Fite 43- Hell Hath No Fury Like These Two Bastards (Jaxx vs. Sister Alice)

Okay everyone, we can't put this fite off anymore. For the benefit of the crowd, we have constructed large protective steel walls between the stands and the arena. We've done our best to protect the audience, referee, and our host. Enchantments have been cast, shamans have been bribed, symbols and wards have been placed. Tonight, we can only hope the fite stays within the confines of the arena, or else we all might be forced to go through a living hell.

These precautions are being taken because of tonight's two fiters, their destructive powers, and their all around apathy towards everyone who is here to witness the battle. One of them is Jaxx, a Sentinel whose powers pretty much go as far as he tries to push them. He brought with him two Berettas, but we doubt he'd even need two guns to kill anyone we could put in front of him.

His opponent for the evening is a blind nun. But not just any blind nun, Jaxx shall be fiting Sister "Black" Alice, a nun whose powers are mostly a mystery but she has been known to freak everyone out. She refused weapons, which makes us fear her even more, for she must have some trick up her sleeve if she is relying on her own strength and power to fite such a powerful foe.

But let us get this over with so we can go huddle in a corner and cry sooner rather than later. People, I am afraid to present for you the fite between Jaxx and Sister Alice. Time for you two to Fite Yer' Mate!

Sister Alice is standing in the middle of the arena, her blind eyes moving about but not seeing anything. Jaxx is leaning against one of the reinforced walls of the arena, smoking the last bit of an odd smelling cigarette. Looking directly at the nun, he takes a moment to try and see if she was readying any trickery. People seemed to always want to take him down because they had something to prove, so now he was wondering why this nun challenged him.

"What otherworldly shit are you smoking, you cowardly prick? Why don't you just land the first blow already, or are you afraid of a brittle old lady?" By the way, we forgot to mention: Viewer Discretion is Advised. These two competitors are pottymouths! The nun taunts the Sentinel, causing Jaxx to smoke the rest of the drug in an instant and began a slow walk over to the old lady. Sister Alice crosses her arms as Jaxx casually approaches her.

Jaxx walks right up to the old lady, until they are almost face to face. Neither of them moves for a while, Jaxx staring down the old woman, while Sister Alice stared right through him with her unseeing eyes. Jaxx felt a great pressure on his mind, but ignored it.

Jaxx jams his hand right into Sister Alice, but does not form a wound. He is not trying to hurt the nun's body, he's aiming for her soul, trying to reach into the abstract part of her that would house her spirit. His hand pops out of the other end grasping... Nothing.

"Looking for a soul?" Sister Alice laughs, and grabs Jaxx's arm, her fingernails digging into the flesh like iron claws... because apparently they are iron claws! Jaxx tries to pull his arm out of her, but it appears trapped in its abstract tomb after it failed to grasp a nonexistent soul. The fingernails tear flesh from the Sentinel's arm, but the pain seemed less than it should have been, even for a being so accustomed to it like Jaxx. Alice, though, seemed to be bending over in pain. She was absorbing some of the pain... but why?

"You think you got it tough, you overconfident brat? You've made your own bed, but I absorb the emotions of everyone around me, and I know exactly how to get into that sad excuse of a brain you have." Sister Alice takes his arm out of her body and jams her own arm into Jaxx's chest. Unlike Jaxx though, she doesn't have the ability to pluck souls from people's chests, so she ends up making a rather large, bloody hole in the man's solar plexus. She grasps one of his celiac ganglia, causing the Sentinel to wheeze as if the wind was knocked out of him.

"I know every fucked up thing you've done, boy, and I'm not impressed." Sister Alice begins slitting nerve fibers with her razor sharp nails, but Jaxx reaches towards the nun's arm. Holding the wrinkled wrist still, Jaxx brings his other hand down in a chop, severing the flesh and muscle up to a point, where his hand hits something.

"You have metal bones too, you cocky bitch?" Jaxx, instead of breaking the iron-like bone, bends it backwards so her hand pointed towards herself. The nun quickly kicked Jaxx in the naughty bits, causing him to let go and back off. Sister Alice tugged at the irregularly bent arm, but it appeared stuck in its odd new position. It's at this point that Jaxx draws his two pistols and opened fire on the old woman.

A couple bullets go into her habit and seem to disappear, but she quickly dodges the others with a quick forward burst of speed. She ends up right in front of Jaxx, and she exploits his brief moment of surprise to knock both pistols out of his hands. Black blood oozed out from within her habit, and veins on her head visibly throbbed from the duress of absorbing both of their pain and from the stress of moving so quickly. In fact, one of the veins on her forward seemed to be leaking a bit of thick black blood...

And then is when her empathic power lost its hold. The thoughts of almost one third of New York flowed into Jaxx's mind, causing him to stumble to the ground from the sudden mental assault. Sister Alice seemed a bit calmer now that the emotions of others where shared with her opponent, but unfortunately, Jaxx is not the only one to feel the effects. Members of the audience begin to cringe as the thoughts flow into their minds. It figures we didn't prepare well enough to block all of their powers...

Sister Alice goes to Jaxx, who is lying prone on the ground. Rather than going for some easy kill though, she begins to lecture him!

"You think you are pretty hot shit, don't you Jaxx? You always go around like you own the place because you tell a bunch of stories to spook the only people who would ever even consider calling you a friend. And what do you do to back up these stories? You get floored by a midget knight with an eating disorder and get your mind raped by a sheep with a hook. You get fucked over by the fat little girl who thinks she is the cutest thing god ever shat out, but you have the gall to act like everyone is alive because you said so.

You are easier to hurt than a legless puppy in a pit of needles. Your mind is just a paradise of angsty trash and you balance it out by telling everyone you don't give a shit, but in your head you bawl worse than a burning orphan. You build yourself up as a badass because you know we know you aren't all that, and then you go ripping people's souls out to prove you ain't got a tiny dick.

You killed god? Whoop dee fucking doo. Half the people I know have killed stronger beings, beings who could kill you without even trying. You sit around telling gross out stories of conquests like a 7 year old eating worms: You just want the fucking attention. One day you'll grow up and realize you are just an overcompensating wart on this universe's hide and do us the favor of blowing your own brains out."

Jaxx appeared to be on the verge of tears. Wait... he is crying! Holy crap! Someone has done the impossible! Someone had made Stonewall Jaxx cry!

Wait, Jaxx is standing up. He wipes away the few tears that did form and looks down at the ground, his eyes obscured by darkness.

Sister Alice readies to lay on more insulting and curse-riddled sentences when Jaxx's arm juts out and rips her jaw off. Her dark blood drips from the wound like molasses as Jaxx tosses her jaw off to the side and looks back up.

"You talk too much."

The thoughts of others still flowed through both of their heads. Banal thoughts about crushes and inside jokes are counteracted by the pains of traumatized victims of horrid crimes. It seemed, though, that both of them had learned to handle the extreme burden of carrying other people's thoughts in their heads. The crowd, of course, is another story, but our two competitors stood in the arena, motionless after Jaxx removed the nun's jaw.

Jaxx walks slowly towards her and then grabs the oddly bent hand, shaping it back to normal and shaking it mockingly.

"I have to hand it to you, you old broad. You sure know how to bore me. Your long-winded speech, did you plagiarize that? I've been getting shit like that for centuries, and just because you found out a new way to fuck with my head doesn't mean your rant is going to do any more to me than they did. By the way, I didn't cry because of your meaningless words. I cried because you smell like a shit-soaked onion."

Jaxx lets go of the arm and slugs the nun right in the face. Sister Alice is launched across the arena into one of the metal walls. Jaxx is quickly beneath her, catching her before she fell and jamming both of his arms into her stomach. Jaxx bends vital bones out of shape, but the nun seems unperturbed. She kicks off her shoes and jabs them forward, her surprisingly long toenails matching the sharpness of the nails on her fingers.

The nails tear holes into Jaxx's abdominals, causing his grip on the nun's bones to weaken enough for her to kick herself out of his grasp. She fell to the ground, the habit barely covering the obviously gaping wound now present in her midriff. Jaxx's Berettas reappear in his hands, and he begins unloading clips of ammunition into the nun on the ground.

The jawless old woman trembles from all the pain, but she is not done yet. She gathers her remaining strength and leaps up onto Jaxx. Her claws dig once more into his chest, which she tears open in a gory display. Ribs are heard cracking as the nun opens up Jaxx's midsection like she was about to perform a back alley open heart surgery on him. Jaxx cringed but still seemed able to stand despite the gallons of blood they both have lost in this fite.

The sister begins tearing apart organs with her claws, but Jaxx just smirks. He reaches out and grabs the nun's legs and yanks them off. "Hope that didn't give that fucking ghost host some sort of jollies," says Jaxx as he discard the legs and watches the nun fall off him and onto the ground. He jabs his fingers into her back and lifts her up.

