Our first judge is a good friend of mine, even though she is a bit of an airhead. Say hello to judge number one, Rose Nylund!
Rain turns around and brandishes his sword, ready to fight his sworn enemy. Propped against a wall, is… a dummy. The dummy is a stand in for Regal of course, but it is still a dummy. Rain charges forth hurling a rock at the dummy to imitate the earth magic Alex sometimes uses. The rock misses. “Curse you Regal! You shall not succeed on this day!”
Rain closed the gap between him and the Regal dummy. “Never underestimate the power of a Triden!” Rain lashes forward with all his might…
“Ugh, Sarah, stop eating so many sweets! Gezora, one barrel of vodka please. I need to drown my shame…”
Rain pulls up the vodka barrel and begins to chug, but he starts choking on the massive amount of alcohol. Rain wipes his mouth and then tries to drink it all, but it appears Alex is the more tolerant of the two, and Rain starts to get very, very drunk. He stumbles over to the Sarah dummy,
“Let me tell you about the time I slayed some ridiculous beast in some ridiculous way. I probably crawled up its rear end and cut open its liver or something and lost my friends along the way. Oh, it so hard being a 14 year old knight or however old I am. Why am I allowed to drink anyway?”
Rain keels over, waving his dollar store sword around in the air. “Wind powers, activate! Woooo!” And then he passes out.
The judges begin to deliberate on his performance.
ROSE: “That was an… interesting performance no doubt, but I felt like your performance was bit too critical of Alex. Plus, I don’t think Alex would start berating and belittling himself in that manner if he got drunk, so I won’t be giving you my vote.”
RICH: “The best part of impersonating someone is making it funny. Rain, you acted a bit like a fool near the end, but I was laughing all the way. You have my vote.”
GEZORA: “Gezora found your slaying of Regal far superior to the actual fight. Gezora would have been on the edge of its seat if it hadn’t already broken it. Your suspenseful battle against the dummy gets Gezora’s vote.”
BLU SPY: “Although your portrayal of the knight was flawed in its mannerisms, your costume closely mirrors his appearance, and up until the drunken tirade, you did a good job with what you had. You could have done better, but I will give you my vote anyway.”
Rain is passed out, so he doesn’t hear any of the verdicts. Eddie drags the unconscious ninja off the stage, making sure to thank the judges in his stead for giving Rain’s impersonation a three out of four.
The lights begin to dim for our next competitor’s performance…
Out of the darkness, the next competitor’s form becomes apparent.
Sarah, dressed in a costume meant to look like the formless body of the Lord of the Night, comes towards the edge of the stage. She waves her dark tendrils as she continues speaking, “IF ANYONE HERE WOULD LIKE DARK POWERS IN EXCHANGE FOR SERVITUDE UNDER ME, SPEAK UP AND I WILL PRETEND TO HELP YOU AS I ENSLAVE YOU!”
The dark form of Sarah’s costume scoots around as she continues to rant and rave about her dark powers, “I AM THE ONLY HOPE FOR YOUR UNIVERSE, BECAUSE EVIL IS ALWAYS THE GOOD THING, RIGHT? I AM THE REAL GOOD GUY, NOT YOU GUYS WHO DON’T USE TOTALLY EVIL POWERS TO DO THEIR BIDDING!”
Sarah turns her back on the crowd, turning towards the darkness she emerged from. “GENOCIDE, COME! I HAVE MISSIONS FOR EACH OF YOU!”
From the shadows, four more forms appear. Seriously, the darkness is all about having forms appear from it. The four forms turn out to be Sarah’s three sisters and Widow Maker, all dressed in costumes meant to imitate Genocide. The three white mages try their best to look menacing, which means they scowl and lower their eyebrows.
The three white mages leave, Widow Maker following behind while trying to mask her embarrassment. Sarah turns back to the crowd to give a parting message, “YOU ALL HAVE NO CHANCE OF DEFEATING ME, FOR I AM SUPER EVIL, STRONG, UNDEFEATABLE, AND OTHER WORDS THAT MEAN POWERFUL! JUST BECAUSE YOU BEAT MY OTHER FORMS, AND YOU ALL ARE REALLY STRONG, AND I COULDN’T EVEN WIN A SINGING CONTEST, DOESN’T MEAN YOU CAN DEFEAT ME!!! MWAHAHA!”
Sarah slips into the darkness, signaling the end of her performance. The judges discuss the performance and call Sarah back out for her rankings. She pops the head open and pokes her head out.
ROSE: “Honey, that was terrifying, but since it was supposed to be, it did its job perfectly! I’m sorry you hurt your voice, but it really paid off. That performance was wonderful!”
RICH: “Great performance Sarah, it was just like the Lord of the Night if he’d actually admit what his purple prose really means. Such an adorable girl shouldn’t be so good at imitating the embodiment of evil, but you did perfectly!”
