stag Beetle's Kabuto Mushi machine, and the robot tries to get in close for an electric shock. Neither competitor is giving their foe any ground though, and both of their attempted blows continue to miss. Burton realizes this first with his superior homo sapien mind (no offense, little bug) and actually lets the beetle get in a shock with the Kabuto Mushi. The robot's jaws shock Burton's legs and send him to his knees, but the Canadian is now able to get in a good smack with the guitar.
The robot tumbles a bit, but it is quickly back on its treads and charging towards Burton. Burton waits for his opponent to get within range, his guitar pulled back behind him for a powerful blow. The stag beetle drives in close, and Burton brings the guitar down, causing the beetle to veer to the right to avoid it. Unfortunately for the bug, Burton's action was a feint, and after the beetle switched paths, Burton simply switched his swinging trajectory.
The reinforced Ovation Breadwinner swings down with all the fury of a former member of The Guess Who. The guitar makes a mighty mark on the robot despite its reinforced chassis, and a tiny explosion signals the destruction of the Kabuto Mushi.
What Burton didn't notice was that on his back, a certain insect, albeit a scorched and battered one, now hitched a ride and waited for its chance to strike.
Mathias is barely able to dodge a ball of lightning as the Crunk Wizard begins unleashing his spells. Mathias lacks any real way to combat the magic, so for now the man relied solely on his evasiveness for survival, waiting for a moment to strike out at the wizard. Father Squid, a lot of his ammo already depleted, wheeled around to face the Major once more. The barrel began spinning again, and with a sigh the hippo-faced dictator prepared for more running.
So far, the only death in the arena was that of an assisting creature, but the competitors have begun their assaults and its only a matter of time until one of them dies. Stay tuned for blood and corpses, sports fans!
Burton's walk to the lost guitar was a long and pathetic one, but that's what happens when you let a beetle shock your legs with a modified toy. On the rock star's back, the injured Stag Beetle slowly crawled up his opponent's shirt, hoping not to arouse suspicion. Burton stumbled a few times, but the bug made it all the way to the shoulder without being noticed. Quickly, the bug dived into Burton's ear. It was a tight fit, but it was able to get in before Burton's fingers reached up to try and pry it loose.
The stag beetle struggled about in the ear, and using its sharp mandibles, it began carving its way through the ear drum and the rest of the ear canal. It slowly worked itself towards the brain, and Burton could do nothing to stop it. Burton fell again to his knees, and in a desperate move began banging his head against the arena's ground to try and upset the bug's progress. The beetle continued like a boss through the head of his opponent, and eventually it arrived at the mind. The mandibles dug in and slashed at the gray matter, destroying the mind of poor Burton Cummings.
Burton, in his last minutes of clarity, sees Father Squid nearby. Approaching him on his knees, he begs the father for quick release from life, hoping that maybe a few minigun bullets to his head would help take the beetle down with him. The priest's minigun stopped spinning, allowing Major Failure to stop running and catch his breath. The priest looked down at the ailing musician, feeling pity on the man whose mind was being destroyed by a bug, but his morals caught up with him. He couldn't kill this innocent man, even if he was Canadian! The Father fumbled to try and produce the words to tell Burton this, but the rock star was now on the ground, writhing in pain.
Father Squid pulled up his minigun and tried to help Burton escape the mortal plane, but he could not even begin to spin the gun. Father Squid dropped the heavy weapon and lifted Burton up in his arms. Father Squid begged the rock star not to die, but the life seemed to have left Burton's eyes already. In fact, one of the guitarist's eyes seemed to be falling out...
The loud sound of metal crunching snapped Father Squid out of his stupor. Turning around, he saw a twelve-pound hammer in the remains of what was once a mighty minigun.
"There we go, took care of that annoying thing," the Major quips as he readies himself to face the father. The two animal-faced men with honorary titles eyed each other, neither making the first move. Then Major Failure offers Father Squid some booze and the father swats it away. The bottle shatters on the ground, its liquid soaking into the dirt.
"You do NOT waste my good booze!" The Major swung his hammer forward, but the Father used his arm to swat it away as well. The hammer slams into the dirt, and before the Major can lift it back up, Father Squid has body checked the dictator to the ground. The father tries to lift the now dropped hammer, but the Major breaks open a bottle of his own liquor to create a weapon and stabs it forward, cutting open the priest's alb. The priest leaps back to avoid further antagonizing with a hypocritically broken bottle, and this allows the Major to retrieve his weapon and get back on his feet.