"It's been a wonderfully boring time, you insufferable geezer, but I think its time to stop making these audience members puke from having to see your dry ass face." Jaxx begins to pull the nun apart, and as he does so, the blind eyes of the nun somehow seem to lose the light they never really had. Members of the audience feel relief from the pain her loose empathic powers inflicted on them as black blood begins spurting from the nun's habit. Jaxx is pulling the nun in two, and even against the metallic bones, he seems to have no trouble accomplishing the act.

Jaxx tosses aside the two halves of the nun, since he's been tossing her other parts to the side and might as well keep up the trend now that he's won the fite. Jaxx is about to leave the arena to do something about that gaping hole in his chest when Gezora stops him.

Its voice sounds oddly like Sister Alice's...

"You may have been able to beat me, but we both know the truth behind your life. If you had any guts you would just rip your own soul out right now and make everyone's life better, but we both know that cowardice plagues your mind like AIDS plagues Africa. This sad excuse for a referee is more brave than you. The moment your powers fail you, you end up retreating into the false belief that you can't die in hopes that believing it will make it true. One day you will get your comeuppance, and I'll be laughing my ass of when you do."

Whatever controlled Gezora left it, as did the nun get-up he briefly had inexplicably worn. Sister Alice released the cuttlefish, her last message to her opponent being delivered.

Fite 42- Bringing a Bug to a Knife Fight (Widow Maker vs. Red Spy)

Are you ready? Because it's time for another fite!

Tonight in the arena, two longtime friends shall be fiting to see which one is stronger. Initially united in their tendency to vote on the losing Zoofighter, the two formed a bond and became close pals. Tonight, in our arena, they shall fite to the death to see which of them is stronger. Will it be the 8 foot tall mantis Widow Maker, who is able to wield a knife despite her anatomy? Or will it be the Red Spy, who has fought in so many battles that he's learned to expect anything?

Tonight we shall answer that question! Widow Maker and RedSpy, it's time to Fite Yer' Mate!

Both competitors come out swinging! Swinging their knives, of course. Widow Maker jabs and slashes towards her opponent, but the Red Spy is agile and able to dodge under the large mantis's arms. Red Spy tries to get a quick slice into Widow Maker's underbelly, but two of the mantid's legs kick the spy back out from under her. Red Spy is quickly back on his feet though and strafing around Widow Maker, whose large eyes help her keep track of her much swifter foe.

Realizing he couldn't get behind Widow Maker unseen because of her huge compound eyes, the spy enables his cloaking. The spy's watch turns him completely invisible, and Widow Maker quickly takes to the skies so she isn't stabbed in the back. Widow Maker hovers, waiting for the Spy's cloaking to falter or fade from overuse. The Spy decloaks outside of the mantis's view, and assesses the situation. His opponent is too high for him to hurt, so he'd have to hurl his knife.

So that is what he did. The Spy's knife sails through the air. A split second before the knife hits Widow Maker, she is able to see it. She begins to dodge, but that does not prevent the knife from making contact with her body. The knife, aimed at the back of the mantis's head, now tore through a wing instead, messing up the insect's ability to fly. Widow Maker managed to land herself despite the crippled wing and removes the knife from it with her free foreleg. Now wielding both her own knife and the Red Spy's knife, Widow Maker charged toward the spy, swinging the knives in a flashy display.

The spy is able to dodge in time to prevent himself from being skewered by the two knives, but one knife manages to slash a huge gash into his left arm. Grasping at the injury to suppress the bleeding, the Red Spy once more engages his cloaking. Widow Maker sweeps forward with her two long raptorial legs, but hits nothing. The Spy had already moved elsewhere.

Widow Maker begins surveying the arena in hopes of finding some clue to her balaclava-wearing foe's whereabouts, when she finds precisely just that. The Spy's bleeding arm leaves a dotted red path along the arena floor, and Widow Maker's eyes follow it to its destination...

When Widow Maker finds the end of the trail she finds herself facing Gezora. TWO Gezoras. It appears the Red Spy has disguised himself as the referee!

"Oh great, are we really going to do the whole, 'Which one is the real one' thing?" asks Widow Maker, frustrated to see a cliche in the middle of the battle.

Gezora and the other Gezora both look at each other in surprise and begin squabbling.

"I'm the real Gezora!"

"No, I'm the real Gezora!"

"I'm Gezora!"

"I'm Gezora!"

"I'm Tom Lincoln!"

"No, I'm Tom Lincoln!"

"Wait, what?" Both Gezoras look at each other in confusion after their argument veered into allusion territory. But this little back and forth gave Widow Maker the information she needed.

The genre savvy mantis noticed that Gezora was using personal pronouns, something it almost never did, but the unique circumstances warranted that both the real Gezora and its imposter would have to resort to using them. The damning evidence was the allusion to "The Island". Gezora didn't seem to be like the type to pay enough attention to a Michael Bay film's dialogue to quote it, while the Red Spy would definitely be someone who would pay attention to every detail of something. She knew which one was the imposter.

With a quick flick of whatever a praying mantis's wrist equivalent would be called, Widow Maker hurled The Big Earner knife towards the Gezora who strayed into referencing a movie from 2005. The knife dug into face of the cuttlefish referee, but something was wrong... That wasn't the Red Spy. Gezora had been around since earlier Zoofights that had taken place in the future, so the real cuttlefish ref had ample time to see The Island. Red Spy, however, had never even heard of the film!

"Gezora thought... the allusion... would make the exchange more comical..." The real Gezora fell to the ground, the knife having down quite a number on it. Red Spy turns back to normal and tries to pull his knife out of the fainted referee. While he wrestles it out of the referee's cuttlebone, Widow Maker cloaks herself. When the Spy frees his knife, he turns around, ready to resume the battle!

Of course, all he sees is an empty arena. He quickly tries to use his own cloaking watch so that they both could hide behind the veil of invisibility, but Widow Maker quickly reappears right in front of him, kicking him back with her middle legs while stabbing forward with Your Eternal Reward.

Apparently your eternal reward is a broken cloaking watch. The Spy's watch sputters as it breaks, and for some reason it leaves only the Spy's torso cloaked. His limbs appeared to float as they reflexively grabbed the huge mantis and threw her to the ground. The Big Earner came slamming down, but Widow Maker blocks the blow with her own knife. Righting herself, the two begin fencing with their daggers, despite the fact that it would probably be a lot easier on both of them if they didn't.

A woozy referee pulls itself into a sitting position so it can resume watching the fite. Gezora looks up just in time to see both competitors lash out with their free arms during their fencing bout. RedSpy manages to snap the forearm that his opponent held her knife in, but Widow Maker also manages to inflict a nasty wound on the Spy's dominant hand with her free raptorial arm. Both fiters drop their knives from their respective wounds, but they quickly recover them with their uninjured arms.

Now both competitors faced each other with their dominant arms crippled. Who can adapt better to this situation?

It seems the unexplainable knife-wielding dexterity of Widow Maker's primary hand is not carried over to her southpaw. The mantis's forearm clutched Your Eternal Reward oddly, and her performance suffered for it. The Red Spy seemed to have no issue switching his knife-wielding hand, and besides a slightly weaker lunge, he seemed unperturbed.

The female mantis struggled to keep up with her human foe, the battle turning more and more one-sided by the second. The Big Earner tore bits off of her exoskeleton effortlessly, and her return attacks never even made contact. Things were seeming hopeless for the eight foot tall mantis, but then the insect realized something and felt the sudden need to faceclaw. She's an eight foot tall mantis! A dinky knife isn't her only way to attack!

Widow Maker tackles the Red Spy, pushing down on him with four of her six legs. With the speed of a sudden realization, the mantis's southclaw firmly grips the knife and slams it down towards the spy's face. Red Spy is barely able to wiggle out of the way of a fatal facelift, but the knife manages to catch on a bit of his balaclava.

"This is interesting, we've never seen your face before... But I know better than to fall for that. Anytime someone removes a mask or uncovers a hidden face in Fite Yer' Mates, it ends badly for them." Widow Maker shakes the knife loose, but the Spy's legs begin kicking at her abdomen, surprising her. The RED team member uses the moment to grab Widow Maker's legs and pull them out from under her. Widow Maker falls, and her face slams into the Red Spy's face.

The mantis's mandibles painfully dig into the Spy's chin, but the mantis's huge exposed eyes get injured from being slammed right into the very solid face of the Red Spy. Widow Maker tries to pull back in pain, but her mandibles are tangled in the balaclava now. The two stand back up, locked in what looked like a passionate french kiss. The french spy found it rather amusing to be in such a situation, but he also found his feet dangling above the ground. The height difference meant this situation allowed Widow Maker to hoist him into the air with her mouth alone.

Widow Maker began desperately trying to stab her foe with her knife, but he wiggled about on her mandibles enough to avoid the blade. The close proximity also aided the spy, since now he could easily jab forward with the knife and make contact. Widow Maker quickly realizes she'd be a lot better off without a trained assassin dangling from her face and quickly begins to shake him off.