GEZORA: “Gezora must admit that the costume work and performance were top notch, but Gezora could not help but notice the blunt manner you used when speaking as the Lord. The Lord would never admit his shortcomings! However, Gezora is still giving you its vote. This contest is not about spot-on impersonations, it’s about fun ones!”
BLU SPY: “I have to disagree with the squid on the purpose of this contest, but I will have to agree with giving my vote to you. Your costume and performance were excellent, and I’m sure if the Lord saw it, he would be both angry and impressed by how well you captured his mannerisms.”
Sarah squeals with delight, having earned a perfect 4 out of 4. She rushes off the stage, briefly toppling over in her costume due to how excited she was.
As the next competitor got ready to perform, the stage’s appearance begins to shift in a strange but familiar manner…
The stage begins to lose many of its details, and members of the crowd began to simplify in their appearance. It appeared somebody had tapped into the last bit of Hella Jeff’s essence for their performance, and it was none other than Walter.
The “DATE IDEA”(plan) is to go tot the KING OF BEASTS (BAR AND RALLER DCKSO)
And stand out side and smell the smell that the beeer make!”
A weird poorly drawn bar appears out of nowhere and Walter pulls the door towards it. He begins to sniff in some visible stink for a while until the door escapes to the side. When the door is gone, Walter laughs Jeff’s distinctive laugh,
“HE HE HE!”
Walter begins to flip around erratically, until he ends up inside of the bar.
“I wuld lik a bimp for myseff, on da house!”
A bimp appears in front of Walter and he drinks it with only three frames of movement.
“BRAP”
Walter saunters out of the bar and is confronted with a staircase, which he takes care to avoid. But then, wouldn’t you know it, a dummy starts falling down the stairs! Everyone looks at Walter, expecting him to say the obvious line.
“What are you expectin, the easter bunny?”
The world begins to fluctuate wildly as the last of Jeff’s essence begins to fade.
The judges take a while to regain their composure after being briefly transformed into MS Paint drawings.
ROSE: “Not many people can make both themselves and the audience change their appearance with their performance! I wasn’t exactly thrilled to be a jpeg image, but it really got me in the proper mood to enjoy the surreal and ironic humor found in your performance. I loved it!”
RICH:“Your performance was crappy visually, but it was top-notch in its portrayal of the character you were emulating. Jeff is a very odd fellow, and your performance was definitely odd. Great job dufe.”
GEZORA:“Gezora found this performance lacking. Anyone can parrot Jeff’s lines, but Gezora thinks you lacked the proper heart to deliver his odd lingo properly. Jeff’s charm comes from his natural lack of normality, and your imitation tried too hard to be unusual, causing it to lose Gezora’s vote.”
BLU SPY:“Using Jeff’s essence to create the atmosphere needed for your performance was a brilliant move and helped sell what would otherwise be a difficult performance. The important part is that you sounded just like Jeff and behaved similarly to him, and in impersonation those are the most important factors. You have impressed me Walter.”
Walter bows and thanks Rose, Rich, and the BlueSpy for their support, and nods to Gezora despite his negative vote. As Walter gets off the stage, he sees a brief glimpse of the next competitor in the shadows and grins, wishing the contestant luck. The contestant nods back, hoping to beat Walter’s 3 out of 4 score.
Again, the stage goes dark, and again, it produces the form of someone.
Meat Boy walks over to one of the stage doors, the number 302 was marked on it in crayon. He hugs it and begins to cry bloody tears, trying to indicate his sadness of having a room for a mother. Meat Boy is quick to recover though and he begins to walk towards a new makeshift bar. It’s like every competitor brought one or something!
He begins to polish glasses, occasionally stopping to scrawl odd symbols and to stare angrily at a dummy that looked similar to Sarah. Since Meat Boy couldn’t talk, he couldn’t try to imitate anything Walter would say in this situation. He would have to pantomime it all, or risk breaking character and use a note card for communication. He chose the former.
DISCO MUSIC!
A portion of the stage is lit up with bright lights of many colors, and Meat Boy begins to grimace angrily, and then rather evilly. He pulls out an axe and charges towards the miniature disco on the stage, hacking it up with fervor scarier than that of the character he was imitating.
Standing amid the rubble of the mini-disco, Meat Boy’s mouth was now poised in a disturbing grin.
The lights turn back on as Meat Boy listens to the verdict of the judges.
ROSE: “That was just precious Meat Boy! But, Walter is not a very precious fellow. I know you had trouble working through the handicap of not being able to speak, but even as a pantomime of Walter, I felt it lacked the true eeriness that surrounds that man. I’m so sorry Meat Boy, but I can’t give you my vote!”