What the two fiters did not expect was four other fiters to suddenly pile up between them. Cliff and Blue Collar Beaver leaped behind the massive squid priest and hid, knowing implicitly that the priestly cephalopod had no beef with them. This, of course, meant that Doom Baboon's next volley of seemingly endless shit slammed right into the squid's robes. Dragoshi, who hadn't expected the monkey to stop running, ends up tumbling into Doom Baboon and the two ram against the father and knock him down onto the beaver and the mailman.
Major Failure laughs at the sight, but he makes sure not to let his guard down. When Father Squid begins standing back up to apologize to the two unfortunate fiters who had known the weight of the squid's ass, the Major brings his huge hammer down on the forehead of the priest.
I hope you haven't forgotten Crunk Wizard and Mathias. The two had been locked in a battle of dodging and badly aimed magic for some time now, and only now did things seem to be shifting towards a battle where opponents actually get hit. The Stag Beetle scurries over to try and interfere in the battle as the fite between Mathias and Crunk becomes more heated.
The Stag Beetle had difficulty dodging the rapid footsteps of Mathias as the seemingly impenetrable walls of magic set up by the wizard gave way. The wall of fire scorched the sides of Mathias's armor, but the servant of Slaanesh moved aside from it and easily plowed through the wall of ice. To his surprise though, the Wizard had a wall of limbs on the other side of the ice wall, as if anticipating his foe's tactics. The limbs reached out towards Mathias, trying to pull him into their mass, but the knife made quick work of the rotting arms of former fiters. Crunk began casting another spell, and soon his normal hands shifted into sharp talons. After the spell of Belker Claws, the beast's hands were now his, and he was ready to rend some shit.
Mathias slashed through enough of the rotting limbs to kick the rest down into a nasty pile, but as soon as that wall fell, Crunk lashed out with his new claws. The razor sharp fingers tore off streaks of metal from the chestplate of Mathias, who quickly tried to retaliate with his knife. The knife was aimed straight at Crunk's face, but a sudden pain in Mathias's leg caused the aim of the knife to falter. A bit of hair and an earlobe was lopped off, and Crunk quickly retaliated with a magical blast to Mathias's chest. Mathias was floored, and when he looked up, he saw the Stag Beetle sticking its head between armor plating and biting his legs, clearly not giving a fuck about being in the crossfire of the wizard. A chill came over both fiters as Crunk unleashed an ice spell.
Mathias struggled to his feet, batting the beetle away with his hand as he did so. The gloves of Mathias managed to break a bit of the Beetle's shell, but it was not yet dead or dying. It charged forward, switching its attention to the Wizard now, who was busy freezing Mathias. Mathias fought against the ice, but his movements grew slower and slower to the point he barely moved. When Mathias was sufficiently still, Crunk readied another concussive blast, hoping to shatter the iced man. But again, someone would pay the price for ignoring the beetle. Crunk's concussive blast flies off target when the Stag Beetle climbs up into his robe and bites Crunk's thigh. The Crunk Wizard begins batting his crotch in an attempt to try and kill the bug, but to an outside observer, it just looks like he decided his own genitals were his greatest foe.
The blast flew across the arena and smashed into Father Squid's corpse. Parts of it were blown off, but it did manage to move the body enough for the beaver and mailman to scoot back out from under it. Cliff and the Beaver look around the battlefield to get an idea of their situation, and they quickly decide to root through the mailbag for something useful as the others fought amongst themselves.
Mathias struggled against the icy layer that kept his body still. Ice cracked and broke from his shaking, and eventually, he had freed himself. At this point, Crunk had straight up lifted his robes and grabbed the beetle. He began squishing the beetle in his hands, but then he noticed something about the beetle. The Stag Beetle was pretty much his insect equivalent. Crunk, with an utterance of "Right on," stuffed a joint into the beetles mouth and flicked it across the arena. The beetle got high as shit when it landed, and it meandered over to the five fiter cluster near Father Squid's corpse.