The Spy is thrown off of the bug's mouth, but his balaclava is now tattered. Luckily, he has a spare with him, and he quickly places it on his head without removing the torn one. But while he reaches into his still invisible suit to get the replacement balaclava, he also grabs two other things. One he fastens to his invisible torso, making whatever that object was invisible as well. The other object is a paper mask with Widow Maker's face. A small smoke cloud appears around him as the RedSpy disguises himself as Widow Maker.

What purpose could this serve? Is he trying to hide his weakspots by assuming an unconventional form? Is he trying to psyche Widow Maker out by making it look like she would be fiting herself? Whatever the reason, the two Widow Makers begin circling each other, each gripping their knives in the same manner.

One of the Widow Makers quickly lunges forward, and the other is barely able to hop over the blow. The dodging mantis darts forward, causing her (or his!) opponent to backpeddle away. The two Widow Makers briefly collide, and the flickering disguise of the Spy is momentarily disrupted, but by the time they are out of the tumble, its impossible to make out which one is which!

One of the Widow Makers again lashes out, but the opponent smacks the knife out of its hand. The knife goes flying up into the air as the armed one tries to quickly sneak behind the other's back. The unarmed one quickly retaliates by diving out of the way of an almost successful backstab. A single backstab with either of these knives would spell instant doom for the victim!

The unarmed Widow Maker quickly scurries around, trying to position itself in a good spot between where it thinks the knife will land and where its opponent currently is. The armed Widow Maker lunges forward, abandoning sneak attacks in favor of just stabbing its opponent's face. The unarmed Widow Maker starts to flee, trying to avoid the sharp blade of its opponent's dagger. Up in the air, the other knife has finished its parabolic and rather lengthy arc and is returning back to Earth thanks to the helping hand of our good friend gravity.

Unfortunately for its owner, the knife did not land quite as expected... Being forced to take the defensive, the unarmed Widow Maker was forced to go directly into the path of the falling knife!

The knife plunges into the head of the Widow Maker, but which one is it? Is it the disguised spy, or the real mantis?

"Please tell me we won't do some unnecessary cliffhanger here," quips the Widow Maker who doesn't have a knife in its head.

The Widow Maker that does have a knife in the head... begins to flicker.

It was Red Spy! The spy's death causes the costume to fade, as well as the residual effects of the broken cloaking watch. It is at this point that Widow Maker gets to see what the RedSpy had attached to his chest earlier...

It appeared to be some sort of book with a face chewing on a bomb on the cover...

Wait.

It's the Bombinomicon.

The RedSpy's death activated the book's bomb. The spy blows apart into an array of gibs, but Widow Maker was much too close to her fallen foe for her own good. The explosion hits Widow Maker as well, and her exoskeleton is torn apart by the blast. The mantis falls to the ground.

Is she...?

Widow Maker stands back up weakly. Her entire front was badly burned and parts of her sides were as well, but the mantis survived the final attack of the spy. She manages to weakly speak.

"Let's get someone to heal me... and someone to revive what's left of the Spy..."

Gezora is quick to interrupt this request though.

"Why should we? RedSpy thought he could be Gezora, so Gezora shall just be RedSpy from now on!"

"How does it feel to have someone disguised as you, Spy!"

Widow Maker looks weakly towards the referee. "I don't think he's in the state to answer you... and I'm surprised you went for this with your post-fite silliness. You must be pretty hurt about the whole 'mistaken identity' part of this fite."

"Gezora is hurt both physically and mentally from it!"

Fite 41- The Wind in the Giant Monster Willows (Zephyrus vs. Biollante)

Tonight's the night we're gonna make it happen! Today is the last of the arena fites, and it will be taking place on a serene wind farm in Texas. Let's go to our last on-site correspondent, Professor Nathan Cardinal.

"Thank you for the introduction, and welcome to the Roscoe Wind Farm! Here at the Roscoe Wind Farm, we hold the record for both the largest capacity of a wind farm and the highest amount of turbines! With 627 high powered turbines, we are able to churn out over 780 megawatts of energy daily! Wind energy is the answer to America's energy crisis! With a more ecological and-"

*BOP!*

Gezora silences the overeager professor with a quick bop on the head.

"I'm sorry, I got a bit carried away! I'm just so proud of what we've accomplished here. Another great aspect of this wind farm is that it shall serve as the arena to two amazing fiters! One is a giant kay-joo, am I saying that right? A giant plant monster named Biollante. The other competitor in tonight's bout is a robot who used to go by the name Air Man. He now goes by the moniker Zephyrus, and has quite a few upgrades! Well, this seems like it will be exciting! Due mostly to the setting, the Roscoe Wind Farm, located in beautiful-"

Ok, enough of that guy. Like he said, Zephyrus shall be fiting Biollante. Zephyrus will be bringing his Ultima Weapon to the battle, a sword powered by the souls of 6 of his fallen robot brothers. Biollante has brought an assistant, a spacecraft from the planet Mars! These two fought a while back as Air Man and the Necronomitron, let's see which one of these fiters is superior now! It's monster vs. machine here tonight folks! Zephyrus and Biollante, prepare to Fite Yer' Mate!

Zephyrus arrives on the wind farm to a flurry of flamboyant fanfare. Zephyrus definitely has a lot of support in tonight's fite! But that's not to say Biollante doesn't have support! The giant plant monster is already in the arena, and with a loud roar it sends the crowd into a frenzy.

This fite is ON!!!

Biollante's tendrils shoot out towards Zephyrus as the martian spacecraft hovers above. Zephyrus easily dodges the tendrils, slicing a few off with his sword as he runs towards the giant kaiju. Biollante roars in pain as tendrils are lopped off, and the spacecraft is quick to react. From the antenna atop the UFO a heat ray is fired. Zephyrus tries to dodge the ray, but the mechanical spaceship has a lot better aim than a massive plant monster. Zephyrus can feel his circuits melting, but he quickly aims his fan up towards the martian spacecraft and sends a blast of wind upwards.

Wind turbines around the farm spin so fast their blades snap off. The spacecraft itself struggled to hover in place, but the tornado from the robot's chest is too powerful. The spacecraft is blown away, but one of Biollante's tendrils quickly grabs it to prevent it from being blown out of the farm. Zephyrus uses the distraction of the tornado to close the distance between himself and the massive monster. Once he gets in close, Zephyrus begins to run the blade around the base of Biollante.

Another painful roar accompanies the next action of Biollante. The beast begins to lean forward onto the robot master, putting all of its weight onto the much smaller robot. Zephyrus tries to flee, but he is not quick enough. The kaiju's entire weight comes down on him, and his chassis groans under the pressure. Zephyrus does take the moment to jab his opponent with both the Ultima Weapon and his claw arm though. Zephyrus does manage to hurt his much bigger opponent, but he is still being utterly destroyed by the weight of the monster.

So once again, the robot relies on his fan. The fan starts spinning faster and faster, but it is dented from the crushing weight of the kaiju. It won't be able to generate enough wind power to lift Biollante!

"Oh my! It looks like it might already be over! That robot with the fan in its chest has been under the beast for quite a long time, and I can't see it getting the plant thing off of it! Actually, I'm curious. How does that robot's power work? Perhaps we can recycle its fan and use it to power the turbines here..."

Zephyrus realizes he will not be able to get the monster off of him, so he does the next best thing. Zephyrus begins tunneling out from underneath Biollante. Using his claw for quick digging, Zephyrus is able to swiftly get him out from under the beast's weight. Biollante tries to pull herself back up to resume fiting, but Zephyrus is able to hop up onto Biollante's head before she is all the way up. Ultima Weapon slams deep into the monster's head, but she seems unaffected! Zephyrus continues his assault on Biollante's head, but the attacks don't seem to be killing the plant.

Biollante reaches up with its tendrils, but Zephyrus has no trouble slicing those off. Soon, though, the martian spacecraft has reentered the battle! The heat ray of the UFO opens fire once more, warming the robot to critical temperatures. Unfortunately, the heat ray is not quite perfect in its trajectory, so Biollante is also hit by it. The kaiju erupts into flames and begins to desperately try to pat out the fire, but it is mostly plant, so it just ends up spreading the fire to the rest of its body.

Zephyrus leaps off of the kaiju and onto the spacecraft, slicing the antenna off to stop the ray. As Biollante struggles to put out the flames, Zephyrus begins stabbing into the martian spaceship with his blade. The spaceship tries to shake the robot master off, but Zephyrus digs his claw into the ship so he doesn't fall off. Biollante begins using its tendrils productively, lifting large chunks of dirt onto its body to put out the flames.

"No! It's digging up the ground! Careful of the wiring! Don't mess up the turbines! God help you if you mess with my turbines!"

After Biollante is caked in soil and free of flames, she aims her massive head towards the battle going on in the sky. Zephyrus had all but destroyed the spacecraft, which was now useless without its antenna. Biollante opens her mouth and vomits up a disgusting sap. The radioactive sap makes contact with the spacecraft and begins dissolving it. When Zephyrus realizes this, he begins trying to pull both Ultima Weapon and his claw from the ship. He is only able to remove one.