RICH: “Don’t worry kid, I thought that performance was amazing. Walter’s dark attitudes were channeled perfectly, and you behaved like he would if he was a hunk of meat who couldn’t properly speak."
GEZORA: “Gezora enjoyed this performance as well, and not just because there was a hunk of edible meat involved. Gezora found Meat Boy’s exaggerated movements in its attempts to be like Walter adorable. Gezora wishes to see the meat cube try its hand at imitating a certain other bartender one day!”
BLU SPY: “Meat Boy, that was terrible. Walter isn’t necessarily a chatty fellow, but his behavior is always subdued, except his rampages of course. You failed to copy that air of abnormality that surrounds the assistant bartender, and too much of your own self entered the performance. I doubt Walter would “bang his mom” by rapping on the door. No vote from me.”
Meat Boy frowns as he finds out he only got a 2 out of 4, but he is perfectly fine with the quality of his performance, so it doesn’t bother him too long. He bounces off of the stage and runs to find a seat to watch the next performer, who could be heard tuning his instrument.
When the tuning is finished, Erebus steps on to the stage dressed as Eddie.
“Are you ready everyone?”
The crowd roars that it is indeed ready.
“Do you think you can handle my METAL?!?”
The crowd screams that yes, they do consider themselves capable of handling this man’s metal.
“I can’t hear you!”
The crowd increases their volume accordingly in hopes that the performer will hear them this time.
“Alright! I’m taking requests! What should I play?”
The crowd begins to fire suggestions at Erebus, one notable one being Opposites Are Fun. That one, of course, is quickly ignored. Erebus hears one he likes, and begins to play his replica of Eddie’s guitar.
The crowd begins to do things crowds typically do at metal concerts, forming mosh pits and throwing up the horns and the like.
Soon, Erebus has reached the end of the song, and he lets out a loud metal scream. The audience applauds his performance, and although he doesn’t betray it in his demeanor, Erebus is actually plum-tuckered after thrashing the guitar and wailing like a metal banshee. The judges take a moment to consider this performance.
ROSE: “That was an astounding performance Erebus! Eddie is quite the metal enthusiast, so I have a feeling if he was put on stage and told to perform, he might have done exactly as you did!
RICH: “Besides the Slayer shirt, your appearance and behavior mimicked the Roadie’s almost too well. If I didn’t know better, I’d say you borrowed the Red Spy’s disguise kit!”
GEZORA: “Gezora is slightly irked its suggestion got ignored, but it is by no means disappointed by this performance. Gezora, were it using a different scale to rate your performance, would have given it and 8/10. But since Gezora is not using an out of 10 scale, it simply gives you its vote.”
BLU SPY: “That was not an impersonation, that was playing metal music in street clothes. I think you must have your calendar off a bit, because the King of Beats contest was two days ago. Take your poor man’s imitation of Eddie and show it to someone who cares.”
Erebus, who had done poorly in the King of Beats contest, is stunned by his score of 3 out of 4. He leaves the stage in a mild stupor, surprised that he was able to shred so well. The next performance is prepared for, but just like in the King of Beats contest, all that she needed for preparation was a tiny object placed on the stage.
From the tiny object, the form of Sine appears, but she is dressed as Sarah. She steps forward and around her appears an empty bar.
The bar’s stools are occupied by dummies, but some quickly fall over on to the ground. Sine gasps in surprise, but quickly says “Curaga!” and throws a bunch of glitter into the air. As the glitter lands on the dummies, she props them into a sitting position with her foot. She pats them on the head, “All better! Now, where is the cutest boy around, my lover Alex?”
She looks around the bar a bit until she sees a dummy with one bit of hair on its head. She rushes over to it and hugs it incredibly tightly, causing indentations to form in its body when she eventually releases it. She looks in front of where he was sitting, and sees a waffle. She picks it up and briefly inspects it.
She begins to dump a bunch of syrup on the waffle and ate it so quickly it seemed the hologram had glitched. She orders more waffles, which she pulls out from behind the bar and eats quickly before she orders a Happy Ending. Sine pulls the silly straw to her mouth and is about to drink it when something falls on her head.
“Don’t worry Alex, I have this! No need to get up!” Sine quickly mops up the mess and pulls out another Happy Ending. The hologram begins to fade as she turns towards the judges,
The hologram ends, and the judges give their verdicts.
ROSE: "That was adorable! I admit it was a bit odd to see the usually fiery Sine behave so cutely, but she pulled it off like a pro. I wish she was here to perform this in person, but I know when she comes back she’ll be glad to hear she got my vote.”
RICH: “I am a sucker for redheads, and if I were less of a fair judge, I may have given her my vote for being pretty, but I am a fair judge, and this performance was not satisfactory. I get that she was trying to be cute and all, but Sarah is more than just walking around being cute. There is more to that girl, and Sine failed to capture it.”
