Terry the jeweler is running around nervously in the arena, dragging the massive warhammer around. He tries to find somewhere safe where no one would fight him, and he chooses to stand next to the Custard Kitten Cult. He tells them he means no harm, and even though the kittens don’t understand his words, they recognize he is peaceful and allow him to stand next to them. Terry begins to try and lift the weapon, using both hands to hoist the massive weapon up. He struggles to keep it up, but it is too heavy and he begins to lose his grip. His massive hammer falls out of his hands and lands behind him.
In another part of the arena, Arnold Upside has finally activated the Autobot Matrix of Leadership. His helicopter begins to rumble, and Arnold begins to freak out as the helicopter starts to distort around him. A robot begins to form around Arnold as he barely is able to find a tiny pocket in its armor so he isn’t squished to death. Arnold’s helicopter has become… Upside!
Hugh London launches his trebuchet's first volley, hitting the rear of Upside with his payload. Unfortunately, the payload was mostly useless stuff, like Necronomitron’s shredded remains and cocaine. Upside turns to see where the attack came from, and sees the trebuchet and some guy standing next to it. “They should really keep pedestrians out of the arena!” thinks Upside, unaware Hugh was a fiter or anyone special in particular. Trixie and Weinberg try to take advantage of Upside’s momentary lull in attacking, both taking unsuccessful swings at the helicopter with their weapons. Upside was just a bit too high for their range. Trixie kicks the ground in defeat, but Weinberg turns to her and swipes at her with his fan-on-a-stick. Trixie freaks out when she sees the CEO’s wounded face and scrambles away as he attempts to murder her.
When Upside turns back to the arena, he sees a perfect target. Someone weak and distracted, someone there was no risk in attacking. Upside flies towards this opponent and jabs his arm blades forward, managing to strike his target straight in the stomach. He lifts the corpse of his target up to his face to see who he has killed. Impaled on his blade was the unfortunate old jeweler Terry.
Elsewhere in the arena, Hugh has reloaded his trebuchet, this time with a load of Holy Hand Grenades. Hugh waits for his opponent to float in one place so his shot would be guaranteed to hit. His opportunity comes when Hawkeye jabs his Osmium monk’s spade into the rear propeller of the transformer. Upside’s rear propeller flings the monk’s spade across the arena as it struggles to work, but the momentary lapse in function caused Upside to tumble to the ground. Upside struggles to right itself, but its lack of true feet make it a desperate struggle. It accidentally turns itself on its back, leaving it wide open for the second volley of Hugh’s trebuchet.
When the brief confusion clears up, the Custard Kittens begin to go back towards the Tapogre head they had left behind. Near the Tapogre head stood Elizabeth, who stood catching her breath after running away from the helicopter. The two remaining kittens glared at her, a new fervor burning in their eyes. She must be there to destroy the head. No one goes near their god but them. NO ONE.
Elizabeth was not enjoying the fite at all, and she was hoping to wait it out a bit until other competitors had finished each other off. Her poisoned claws were beginning to bother her. She carefully removed the mythril gloves and placed them next to the nasty rotting head on the ground so she wouldn’t lose them.
This only pissed the kittens off more. How dare she desecrate the head with her nasty claws! The squinty-eyed cat came towards Elizabeth, swinging the club wildly at her shins. Elizabeth hops around trying to dodge the club, while the bent cat flings itself onto one of her legs and begins to scale the woman. Elizabeth struggles to remove the cat, but the cold vanilla body of the cat slips through her fingers. The bent cat slaps her with its arms, doing no real damage but being very annoying and cold.
Weinberg had given up his assault on Trixie when he spotted Hawkeye. Hawkeye’s weapon was far superior to his dinky fan pole, and if he could kill the surgeon, he could pilfer the weapon as his own. The weapon had been flung across the arena by Upside, so both he and Hawkeye charged towards it. Weinberg’s burnt and broken body couldn’t beat the war veteran’s speed. Hawkeye pulled up the monk’s spade just in time to swing it around towards John. John gets a scrape across his stomach from the blade, but nothing fatal. John brings around his weapon and tries to strike Hawkeye, but the pole is caught and deflected by the crescent end of the monk’s spade.
Blake saw the two fighting each other and had an idea. His spiky shopping cart wasn’t the best weapon, but if he could ram it into someone, it could do some serious damage. And since Hawkeye and John were distracted, he saw a perfect opening. Blake pushed his trolley towards the two fiters as fast as he could, ready to impale an old man on a cart.
Meanwhile, Elizabeth manages to shake the bent cat off of her and begins to kick at the two kittens. Squinty-eyes slams a powerful blow into her shin, causing her to stumble a bit. Behind her stood Dr. Trixie Melons. After John gave up his assault on her, she noticed Elizabeth being fought by the kittens. Trixie felt a bit of jealousy towards this attractive woman and wished to prove her might and eliminate a competitor at the same time. She began to swing around her disco ball flail, and as soon as Elizabeth stumbled from the kittens’ attacks, Trixie took her chance to land a killer blow.