Zephyrus is forced to abandon the Ultima Weapon as he leaps to safety. The sap begins disintegrating the ship, and parts of Ultima Weapon melt into a metal slurry. Zephyrus is bereft of his sword, but even worse for him: He is bereft of the assistance of his brothers' souls.

Zephyrus looks at his much larger opponent. His fan was dented and now only able to conjure smaller winds. His claw could do damage, but the kaiju had a healing factor, which was already healing the burns and the slashes from his earlier assault. The head didn't appear to be its weakness, but there was something that looked like a heart in its center...

But how could he harm it?

"Well, everyone, it appears that robot is screwed. He has no weapon and his body is terribly dented. It makes me wonder how he even could take down such a- Hey! Stop that! DON'T TOUCH THE TURBINES!!!"

Zephyrus has used his claw to snip one of the wind turbine's bases! Due to his robotic strength, Zephyrus has no issue holding the felled turbine like it is a weapon. For a big opponent, you need a big weapon!

Biollante seems to smirk as shes sees Zephyrus's new weapon choice. Her vines once more shoot forward, but Zephyrus's huge weapon is able to smack them away no problem. The robot master charges towards the plant monster's heart, the wind turbine aimed forward like a javelin. From the melted Ultima Weapon, Zephyrus swore he could hear the cheering of his brothers.

Zephyrus's charge towards Biollante is accompanied by the beginnings of a rainstorm.

"That terrible machine destroyed my wind farm. I don't want to do this anymore. And now it's raining too! Rain to accompany my sorrow. So much work... LOST! I guess it also makes this fite dramatic or something. Who cares.. This will cost so much to fix..."

Our announcer may be bummed, but this battle is getting intense! Zephyrus continues shearing off vines with the turbine's sharp blades. The spacecraft, now almost completely dissolved, tries one last desperate charge, but gets batted away by the turbine. After the robot master's home-run hit, the spacecraft can take no more and shatters into a bunch of tiny pieces.

Biollante begins to ready more radioactive sap for regurgitation in hopes of stopping Zephyrus's charge, but she is not quick enough. Zephyrus has reached the kaiju's heart, and rams one of the turbine's blades into it.

Biollante roars, now feeling a pain more intense than any other. The plant loses its coloration, and Biollante begins to wilt. Zephyrus pulls the turbine out of the heart and rams another one of the blades in. Biollante roars again, the radioactive sap she had tried to ready earlier now dripping down from her jaws. Parts of the sap fall onto Zephyrus below, and the robot master is forced to let go of his weapon. The sap begins eating as his metallic body, but luckily the rain is able to wash it off before it could do any lethal damage.

Biollante's vines shoot up around the heart, the many tendrils now blocking the path to her biggest weakness.

Zephyrus could not get to the turbine now, and he briefly considers chopping another down, but he didn't need it. Biollante was weakened. All he had to do was get in a killer blow.

Zephyrus reaches into his fan, trying his best to straighten the dented blades. When he finishes, his claw plunges into the ground and pulls out wires. Accompanied by the sound of a professor fainting, Zephyrus begins cutting the wires and wiring them into his own system. Zephyrus turns to the wind farm and begins spinning his fan blades. Soon, the largest tornado he has ever created shoots out and hits the wind farm. The turbines begin spinning faster than they were built to handle, sending surges of electricity into the robot. As more and more charge flows into him, the tornado gets larger and stronger.

Wind turbines are blown off the farm, while some dangled in the air by the wires that barely held them to the earth. Zephyrus begins to turn around, aiming his tornado at Biollante.

Biollante's body begins to be pushed back by the cyclonic winds. The monster digs its vines into the ground, hoping to keep its bearings in the dirt. The entirety of the beast's energy is devoted to trying to keep itself from flying away, and the heart in the middle is now unprotected. Zephyrus begins slowly walking towards it, struggling to maintain the massive vortex that shot out of his center.

Zephyrus is able to get within arm's reach of the turbine. He reaches out slowly, grasping the turbine in his arms. He begins to twist it in the heart, trying to drive Biollante past the point of no return.

Nathan Cardinal wakes up to see his wind farm utterly destroyed. He does spare a glance towards Zephyrus and Biollante though, and sees the critical moment.

"I guess this fite is almost over... That plant monster can't protect itself... Wait, I heard a snap! I think one of the fan robot's fan blades broke! KARMA!!! THAT'S WHAT YOU GET FOR WRECKING MY FARM!!!"

A fan blade does indeed snap, causing the vortex to spin wildly out of control. Zephyrus is blown back by the force of his own winds, but he is quickly caught by one of Biollante's tendrils. The kaiju weakly looks down at its opponent, almost all of its strength sapped by the damage it has taken. But there is one thing that makes Biollante unique. Within the mind of the beast is the soul of a former Zoofighter. The Martian, who lost its battle in Zoofights, who lost its battle in Fite Yer' Mates, now had a chance to claim a victory in the arena. Even if the body is weak, the spirit is willing.

With a surge of unexplainable strength, Biollante pulls Zephyrus up to her face. Tendrils grab both arms and both legs of the robot and pull. The limbs are torn from the robot's body, but before the robot can fall back to the ground, Biollante reaches out with its jaws and bites down. The thousands of teeth in its jaw make quick work of the blue robot.

Biollante drops the limbs and spits out the scrap that used to make up the robot master. It had won. It had won fair and square...

"Well, I guess that giant plant monster wins the match. But at what cost? We've lost many good machines here tonight... MY TURBINES! I BETTER GET COMPENSATION FOR MY GODDAMN TURBINES!!!"

*BOP!*

Gezora's tentacle hits Nathan again, this time knocking the professor back into unconsciousness.

Hey, Gezora hasn't been hurt in this arena! How do you feel about this Gezora?

"Gezora will just enjoy flying this kite. Gezora can't possibly get harmed just flying a kite!"

But Gezora! Don't you know flying a kite in a rainstorm is dangerous! Lightning could strike the kite!

...

...

...

Ok, I guess it doesn't always strike kites in rainstorms...

Goodnight everybody! This has been Fite Yer' Mates's Arena Fites Week!

Fite 40- Rocking the Rock Salt (Gamera vs. WALL!!)

On the night of the fourth arena fite, we go to the Wieliczka Salt Mine in the wonderful country of Poland! Tonight's on-site correspondent is rather queer fellow. We tried to enlist some of the miners, but they are busy with work and few speak English! So, in absence of a local, we just brought some of the local salt to life! We created a Salt Golem! We'll spare the details on how, but let's go to this freshly born monstrosity for tonight's introduction.

"HELLO. I AM SALT GOLEM. TONIGHT, A GIANT MONSTER FITES A PIECE OF WALL. GIANT MONSTER IS NAMED GAMERA, GAMERA BROUGHT HUGE SUITCASE FULL OF SUITCASES TO THE FITE. PIECE OF WALL IS JUST NAMED WALL!! IT BROUGHT A PORTAL GUN TO THE FITE.

THE FITE WILL TAKE PLACE HERE. WIELICZKA SALT MINE IS UNIQUE. MINERS CARVED SALT INTO AMAZING ART AND STRUCTURES, INCLUDING A GIANT CHAPEL. FITERS WILL START IN THE CHAPEL AND INEVITABLY MOVE INTO THE MAIN MINES AS THE FITE GOES ON."

One thing you have to like about Salt Golems: they get straight to the point! Gamera and WALL!!, you two goofballs, it's time to Fite Yer' Mate!

To fit in the chapel, Gamera had to crouch, but he was rather enjoying looking at all the murals carved out of the rock salt while he waited for the fite to begin. As Gamera observed a carving of the Last Supper, he noticed something odd...

 

 "'Sup dude!" WALL!! says as he appears in place of Jesus's head. The signal for the battle to begin is given and the salty hand of Jesus raises up the WALL!!'s weapon. Apparently, WALL!! had figured out a way to get around his whole "no hands" issue! Gamera leaps back to try and dodge the portal gun, but the massive kaiju hits into a chandelier made of rock salt. As thousands of devoted man hours crashes to the ground in a hail of tasty minerals, the portal gun begins to open fire.

Thanks to the falling chandelier though, the portals fail to hit Gamera, instead hitting tiny bits of salt from the shattering light fixture. Tiny portals open up, but none of them large enough for the infinite kittens from the other side of the portal to spill through. However, tiny cat tongues do appear out of them, licking the salt around them hungrily. The Wall laughs at the tongues, but Gamera has opened up his briefcase. Hurling the sets of tinier briefcases at the WALL!!'s face, Gamera manages to destroy the priceless salt rendition of Da Vinci's work. Parts of the living wall's face fall off. Apparently, salt is not the best material to manifest on, so the WALL!! begins to disappear.

Gamera sits down on a pew and waits for the WALL!! to manifest on a new wall. Gamera picks up some of the salt and tastes it, and he finds the taste pleasant! Gamera stands up and smashes down one of the chapels walls as he exits, seeking something yummy to put the salt on.