GEZORA: “Gezora got diabetes from this performance, but not in a good way. The real Sarah is cute in a realistic way, this performance just pandered to what we found cute about her and left out the other defining characteristics that make the white mage who she is. Gezora shan’t be giving its vote to such a pandering performance.”
BLU SPY: “ Besides the hair color and the spot on the robe open to bare cleavage, this performance seemed like a pretty accurate portrayal of the healer. Sarah’s saccharine behavior was clearly reproduced, and even if you had only a cursory awareness of the girl, you would be able to tell Sine imitated her perfectly. Bravo, Sine.”
Someone retrieves the tiny device used to create the hologram and scuttles off as the next competitor nervously steps on stage.
Although she was nervous, Jonesy swallowed her inhibitions and stepped on to the stage in her Erebus costume.
“Veshen, you Warp-damned scum. You dare challenge my authority? I will teach you for siding with Chaos!”
Jonesy charges towards the dummy, who sat there smugly. Jonesy could feel the hatred radiating off the dummy, the dummy wanted to take away all that mattered to her. That dummy could not be allowed to live.
With a swift forward stab, the claws on Jonesy’s glove puncture the dummy’s soft cloth and poke out the other end, turning the Veshen dummy into a Veshen shishkabob.
“Never forget who the real leader is!” she said, as she tried to shake the little dummy off her claws. It appeared the Veshen dummy was stuck to her hand, so she ceased to be bothered with it and went to her own ramshackle version of the bar. She sat down and ordered a Finisher, but there was already a sippy cup placed in front of her.
“I guess I’ll have to be more careful with these humiliation bets in the future…”
Jonesy drinks from the sippy cup.
Suddenly, Jonesy is rocking back and forth, clearly drunk. She turns to a dummy and begins to regale tales to it.
“Back where I come from, the Alpha Legion fights the Warp and Chaos with Grey Warriors and Bolters during the Heresy and Nurgle and a bunch of other words that just go right over everyone’s heads!”
Jonesy stumbles about some more until she spots another dummy.
“James, is that you? TIME FOR A SUPER HUG FROM THE HUG MONSTER!!!”
It looked a bit like this:
Jonesy sets down the dummy and grabs a cup labeled “Snapture- Ready/Finisher/SUPER COOL NEW BEST KNOCK-OUT DRINK OF THE WEEK” and downs it, causing her to conk out.
When her performance ended, she got back up, not actually drunk since the cups had contained water. She awaited the judge’s judging.
ROSE: “Jonesy, your understanding of Erebus has allowed you to properly imitate him here. In fact, when you hugged that dummy, I briefly though I was seeing Erebus hug a Blastoise, but surely no artist is lazy enough to use that image rather than a proper one. Even if they did, you would still get my vote.”
RICH:“This performance all seemed a bit goofy rather than the proper amount of funny. I was waiting for some good Erebus imitation humor, but all I got were a bunch of jokes that reeked of Warp. Stick to the actual guns kid, and leave the humor to the professionals.”
GEZORA: “Gezora enjoyed seeing Jonesy employ the many aspects Erebus has become known for throughout her performance. Some of the performers prior to her focused on single aspects of their character and missed out on truly impersonating their subject, but Gezora feels like Erebus was properly imitated, and thus Gezora properly gives Jonesy a proper vote.”
BLU SPY: “I have a feeling that maybe you are too close to the person you were trying to imitate, because many of your jokes feel like pulled punches rather than the zingers they could have been. Erebus’s dark switch to heroism is hard to imitate effectively, and if you can’t pony up the chutzpah to go all the way in imitating him, I won’t be ponying up any votes for you.”
Jonesy frowns. She had already pushed herself to tease Erebus this much, but if 2 out of 4 was all she could get without offending Erebus, then so be it. She slowly walked off stage as rather gaudy purple lighting turned on, and the audience begins to holler. They know what time it is, and they’ve been waiting for it for far too long…
The crowd’s uproar reaches epic proportions as the lights begin to focus on the next competitor.
“Yes, cheer for me! Cheer for the most glorious prince and fighter you shall ever lay your eyes upon! Weep that you may never know the joys of knowing him besides as a God to worship! Bow before your ruler, RAIN!”
“My loyal subjects, I come with fantastic news! Many eons ago, a great man was born. A man so fantastic and fabulous that all who met him and somehow got over his many problems with BO, social interaction, and relationships quickly learned to admire him as the true peak of humanity! That man, was me! Today is the annual celebration of my birth, and you are lucky enough to share this day with me!”
The crowd cheers as a giant birthday cake is wheeled out in front of saberwulf.