Mathias noticed Crunk's distraction with the bug and quickly made himself scarce. Crunk Wizard looked around, but no longer could see Mathias. The sorcerer readied a Vitriolic Sphere of acid above his head as he looked for his opponent, but he would never see Mathias again. Seeming to appear from nowhere, Mathias grabbed Crunk's waist with one arm and rammed his knife into the wizard's neck with the other.
Some of the heaviest hitters have already fallen due to their focusing on one another. Dragoshi and Doom Baboon focused now on taking down Major Failure himself, as Blue Collar Beaver and Cliff Clavin continued rummaging through mail in hopes of finding a valuable weapon. The Stag Beetle, however, gave less fucks than usual as it moseyed about inhaling the ganja. Its tiny insect mind began seriously considering the values of the Rastafari movement.
Cliff Clavin felt something round and hard in a letter from his mailbag. Believing he and Blue Collar Beaver's rummaging through the bag had finally paid off, he hurled the letter and what he thought was a mail bomb at the Major, Dragoshi, and Doom Baboon. The letter smacked uselessly against the monkey, and Doom Baboon picked it up curiously and opened it. Inside was a pedometer. The monkey quickly attached it to some leg fur and kept fiting.
"Well, that wasn't much of anything. I don't think we got any of the good mail in here. Darn UPS and FedEx, stealing all the dangerous package delivery from the good ol' USPS." Cliff seals the bag up and begins discussing plans with Blue Collar Beaver. The two had formed a sort of alliance, and they knew their survival depended on having as few enemies as possible. Unfortunately, Doom Baboon played by nobody's rules and Dragoshi seemed to be a loner. The Major was too big of a threat to risk even talking to, and as they watched shit literally fly in the three-way battle between a man, a monkey, and a major, they both came up with different plans in their mind.
The Stag Beetle had meandered over, and Cliff had seen it. Remembering it was a competitor, he went to try his luck at fiting a bug he thought was entirely normal besides the weed dangling from its mandibles. Cliff approached the tiny bug, already coughing from a surprisingly large cloud of fumes that surrounded the stoner beetle. He tried to squish the beetle with his boots, but the mellow beetle dodged it in a weird move that seemed both graceful and clumsy. Cliff continued trying to squish it, but more and more ganja smoke was inhaled as he tried to kill the bug, and Cliff was getting increasingly high from the second-hand marijuana smoke.
Back in the three person tussle, the creator of Zoofights slammed his hammer into the helm of Dragoshi. The young man fell to the ground, but besides a huge dent and a moment of disorientation, he was okay, thus proving the importance of some good armor. Doom Baboon took the Major's moment of shifted focus to hurl feces at the back of the dictator, but immediately the monkey paid when a bottle of alcohol sailed straight towards his face. Doom Baboon was floored by the projectile, but he quickly lapped up the booze that spilled out on his face and was invigorated. His poop reserve seemed used up, and now with the added confidence of some blood-alcohol content, the Baboon began opening fire with his laser eyes.
The Major gets a nasty gash on his arm from a blast of laser, one eye's beam harming the arm and the other eye shattering the hammer. Dragoshi immediately got to his feet and clipped at the Baboon now that it had tapped into its true power, but all Dragoshi managed to do was trim some of the baboon's unruly hair. The shade-wearing primate punched Dragoshi back to the ground and got on top of him. Laser eyes shot out at the helm, but they deflected uselessly off of the young man's head armor. That is some seriously tough armor!
The Major had lost his powerful weapon and was now left with just the few bottles of booze he hadn't broken. Blue Collar Beaver approached the Major cautiously, and the creator of Zoofights extended one of his beers outward in a gesture of goodwill. The beaver eyes the beer and dares a sip, but spits it out. Major Failure looks offended, so, of course, he immediately breaks another beer bottle and gets ready to shank a beaver with it.
The beaver swats the broken bottle away with his tail and clambers onto the Major. Using his large incisors, the blue-collar worker begins biting into the flesh of the dictator, leaving massive wounds. The Major tries to remove the beaver from his body, but the rodent scurries about on his body with ease. Dodging the Major's swipes, the Beaver continues biting into his foe's flesh, opening more and more wounds. Major Failure manages to smash a bottle of beer over Blue Collar Beaver's head, but it is too late. The Beaver had just sunk its teeth into the Major's neck, and even though the impact of the glass bottle did a number on the beaver's head, the Major's body was losing too much blood.