"THIS IS HORRIBLE. BEING A SALT GOLEM, SEEING SO MUCH SALT DESTROYED IS LIKE SEEING MY FAMILY MURDERED. CAN SOMEONE STOP THEM BEFORE THEY BREAK DOWN THE WHOLE CHAPEL?"

Gamera, who was off looking for sandwich ingredients, suddenly gets a great idea! The WALL!! can't manifest if there are no walls! Gamera begins pounding the chapel to bits, ignoring the desperate cries of our on-site reporter. WALL!!, meanwhile, is resting on the side of an actual wall of the mine nearby. Bereft of the carved digits of a prominent religious figure, WALL!! is forced to try and handle the portal gun with only the salty makeup of the mine's walls. The gun rests in a small indentation, and WALL!! is flapping his jaw open and shut trying to nudge the trigger properly.

Gamera finishes bashing the chapel to salty bits, but he isn't entirely rude about it. He decides to pile it all into one giant pile so that cleanup would not be so bad later. Before he leaves though, he pulls out a kaiju-sized salt shaker and fills it up with seem to be the remains of a salty sculpture of a saint.

"IT SEEMS GAMERA CAME TO THE BATTLE HUNGRY. HUNGRY FOR MY BRETHREN! I HOPE THEY BOTH DIE HERE, THEY ARE RUINING THE MINE!"

Gamera turns around and sees the WALL!! fiddling with his gun. Gamera charges forward, but again is forced to leap backwards. The portal gun is finally triggered, and Gamera moved out of the way just in time to avoid a portal appearing on his chin. Gamera falls back into the pile of salt that was once a marvel of craftmanship and looks up at the ceiling. From a portal in the ceiling, a rain of cats pours down into the mine!

Gamera struggles to get out of the salt, but suddenly the pile has a few curious cats on it as well!

Not one for senselessly killing cats, Gamera tries to safely wiggle himself free of the pile without harming the kittens, but the cats just keep coming! Cats begin licking the salt and Gamera hungrily. Gamera begins to chuckle from their ticklish tongues as the WALL!! begins to laugh at Gamera laughing from the licking! The Salt Golem though is taking it very differently...

"THIS IS SICKENING! I WAS BROUGHT TO LIFE JUST TO WATCH MY BRETHREN CONSUMED! I CAN'T TAKE THIS! I'M ENDING THIS!"

Gezora grabs the golem and looks it directly in the eyes.

"Interfere with the match and Gezora will have a new salt lick chained up for the bar's clientele."

The Salt Golem is set down next to Gezora and watches as the kitties continue consuming the salt around Gamera. Soon, the vast amount of kitties are able to eat all the salt, leaving Gamera free from the pile but still covered in kitties. The WALL!! is trying to aim the gun at Gamera's body now though, hoping a painful kitty-spilling hole in the chest could take down the kaiju. Gamera sees this though and decides not to give his opponent time to attack. Gamera begins to shoot fireballs from his mouth, shattering huge chunks of the salt wall around the WALL!! The WALL!! is forced to flee, but the plasma fireballs destroy the portal gun, leaving the face in the wall unarmed.

Gamera scoops up some kittens and fires more plasma fireballs at the ceiling. The crumbling ceiling is unable to maintain the portal, so now the infinite kitty stream stops. The giant turtle scoops up the remaining cats that did make it through the portal and leaps further into the salt mine as a huge salt cave-in takes place.

Gezora grumbles as it pulls itself out of the cave-in, clearly miffed to once again be harmed during an arena fite. The Salt Golem also climbs out. The correspondent and referee crawl through the salt and reach the main vein of the mine, where they see a group of kittens tied to one of the mine's supporting columns. They leave the kittens alone and move on. Gezora has to crouch to continue, but then the mine gets much wider. The mine's shaft was now the size of Gamera when he is in his shell. Apparently, Gamera must have pulled into his shell and flown through the mine in pursuit of the WALL!!

Large chunks of the mine's walls were missing as they continued on. They could see a bit of blood from the giant turtle on the ground, and a chunk of bloody rock salt next to it. Apparently the WALL!! had found a way to drop a few rocks on the kaiju's head. The two could feel the ground shaking beneath them, and from deeper in the mine they heard some taunts.

"I guess there was some truth to the Tortoise and the Hare! Except this is the Tortoise and the Wall, and I'm kicking your ass!"

"You can't even kick! I wonder how Mrs. WALL!! feels knowing her husband doesn't have a-"

"Woah dude! Way to hit below the belt, the belt I can't even wear! And there is no Mrs. WALL!! Too many ladies to love to tie this wall down!"

Gezora and the Salt Golem follow the back and forth and begin wading through rushing water. Soon, they reach a massive chamber, where Gamera is waist deep in water as the WALL!! spins around on the mine's walls. Apparently, their battle had broken down a critical wall and caused water to spill into the mine, flooding it.

"OH NO! THE MINE IS FLOODING! THIS WILL NOT GO WELL WITH THE OWNERS!"

Gezora, tired of the Salt Golem, pushes him in the water and grabs a nearby pick.

"Gezora is not sticking around for the inevitable. Gezora has been hit by salt tonight, Gezora does not need the water to hurt it too!"

Gezora goes off to mine salt as the Salt Golem flops about in the water. Gamera scoops the golem up and tries to chuck it at the WALL!!, but the face just zooms around the wall more and more. Fireballs, projectiles, even the few remaining briefcases Gamera had were not harming the WALL!! at all! Gamera takes a moment to consider what to do as the WALL!! does the same. The WALL!! was restricted to the walls and lacked limbs, so how was he going to hurt the massive turtle? He got lucky with the ceiling's loose rocks earlier, but this chamber's ceiling was solid as, well, rock!

Both competitors seem to have their epiphanies at the same time. Both now know how to win the match. The WALL!! acts first, his face digging indents into the wall until he strikes more water. The WALL!! repeats this, teleporting around the chamber and opening more and more holes to the allow the water to spill in. Soon, the entire chamber is submerged in water! The WALL!! laughs a bubbly laugh, but what the WALL!! doesn't know is this helped Gamera's plan in a way!

Gamera reaches out and grabs a chunk of the wall, the chunk the WALL!! happened to be resting on. The WALL!! tries to teleport away, but finds he is unable to. The chunk of wall he is on is starting to dissolve, the water around him doing what it naturally does to sodium chloride. His face was composed of too many dissolving salt molecules for him to properly move his face elsewhere. Gamera was going to try and induce this effect with just splashing the water onto the walls of the mine, but now he didn't need to. Gamera pulled the dissolving chunk of salt to his mouth.

"No, man, no! Don't do it! I don't taste good! I never bathe! I appear on all kinds of nasty walls! I appear on the walls of gas station restrooms! NO! NOOO! NOOOOO!!" The WALL!! chokes out a cry as Gamera takes a huge bite out of the WALL!!

Despite being much to salty, Gamera consumes the entirety of the WALL!!'s face in bite-sized bits. As soon as he is done though, he begins to swim off, hoping to find the way out of the mine.

The Salt Golem, beginning to dissolve in the flooded mine, finds the way back on his own. He struggles to give the last report on the fite.

"I GUESSSSSSSSSSS THAT IS ITTTTTTTTTT. GAMERA HAS WONNNNNNNN THROUGH CONSUMPTION. CONGRATULATIONSSSSSS GAMERAAAAAAA."

The Salt Golem pulls itself along and finds Gezora mining salt with a pick.

"If Gezora has to keep getting hurt in these fites, Gezora might as well get something out of it."

After mining his share of free salt, Gezora takes the box of salt and the injured Salt Golem and leaves the mine.

Fite 39- Jungle Warriors (Jonesy vs. Alex the Janitor)

The Amazon Rainforest. The largest rainforest on the planet. Home of a wide variety of flora and fauna yet to be discovered by man. Some even say its unique flora may contain the cures to nature's most stubborn illnesses.

Tonight, this rainforest is getting wrecked!

Amanda Jones, the space marine known colloquially as Jonesy, shall be fiting the young janitor Alexander Triden. Since this is a special arena fite, we sought an on-site correspondent as per the norm, but I have the feeling this one will be even less useful than the others. Plucked from a native tribe is some Amazonian shaman whose name escapes us. We've just been calling him Dale. We taught Dale the Shaman some English but... well, let's go to him and show you what we mean. Dale the Shaman, tell us about tonight's fite!

"Tonight. Yellow hair warrior cleaner fite red armor space lady. Big fite. Bad for forest. Space lady have fire throwers. Fire bad for forest. Yellow hair warrior have magic blade. Dale fear for spirit of forest."

That was Dale the Shaman's way of saying Alex is bringing Excalibur and Jonesy is bringing her flamethrowers. Also worthy of note are Alex's wind and earth magic skills and Jonesy's new telekinetic and psionic abilities. Amidst the trees and wildlife these two shall fite, so let's get it on! Jonesy and Alex, it's time to Fite Yer' Mate!

The two competitors stand before Gezora and Dale the Shaman. The coos of exotic birds and the hollers of monkeys of the howler variety pepper the air. Alex grips Excalibur tightly as Jonesy turns on her weapons' pilot lights. All they need is the signal to start...