“I would share some with you all, but… I need to check it for poison! Yeah, poison. Wouldn’t want anyone getting poisoned now, especially not RedSpy because him and I are totally bosom buddies now and I am definitely no longer interested in the same woman as him!”
Saberwulf finishes consuming the cake and turns back to the crowd.
“The good news is, there was no poison! The bad news is… I can no longer grace you with my presence! You are undeserving, and I need to go mope about how lonely I am and how hard things were back where I came from. Feel free to dream of me tonight, and any ladies who are interested, my number is on the bathroom stall. Yes, the women’s restroom’s stall. I am not even joking, my number really is there, go check if you don’t believe me! I will probably be at home moping when you call, but I can awkwardly stumble through a conversation if you are attractive enough to warrant my attention. But for now, I must bid you, auf wiedersehen! Because apparently Mortal Kombat characters are fluent in German!”
With an ostentatious display of hydrotechnics, Saberwulf disappears amidst the purple rain.
The judges don’t even need to think to vote on this one.
ROSE, RICH, GEZORA, AND BLU SPY: “We all vote yes!”
Backstage, Saberwulf laughs at the predictable unanimous vote of approval from the judges. He leaves to seek out Rain and rub his perfect 4 out of 4 score in his face as the next competitor makes sure her costume is in proper order.
The next performance begins, but no one can be seen on stage. All the audience sees is a single dummy in the middle of the stage. Footsteps can be heard, quietly getting nearer and nearer to the dummy. If the dummy could sweat, it probably would sweat, partly from the ominous sounds, but also because this particularly dummy would also have stage fright if it were sentient. Suddenly, a figure appears and slits the dummy’s throat. That figure, is Ilsaria dressed as RedSpy.
The mirrors that allowed Ilsaria to pass around undetected are wheeled away as she begins to flip through the arena, slicing dummies to shreds and eventually pulling a revolver to shoot down a cardboard cutout of the BLU Sniper, who has been poised above the judge’s table unnoticed for the whole contest. The cardboard cutout falls in front of the BlueSpy, and Ilsaria briefly locks eyes with her enemy before the mirrors are wheeled out again, turning her once again effectively invisible.
BlueSpy looks around nervously, hoping Ilsaria wouldn’t go the extra mile in impersonating her mate. But that’s when everyone starts to hear coughing. Ilsaria had tried to take a puff on the cigarette, only to be reminded she still could not handle smoking.
Ilsaria falls down to her hands and knees, hacking and wheezing as the mirrors are wheeled away.
Ilsaria falls to the ground completely, unconscious from the tobacco’s effects on her. She must be asthmatic or something.
The judges wait for her to finish her performance, hoping the smoking mishap was actually a clever way for her to use the Spy’s Dead Ringer. But, Ilsaria just continued being passed out, so they decided on their verdicts and delivered the bad news.
ROSE: “I’m so sorry honey, but I can’t give you my vote. We both know why, and I really wish I could say it’s not fair to count the smoking against you, but it really was an adscititious part of the performance. You didn't need to smoke at all to properly imitate him! The rest of the performance was wonderful, and I would have voted for it even without any smoking, but you shot yourself in the foot, and I cannot give you a vote for it.”
RICH: “I am just going to come out and say it: There is something really sexy about a lady in a suit. But that is not the only reason I am voting for Ilsaria. Besides the mistake at the end, the performance was flawless and really reminded us of who RedSpy is. We’ve lost track of him since Zephyrus started doing more around the bar, but this reminded me of the guy who used to be one of the biggest parts of bar life. I may not be a regular around here, but I know that RedSpy was just channeled effectively through his girlfriend. You have my vote.”
GEZORA: “Gezora feels like puking, almost like Ilsaria did after smoking. It really is a shame, Gezora was astounded by the costume! It was the only one that made Gezora exclaim aloud upon first seeing it, but the performance did not support the craftsmanship. Ilsaria’s costume, we hardly knew ye. No vote from Gezora.”
BLU SPY: “I was happy to see someone imitate us Spies without resorting to the French stereotype route people like to play up, but I was disappointed when she keeled over from a simple cigarette. RedSpy and I can fit more cigarettes in our mouth than any other human, and if you can’t even handle one, you cannot properly emulate either of us.”
Ilsaria is dragged off stage in a daze, nauseated partly from the tobacco and partly from hearing her 1 out of 4 score. The next competitor tried his best to get on stage without prematurely being seen, but it’s hard to miss a performer almost as big as the stage itself.
The aforementioned massive competitor steps onto the stage. It is of course Gentleman Draco, who with his flaming bone skull and scales painted black, is imitating Designate_5.
“I have stun batons for everyone so you may go into the streets and be super violent in ways that you will one day regret as you develop your personas.”