Anyway, Blue Collar Beaver pulls its teeth out of the Major and shuffles about, its mind scrambled by the smack of a strong bottle of booze. It decides to stand still until the effects wear off, watching Doom Baboon struggle to try and remove Dragoshi's tough helmet.
Back with the stoners, Cliff now stood above the Stag Beetle, discussing the abstract nature of postal carrying, man. The Beetle nodded, totally getting exactly what Cliff said. The Beetle chattered a bit in what a stupid person might think is bug language, but Cliff totally understands the beetle and begins agreeing with it. Suddenly though, something clicks in Cliff's head. Cliff is no pothead, and this beetle had tainted him with the influence of cannabis! What would his mother think if she found out? What would the United States Postal Service think?
Commitment to a job and your mother can apparently snap someone out of even the strongest highs, because Cliff lifts his boot and slams it down towards the Stag Beetle. The Stag Beetle sees the whole event in slow motion. The problem with getting a beetle who doesn't give a fuck high is that he'll give even less of a fuck. As the shoe came crushing down on his body, the beetle gave less than zero fucks. He gave negative fucks, and that made Cliff's attack easier than it should have been.
Doom Baboon's eye lasers fly all around the arena. Dragoshi lithely leaped about, hoping that maybe the lasers had some energy source he could exhaust. But as the lasers burned through the roof, floor, and walls, Dragoshi began to lose hope in his idea of finite laser capabilities. The monkey, even if he was drawing on an energy supply, seemed to have more energy than anyone he's ever seen before. The baboon bounced around, using all his limbs to fling himself about and close the distance between him and Dragoshi. Dragoshi's dodging could only keep him safe for so long. The young man decided to try and lure Doom Baboon over to the other two fiters in hopes that they might get killed in the crossfire.
Cliff jostled the body of Blue Collar Beaver, and BCB gave him a quick thumbs up to show he was alright. Cliff reached into his mailbag and pulled out some mailed fruitcake, feeding it to the beaver in hopes of giving him some of his strength back. BCB started feeling a bit better, and he got back up and readied himself for battle. Clutching his hardly used tire iron in his paws, he dashed towards the fray, Cliff following behind him wobbling from the drug's latent effects.
Dragoshi leaped over the charging rodent when he saw him, and Doom Baboon predictably began fiting BCB instead. The beaver lashed out with the tire iron, aiming for the glasses in hopes that those were related to the source of his laser powers. The monkey quickly reached up and grabbed the weapon though, bending it with his mighty monkey strength. The baboon began wailing on the beaver with the bent iron, but Blue Collar Beaver quickly retaliated with a tail slap to the monkey's face. He tried to use the distraction to reclaim his weapon, but the baboon jammed it into the dirt when it realized the beaver's plan. It was jammed in too hard for the beaver to pry loose, so BCB scurried off, looking for an abandoned weapon to use to fite his new primate foe.
After ditching the Old World monkey, Dragoshi had started to antagonize Cliff with his garden shears. Cliff swung his mailbag protectively in front of him, the shears cutting open holes and spilling out postcards and greeting cards on to the dirt. Still, it was a heavy bag, and when the bag did end up hitting Dragoshi... it did nothing because of that helmet! Dragoshi quickly used his foe's surprise at the ineffective face slap to snip the top of the mailbag, causing the entire bag's contents to spill out on the arena floor. Cliff, grasping just the tiny top bit, hurled it uselessly at Dragoshi.
The mailman was too high for physical combat. He tried to punch forward, but the punches had a wide and easily dodged berth. Dragoshi slammed his shears forward, and even though Cliff reached out to stop them, the drugs in his system made him too slow. The shears slammed right into the mailman's stomach, and Dragoshi began snipping organs like they were pink and red topiaries.
Dragoshi began wiping the blood and other substances off his garden shears with his shirt when he saw Blue Collar Beaver scurry by. Dragoshi wondered if he had beaten the baboon already, so he prepared to give chase.