And there it is!

Flames shoot forward from Jonesy's suit, but Alex is able to dive out of their path. The fire quickly ignites nearby brush, but Alex whips up some wind magic that both slams into Jonesy and puts out the flames. Jonesy's massive metal suit prevents the wind from doing anything greater than making her take a few steps back, so the space marine again sprays her fire-throwing weapons to try and get a wildfire started early. Alex quickly teleports out of the range of the attack, but his unreliable new teleportation skill causes him to appear right next to a tree. What's so bad about teleporting next to a tree, though?

"Yellow hair warrior seem to have moved fast next to tree... but tree branch was in way."

When the knight reformed by the tree, a branch was at mouth level with the knight's head. The branch lodges into the left cheek of the young janitor. Alex screams in horror and quickly teleports away in hopes of not being harmed to greatly by the teleportation mishap, but when he reforms near Jonesy, there is now a gaping hole in his cheek.

"Warrior should be more careful. Warrior should not move so fast."

Alex is unable to hear Dale the Shaman's wise words though, because fire quickly begins to envelope the boy distracted by a bloody hole in his cheek. Much of Alex's armor is able to take the fire easily, but Alex's skin and hair are soon ignited by the dual flamethrowers. Jonesy walks closer and closer to Alex, trying to get more of the janitor into the flames' reach. Alex begins to back up, trying to conjure up some sort of spell to block the flames, but the fire burning him alive is a bit distracting.

Alex stumbles backwards more and more as the flame's begin to move through the various degrees of burning. Luckily for his skin, the battle takes place close to the Amazon River! The knight realizes this and quickly throws all his focus into casting an earth magic spell. A large spire slams into Jonesy, giving Alex the time he needed to leap into the river to douse the flames. The earthen spire manages to completely destroy one of the suit's flamethrowers, causing a horrible backlash in Jonesy's left arm. Jonesy quickly struggles to remove the left arm's plating as flesh is burnt by the broken weapon.

"Fiters hurting selves more than opponent."

Jonesy runs to the river bank to douse her own hand and then glares at the water in anticipation of the knight's resurfacing. Alex is patiently waiting beneath the water, watching Jonesy stand above him on the shore. Caiman swim harmlessly about in the water, apparently not hungry for the knight. Piranhas also swim by harmlessly, because honestly piranhas aren't very vicious unless starved. Heck, even that overblown catfish the Candiru swims by without incident!

"Nature respect boy who wish nature no harm. Nature on yellow hair warrior side."

Dale's words prove true as a jaguar stalks towards Jonesy. Jonesy is too busy waiting for the knight to resurface to register the spotted big cat's approach, but when she gets tackled... she simply grabs it and snaps its neck. The armor offered way too much protection for nature's creatures to harm her. But there is something that can penetrate that armor: Excalibur.

Alex leaps out of the water and rams his sword directly into Jonesy's stomach!

Jonesy's organs are destroyed by the blade's path, and the space marine falls to the ground dead. Alex stands back and looks at Jonesy in shock. Most fites were longer than this, but it is possible just to strike the right place and win the match! Alex begins celebrating his victory, but something feels off. The air around him feels thin, and a strange voice seems to come to him.

It's the voice of Dale the Shaman.

"Beware mirage of the mind..."

Alex begins to lose his breath and falls over onto Jonesy's corpse, struggling for breath. His lungs seem to fill with fluid as he continues desperately gasping.

On the shore of the river stood Jonesy, concentrating so she could project a false victory into Alex's mind. In the water, Alex struggled to breath as he saw a world that is not real...

The hole in Alex's cheek did not help with the whole "holding your breath underwater" thing, and as water he could no longer sense flowed into his lungs, Alex could do nothing to free himself from Jonesy's illusion of the mind. It looked like this would be it. Losing by drowning...

Suddenly though, the image snaps away. Alex can once more see he is in the Amazon River, but he is too weak to swim. He was almost out of air, and his muscles were not responding. Before he closed his eyes though, he could have sworn he saw a pink dolphin who looked eerily familiar...

Alex is pushed onto shore by a pink blur. Struggling for breath, the knight pulls himself up and looks around. Dale the Shaman and Gezora are there, the forest is there, some brush was burning... But where was Jonesy?

Obscured by the trees, Jonesy has removed her helmet and is regurgitating blood. The image was too long and difficult to sustain, and she no longer could maintain it without wracking her brain to the breaking point. Hiding her weakness behind the trees, Jonesy quickly wipes her face clean of any remaining blood and takes a breather. She had a feeling Alex would not die in the water after the illusion was broken, so she prepared herself for his return...

But she did not expect it to come as quickly as it did. Jonesy reaches down to pick up her helmet, but a chunk of earth shoots up, slamming her on the chin and sending the helmet flying into the depths of the forest. Jonesy spins around, her nose now broken from the force of the blow. Jonesy cannot see Alex, so she begins torching all of the forest around her with her remaining flamethrower. Alex is forced to jump out from his cover as the rainforest is now enveloped in a humongous wildfire.

"Wish could say it surprise, but it not. Fire consume forest spirit. Woman kill forest..."

As Dale the Shaman begins to convulse in fits of prayer to try and heal the forest spirit, Alex hefts up his sword and slashes forward at Jonesy, shearing off a huge chunk of Jonesy's armor. Jonesy responds with a nasty punch to the knight's face, the metallic right hook accentuated by the flamethrower it held. The right side of Alex's face is horribly maimed by both the harsh punch and the harsh flames, leaving Alex's face looking like a Halloween zombie mask. Alex tries to cast a healing spell, but Jonesy grabs his arm with her big metal hand.

A sickening snap is heard as the wrist is broken, but Alex's other hand quickly brings Excalibur over and slices off Jonesy's hand and the nozzle of the flamethrower! The fire, no longer concentrated by the cone-shaped ending of the weapon, sprays randomly about until Jonesy uses her badly burnt hand to stop it. Jonesy's hands are seriously maimed, but she still has large metallic legs!

Jonesy begins to do some rather lithe kicks in her Firebat armor, the hefty armor giving her kicks bone-shattering strength. Alex takes a few to his sides, but Excalibur once more swings forwards. Jonesy backs up and is just barely able to dodge the blow, but in doing so she backs into a burning tree. Her ponytail ignites, and she begins frantically batting at it with her damaged hands.

Alex uses the distraction to plunge his sword square into Jonesy's chest. Jonesy sputters and coughs up a bit more blood as Alex removes the blade from her chest. The female space marine struggles to move, but her body begins to fail. It appears the move she had simulated in the illusion earlier had just became reality. Jonesy falls to the ground, struggling to try and get a last move in on Alex.

Alex looks down at Jonesy and begins to wonder if he should help her, but suddenly the flames grow stronger, and the knight is once more ignited. Fleeing the foliage to seek the safety of the Amazon River once more, Alex leaves the struggling Jonesy to the burning forest.

Jonesy tries her best to scream after him. She's not dead yet! She can still fite!

Dale the Shaman's prayers are getting louder and more frantic. The forest seems to sway... The tree Jonesy had bumped into began to fall down. Whether it was the prayers of the shaman, the spirit of the forest, or just the fire finally weakening it enough that caused it, the tree fell down onto the injured space marine.

Jonesy screams in pain and tries to free herself, but she no longer has the energy to do so. As the fire begins to consume her, Jonesy slips into unconsciousness...

"The forest spirit claims revenge. The forest is at peace."

Despite what Dale the Shaman says, the wildfire still runs wild through the forest. Nothing can stop it!

 "Gezora is getting tired of these arenas hurting it as well!"

Fite 38- Frozen Bubbles, Frozen Rain (Rain vs. Oceanus)

Welcome to the icy floes of the Arctic Ocean! Tonight's fite shall take place on the frozen chunks of ice that drift about in these chilly waters! Of course, we again have an on-site reporter here to relate to us the events of the match, even though we can see them completely fine! Our host is actually a bit of a celebrity! We now go to Edward Arthur Alexander Shackleton!

"Simply Edward will do, thank you, and I'm not entirely comfortable with the situation here. My father died on his trip to the Antarctic, and now I fear the colds of the north may be trying to claim this Shackleton! The temperatures are ludicrously low here, and even in many layers of clothing I still find my teeth chattering. This giant squid with a referee's hat is also eying me hungrily from beneath its sunglasses, and I've been told the event I am supposed to host may injure people in the proximity of it.

The fiters in this competitive fiting event are as follows: One is called Rain and is apparently an expert ninja capable of manipulating both water and lightning. He has brought a naginata, which is essentially just a fancily named polearm. His opponent for the night will be some sort of automaton called Oceanus, who shall be piloting, I can't believe I'm saying this, a mechanical shark! I don't know if this is some sort of ridiculous reimagining of John Henry's tall tale, but if it gets me the money I need, then I shan't question it further."

Wasn't that nice? A bit condescending, but a lot more informative than our last fite's correspondent! Rain and Bubble Man have arrived at the arena, so you know what that means?