Back with Hawkeye and John, the two have backed themselves against the arena wall, both unable to land a successful blow. Weinberg’s rage compensates for his lack of skill with the weapon, and Hawkeye’s superior weapon skill make up for his lack of drive to actually kill John. People in the stands begin to draw comparisons between the two and the frog and monkey who’d be fighting soon. Croak supporters cheer for Hawkeye and PEP supporters applaud John. The fite moves into the arena’s corner, where cans of empty soda are hurled at the competitors.
But before either fiter can land a blow, Blake pushes his shopping cart straight towards the two. John manages to dodge, but Hawkeye is pierced by the spikes and pressed against the wall. Hawkeye lashes forward with his osmium weapon, piercing Blake’s stomach. Blake stumbles back, clutching the weapon that now stuck out of his belly. John smirks at the two, and quickly uses his fan to slash the throat of the surgeon.
Arkaela had been watching the other fiters for a long time, stroking the cat in her arms. Daikon was getting a bit tired of all the positive attention though. He was used to being treated like nothing, and it was getting too awkward to be treated so nicely. He claws up Arkaela’s arms, causing her to drop him in surprise. Daikon rushes away so he can begin to prepare his bombs for fiting again. Behind Arkaela was the Wolf with a Saber. It howled at her, begging her to fite him in proper combat. She looks at her lance, then back at the wolf. She notices the wound down his chest and stomach, and goes towards him, her weapon still not at the ready. He barks for her to fite him properly, but before he can scream anymore for a duel, she is hugging him. The Wolf is too shocked to do anything. He’s never been treated with love before in his short life. The usually somber wolf cracks a tiny smile.
A tiny smile that turns to a frown when Arkaela screams in pain. The CEO of Goldman-Sachs had slashed her back with his weapon, opening a massive gash. The blood sprayed out in a horrible display, enraging the wolf. Wolf with a Saber pulls his weapon into his mouth and lashes out at John, again inciting a bout of Flynning. Unlike the last showdown though, constant blows meet their mark. Both John and the Wolf are soon covered in bloody slashes.
Arkaela looks up at the battle, her vision growing faint. She sees the abused wolf bleeding, and her usually peaceful attitude snaps. John represented everything she hated: big business, animal abuse, greed, violence. Arkaela lifts her lance, struggling to aim towards the CEO without accidentally hurting the green wolf. She presses a button, causing the lance to launch. The Wolf with the Saber had just been knocked to the ground by the CEO, which otherwise would have been a damning situation in battle if it hadn’t moved him out of the way of a rocket-propelled lance.
Meanwhile, Blake Caden…
Meanwhile, Daikon has just finished arming a set of bombs, and he has determined his first target.
The two land next to the weak body of Arkaela, who looks up at the two cats and smiles. The Wolf with a Saber sees Daikon lands a bit too close to his new friend, and charges towards the Felyne. Daikon barely dodges the swinging saber as it tries to ready another bomb. The wolfs saber slams into the helmet Daikon wore on its head, and with the brief lapse in attacks, the wolf is left open for a strong kick on the jaw. The wolf drops the saber and the tiny Custard Kitten grabs it and scurries off, seeking to find a use for this weapon too big for it to wield. The wolf looks down at the Felyne it now fought without a weapon. Daikon smiles and jumps up, kicking the wolf in the eyes this time. The wolf staggers back and doesn’t see the explosive Daikon drops. When his vision cleared, he sees Daikon running away and then notices the bomb beneath him. The fuse was just about to fizzle out when Arkaela, with her last bit of strength, pushes the wolf away from the bomb and lands on top of it.
Arkaela smiles towards the wolf, and the wolf howls in anguish as the bomb explodes.
The bent cat had abandoned the saber on its way back to the squinty-eyed cat. The weapon really wasn’t worth the trouble. Trixie was standing over near the cats, trying to get the poisoned mythril claws onto her own hands. Three weapons were better than one, she reasoned. The Custard Kittens didn’t like Trixie much. She was too close to their god earlier, and they only gave her a break because she had help kill the old-fashioned woman. But now, they were growing tired of her standing around the head’s remains. Trixie gave up on trying to put on the claws, and picked her discoball flail back up. She surveyed the arena, and saw that only animal competitors remained. She also saw some guy standing next to a trebuchet, but she paid him no mind, he didn’t seem important.
Trixie sees the wolf and decides he’s as good of an opponent as any and begins to walk towards where the wolf was fighting Daikon, but she didn’t notice the kittens. The two kittens had the tapogre club pulled in front of her feet, waiting for her to try and walk away. When she did, her heels knocked into the hunk of wood and caused her to fall face-first to the ground, the heavy flail falling straight in the line of her tumble.