Of course, Doom Baboon was alive and kicking, and now it had the drop on Dragoshi. The baboon's glasses glowed red as an intensely powerful beam shot out of the monkey's eyes. Dragoshi did not have time to react. He felt a strong burning sensation in his stomach and then a sudden, immense pain. Looking down at his torso, he saw a gaping hole. Smiling at him from the other side of the perfectly burnt hole was Doom Baboon, his mania exceeding that of your typical baboon of the doom variety.
This is it people. Our finalists are Blue Collar Beaver and Doom Baboon. Who will win? The working-class rodent, or the manic laser-blasting baboon?
Blue Collar Beaver considered the weapons in the arena. The minigun had been broken by the Major's hammer, which in turn had been disintegrated by the baboon's eyes. Kabuto Mushi would have been useless for him even if it worked, and the mailbag was in tatters. Mathias's knife was a possibility, it was lodged in the Crunk Wizard's throat and far away from cover though. The garden shears though... Cliff's body was close enough.
Doom Baboon watched patiently from atop Dragoshi's body. He had readied some more crap for flinging, hoping to mark the beaver with a scent he could follow if it hid again. When BCB braved the open arena and scampered away from Father Squid's corpse, poop was flung. Doom Baboon's feces splattered uselessly behind the speedy rodent, and the monkey howled in anger at the failed scent marking. He opened fire with his laser eyes once more, scorching the earth behind the beaver as it ran towards Cliff's body. The Baboon quickly put together his foe's plan when he saw where his opponent was running to, and instead of focusing on burning the beaver with beams, he fired his eye lasers at the dead body of Cliff Clavin.
The garden shears, as well as a good chunk of the postman, were destroyed. The beaver slipped and almost fell when he saw his destination explode. Of course, the beaver than just resorted to his back-up plan: Mathias's knife. Dashing towards it now, Doom Baboon just took up a burnt corpse policy, aiming his laser eyes at any fallen body to burn any weapons or helpful items they may have. It wasn't pretty, but it was effective. The semi-aquatic rodent had lost all his chances to retrieve assistance from fallen foes, and the monkey stood tall with laser vision.
BCB scampered away, feeling hopeless as laser beams barely missed his body. He could continue dodging the lasers easily enough for now, but he'd grow tired again some time soon, and he had no way of really hurting the baboon before that happened. Doom Baboon abandoned his perch and chased after BCB, catching up much more quickly than one would expect. The baboon tries to pin the beaver down for a simple laser shot to the face, but the beaver bites the monkey's paw, causing it to yelp in pain and release the beaver. The working-class mammal punched, kicked, and tail-slapped, but none of those moves would be lethal. All he really had was his teeth. He jumped up onto the monkey's back, and as the monkey tried to shake him off, he began chowing down on monkey flesh.
Doom Baboon leaped up and did a backflip, loosening the beaver's bite. BCB fell to the ground, and the baboon's shit-covered hands lurched out and pried the beaver's jaws open. One of the monkey's hands grabs the Beaver's trademark incisor and yanks it out, disarming the beaver even further.
Another tailslap frees the beaver, but it is now almost impossible for it to kill Doom Baboon. Doom Baboon's glasses were glowing a dark fuchsia, similar to the look they had during the strong blast he had used on Dragoshi. BCB did not need to be told that the monkey was brewing his best attack. The beaver had mere seconds to find a way to kill his foe before he got killed. The beaver looked around, and noticed a weapon everyone had forgotten.
The steel-tipped Ovation Breadwinner!
Lifting Burton Cumming's guitar, Blue Collar Beaver charged towards Doom Baboon. The sound of the laser being released is heard, as well the sound of a guitar being smashed. The brightness of Doom Baboon's laser obscures the view of the moment...
As the image clears up, a humongous gash is visible in the arena floor. The laser eyes of the monkey had torn a huge trench in the dirt, but had they hit the beaver?
Let's find out...
The laser eyes had missed their mark when Blue Collar Beaver just barely managed to leap over the beam and slam the guitar into the baboon's head. The reinforced instrument easily bust open the monkey's skull, spilling the manic brain and killing Doom Baboon.
Blue Collar Beaver, you have defeated the odds, you have risen above your blue collar roots, and you have seized victory!
Gezora declares Blue Collar Beaver the winner, but the referee also has a guitar out...
Blue Collar Beaver and Gezora proceeded to rock out on their guitars, celebrating the victory of the working class rodent.
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