Rain and Oceanus, time to Fite Yer' Mate!

Oceanus's robot shark whirrs as it begins to circle the chunk of ice Rain stood calmly on. Oceanus sits atop the metal Selachimorpha as it circles the ice, the green robot waiting for the ninja to make the first move.

"This is quite dull. It feels more like we are watching a staring contest than a fite between man and machine. Wait, the ninja seems to be moving! And... he's gone?"

As Edward spoke, Rain's body seems to disappear, the naginata dropping to the ice with a loud clank. Oceanus immediately suspects ninja trickery and sends the robotic shark into a deep dive. The large metal shark sees a tinier Greenland Shark and bites into it in a moment of boisterous showing off, causing a cloud of blood to form in the water around Oceanus and the shark. Oceanus, who was going to scold the shark at first, noticed that the blood of the organic shark served as a protective veil from any intruding trickery.

And he was right in not scolding the shark. The purple ninja had dissolved into water particles and was trying to get the drop on the robotic fish. But when the blood mixed with the water, Rain's ruse was revealed. The lone patch of regular water in a cluster of crimson liquid quickly clued the robot in. Oceanus jumps the shark and goes towards the water molecules and fires a stream of mercury from his pinky. Rain's watery molecules are scattered by the metallic liquid guaranteed to ruin any fishing in the area for years to come.

"So the robot can fire mercury from its finger? Was the ninja allowed any such accoutrements to accommodate for this? Is this fite supposed to be fair?"

Shackleton continues questioning the robot's use of mercury as Rain's molecules begin to float back up to the water's surface. Quickly reforming into his human shape, the purple ninja clambers back onto the ice and reclaims his naginata, anticipating the approach of Oceanus and the shark.

The robot shark, emboldened by its kill of the organic shark, swims hurriedly to the surface, ignoring its master. Oceanus paddles as fast as he can in attempt to try and catch up and mount the shark once more. Rain stands on the edge of the ice, waiting for both machines to reach the surface...

As Oceanus and the metal shark are just about to breach the ocean's surface, Rain readies his naginata... and sends down a purple thunderbolt from the sky!

 "Wow, I guess the field is a bit more fair then I first assumed. Automatons should not hold up in the water in the first place, but I'm sure this jolt of ethereal electricity will definitely tax both machine's systems greatly."

The robotic shark, definitely the more poorly made of the two, begins to sink to the bottom of the ocean as its systems begin to fail. Oceanus also is harshly shocked, but unlike his shark companion, he is able to tough out the lightning strike's effects. Oceanus does, however, let Rain think he was also unable to move, and begins to sink into the darkness of the icy depths.

Rain backs up and readies himself in case of any foul business, and he was right in doing so.

Oceanus leaps up through the center of the ice chunk, shattering it into pieces. Rain nimbly jumps onto a nearby iceberg and begins hurling thunderbolts at Oceanus, who is now also jumping on chunks of ice. The two bounce around on the frozen platforms, the ninja hurling lightning while Oceanus's middle finger emitted a flamethrower.

"It seems our two competitors are locked in a game of chase! In fact... I am losing sight of them... Come on giant cuttlefish official! We must pursue them!"

Gezora picks up Shackleton and pursues the competitors as they leap onto they various ice floes of the arctic.

Rain's lightning bolts fail to make contact with the former robot master, but they do shatter entire icebergs with their power. Oceanus's flamethrower finger also fails to do anything of note, and his other fingers contained no truly long range weapons. Rain was trying to wear down Oceanus's endurance, but the ninja was getting exhausted from bouncing around so much. That's when Rain remembers something: Oceanus is a robot, he will be able to endure a lot more exertion then any organic being.

It is when Rain realizes this that he stops fleeing and lands on a sheet of ice. Oceanus quickly follows after him, landing on the ice and readying all five fingers for battle. Rain brandishes his naginata in a manner that would look pretty kickass in 3D. Oceanus charges forward, all five of his fingers firing at the ninja. Rain dodges the many different substances of Oceanus's five fingers of doom and slices into the robot's side with the naginata. The suddenness of the strike causes the five fingers to spray wildly all around. The flamethrower and steam do nothing in the frenzy, but Oceanus accidentally coats himself in Mercury, Hydrofluoric acid, and Liquid Nitrogen. Oceanus begins screaming as different parts of his chassis are destroyed in different ways.

Rain feels bad for Oceanus and uses a quick blast of water to slam the green machine back into the ocean. Most of the dangerous chemicals are washed off, but there is now a gaping hole in the part of the chassis Rain had blasted. Apparently the mix of dangerous liquids had severely diminished the robot's armor!

"Okay, we found them. It seems the green robot has shot itself in the foot by spraying chemicals all over itself, and the purple ninja remains relatively untouched. I really underestimated this ninja!"

Oh Mr. Shackleton, you spoke to soon! As soon as Rain's unharmed state is brought up, Oceanus comes back out of the water behind Rain. Out of the robot master's right arm comes a built-in trident, which quickly jams itself into the ninja's rear. Oceanus was aiming for the back, but you know, height differences and all...

Rain tries to spin around to cut the robot, but the trident is stuck to Oceanus's arm, so the spin causes Oceanus to spin around with him. Oceanus is literally stuck to Rain's ass!

"This is just juvenile. If I knew this is how things would go, I would have never accepted this work..."

Oceanus begins to slam his free arm repeatedly into Rain's back, so the demigod pulls his naginata over his head and begins to stab wildly behind him. At first, the naginata just pokes minor holes in the machine's armor. Oceanus is able to ignore these blows as he lays strong metallic punches into the slowly cracking spine of his opponent, but then a wild slash of the ninja's weapon easily tears through Oceanus's right arm. The robot stumbles back after the arm removal, and Rain attempts to pry the trident out of his arse.

Oceanus tries to stand up, but Rain quickly leaps up onto the fallen robot, now ignoring the trident in his rump. Oceanus's chassis is so weak it cracks under the weight of the ninja as he aims the naginata directly at the robot master's face. Rain pulls back his weapon.

"Oh my, that unfortunate robot. Then again, it is just a robot, so whatever its primary function is can easily be fulfilled by other machines in its production line."

Shackleton apparently doesn't understand robot sentience, so as Rain pulls the naginata up with both of his arms, our correspondent fails to realize the gravity of this robot's death. With a great surge of strength, Rain slams down the polearm...

BUT THEN A SHARK APPEARS!!!

 The brief surge of electricity from earlier disabled the shark momentarily, but after it began functioning properly again, it stalked the two competitors to the ice and waited for the perfect moment to strike. That moment was now. The shark leaped up and slammed its weight against the sheet of ice. The ice tipped and parts of it shattered, causing Rain to lose his balance. The naginata is, however, lodged successfully into the middle of Oceanus's face, but the robot is barely able to survive the blow.

Rain, however, tumbles around on the remaining ice and straight into the jaws of the robotic shark.

The shark pulls its body off of the ice and continues to devour its prey, proud of having proved its might again.

"Well, although the shark seemed to be carrying most of the weight in the battle, that injured robot Oceanus appears to be our victor! Machine has triumphed over man, even if the machine that actually won was based on a fish, and the man was able to dissolve into water. Anyway, I was only contracted to be here until the finale of this fite, so I must go now. Shall we leave, Gezora?

...Gezora?"

"Oh my, it appears the referee has frozen in an implausibly rectangular prism of ice. How am I supposed to get back now?"

Fite 37- A Marine, a Machine, and Magma (Erebus vs. James the Blastoise)

Greetings from the fiery depths of tonight's special arena! Tonight in the arena we have special host straight from Hawaii, Keahi Makaiau! Keahi is a native Hawaiian of a new generation, and he shall be covering the action in the arena tonight! Keahi, why don't you tell us about the special arena for the evening?

"Thanks dude. Here in this place we've got like, this big metal cage thing dangling above some lava! The lava was taken from some volcano on my island, but like, the elders were all pissed because they think it's our God's blood or something. I don't believe in that stuff, but they did that whole 'virgin sacrifice' thing in it a lot, and too many hot babes had to die for that fake god dude. So yeah, we got that metal cage and lava that's god blood and then there are some fire shooting things that will shoot out flames like FWWOOOOSH!

So dudes, that's the place for this fite. Now, the guys who are fiting in it. One is like some big muscly dude with lots of armor named Erebus, and the other dude is some super robot thing shaped like a turtle named James! These guys are like super best buddies, so this battle must be pretty important! All I know is that it's going to be gnarly!"

After Keahi finishes his slang-riddled introduction, Erebus and James the Blastoise are transported into the dangling cage. Erebus and James the Robot Blastoise, prepare to Fite Yer' Mate!

Erebus's electric claws pop out and immediately lash forward at James, but the robot Pokemon's sensors are able to pick this up no problem. James easily dodges and quickly fires a few shots from his plasma cannon hands, one of the beams shearing off one of Erebus's electrical talons. Erebus hops backwards to take the defensive, but his large weighty armor causes the arena to sway under the weight of such a hop. James's plasma shots begin to miss their target as the arena wobbles, instead melting holes through the cage's metal bars.