These were the final four, and it was just about time for a finale.
Daikon was at a serious disadvantage without his bombs. Every single one had been swatted away by the green wolf, leaving a bunch of craters in the battlefield. The tiny Felyne struggled to dodge the snapping jaws of the wolf, occasionally landing a kick or a punch that only seemed to anger the wolf more. Daikon saw the Custard Kittens running towards them and decided that it should try and pilfer their club. It began charging towards the tiny cats, leading the wolf over to the vanilla kitties too. The kitties screamed, frightened by the massive green wolf, and the squinty-eyed cat began swinging the club wildly in front of it, eventually landing a blow on Daikon.
Daikon is slammed to the ground, a couple of its ribs ached from the kitten’s wild blow. The wolf came up to Daikon’s prone form and grabbed it in his mouth. He tried to give the cat one last insult before death, but it only came out as a muffled bit of noise. Daikon kicks and slaps the wolf’s mouth trying to escape, but the wolf begins to shake the poor Felyne about, unleashing his rage upon the cat. It slams it repeatedly into the ground until Daikon stops struggling in his mouth. The Felyne’s bones had snapped and his organs had burst, leaving him a husk of a cat dangling in the mouth of the wolf.
Hugh didn’t wonder why his opponents had ignored him the whole time. It was what got him so far. He could probably rob a bank without getting noticed. He didn’t know what it was, but for some reason he was just so hard to notice. Now that the only remaining opponents were so close to each other, he saw his opportunity to win the match, all without receiving a single scratch on his body. He adjusted the aim on his trebuchet, and launched his third volley. This volley had a variety of weapons: the Ronald McDonald bowling ball, a garden hoe, a morning star, some syringes, the shoe with a knife in it, a rusty amputation saw, razor-sharp dentures, a bag of crabs, and Freddy Krueger’s glove.
The Wolf without a Saber let out a loud howl as it bore down on the two kittens. The kittens could do nothing but tremble in fear as the wolf readied to eat them alive. They hugged each other, awaiting death’s embrace, when…
POW!
The wolf’s corpse fell down next to the kittens, whose faces contorted into a familiar expression of horror at a dead body. They seemed to have a lot of those plop in front of them. The two kittens looked around the arena. They saw no remaining opponents, just a man at a trebuchet. Why weren’t they declared winners yet? The kittens noticed the trebuchet though; maybe it was the last fiter? They’ve seen stranger things, like a tapir’s head randomly appearing in front of them in their dimension. The two kittens rushed towards the trebuchet, leaving the club behind so they could have increased mobility.
Hugh was forced to step away as the kittens jumped on to the trebuchet and began dismantling it. His weapon was now gone, and he’d have to make his presence known to do any damage to these last two competitors. He let them waste their energy destroying the massive weapon. When they finished, the two kittens jumped off and raised their arms in the air, expecting to be declared the winners now. But still, there was no announcement.
Hugh walked slowly and inconspicuously up to the kittens from behind, and quickly grabbed and ate squinty-eyes. Bent cat flipped out when he saw his friend get eaten alive by some random man. “Why was he eating squinty eyes? That man wasn’t even a competitor! Where is the last competitor?” Bent cat’s thoughts raced as the man reached down to grab the last custard kitten to devour, but something was wrong.
He couldn’t breathe.
Inside Hugh’s body, the Custard Kitten realized who the last competitor was. He really is a lot easier to notice from the inside. The kitten’s slimy body is able to ooze down into the windpipe and begins to do a nasty job on the lungs. He tears a hole open in the weak flesh and begins to work on the other organs.
Outside of Hugh’s insides, bent cat is freaking out even more. Hugh had fallen to the ground and was having multiple spasms. Organs were destroyed and functions were failing as Hugh’s usual façade of normalcy fails. It’s hard not to notice a man who is have seizures.
Back inside, squinty-eyes locates the heart and begins to pull it out through the esophagus…
Fans rush the field, lifting the two kittens up to celebrate their victory. A couple people gather up some of the remains of the wide-eyed cat and freeze it. Its missing a few parts, but the kitten is alive once more. The frozen cat begins to move, albeit rigidly, but the other two kittens are happy to see their friend alive again. The three form a ring with their hands and dance about, but when they see the splattered remains of their god in the corner, they get sad and begin to cry.
From the group of fans, a white mage named Sarah steps forward. Inspired by these kittens, she gathers up the remains of the tapogre’s head. Q and James Bond wheel in the rotting plesiosaur body of Tapogrepogo. Sarah puts the head’s remains on the plesiosaur body and casts Life on it and a few Curagas afterwards. Before the three kittens, the revived form of Tapogrepogo lets out its first honk of renewed life. The three kittens climb up onto their god’s back and begin celebrating their victory and their god’s resurrection.
CUSTARD CONES: 6 dollars!
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