Fite 53- Feed Yer' Mates (A Fite Yer' Mates Christmas Special)

Ho ho ho, what do you know! It's time for Feed Yer' Mates! 'Tis the season to overindulge, so for this special Christmas event, our mates shall bake, cook, and create food for our consumption! Six contestants will create meals that both the audience and the judges will get to sample. So, let's meet our contestants first!

Celestia, the black mage.
Desdemona, the artist.
Father Squid, the priest.
Gentleman Draco, the dragon.
Jaxx, the Sentinel.
Zephyrus, the robot.

These entrants had already submitted a dish to wet our appetites and garner votes, but this time around, they will have to prepare new meals before our judges and the audience. So, enough mentioning the judges, how about we meet them! Mac Tonight used his connections in the food world to bring us three food mascots of the 80s.

The first and definitely most recognizable is...

The Kool-Aid Man! Mascot of the drink he is named after and containing that drink as well, this living pitcher knows flavor! He has given us his word that he shall not break through any walls during this competition, and we are better off for it.

Our next judge is a coworker of Mac Tonight's. It is....

Birdie, the Early Bird! This young bird may not be the best flyer, but her tastebuds are primed for a feast! She may come from McDonald's, but that doesn't mean she can't pick out a quality meal!

The last judge is ancient but his tastes are fresh. It is...

The Yummy Mummy! Mascot of a cereal and associate of Counts and Brutes, the Yummy Mummy has been barred from just calling everything yummy. Because of this, he'll actually consider the food before giving his judgement!

So folks, those are the judges and the contestants. It is now time for the cook-off! Celestia, Desdemona, Father Squid, Gentleman Draco, Jaxx, and Zephyrus, it is time to Feed Yer' Mates!

The ovens are preheated, the fires are stoked, so let's get cooking!

Father Squid stands at a humble wooden table with a slew of ingredients placed on it. The large priest's tentacles begin to move about, utilizing their abundance to perform multiple tasks at once. Onions are chopped, Worchestershire sauce is mixed with milk... wait a minute, is he making the creamed beef on toast he used to enter the event? It appears he is, but their also seems to be some okra and other ingredients on the table that weren't used in the first entry, so maybe there is more to the meal than meets the eye.

Celestia stands before two ovens, warming them up with her own magic fire. There appears to be two different types of baked goods in the ovens, but its hard to see what they are behind the Fire spells she is using to speed up their baking. Time is of the essence in this competition, not because it is timed, but because it is about dazzling the judges with your meal before someone else does so.

Draco is busy fiddling with a skillet and various oils. The items are a bit bigger than usual to accommodate his size, but his claws still fumble to grasp the proper utensils. He is able to chop up some onions and parsley with ease though thanks to his sharp talons. The dragon stirs oil as he whips out a bunch of ingredients: raisins, pepper, cinnamon, cloves, saffron and salt. He's got something up his scaly sleeve, but the main dish is still difficult to tell.

Zephyrus is packing food into other types of food at surprising speeds. His experience on his cooking show is showing as he speeds through his preparation step. Jalapenos are filled with cream cheese and wrapped in bacon as they are sprinkled with Cajun seasonings. Once he's done prepping the smaller dishes, he moves over to some murdered poultry, seasoning a turkey and then stuffing it with a dead duck, which in turn was stuffed with a chicken. It appears Zephyrus is making a Turducken and some Stuffed Jalapeno Firecrackers! The robot finishes prepping his meals as he prepares to move them both into the oven for some cooking.

Desdemona is working quickly too, cooking a saucepan full of pork, beef, onion, garlic, water, salt, thyme, sage, black pepper and cloves. She can't do much but cook for now, but it looks like her meal will be pretty quick to prepare when the initial cooking is done.

Jaxx, who was strangely absent when the contest started (by his own choice, mind you) walked in wearing a rain poncho and some galoshes with something walking nervously behind him. A lamb, shaved and shivering, walks into the cooking arena. It appears to be drenched in olive oil, salt, pepper, and rosemary. The lamb looks nervously around, but Jaxx shushes it and strokes its head with his hand. His free hand reaches into a pocket beneath the poncho and draws a gun. Before the lamb can react, the gun blasts a hole through the young sheep's skull.

