The votes are in.
The Tractor has Factored.
It is time to FITE YOUR MATE!
In one corner, the ghost with the most that's brought us some spectacular diversions this summer, armed with his minigun Sasha, also known as "The Jingle Specter", I give you... JUMPROPEMAN!
And in the other corner, a diminutive warrior who nonetheless brings buckets of experience - and a big bag of rocks - to the table. Blink and you'll miss him, it's MEAT BOY!
The Jingle Specter has arrived. He floats silently in the center of the arena, holding Sasha casually. He scans the floor with his eye sockets, searching for his opponent.
But Meat Boy is nowhere to be seen.
Jumpropeman continues to wait, slowly growing more and more paranoid. Where the hell was that little blob of meat?
Suddenly, a song begins to play over the arena speakers...
I guess Meat Boy planned ahead for this one...
With a sound like a bowlful of Jell-O being thrown onto concrete, Meat Boy swings the entire sack of rocks, splattering into the Jingle Specter’s ectoplasm and sending him flying. He may be a little guy, but Meat Boy’s got some surprising strength in those stubby limbs of his. Jumpropeman recovers quickly. Now that he finally sees his opponent, the fight has truly begun. He revs up Sasha and takes aim at Meat Boy...
...who is a very small and hard to hit target! Meat Boy dashes around the arena as fast as his hamburger-like feet can carry him. He knows that if he spends even an instant standing still while Sasha is revved up that he’ll be processed into meat faster than you can say “Cash Cow”. Jumpropeman’s ghostly grin slowly morphs into a determined frown as his bullets continually fail to hit the target. He tries to aim ahead of Meat Boy, but the probably delicious little guy is so fast he can’t lug the heavy Sasha around fast enough to get a bead on him. Looks like maybe Jumpropeman should have tried a less bulky weapon for this match...
At last, a bullet finds its mark, and instead of thudding into the arena walls like so many other shots, this one tore right through Meat Boy’s body. In shock, the wounded combatant loses his grip on his sack of rocks, leaving it behind as he continues to run. Changing tactics, Meat Boy now charges towards Jumpropeman, moving at an angle to try and avoid any more bullets. The ghost tries to aim, but Meat Boy is now so close that getting a hit with Sasha is borderline impossible.
Meat Boy begins running circles around Jumpropeman while both combatants try to figure out how exactly to get the upper hand in this situation.
Meat Boy thinks he can outsmart boolet. Maybe.
*sniff*
Maybe.
I have yet to meet one who can outsmart BLUNT FORCE TRAUMA
Annoyed to no end by Meat Boy’s antics, Jumpropeman swings down Sasha like a club. Meat Boy just barely avoids being splattered to a fine meaty paste by the attack, but one of his arms and a chunk of his back is taken out from the swinging weapon. Jumpropeman, however, thinks he landed a direct hit, and while he’s busy lifting up the gun and checking his handiwork, Meat Boy leaps up from the side and gives him a strong punch to the face. Jumpropeman, suddenly blinded with meat, frantically wipes at his face, dropping Sasha. Meat Boy grabs Sasha and runs with it. He’s far too small to operate this weapon, but he can at least put some distance between Sasha and its owner, allowing him to get back in the game.
The little hamburger that could throws the gun as hard as he can, and it crashes into the arena wall, receiving a dent in its side. Now he runs across the arena, and it’s obvious how much damage the ghost’s clubbing attack did, because the poor thing is leaking blood all over the arena, everywhere he-
Oh wait, he always does that, never mind.
Meat Boy retrieves his sack and begins hurling the rocks at Jumpropeman as fast as he can throw with only one arm. Meanwhile the Jingle Specter has cleared his vision. He reaches for Sasha only to find it gone, now clear across the arena.
The normally cheerful ghost bellows with rage.
“WHO TOUCHED MY GUN?!”
Meat Boy offers a grin and a thumbs up. Who else?
Jumpropeman arduously makes his charge across the arena. Without his gun, he has little means of offense, so he has no choice but to ignore Meat Boy’s rock barrage and focus on getting to the gun. Rocks smack against his shimmering body, a few actually sinking into his ectoplasm and staying there. And the more rocks that get lodged in him, the slower he moves. Now puttering along at about the speed of an actual heavy weapons guy, Jumpropeman finally retrieves Sasha as Meat Boy frantically rummages through his sack and pulls out his last rock – the biggest of the lot, over two-thirds Meat Boy’s size.
Meat Boy stands, arm poised, rock clutched in his blobby hand. Jumpropeman, grinning widely with anger in his eyes, swings around and starts up Sasha once more.
Aside from Sasha revving up, the arena is silent as ghostly fite organizer and meaty adventurer stare each other down.
A moment passes as Meat Boy lines up his shot.
With all his might, he hurls the rock.
But where’s the beef, Jumpropeman?
Now leaning back far, swinging the gun madly, the Jingle Specter has lost all sense of direction as Meat Boy decides going for an attack is too dangerous and scrambles for a place to hide. Bullets begin thudding into the roof of the stadium, and as the ghost sways erratically, trying to curse but unable to speak due to having a face full of rock, he swings Sasha around, riddling the ceiling with roughly 200,000 dollars worth of ammunition.
(that’s roughly six seconds worth, by the way)
And after a few bullets too many, a large chunk of roof gives way.
Your winner, ladies and gentlemen, is MEAT BOY!
Gezora, happy that its business partner has emerged victorious, whips up a victory meal...
...What? Oh, don’t worry, Meat Boy, it’s just some Cash Cow Gezora had in the freezer.
Come on back tomorrow and watch two cyborg eels try to kill a four-armed cyclops elephant!
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