One claw comes unclenched and a clump of stun batons is tossed at a pile of dummies that start on fire as the batons electrify them to dangerously hot temperatures.
“Oh dear, it appears I killed everyone. Everyone except one specific person who has a duck-face despite denying it all the time!”
Draco turns to a dummy that is wearing saberwulf’s trademark facemask.
“You think I would forget you, possibly my greatest rival in all of New York City and possibly the world since I don’t talk about my life much? Of course not!”
Draco pulls off the dummy's mask and crushes it beneath his foot. The dummy sits there, because it is a dummy, but it could also be determined as it channeling Saberwulf, who would obviously not react too much to having his mask removed by Designate. It’s happened before and Designate seems to have a “remove the mask or hood from someone’s face” fetish.
Draco pulls up his arm, which had a clamp around it to look like Designate’s Stripper Cannon gloves. He uses his other hand to pretend to change the setting on this glove.
Draco then goes and sits in a corner of the stage lifeless, even after his performance ended. The judges begin to discuss their opinions on the performance.
ROSE: “Draco, I think the problem with this performance isn’t your actual performance, but the subject you chose. Designate is very reserved in revealing things about himself, and you were left grasping at straws to perform as him. I’m so so sorry, and please don’t burn me to death for this, but I am not giving you my vote.”
RICH: “I love a humorous performance Draco, but when the humor comes from the jokes being funny rather than the impersonation being funny with its jokes, there is something wrong. I can go on stage dressed as King Kong and deliver quality material, but if I don’t match who I am impersonating, what’s the point in dressing up and performing at all?”
GEZORA: “Pay no mind to the naysayers, fellow monstrosity, they know not what they say. Gezora understands the plight of one who tries to disguise one’s self as something tinier than itself. It is difficult. You managed to pull off an amazing performance despite the handicap of a size difference, and Gezora gives you two tentacles way up for that.”
BLU SPY: “This was the most pathetic performance yet, besides Ilsaria’s of course. You just came up here and delivered stale jokes while painted black. If I had known it would be that easy to get a vote from the squid in this contest, I would have entered a shoe with a mask taped to it. I would never consider voting for a performance like this.”
Draco let out a puff of smoke at the judges. He wasn’t going to kill them, but they deserved something for failing to notice his talent. The gentlemanly dragon storms off stage as the only troll to enter the contest prepares for a difficult task. She would be the only person to impersonate the same character as someone else.
Before the performance began, some backstage banter could briefly be heard between two people: one a competitor, one her assistant.
"I AM NOT DOING THIS NEPETA! THIS COSTUME LOOKS STUPID AND SILLY!"
"Shh! Speak in a normal voice! I n33d you to do this, the purrformance needs to be purrfect!"
"FINE, BUT YOU'LL OWE ME!"
"Talk normally! Here I go, come out when you hear the signal!"
Finally the next purrformer, I mean performer steps on to the stage. It’s Nepeta as Sarah!
Nepeta begins to shuffle through some papers on a table, making sure to pick up a piece of paper that says “Note To Alex” and another that says “New Cake Recipe for Rain’s Birthday”. Nepeta begins to walk towards another hastily made bar stand-in.
When she enters, she quickly greets a bunch of dummies on stools.“Hello Zephyrus, Q, Eddie, Jonesy, David, oh my! Hello to you too Meat Boy!” She had just tripped on a dummy who apparently represented Meat Boy. She leaned down to inspect the dummy.
“Oh, I am so sorry Meat Boy! I will have you fixed up right away!”
Nepeta threw her arms up into the air while saying “Cure” and a bunch of glitter appears out of her sleeves.
Nepeta pulls out four crystals. “I have to ask Alex about these today. I sure do hope he is one of the Warriors of Light!”
Almost as if on cue because he totally was on cue, out steps Karkat dressed as Alex the Janitor.
“ALEX!”
Nepeta promptly hugs Karkat with all her might.
“I heard, ugh, that you, ugh, wanted to talk to me?”
Nepeta pulls out the crystal with a tornado drawn on it and places it in Karkat’s hand. It lights up (because Karkat pressed a switch on it.)
“I knew you had to be a Warrior of Light!”
Karkat grimaces. “Okay, well I have to go slay Yoosnarsh or something like that. Bye.”
He leaves, and Nepeta looks longfully after him. “Oh Alex, I love you. Oh! Time to make some cake for Rain!”
Nepeta scrambles off-stage, signaling the end of her performance. She scrambles back on to hear the judge’s verdicts.
ROSE: “This was probably the best impersonation yet. You captured Sarah perfectly, to the point that you might actually be mirroring her day to day activities. I definitely give this my vote, and if I could, I’d give you the contest right now!”