The lamb falls dead to the ground, and Jaxx is quick to wipe the blood off the lamb's flesh. Cutting open the dead ungulate, Jaxx tosses organs and innards out onto the bloody ground as he guts the sheep and preps it for cooking.

Unfortunately, the gunshot startled many of the other competitors. Celestia, luckily, was only waiting for her goods to bake, so the surprise just made her jump. Draco dropped his utensils, but quickly picked them up and continued. Desdemona accidentally flung a few ingredients out of the pan, but it would not effect the meal too much. Father Squid dropped his food and took cover, but when he realized there was no danger, he picked the food up off the ground and cleaned it up. There was one competitor, though, who was completely screwed over when he heard the gunshot.

Zephyrus was placing the Turducken and Firecrackers into the oven when Jaxx fired his gun. The surprised caused the blue bot to not only drop the trays onto the oven's burners, but also made his hand launch a missile from one of his fingers. The blast not only broke his entire arm, but caused an explosion in the oven!

His eyes were blown out as he tried to close the lid and contain the explosion, leaving him heavily handicapped in his cooking ability. It seems even the best cook is prone to rookie mistakes like accidentally launching your finger missile.

Zephyrus fumbled about, but without his optics or his left arm, he was left with only one choice: to submit his burnt food and pray it somehow was not completely ruined by the explosion. Fishing around in the devastated oven, Zephyrus retrieved the Turducken and what remained of the Firecrackers and placed them on plates. He fumbled over to the judge's table and placed his meal there, ending his go at cooking. Immediately after placing his meals on the table, Zephyrus stumbled off to seek repairs so he could view the results.

5 contestants still worked on their meals, seasoning, baking, cooking, and cutting their way to complete meals.

Celestia has removed her meals from the ovens, they appear to be a bunch of cookies and a cake. Celestia leans in closely to the five cooked cookies and begins frosting each individual one. Draco has whipped out a group of game hens, which he killed prior to the competition, unlike certain competitors here. As Draco seasons the hens, Jaxx stuffs prepared lemons, onions, and garlic heads into a cavity of the lamb corpse and begins stitching it up. Desdemona has finished the meat mixture and is starting to place it in a pie crust. Father Squid...

Oh, it appears he is done! In addition to his Creamed Beef on Toast, he has whipped up some Fried Okra. Placing the bowl of okra in the proper place in a box, he brings his meal, a Pirate's Lunchbox, over to the judges table. After delivering the simple meal, the father quietly awaits the completion of the other meals.

4 competitors still cooked away though, all of them having larger meals than the priest.

Draco had finished his seasonings and prepared to cook his poultry. An oven had been provided to him, but Draco had his own way of heating up his birds.

Quickly cooking the hens, Draco put them down and reseasoned them, but it appeared he wasn't done yet. Draco pulls out a punch bowl and pours various juices into it. It appears he is the only one who remembered that drinks are part of a meal too.

Jaxx lifts his dead lamb and skewers it from its front to back end with a spit, which he then places above a fire and begins to roast. Jaxx sits down and spins the lamb for an even cook, basting it when appropriate.

Desdemona, meanwhile, has sealed up the pie and placed it in the oven, waiting for the final stage of her baking to be complete. She busies herself with preparing some purely visual garnishes to place on her pie to make it more visually appealing. She makes a mental note to tell the strange judges that the garnishes are not edible and are just for show.

Celestia, meanwhile, has finished her cookie frosting. The little cookies now looked like four white mages and a black mage, meant to represent her family. Of course, there was still a giant four layer cake to decorate, so whipping out a new bag of frosting, Celestia begins decorating her Christmas cake.

The contestants begin wrapping up their meals. Draco, after putting some fruit chunks, ice, and a jar of cherries into his punch, brings his complete meal of Game Hens in Honey Raisin Sauce and Christmas Punch over to the judges table. He gives a wink at the only female judge, but she appears unaffected by the gentlemanly charms of the largest cook present. Draco goes to wait beside Father Squid, mimicking the priest's posture for humor's sake.

Zephyrus reenters the cooking arena repaired and waits with the others as Celestia joins them. Her Four-Layer Christmas Cake, decorated with the five cookies so that they looked like birthday candles, now dominated the middle of the judge's table.