Fire jets begin to shoot out flames like FWWOOOOSH, but James toughs them out. His strong metallic shell resisted the flames, and even in organic life he was resistant to the effects of fire. Erebus's armor is also similarly immune, so it appears money was wasted on installing those things. The chaos space marine does, however, use the veil of flames to sneak up on James from behind. With a move quicker than a cheetah with a rocket for an arse, Erebus slices both of the mechanical Blastoise's back cannons off in a fluid movement. James registers the severing and quickly pushes himself backwards, putting his entire weight onto the marine.

"Damn! Did you see that? That one guy's claws totally tore those cannons off! It was like... WOAH!!!"

Thanks Keahi, for that helpful commentary...

Erebus struggles to push the robotic turtle off of him, and James takes the moment to test to see if his hand cannons can fire the same beams as the lost back cannons. He confirms that his hand cannons can indeed shoot Ice Beams, and quickly stands back up and turns around. White, freezing rays shoot out from the holes in the turtle's hands and at Erebus, but the chaos marine is quick to roll out of the beams' trajectories. The metal grating that made up the cage's floor takes the brunt of the beam, freezing to the point of being brittle. James quickly distances itself from the trap waiting to happen as it aims its cannons at the fleeing space marine.

"Hey, dudes. Something is up with the lava. It is moving about and bubbling really weird!" Keahi says, as the lava below does indeed move about and bubble really weirdly. Large plumes of lava shoot up into the air as Erebus dashes around the arena, trying to close the distance between him and James without being hit by a frosty beam. James's arm cannon begins to ready an intensely powerful beam: Hyper Beam. Erebus swiftly realizes he is about to be hit with a powerful attack, so he closes in and grabs the turtle's hand, trying to pull it up and aim it at the Blastoise's head. James struggles against the marine's strength, but a quick kick from a robotic leg causes Erebus to trip.

James points his cannon right at Erebus, but suddenly the cage shakes once more. Lava shoots up and slams into the dangling arena, causing the Hyper Beam to blast off an entire side of the cage. James, his power temporarily exhausted from using the intense beam, needs to rest a bit, and Erebus stands up and readies his claws. This is a wide opening for him to get in some hits. But something really seems to be up with the lava!

"Dude, I know I said I didn't believe in that god mumbo jumbo, but I think this lava really is some crazy god's blood! Look man, coming out of the lava are like, some sort of lava beasts!"

Indeed, as Keahi described it, some sort of lava beasts are like, coming out of the lava!

 The monsters made of magma begin to attack the cage, trying to seek a sacrifice out of the two competitors. James had a few fresh clawmarks from Erebus's assault on him while he was low on power, but the turtle was ready to fite back. Dodging the mouth of one of the lava beasts, James readies another one of his Pokemon attacks: Surf.

A huge tidal wave somehow appears beneath James's feet and begins going towards Erebus. The chaos marine, rather than try to dodge it, dives right through the wave. The wave of water seems to do nothing to the marine's tough armor, but the water does carry James towards the edge of the arena! James grabs onto one of the iron bars before before the water could carry him out of the cage and into the lava below.

Erebus rushes forward to try and meet his opponent, but a group of lava beasts shoot out from below and tear holes in the grating that made up the floor. Erebus's claws spark with energy. If he had to get through some lava monsters to reach James, then so be it.

James, on the other hand, was dangling above the bubbling lava from an iron bar. His weight was causing the entire cage to tip in that direction, and now he, too, was being approached by beasts made of molten magma. Relying on only one hand to maintain his grip on the arena, James begins to fire ice beams at the lava creatures in a vain attempt to prevent them from devouring him.

"Dude, this is not really Fite Yer' Mates anymore. It's like, Try To Fite When Lava Things Attack You."

I have the feeling we didn't pick the best on-site consultant for this match...

"Dude, look at the big guy go!" Keahi helpfully comments.

Erebus, a.k.a. the big guy, is tearing into the lava beasts with his claws. Whether or not it was actually harming the beasts is one thing, but the claws would separate the lava beasts' heads from their bodies, causing their bodies to spill back into the magma below. Is it magma or lava? We aren't quite sure at this point. Either way, the lava creatures let up on Erebus, but James is still struggling to hang on and keep off the beasts at the same time. Beam after beam uselessly hits the heads of the odd magma monsters as they reach in to crush the turtle in their fiery jaws.

Erebus sees his opponent dangling from the cage and dashes towards him. Just before the beasts could bite down on the mechanical tortoise, Erebus grabs him and flings him back into the arena. The beasts snap uselessly at metal bars before the lightning claws of the chaos marine decapitate and tame them.

Erebus turns back to James, ready to go back to fiting him instead of fiting flame creatures.

"Dude, I think things are getting back on track! Those lava things are dying down, but the lava is still bubbling and shooting out jets of lava like it's angry!"

James hears Keahi's commentary and begins cooking up a plan. The cage's floor was already full of holes, it could probably use a few more! James begins to Dig holes into the metal grating, turning the ground into thin walkways difficult for both fiters to navigate. No fast dashing for Erebus anymore!

Erebus does, however, close the distance between him and James, just not as fast as he could have earlier. The electric claws slam directly into the turtle's shell, electrocuting the machine. James, previously a water type and now a robot, did not quite agree with foreign electrical input. Systems begin to fry and go down, and suddenly his hands shoot out a hyper beam without warning. The suddenness of the beam destroys James's right hand, but it also blasts Erebus square in the chest, blasting open the armor and exposing bare flesh. The concussive blast sends Erebus flying away, the talons breaking off in James's shell.

Erebus tumbles through the air and lands precariously on one of the remaining walkways, barely able to grab onto it. His legs dangle above the lava below, and a plume of red hot molten material nips at his ankles. And when we say "nips at", we mean "nips off", since it is lava and all. Erebus screams as he pulls himself back onto the thin metal floor of the cage. He tries to stand, but his feet are singed and weak. Across the arena, the damaged James is still malfunctioning.

James tries to move towards Erebus, but its systems end up causing it to run straight forward and right into one of the arena's holes. James begins tumbling down towards the lava below, which seems to bubble in glee as its hunger is almost met.

"Woah woah woah!" Oh great, Keahi has something to say... "Both guys are practically doomed! That turtle robot is all broken and the big guy is all hurt! Now the turtle is going towards the lava! Looks like the big guy wi-

Wait! What's with that water?"

That's right, folks, James is riding the water again! Luckily for him, whatever allows the robotic Blastoise to surf on a spontaneously created wave of water still worked! James rides the water up and back into the arena, pulling itself back onto the metal walkway near Erebus.

Erebus propels himself towards James and digs his remaining claw into the neck of James. James, being a robot, doesn't instantly die from this, but Erebus begins to pull upwards with the claw, trying to pry his head off like James had done to Optimus in their fite. James struggles to resist, but the electricity continues to cause him to malfunction. Wires snap and circuitry sizzles as the head gets looser and looser...

James's remaining hand struggles to fire. Ice Beam, Hyper Beam, a plasma shot, anything will do!

But nope, his malfunctioning system instead chooses Dig.

The robot's hands breaks open the floor beneath Erebus and James, causing both fiters to free-fall into the lava!

"We are here again! Both guys at risk of falling into the hot gooey stuff! Like that name for the lava? Hot gooey stuff?

Anyway, things sure are getting heated here! That's another good one. These hotblooded fiters are falling to their deaths! Wait, the turtle doesn't have blood. Um... Let me think, I've got more."

Before Keahi can continue his bad puns, both competitors have almost reached the lava! Erebus lacks anyway to save himself, but his claw is still lodged in James's neck. He prayed that James would rescue them with Surf, but both of them just continued falling. Was James still malfunctioning?

The fiters land into the lava. Erebus lands first, and his landing in the orange liquid causes him to dislodge his claw from James's chassis. James, now able to think clearly without constant electrical surges messing up his systems, realizes he is now waist deep in lava. Circuits struggle against time and heat to whip up one last saving grace...

A massive tidal wave pushes James out of the magma and to safety next to our ref and Keahi. Unfortunately for Erebus though, the wave did not lift him out of the magma. Erebus's body begins to sink into the lava, the poor chaos marine long dead before the magma finished melting his armor and body.

Erebus is clearly dead, but what about James?

Gezora, dripping gobs of water as it dehydrated in the hot arena, inspected the robot. James was able to choke out a quick "ow", proving that the robot had indeed survived! Despite almost losing his head, losing one arm and both legs, this robot held on! James is the winner!

"Congratulations dude! That was totally gnarly! You and I should go surfing one day when you aren't so messed up! And hey, look at that! The lava is calming down. I guess it liked the sacrifice of the big guy! But I thought it only wanted virgins...

Wink, Wink."

"Can we get out of here, Surfer Stereotype? Gezora doesn't think it can survive much longer without hydration and with your poor attempts at humor."