RICH: “Although I did not enjoy it as much as Rose did, it was a good impersonation, although rather stale in the humor department. I can tell work went into it, but I didn’t so much as chuckle, and this contest is about laughing at the silly costumes. I think it is at least. Still, you have my vote.”
GEZORA: “Gezora loved this performance for its authenticity. Sarah wasn’t a bunch of stereotypes this time around. In fact, it was a bit creepy how well you impersonated her. Gezora cautiously gives Nepeta a positive vote…”
BLU SPY: “This is what I’ve been searching for all contest. Someone who can imitate in both appearance and mannerisms the person they are disguised as. I am a professional at impersonation, and I think I finally found someone else who may deserve that title.”
Nepeta thanks the judges for their 4 out of 4 score and rushes off to thank Karkat, who is busy cursing up a storm at how ridiculous his performance was. Up next is the final competitor.
Alex the Janitor was the last competitor, so he wasted no time in coming on stage in his Nepeta costume.
The dummy never saw him coming, mainly because dummies can't see.
Alex pounced onto the dummy and, as he slid across the floor, the dummy began to tear apart and soon a long trail of stuffing marked the trail of his slide. He got up and briefly frowned at the dismantled dummy, but he quickly looked towards a pile of dummies. He began to pair them up, writing names above them on the wall.
“Erebus <3 Jonesy”
“Alex <3 Sarah”
“Eddie <> Rain”
“Zephyrus <> Oceanus”
“ Fang Four
Pech c3< Erebus”
“Crunk Wizard <3< Saguaro PI”
“Doktor Hanz <3< RedSpy”
It had taken Alex forever to learn about the intricacies of Troll Relationships, and he only hoped this tiny shipping wall was good enough to show he understood them. Alex began to yawn.
“I think now is a good time for a catnap.”
But suddenly, a red orb of light appeared on the ground before him!
“What is this? I n33d to investigate. Red Dot! What is your purrpose here?”
Suddenly, the dot began to move. Alex tried to pounce on it, but it kept moving about! It was going on the ceiling and other places he couldn’t reach.
“Come down, oh great dot! I s33k to worship you!”
The dot bounced around more and more. Finally, Alex believed he had cornered it.
And misses the dot completely.
His head slams into the wall, messing up his catlike hat. He removes it and tries to catch the laser dot in there, but the dot had disappeared!
He looked at his hat, now dirty and tattered, and tosses it aside. He stood up and looks towards the judges.
The judges look at Alex for a while, trying to get over the odd qualities of his costume.
ROSE: “The costume is clearly spot on, and Nepeta really does not do much around the bar, so I can’t expect a lengthy performance I suppose. But this performance did capture her pretty well, and it was fun to watch Alex bounce around chasing the laser light!”
RICH: “Dressing up in drag is always hilarious. It’s practically comedy rule number one! For some reason you were the only guy in the contest who decided to tap that comedy gold mine, and you indeed came out rich, rich with Rich Little’s vote!”
GEZORA: “Gezora cannot get over those fake eyelashes. Gezora must have them when you are done with them. Gezora will not explain why. Also, Gezora loved the shipping wall. It is quite the inside joke for people like you and Gezora who understand troll relationships!"
BLU SPY: “Again, another perfect example of a spot on impersonation. He did his research, he knew his subject, and he impersonated her the whole time, never betraying his actual persona behind the disguise. That, is true skill!”
Alex is surprised to hear he got a perfect score as well. That means four people got four out of four votes! I guess it’s time for another final showdown! This time though, it won’t be with a special guest host.
This time, our four competitors will interact with each other while in their costumes. But they won't be interacting just with each other, but with an extra person, someone else who shall be impersonating a mate! That person is…
Stay tuned for the finale, wherein our four finalist shall compete by acting silly with each other and Designate!
Saberwulf, Nepeta, Sarah, and Alex all stood in their costumes in a square with Designate_5 in the center. When the judges gave the signal, the four finalists all rush towards Designate, who immediately dropped his hammer and tried to shield his face as his personal space was invaded.
Alex was the first there, who had run on all fours to aid in his approach. It worked surprisingly well. He immediately clung to Designate’s side, asking the Ilsaria stand-in if she could bring her Felynes out to play.
“ I love your cats sooo much! I want to play with them! Ilsaria, where are they?”
Designate began to push Alex off as he explained the Felynes were back in Moga Village or out on missions. That’s when Sarah dressed as the Lord of Darkness approached. Nepeta as Sarah instantly began throwing glitter at Sarah, who shrugged it off because Nepeta’s Dia spells did nothing to her. Sarah approached Designate, but was repelled by a big bubble shield. Nepeta had brought a shield to simulate Shell, which she used to protect Designate from Sarah.