Jaxx still had some time left on cooking his lamb, but Desdemona had finished baking and garnishing her dish and was now excitedly rushing towards the judge's table. Sadly, her cheery haste made her ignore her surroundings. Mainly, she had ignored the mess Jaxx had made when he killed and gutted the lamb. Desdemona slipped on the blood and fell straight forward, dropping her dish into the nasty mess.

The food did not look good anymore. The garnishings fell into the blood and were lost, and the guts and blood coated her pie. Desdemona helped herself up and tried to salvage the pie, but found that she had snapped a wrist in the fall. Again, it appeared a competitor would be forced to submit damaged goods because of their inability to prepare a new meal. Desdemona cleaned up the French Canadian Tourtiere as best she could and submitted it so she could get quick treatment for her wrist.

Jaxx chuckled morbidly at her error and was quick to finish his lamb and submit it. Avoiding the mess but making no effort to clean it, he placed an entire Roasted Lamb on the table for the judge's to taste.

Well, it appears all the meals are done and ready for judging! The judges shall sample the dishes in a random order, and then our winner shall be declared! Stay tuned!

Welcome back! You probably did not go anywhere, but its still nice to see ya! Our cooking round was a lot more violent and disaster filled than anticipated, but now we have reached the most important moment! Our three judges will sample each dish and comment on its ups and downs. Then, they shall convene and decide who the winner is and who the losers are! Here we go, judges, start your tastebuds!

The first meal shall be Zephyrus's Turducken and Stuffed Jalapeno Firecrackers!

Birdie: Before anyone makes any jokes, I just want to say that me eating other birds is not cannibalism. Birds eat other birds all the time, and I'm not the same species as these, so it is not cannibalism, so your jokes aren't funny! Sorry about that... Zephyrus, this meal was well prepared until your incident, and it seems the chicken in the middle was spared the explosion's wrath. Unfortunately, I can't say the meal is good, even if the chicken in the middle was sublime. I'm so sorry, but burnt food is not good food.

Kool-Aid Man: I would have liked this food more if you hadn't served it! You should have just gutted the turkey and served us the little preserved food that remained within. THAT might have made me say this was good, but this just makes me sick, dude!

Yummy Mummy: I've tasted some pretty bad food before, and this isn't awful, its just burnt. Some flavor got through, but its bad state hurt you. I'm sorry Zephyrus, this food was unyummy. I KNOW, I KNOW, I didn't say yummy though! I said unyummy!

Ouch, sorry Zephyrus! I guess the judges aren't too kind to people who are maimed in the line of duty! At least when that duty is making a seasonal meal that defines gluttony! Let's move on though. Our next contestant's dish is Celestia's Four-Layer Christmas Cake with cookie toppings!

Birdie: Wow! Look at it! Frosting snowflakes, frosting tree, and the cookies are so cute! It tastes really good too, and it gets me in the Christmas mood! Oh Celestia, you've stolen this bird's heart with your cooking!

Kool-Aid Man: If I had teeth, my sweet tooth would be rocking out to this! This radical dish takes sweet to a whole new level, playing off both the food meaning and the emotional meaning of the word!

Yummy Mummy: It is a good meal, but have you ever heard the phrase, too sweet? It was a great meal, no doubt! But I found even my super huge sweet tolerance being overloaded. It was yum, but maybe too yum. IT IS STILL NOT THE WORD YUMMY, CALM DOWN!

Sounds like things are going well for Celestia's Christmas bakes! I know that phrase wasn't too fresh, but this next meal is! It's Gentleman Draco's Game Hens in Honey Raisin Sauce and Christmas Punch!

Birdie: My goodness! Look at the thighs on those birds! Did they train under Chun Li or something? Either way, these hens were scrumptious, and I loved that you provided something to wash it down with! That little bit of extra effort definitely made this meal shine!

Kool-Aid Man: Wow, man, this food, wow. These hens were cooked to perfection, and the punch was punched to perfection! I never would have guessed a giant dragon would be the best cook I'd ever meet!

Yummy Mummy: Yes, yes, this food is the best! Okay, maybe not the best ever, that is obviously Yummy Mummy Cereal... COME ON! ITS A PROPER NOUN! IT'S PART OF THE NAME! Okay, where was I... Yes! The meal. Good, good job and all that...