Sarah began to speak to Designate:
“ILSARIA, I COULD OFFER YOU ALL THE POWER YOU COULD EVER DESIRE! BUT EVEN THOUGH I SAY THIS, I WILL CONSTANTLY UNFAIRLY BEAT YOU UP IN BETWEEN OFFERING YOU POWER, BECAUSE THAT IS CERTAINLY HOW YOU CONVINCE PEOPLE TO HELP YOU!”
Designate would frown at this moment if he had lips. “ I know your game fiend, and I won’t be playing it! Give me my brother back, you worthless piece of-“
“Stand back milady! I have come to save you!”
Saberwulf leaped in between the two, pushing Designate back and knocking Alex down to the ground. Nepeta rushed to aid Alex, leaving Designate wide open to Sarah’s evil attacks. But Saberwulf would not allow it.
“Your fabulous hero, your knight in silken purple armor, has arrived to protect you from this fiend! Don’t talk now, you can repay me with a bit of tonsil hockey later!”
Saberwulf begins to hold off Sarah, while Alex is back on his feet. He had to get Designate’s attention somehow, so he decided to do what Nepeta does best: pounce!
Nepeta begins to throw glitter at Alex, hoping to cure his wounds from being pushed down. She saw him pouncing towards Designate’s flaming head though, so she quickly shouted NulFire and threw more glitter at Alex.
Designate turns around, “Oh my! How did you start on fire? It must have been the Lord’s doing! I’ll get you for this!” Designate runs to retrieve his hammer as Saberwulf uses the hoses in his sleeves to dowse the flames on Alex. Nepeta had been trying to cast Cure and similar spells on Alex, but they were just glitter and had no effect.
Sarah had struggled not to intervene when Alex was set aflame, but she did see a perfect distraction. When Saberwulf turned to help Alex, she threw her massive black body onto him, pinning him to the ground. Saberwulf’s knives poked into her suit, causing damage to the costume but not her. Alex pounced on top of her and began to claw at the suit with his knuckles, pretending they were his claws. Nepeta kept throwing glitter while screaming about how the Lord wouldn’t be able to hurt her friends anymore.
Designate came running back with his massive hammer. He told Alex to move and just before the hammer would have hit Sarah, she jumped off. Saberwulf got hit square in the face.
“AAAAAHHH, DAMNIT! Its ok though, because you did it Ilsaria, and if you are into it, I like it rough then too. By the way, if you didn’t get it earlier, tonsil hockey means kissing!” Saberwulf struggles to hold in his hatred towards his rival, he was in character and had to pretend to love him! That’s when he got a brilliant idea to get revenge on the skeleton impersonating a monster hunter. He stood up and spun Designate around, “Kiss me you fool!”
Sarah laughed. “I HAVE TRICKED YOU INTO HURTING YOUR OWN TEAMMATES! NOW, I AM FORCING RAIN TO KISS YOU, ILSARIA! IT WILL BE REALLY ICKY, I ASSURE YOU!”
Nepeta and Alex scrambled forward to try and stop the kiss. Nepeta threw all of her remaining glitter up into a cloud that obscured all of the combatants. In that shower of glitter, we will never know what happened. Did the kiss happen? Did anyone stop it in time? All we know is after the glitter cleared up we can see both Designate and Saberwulf have been attacked by Sarah, who used her tendrils to swing the jumping Alex and the light Nepeta as weapons at the other two. Everyone was on the floor but her.
“FOOLS! YOU CANNOT DEFEAT THE LORD OF THE NIGHT! MWAHAHAHA!!!”
Designate stood up, some of his armor coming off. “You really are a monster. But you shall pay for what you did to us. DIE!!”
Designate rushes forward and slams the hammer against Sarah’s costume. She fell backwards, parts of the suit falling off from the strength of the blow. Designate sighed. “He is defeated. My brother is safe. Nepeta, Sarah, Rain, let’s go home.” He tries to go and retrieve the others, but falls down, exhausted from the battle’s events.
The judges debate.
Here are the final standings.
12th Place: Ilsaria as RedSpy
11th Place: Gentleman Draco as Designate_5
10th Place: Jonesy as Erebus
9th Place: Sine as Sarah
8th Place: Meat Boy as Walter
7th Place: Walter as Hella Jeff
6th Place: Erebus as Eddie
5th Place: Rain as Alex the Janitor
4th Place: Nepeta as Sarah
In third place, winner of the Impersonate Yer’ Mates vest, is Alex the Janitor as Nepeta!
In second place, for his amazing imitation of Rain, the winner of the Impersonate Yer’ Mates cape and ring, is Saberwulf!
Meaning that first place and the Impersonate Yer’ Mates Tiara and gown go to…
Gezora goes on stage to shake one of the costume's tendrils in congratulations. Then, he briefly scurries offstage.
"Gezora has a costume of its own it would like to show off."
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