Wow, Draco sure is raking in the praise! Look like most the meals so far are a smash! Lets check out how Desdemona did with her French Canadian Tourtiere!

Birdie: Well... I'm so sorry honey, but this meal got wrecked. I hope your wrist is okay, but I was tasting parts of a sheep you aren't supposed to eat... And even without the lamb guts, the pie was wrecked hun.

Kool-Aid Man: You made a classic Christmas Eve dish, but you made a classic error: being clumsy! If I trip, I'll shatter, and when you tripped, you shattered your chances. I tasted some of what you made in there, but I will not eat anymore, even if you forced me!

Yummy Mummy: BLECH! This was not tasty! Not good! Why did you serve this? I wish you just dropped it and quit. Gosh, I'm being harsh, aren't I? I am the Yummy Mummy though, not the Yucky Mummy, so this made me cringe. SHUT UP, IT'S MY NAME TOO! SERIOUSLY GUYS, THIS YUMMY BAN IS GETTING OLD!!!

Alright, so there is the second disaster dish, and it predictably tanked. Good meals can be ruined by bad circumstance, and a good chef can deal with it, but I guess that is not the case tonight! Anyway, two contestants left. Our next meals is Father Squid's Pirate Lunchbox: Creamed Beef on Toast and Fried Okra!

Birdie:This meal was a bit too... boring for me. The creamed beef looks like something a dog barfed up, and the okra was just so-so. I didn't like it much, and I think it had no place in this contest.

Kool-Aid Man: Don't listen to the bird, she just doesn't understand! I may not look it, but I've been through some pretty heavy stuff. When you bust down walls, you don't always know what's on the other side. It is at those times I learned to appreciate meals like this one, and I acquired a taste. This was a good meal, good job you massive cephalopod dude!

Yummy Mummy: This meal... was mummy. AH, AH! I SAID MUMMY! I TRICKED YA! But if I could replace the first "m" in mummy with a letter that is sometimes a vowel, that is how I would describe it! The okra was great, the toast was decent, but I liked it!

Okay, so we only have one meal left, so let's just get it done! Jaxx's Roasted Lamb, its time for your judgment!

Birdie: That was definitely a meal, but I never really liked lamb... This lamb seems to be prepared fine and all, but I think it would have been better if you focused on a bit of the lamb rather than trying to get the whole thing to work. Plus, did you have to shoot it in front of us?

Kool-Aid Man: Lamb is one of the odder meats to serve, and your food tasted a bit odd. Maybe it's too fresh, or maybe the lamb is getting its revenge, but I didn't like the meal. Sorry dude, but you went a little to country for Kool-Aid's tastes.

Yummy Mummy: IT WAS YUMMY, YUMMY YUMMY YUMMY! WHAT NOW!?! THIS IS THE LAST ROUND, WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO ABOUT IT!!! YUMMY YUMMY LAMB, YUMMY YUMMY LAMB!!! Really though great job Jaxx. Anyway... YUMMY YUMMY YUMMY YUMM-

Okay, enough of that! Judges, please make your decisions now! Who made the best meal? Who was the top chef? Who really kicked it with their cuisine? Who is a master of the culinary arts? When will you finish and make me stop coming up with new questions? Alright, there we go! The judges have decided!

Ladies and Gentleman Draco and Gentlemen, here are the results!!!!

6th place goes to Desdemona for her sadly tainted Tourtiere!

5th place goes to the burnt bird and bacon wraps of Zephyrus!

4th place belongs to Jaxx, for his showy preparation of a Roasted Lamb!

3rd Place belongs to Father Squid, for his humble Pirate's Lunchbox.

Now... Here we are. The final two.

2nd Place...

is...

Celestia's Christmas Cake, meaning that...

Gentleman Draco's Game Hens win the contest! Congratulations Draco! Our winner gets a special banquet consisting of everything from Roast Beast down to the last can of Who Hash! Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah, Merry Kwanzaa, Happy International Human Solidarity Day, Happy Night of the Radishes, and Happy every other winter holiday! These has been Feed Yer' Mates, a Fite Yer' Mates special! See ya next year!

But wait... Something is missing...

Where is Gezora?

 Well, I guess he meant it when he said he was done for the year!